Lap dance at stag do

[worrybynature]

I'm getting married a week today. Dp's stag was last night. He knows how I feel about strippers, and that I don't agree with it. He had a lap dance in a stretch hummer. I feel disgusted thinking about a naked woman grinding on his lap- I feel like he has been unfaithful. How do I get over this?

I would see my dh in a completely different light if he did this. I don't think I could trust him again.

Those that accept this sort of thing as boys will be boys, or standard stag do behaviour are buying into a misongynistic system that places women firmly as playthings of the men.
I lose respect for anyone who goes to strip clubs or similar, whether their partners accept it or not.

His argument is that he had a lot to drink and she was in the limo and he was being egged on So he's a sheep who does what everyone else tells him too?
I would suggest that your DP sacks his best man as it was him who organised the stripper and so he is showing you no respect. But you DP also needs to apologise. He can't just say "what's done is done, move on". Either he understands it has upset you or he thinks your feelings don't count as much as him having some fun.

givvus - the woman in a bikini on the beach hasn't been paid to be there for the titillation of men.

The woman in a bikini at the beach is also not naked, nor is she sitting on dps lap!

givvusaclue

"My dp was honest because I can trust him."

to be fair, givvusaclue, if youre' the poster I remember, given your previous thread about your relationship, you are in an EA situation where you said you feel trapped and there has been a lot of nasty stuff. I'm surprised you can trust him with anything.

Apologies if you weren't the person who posted that, but your name does sound familiar.

For no reason I can fathom men - quite wrongly - turn into 12 year olds when they're on a stag, some believe the word 'stag' is a bye word for do what ever you want and sod the consequences and they're allowed to behave how they want. It sounds like your DP as dragged into something he should have but didn't say no to, it also sounds like the best man is thoroughly enjoying winding you up. I would say the best man is an arse who needs a talking to, your DP is a tit for getting caught up in it and although only you can decide the future of your relationship you can console yourself with the fact that he will never have another stag do so shouldn't be in this position again and can carry on being the lovely person you know him to be.

"he is still adamant that I am wrong for reacting in the way I have"

yes OP, and that's the problem. It's not so much about naked women, or minge licking, it's the fact that he is minimising and telling you your feelings aren't valid.
If a man does that now, before marriage, I can promise you he'll still be doing it 20 years down the line too. He needs to learn to listen to you and acknowledge your feelings. He doesn't have to agree with you.

After many apologies and much grovelling, assurances and promises I should have added!!

I had this too. I have no issue with strippers, I have a couple of friends who are strippers, escorts, porn actresses etc so I know how it all works.

I didn't want DH to have a stripper, not because I don't trust him, but because I'm so insecure about my body the idea that he might think "cor I wish crumpets looked like that" is absolutely devastating for me

When DH had his stopper it was his choice, he went for a private dance. He told me, he told me he hated it (not just saying it, I knew from his face) he was so sorry he'd hurt me. He was curious.

I slept in the spare room for a week as I didn't want him to see me and all my fat and stretch marks. I was really hurt that he did it. He was really upset he did it, and felt even worse when he knew how hurt I was.

His friend and best man kept going on and on about it, he regularly has lap dances so wasn't an issue for him. And it was hard for me to keep quiet and laugh it off.

We dealt with it. I just had to suck it up. It was my insecurity that was the issue. If I'd been happy with my body I knew it wouldn't be such an issue for me. It was unfair to keep punishing DH for 1 mistake (which he was genuinely sorry for) and my body issues. Plus she kept putting her hair in his face, which I know makes DH feel sick, it's like nails on a chalkboard for him (I admit I took great pleasure in that fact!) so I knew he genuinely didn't enjoy it.

It took a while but we got there. I would tease him about if for ages. If he walked past me in just his boxers I'd grab a tenner or twenty from the cash pot and slip it into his boxers and tell him "dance for me bitch"
Made me feel better, and made him a little uncomfortable which was mean of me, but satisfying too!! I also threw away the trouses he wore during the dance.

3 years on its not even an issue.

So I'm giving you a hug and I'm going to say it will be fine. It was a one off, drunken mistake. It doesn't even seem like it was his choice. It's good he's been honest with you, just make it clear that you're upset and why you are upset.

Just one more thought, is it possible he is trying to brush it under the carpet and asking you to get over it because he is embarrassed and doesn't know (or want) to handle the situation? Hope I'm making some sense

Is he hungover? Maybe you need a bit of space and come back to this in a few hours? Decide what you need for you to be comfortable getting married in a week then discuss this with your DP.

Crumpets your DH was remorseful and acknowledged your upset, the OP's idiot is blaming her for her upset. I think that's a massive difference.

Personally, if my DH behaved as yours did, I'd get past it. If he behaved as the OP's did, maybe not. It's the lack of respect and the minimising and deflecting of blame, it's not about the lap dance. imo.

Crumpets while I understand that for you it was all about your own security that you didn't like it, your DH behaved appropriately in helping you to deal with it.

But for many of us our objections to this have nothing to do with insecurity and it really does bug me when people infer it's always about jealousy or insecurity. There are other issues here too that bother me. Insecurity has nothing to do with it.

"My dp went on a stag do where the groom had multiple lap dances. He told his missus they went go karting and had a few quiet beers after.

My dp was honest because I can trust him".

Trust him to what? Behave like a creep? Hang out with men who lie to their wives? You are so lucky.

It's ok to expect more from your partner, OP. Not all men go around in drunken gangs, ogling other women's genitals, and (ewww) watching their mates do the same.

None of the men of my acquaintance did the stripper thing. Guess I'm just friends with non-sexist, mature guys. Lucky me.

I agree with this.

Also this isn't really a thread about stripping. It's a thread about someone whose DP disrespects and minimises her point of view and tells her she is wrong to feel upset about something and doesn't defend her to his friends.

sapfu that's why I said op needs to explain why she is upset rather than just saying she is upset. To make him understand where she is coming from and hopefully realise he is in the wrong. If afterward he still maintains he's done nothing wrong then I completely agree he's an arse!

CVS not sure where I said that all women were insecure and jealous of strippers? I though OP had said she felt insecure and that was my feeling also. Which is why I mentioned it. I appreciate some women don't like the idea for a multitude of reasons, I have none of those reasons. Only my insecurity so I'm not qualified to speak on behalf of other women and their reasons.

My friend's DH's stag night involved strippers (with his dad getting in there with the first private dance- gross!)

My friend said it was ok as she 'trusted him'- I trust my husband but strippers are still a definite no no for me, and him.

I HATE this idea that stripping is an acceptable right of passage- it isn't. It's disrespectful and quite frankly a crock of shit.

OP, I hope you're doing ok. You really need to have time to think about this (hard, I know with the wedding a week away). Your DP needs to respect how you are feeling and find a way through this, if that's what YOU decide.

Crumpets I didnt say that you said all women are insecure. Other people do though, and have done on this thread.
I wrote my post badly - my first paragraph was to you, the second was general musing and should probably have been on a separate post. Sorry for the misunderstanding.

"Also this isn't really a thread about stripping. It's a thread about someone whose DP disrespects and minimises her point of view and tells her she is wrong to feel upset about something and doesn't defend her to his friends."

Exactly this. For me the worst thing about this whole thing is that he stood there and let his best man say things to OP that he knew were going to upset her. Trusting our life partner isn't just about whether or not he touched or didn't touch this stripper. Trust is knowing that your partner is there for you - 'got your back' as the saying goes. OP's partner put his mate ahead of her, yet again, when he didn't tell him to STFU about the minge licking.

OP if this were me, I wouldn't want to rush in to a wedding next weekend. I'd be buying some time to have a think about whether I'd want to tie myself to this man. I'd tell people the wedding was postponed due to a problem with the venue or something.

I know cancelling feels like a big thing, but this revelation and his reaction is a big thing too.

And I don't agree with all of this getting your own back or slipping him a tenner and telling him, "dance for me bitch". That's not the kind or relationship I accept.