Lap dance at stag do

[worrybynature]

I'm getting married a week today. Dp's stag was last night. He knows how I feel about strippers, and that I don't agree with it. He had a lap dance in a stretch hummer. I feel disgusted thinking about a naked woman grinding on his lap- I feel like he has been unfaithful. How do I get over this?

[kalidanger]

I thought the whole point of bummers was that they're huge? But that's obviously beside the point.

Are they all still at your house, OP? Chatting and laughing about their great night out?

[kerala]

The run up to your wedding is now ruined.

[kalidanger]

:o HUMMERS not bummers

[pumpkinsweetie]

I wouldn't be happy either, it's one thing having a stripper that i could just about handle, but a stripper in a hummer and then having to hear grotesque comments from the best man! I would be livid tbh, and i'm sure your dh would feel the same if you had a giant cock grinding in your face and then your mates bigging it up!

[TondelayoSchwarzkopf]

Even if you do go ahead with the wedding (and I think this is a mistake based on your posts) I think the minimum requirement would be that the "best man" (ha) does not attend.

[CajaDeLaMemoria]

Was this a proper stripper? (god I hate that sentence). Itddoesn't sound overly responsible of the club to allow her into a moving vehicle with a group of men and very little space.

£10 each to touch her suggests otherwise, too.

[pumpkinsweetie]

Caja makes a good point-was this a stripper or something worse altogether?

[dontputaringonit]

I asked if he was remorseful OP only because to ME that would make a difference - I think! Not sure how much of a difference but it would.

Some of the nicest guys I know have such dickhead mates. I don't know why but they do.

I really don't know what I would do OP. perhaps get him to beg forgiveness, get rid of his best man and marry him. But only if this was a one off. If there had been similar behaviour before then I wouldn't.

[Ezio]

Caja, might have a point, she could have been a prostitute, in which there are very few rules.

[SirRaymondClench]

I have seen on TV that you can get strippers in hummers (on some awful programme on drinking in town centres) so it does happen but the extra £10 for a feel leans towards this being something else? Either way - classy eh?

[kalidanger]

Was DP drunk when he doesn't usually drink? There's some wiggle room to pity him if the situation is otherwise completely out of character. But if it's connected to other dubious behaviour that you've previously brushed off...

I agree with ALittleStranger and consider use of prostitutes on a par with racism and overt misogyny but appreciate that (possibly) most people wouldn't agree.

[clam]

Don't let the pre-wedding hype sway your thinking on this. You've been working towards it, with planning and excitement for months, so it seems a massive deal to cancel/postpone. But it's only the one day. You're going to be married to this guy for a very long time (presumably). His morals and "character" are very important to your long-term happiness. Has he shown you who he really is on this occasion?
Only you can know. Trust your instinct.

[dontputaringonit]

In my experience a lot of women who call themselves strippers or lap dancers will offer extras.

[clam]

givvusaclue Sure, yeah, right.

[IloveJudgeJudy]

shame Completely agree with your post. Have been discussing this thread with DH. We both said that if OP's OH is normally a fine, upstanding person, then OP shouldn't let this one blip upset her so much. It is obvious that the best man only did this for a wind-up.

All this castigation of the OH. Nobody's perfect. Nobody at all. I don't know if it's down to the Oreal "because I'm worth it" culture, but imo many people don't work hard enough at their relationships. I know that OP is really upset. I'm sure, if her OH is as lovely as she's said he is, when he has recovered from last night, they will be able to discuss things in a civilised manner and move past this.

OP, please don't let this one thing stop you marrying your OH if everything else is right in the relationship.

[dontputaringonit]

giv has a point - mumsnet loves to shout LTB!

[clam]

I've been married 18 years (as of yesterday). I understand about working at relationships.
However, I'm curious as to how the OP is the one who needs to be "working on" this relationship, when her fiancé's behaved appallingly, yet appears to think she's fussing and needs to get over it and move on. How's he working at it?

[NandH]

Ermmm, right of passage my arse! Sorry :( this would be a deal beaker for me, especially as he's told you to 'get over it coz it's happened' .... I couldn't attach myself to such a disrespectful man like that for life!

This is your life, you need to decide whether you can tolerate this kind of behaviour and accept that his 'best mate' is total wanker!

[NandH]

Beaker?... Obviously I ment breaker

[waltermittymissus]

OP, if he never drinks and was insanely drunk, I would caution against throwing away your whole relationship.

That being said, I despise stripping and everything to do with it so I would be nuclear about it at this point.

His best man is an utter twat. And DP needs to do a LOT of grovelling.

The only thing that would give me pause and make me rethink this wedding is his staying quiet while best man said he "licked her minge"

Apparently though the stripper did say they could touch her if they all paid £10

This is one of the saddest things I've ever read.

[WafflyVersatile]

The best man is clearly an arsehole.

How I would view it is if a woman is drunk she is not able to give consent. What your DP's friends did was arrange for a woman to do this when your husband was not able to give consent.

This sort of stag do is still very much what many 28 year old men consider de riguer, unfortunately. There seems to be a degree of ritual humiliation involved too in stag night culture and lap dances can be as much about this as thinking they are actually a 'nice' fun thing. They are about embarrassing people rather than giving them a 'treat'.

[DrHolmes]

I don't think you should LTB but I do think you should make him grovel for a while. Make him think you are re-evaluating everything and make him worry!

Did you not expect him to have had a lap dance though? That is the one occasion i do think my partner will have a lap dance. Not that i'd be happy about it but i don't think it would come as a shock if he told me.

At least he did tell you though. I know how you're feeling and it is shit but just be nice to yourself.
Have you asked him if he did "lick her minge" though? That prob would be a dealbreaker for me :/ sorry you are going through this.