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Original poster

Lap dance at stag do

549 replies

worrybynature · 04/08/2013 10:16

I'm getting married a week today. Dp's stag was last night. He knows how I feel about strippers, and that I don't agree with it. He had a lap dance in a stretch hummer. I feel disgusted thinking about a naked woman grinding on his lap- I feel like he has been unfaithful. How do I get over this?

OP posts:
GreenSkittles · 07/08/2013 19:44

Only thing I have to add OP, is to not take notice of whoever said that if you do marry him this weekend it's like a promise that everything is put behind you, and not to be brought up again.

Presumably you are focused more on the wedding than anything else right now. You may need to talk about the stag and work things through a lot more after the wedding confetti has settled. Don't let anyone tell you that a ring on your finger means you have to box your feelings off. If he loves you, he will do what it takes to help you get past this.

cloudskitchen · 07/08/2013 20:01

Ok I'm going to be controversial. I agree that men watching naked women dance is icky and having them do so whilst on their laps is more icky BUT it goes on at a lot of stag do's. It doesn't mean they have been unfaithful. It just means their idiot best man thought it would be funny. Ok, OP had told him she didn't like it (lets face it what woman does) but the idiot best man organised it anyway and the other members of the stag party would have been egging him on. I don't think OP should cancel her wedding over this or even pay it any further thought. I strongly suspect their are many wives that have no idea their husbands enjoyed/endured similar experiences. my dh might be one of them for all I know. I have never asked and I never want to know.

If op's fiancé was in the habit of visiting lap dancing clubs on a regular basis then I think they would have a problem but as a one off indiscretion on his stag do? Not nice but not the end of the world.

As I said earlier, I hope you have an absolutely fantastic wedding day op. The start of your lives together as a married couple. How exciting x

(throws arms over head and runs away to hide Grin )

arsenaltilidie · 07/08/2013 20:20

You also can't change someone's personality, if he likes naked women dancing for him then that's that really

wow LEDKR, you sound like the best man.

Whocansay · 07/08/2013 20:30

I'd get your fiancé to ditch the 'best' man. He knew damn well how spiteful that comment was. He enjoyed your hurt and your fiancé's discomfort. He sounds like the sort of bastard who would enjoy humiliating you both with his speech. Do not give him the opportunity.

Also, did you tell your mum that your fiancé licked this woman's genitals? I'm finding it very difficult to imagine any mother telling her daughter that this is OK.

Ledkr · 07/08/2013 20:41

Yes arsenal of course I do Hmm
If a guy likes to exploit women then that's that. You can ask him not to do it but it doesn't take away his Intent or attitude to women.
I'd rather be married to someone with respect and integrity than someone I had to prevent doing stuff forcibly.
Such hard work IMO

GreenSkittles · 07/08/2013 20:46

It's context isn't it clouds If a guy gets drunk at his work Christmas party and ends up in the stationery cupboard with a naked female colleague writhing over him it would be cheating. Or got drunk at a nightclub, and had a drunk woman all over him in a toilet cubicle.

But women are supposed to be 'a good laugh' about it because it happened deliberately rather than accidentally... And it's not considered cheating with strippers because we dehumanise them. It wasn't a girl at a club, it was just a stripper.

Ledkr · 07/08/2013 20:46

clouds the objectification of women is rather more serious than icky
I do agree now though that the op should enjoy her day now and put this behind her......for now!

GreenSkittles · 07/08/2013 20:48

Whocansay He told her it didn't happen, but it was an odd thing for the best man to make up. If she was moving her crotch in front of his face for some of the 'few minutes' - it's possible.

Vivacia · 07/08/2013 20:48

It doesn't mean they have been unfaithful
Some of us do define it as being unfaithful.

OP had told him she didn't like it (lets face it what woman does)
What? So women who tolerate it are just accepting something they don't like? Why would they do that? Why should they? Many, many of us don't.

Whocansay · 07/08/2013 21:00

GreenSkittles I hope it didn't happen and he did make it up (I clearly missed that bit!). The poor woman involved was incidental, as just a piece of meat.

I still think that the 'best' man means harm and should be kept away from any position of responsibility at the wedding. I can see him bringing this up in the speech as a 'hilarious' story.

Darkesteyes · 07/08/2013 21:04

Clouds thats twice youve mentioned "being excited about a wedding day"

I think the OP should be thinking more about the marriage than the wedding day.

A marriage is more than a dress a party a big bunch of flowers and a bloody cake

Darkesteyes · 07/08/2013 21:09

Vicacia it sounds like Clouds would tolerate it as long as it didnt affect her wedding day

I think thats the reason why some women "dont want to know"

A dangerous attitude.

cloudskitchen · 07/08/2013 21:22

haha. that's brilliant. I was very very excited about my wedding day. I was, after all, about to commit to the man I love and want to spend the rest of my life with. 12 years and 2 dc on and we are still going strong.

As for the objectification of woman - well I have a different view I'm afraid. To coin the great Johnny Rotten "its their career choice" and if they want to make their money by dancing for men who are drunk and foolish that is totally up to them.

Vivacia · 07/08/2013 21:29

How does that mean it's not objectification?

arsenaltilidie · 07/08/2013 21:39

LEDKR If a guy likes to exploit women then that's that.
Another one!
You do sound like the BM because you are both shit stirrers.

Unless I'm mistaken the issue with the OP wasn't about exploitation, but the stripper issue.

But is the DH exploiting women?
Women going to strippers on hen nights exploiting men too?

Well that's another thread if you think strippers are being exploited and don't know what they are doing.

cloudskitchen · 07/08/2013 21:48

I didn't say it wasn't objectification. I said I had a different view. More like self-objectification. These woman are using their own bodies to earn money. To wield that power over drunken men (or women if you want to include women that have strippers at their hen parties. Plenty of those too and no, not me). But we are getting way off topic. OP was upset that future dh had a lap dancer. She has managed to put that to one side and enjoy the build up to her wedding day. I sincerely hope she has now stopped reading this thread so she can enjoy the excitment (thats 3 times now for those that are counting Wink )

AnyFucker · 07/08/2013 21:48

arsenal haven't you some slut-shaming rugby banter to be had elsewhere ?

you are coming out with one cliche after another on this thread, it is yawnsome and very very predicatable

why are you so bovvered, seriously ?

I think your partner doesn't pipe up about objectification of women because she daren't rock the boat. You never STFU about men's right to disrespect women and women's place to suck it up, do you ?

yuk

Vivacia · 07/08/2013 21:52

Clouds, I think that objectification of women and the 'self-objectification" you describe are not the same thing at all, hence why your comments don't address the point.

runningforthebusinheels · 07/08/2013 21:54

Calling Ledkr the same as the BM is ridiculous. Ledkr is speaking for the benefit of the op (even if it's not necessarily what the op wants to hear/face). The BM is definitely not.

Puts me in mind of another friends wedding - the groom wanted 'another one bites the dust' playing them out of the venue on their wedding day - because he was settling down with his girlfriend and would no longer be 'one of the lads.' Seriously. Shock The actions of this stag party to remind me of that mentality. The 'wife is a ball and chain' mentality - rather than the novel view that women are human beings - equal to the men.

cloudskitchen · 07/08/2013 21:59

Well either way its a subject for a whole other thread and getting somewhat adrift of the original post.

Darkesteyes · 07/08/2013 22:03

running I actually think its the other way round.

To quote Jack Nicolson in The Witches of Eastwick

"Marriage.......Great for the man. Lousy for the woman.

runningforthebusinheels · 07/08/2013 22:04

I do wonder if a frank discussion between the op and her dp about buying strippers/the sex industry might help. He has professed disgust at the thought of his young dd ever being like that stripper, and yet was 'curious' about having a lapdance himself. That shows a level of cognitive dissonance which could be challenged - simply pointing out to him that every lapdancer is someone's daughter, and how would he feel if a load of men were jeering over his daughter like that in the future...?

runningforthebusinheels · 07/08/2013 22:08

darkesteyes - you're right there and the surveys about 'contentment' and such support that.

But it seems to be some sort of myth that the 'lads' lose one of their number when one settles down - hence the whole stag night tradition I suppose. But only amongst groups of lads who don't consider women equals - how could you genuinely consider women equals if you're prepared to bay and leer over strippers??

Vivacia · 07/08/2013 22:08

Another man's daughter, sister, wife... There's something be said for women being valued as people in their own right.

arsenaltilidie · 07/08/2013 22:12

AF love how you are trying to paint my DW as some put upon woman who 'daren't rock the boat'

Don't you know I think women's place should be in the kitchen Hmm

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