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Original poster

Should I text him first?

169 replies

CoralQueen · 06/08/2013 17:05

I've been online dating for the past couple of months and have had my fair share of bad dates. My last one though was the nicest of the bunch and I had a really nice time.

When my date got home after driving quite a way, he messaged me to say he had got home and that he hoped I had a good night. I responded by thanking him for taking me out and saying that I had a nice time.

That was two days ago and I haven't heard from him since, but he has been the dating website.

I'm not really sure what his thoughts of the date were and I'm not sure where I stand either. As I've only met him once I don't want to appear overly keen, so was wondering whether anyone has some advice as to what my next move should be?

OP posts:
Original poster
CoralQueen · 06/08/2013 21:36

Thanks guys, everyone's comments have been helpful! He did text that night saying that he hoped I had a good time, which is why I'm not sure what to think. I don't expect him not to go on the website and on our date he told me how busy he was apart from Monday/Wednesday nights. If he doesn't text by tomorrow night, I won't get my hopes up and if it goes past that I know where I stand!

OP posts:
TroublesomeEx · 06/08/2013 22:01

Coral I think that's the best way to do it.

I'm chatting with a man at the moment that I quite like. We've only been chatting since last Monday, but we've clocked up 2-3.5 hours every night. We're meeting next week.

I know that, unless he says/does something to put me off on the date, then I will be hoping for him to call again, in a way that I haven't with the others, however nice they've been.

I'm going to have to try and remember all of these comments then!

Viking1 · 06/08/2013 22:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
CoralQueen · 06/08/2013 23:24

Ok so I was on board with playing to the rules and just had another thought (smack me back into reality if need be). He told me that he's quiet a shy guy and he's only started to come out of his shell since he got a new job as he is talking to customers all day. Would this stop him from getting in contact? As most of you have said, I've left the ball in his court, so surely not?

OP posts:
Original poster
CoralQueen · 06/08/2013 23:25

Good luck FolkGirl! Hope it turns out well :)

OP posts:
WhoNickedMyName · 06/08/2013 23:28

I think you're clutching at straws with that thought.

Original poster
CoralQueen · 06/08/2013 23:32

Thought so.. haha

OP posts:
AmandaLF · 06/08/2013 23:37

I would text him. It's not like you have anything to lose and he may be at his end worrying that you're not interested in him.

WhoNickedMyName · 07/08/2013 00:08

Back in the days when I was dating, if a guy wanted to see me again he either asked me at the end of our first date when saying goodbye, or texted by the next morning at the latest saying he had a great time and asking was I free for drinks/coffee/whatever later in the week.

The ones who didn't do that, well I'd either never hear from them again, or they'd get in touch a week or so later, which to me said I was more of a 'back up plan' if they were at a loose end.

You said in your OP that you're not really sure what his thoughts on the date were. Certainly, to me, his text seemed a bog standard polite 'nice to meet you'. Coupled with the fact that he's been back on the dating site, I think he's just not that into you.

Put him out of your head, get back online and get some more dates lined up - onwards and upwards! Grin

PareyMortas · 07/08/2013 00:12

It's not Wednesday yet, if he's interested he'll text Weds/Thurs.

SundaysGirl · 07/08/2013 00:17

Or you could look at it like this. You are currently spending a certain amount of emotional energy wondering. There could be all manner of reasons why he has not texted you. You could carry on wondering until you either give up because he has not got in touch, or he contacts you.

OR you could text him, see what his response is and take it from there. If he responds positively then great. If he does not then you have saved yourself potentially another week or so of worrying and anxiousness before coming to the conclusion he's not interested.

Sure it might smart a bit if he doesn't want to see you again, but at least then you know (and waiting and then concluding he doesn't want to will still smart just the same, but you have added all that extra worry energy into the mix).

Hope that makes sense!!

cluckyduck · 07/08/2013 00:39

Sod The Rules, don't live your life by a set of meaningless guidelines that give men all the power - stop fretting and text him tomorrow, at least you'll know one way or another.

Ps I texted a bloke i met online to ask him out to the cinema after a successful first date - we've been married nearly 4 years now Smile

stargirl04 · 07/08/2013 00:41

Worley - the Rules are a basically a dating guide written by two American women, which advocate playing hard to get, never chasing men, letting them do most of the chasing and making most of the effort in the early stages of the relationship and, ultimately, dating with self-esteem and "loving only those who love you".

Naturally, it is a highly controversial book. When I read it I thought it was daft too ... until I noticed that the rules actually worked. I see the Rules working their evil magic among all my friends and with my two sisters.

So yes..... I'm with Jan45 and lady branston (or was it cranberry?) on this.

Don't text him. Just do nothing - and you will find out whether he is truly interested. It's like a game of poker.. you gotta know when to hold and when to fold Grin

And if he doesn't pan out, rest assured that there will be some other d**khead along before long to do your head in another man you like on the horizon soon.. Wink

Keep us posted!

dontputaringonit · 07/08/2013 01:21

Have I wandered into a playground? rules are bullshit!

If you want to see him again text him. 'Hey, i'm keen to see you again. what do you think? are you free next Tuesday for dinner?' or whatever. You'll be able to tell if he is keen by his response. If he isn't, spend Tuesday meeting someone else! NEEEXT.

allaflutter · 07/08/2013 01:24

OP, I'd normally advise not to initiate a second date (bitter experience Grin), especially if you met in RL not online, but in this case it's just so much simpler to text. He is a bit shy, and the fact is, online dating is much more equal in terms of initiative than meeting someone, say, in a bar.
There is also a chance he didn't get your text that night, it happens. Why not very casually text, asking whether he'd like to meet again or should you go back to your search, in a light way (maybe adding that you are in impatient person or something). He will then be forced to say something (and as he's polite he won't be harsh), but if there's been crossed wires, he'd be very pleased, and will then take the lead.

I suspect that his new found confidence makes him want to meet quite a few women before choosing one to date, so don't have your hopes high. He may admit to this andthen later realise you were a catch and then chase you, but meanwhile date others.

madasa · 07/08/2013 07:53

I met DP online. Neither of us followed any 'rules', in fact we probably broke quite a few!
Have been together just over 6 years now :)

arsenaltilidie · 07/08/2013 08:31

Madasa I bet you didn't question if he likes you or not.

The rules are correct in that a man will let you know if he likes you.

arsenaltilidie · 07/08/2013 08:33

OP if you contact him, you risk getting yourself into a FWB situation.
You contact him, he sees it as you are very keen, suggests you drive the long distance...

Original poster
CoralQueen · 07/08/2013 08:36

I appreciate everyone's comments, thanks guys!

He initiated the first date, so I feel like I should do with the second but I text him last, leaving the ball in his court which says to me that he's not interested.

I'll wait until tonight when he claims not to be busy and if he hasn't text by then I will get in touch and see what he thinks about another date.

Worst case scenario is that he says no, but I will never see him again so it won't be embarrassing, and then I'll know not to bother wondering.

Best case scenario is that he says yes and then I'm just even more confused about what "rules" apply to OD!

OP posts:
TroublesomeEx · 07/08/2013 08:38

OP if you contact him, you risk getting yourself into a FWB situation.

Interesting!

navada · 07/08/2013 08:42

If he's interested he'll text you, don't text him.

navada · 07/08/2013 08:43

Where are these 'rules' - I'd like to see them.

Speedos · 07/08/2013 08:48

Another vote for not texting, guys will be touch if they want to!

IKnewHouseworkWasDangerous · 07/08/2013 08:56

Sod all this game playing. So glad I am out of the game. But really whats wrong with saying "hey fancy a coffee" if you like someone and fancy a coffee with them? If they say no or make an excuse dont carry on flogging a dead horse.

IKnewHouseworkWasDangerous · 07/08/2013 08:57

I would also add I am a feminist. Making men do all the chasing is bollocks!