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Original poster

Should I text him first?

169 replies

CoralQueen · 06/08/2013 17:05

I've been online dating for the past couple of months and have had my fair share of bad dates. My last one though was the nicest of the bunch and I had a really nice time.

When my date got home after driving quite a way, he messaged me to say he had got home and that he hoped I had a good night. I responded by thanking him for taking me out and saying that I had a nice time.

That was two days ago and I haven't heard from him since, but he has been the dating website.

I'm not really sure what his thoughts of the date were and I'm not sure where I stand either. As I've only met him once I don't want to appear overly keen, so was wondering whether anyone has some advice as to what my next move should be?

OP posts:
nkf · 07/08/2013 09:00

I think you should have lots and lots of men on the go, rather than fretting on this one date. He's back on the website looking. You should be too.

navada · 07/08/2013 09:05

Sending a quick text saying 'hi, I really enjoyed meeting you last night - how about meeting up again one night next week? is not exactly 'chasing' - it took me all of 30 seconds to type that out.
If he was interested he'd have been in touch, he hasn't so he's not bothered. personally, I wouldn't put us both in the awkward situation of him having to fob me off with excuses.

madasa · 07/08/2013 09:08

You are right arsenaltilidie I didn't have to question whether he liked me or not. By the same token he didn't have to question if I liked him or not. It was simple, no game playing or second guessing etc.

I have been in situations where I've worried about 'the rules' in the past...I couldn't be arsed now.

I would text him and then there's your answer....but that's just me.

Good luck OP

JRmumma · 07/08/2013 09:21

When you say he has been back on the dating website, what you mean is you BOTH have! What's that got to do with anything?

Id give him a text to see if he would like to do it again, if he ignores it move on, if he says no wish him all the best and if he says yes then happy days!

You have nothing to lose and neither of you owe the other anything after just one date.

Original poster
CoralQueen · 07/08/2013 09:28

I think you have to have quite thick skin for OD because it involves a lot of rejection and odd behaviour to get anywhere! My confidence has been knocked a bit because before this date, three different guys arranged a date and then I didn't hear anything from them again, didn't even go on the date. It doesn't help your self-esteem as you start wondering whether they haven't go back to you because of the flaws you see in yourself!

My thoughts at the moment are I could probably find a guy who is interested and doesn't play games with me!

OP posts:
patienceisvirtuous · 07/08/2013 09:29

It is a difficult one. I am torn but swaying towards thinking you should just text him. But least you will know and there is no room for what ifs

Just to add, I had to do more initiating with DP in the early days. He wasn't very confident, I was. It was definitely worth the effort :-)

Original poster
CoralQueen · 07/08/2013 09:33

JRmumma, I've only been on it to check if he's been on it! So sad.. There's one other guy that I wouldn't mind going on a date with so maybe I should speak to him and see what happens there.

OP posts:
MissStrawberry · 07/08/2013 09:34

Relationship making shouldn't be about game playing.

If my DH hadn't come right out with asking me we probably would have slipped into friends zone and if I hadn't initially said when are we going to meet them it probably would have been the same result. 17 years later happily married with kids Grin.

MissStrawberry · 07/08/2013 09:35

then not them

JRmumma · 07/08/2013 09:40

Nothing to stop you texting guy 1 and also a date with guy 2. Keep your options open at this stage.

Try not to take first dates too seriously. Believe me, i know its easier said than done but try not to feel rejected if someone doesn't want to see you again. Its much better than being strung along for a bit in the long run.

Offred · 07/08/2013 09:43

If you actually like him, not sure you do as everything you say is about how he is better than the others you have met, then I would text him just one time. However I tend to think from your description you're not too bothered and neither is he because when I've had a spark with someone we have either not gone home at all or spent all night texting. Rarely I've had a slow starter that turned into something really intense so I think maybe you should think about whether you really like him for him, online dating aside, and whether you would like to see him again and then proceed on that basis. Waiting around for him to express interest seems silly, why let you relationships all be led by your partner?

Quaffle · 07/08/2013 09:49

If he wasn't too shy to initiate a first date why would he be too shy to initiate a second?

Original poster
CoralQueen · 07/08/2013 09:54

Very true Quaffle, I didn't think of it like that.

Offred, I've only met him once so there's only so much I can feel for him but he seemed a really nice guy and he was the whole package. With the other dates I have been on with people I have met through the website, there has been something that I didn't like or I didn't find them attractive, which was not the case with this date, but maybe he feels differently.

OP posts:
bionic77 · 07/08/2013 09:54

Why don't you text and just ask how his week is going. Then if he is shy you've made first contact and he can follow up your question with an invitation. If he doesn't there is your answer.

I would normally advocate The Rules as sadly it does work. I find though it works best with those kind of men who are used to getting what they want so playing hard to get is unusual for them.

Original poster
CoralQueen · 07/08/2013 10:02

Shall I just text him and put this thing to an end? Then we can settle whether the rules really do work!

OP posts:
Offred · 07/08/2013 10:05

I'm sure the rules trap a man for you but I don't think it is the kind of man I'd want.

Everyone I've been with I've been interested from the first time I met them. I accept maybe it is different for different people.

Bant · 07/08/2013 10:16

Offred - I think the rules aren't about 'trapping' a man.

I've heard so many times from women about how a man is nice, and all, you know, but he's so bloody over-keen it's offputting.

This is just the flipside of that. We want someone who's interested in us but also doesn't come across as needy.

A text from a woman to ask a man out isn't 'needy' of course, but if a man is interested in a woman, he will get in contact. It's just sexual RealPolitik

Offred · 07/08/2013 10:20

It seems like gender stereotyping to me bant.

I've never subscribed to it. I wouldn't want a relationship with someone who did.

Offred · 07/08/2013 10:20

Apply a formula to seeking a partner you doom yourself to only finding formulaic relationships...

Bant · 07/08/2013 10:31

Gender stereotyping isn't always incorrect, Offred. Men and women are biologically different, look for different things and have different behavioural patterns.

I'm not saying men and women aren't equal, just that they're not the same. And being pursued by a woman can often flip a mental switch from 'potential partner' to 'potential shag' in many men.

I've been the same in the past, to be honest. If there is a woman I have a strong connection and spark with on a first date, then I'm very pleased if she gets in touch and suggests a second date. I'll normally have done so myself the next day though.

If I'm not particularly interested though, if it was a pleasant enough evening but I don't feel any great need to see her again, then I don't generally contact apart from a 'it was nice to meet you' polite text.

If she texts me first then part of my brain thinks 'Oh, that's nice, she fancied me, I could probably get her into bed' - but that's all, it doesn't make me suddenly fancy her more.

Offred · 07/08/2013 10:38

Men and women are biologically different but anything beyond that is a social construct. If you approach dating by seeking 'the norm' I doubt you'll ever find anything worthwhile or satisfying. I'm not really that interested in people who fall into those socially constructed gender roles. I find them boring and tiring.

I've had a couple of infuriating dalliances with men who tried to apply "the woman formula" to me and expected to behave "like a man" without giving any thought to their behaviour. It really is stupid and unsatisfying as a way to live and love.

Original poster
CoralQueen · 07/08/2013 10:39

That was an interesting insight Bant.

A date I went on before this text me saying, "It was nice to meet you but I didn't feel any chemistry between us so I think we should just be friends."

Obviously we're not going to be friends, I'm never going to see the guy again, but he was honest about his feelings. I didn't feel anything their either but I just proceeded to thank him for his honesty! Why can't guys be that honest all the time? Would be a lot easier..

OP posts:
IKnewHouseworkWasDangerous · 07/08/2013 11:23

Why cant men be honest? They are asking why women cant be honest

The rules

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Rules

My rules

Be yourself and be honest. If you arent good enough for them they arent good enough for you.

IKnewHouseworkWasDangerous · 07/08/2013 11:23

Then at least if you are rejected you arent being rejected for being someone else

myfriendflicka · 07/08/2013 11:39

Some men use the fallacy of biological determinism to justify nonsense like: "Men are very visual which is why I need to be with women under 30 even though I am 63 and look like the back of a bus. Sorry, it's biological determinism so you can't argue with it."

Also, they like to advance the argument that because they do something, all men do.

Interesting idea: men are as different from each other as women are.