Lap dance at stag do

[worrybynature]

I'm getting married a week today. Dp's stag was last night. He knows how I feel about strippers, and that I don't agree with it. He had a lap dance in a stretch hummer. I feel disgusted thinking about a naked woman grinding on his lap- I feel like he has been unfaithful. How do I get over this?

Arsenal if it was the OP who had had a male stripper and her maid of honor had stood there in front of the bride and groom to be and joked about the bride to be sucking the strippers cock would it still be banter?

Arsenal You said the woman should accept her partner paying for sexual services, but a man should dump a woman who told him to dump a mate who humiliated her and encouraged him to pay for sexual titillation. This seemed, at best, hypocritical to me.

darkesteyes hilarious analogy and so true.
Arsenal would you stand by and let your mate say stuff which was clearly upsetting for your wife because not many blokes I know would.

Good point darkest there is definitely a double standard here...

OP I hope it all works out for you. If I've done the maths correctly you are going to have the same wedding anniversary as my PIL and they have been married for 48 years. Good omen hopefully!

DH and I just had such an interesting conversation about this but unfortunately I'm too tired to type it all out... If this thread is still going in the morning I'll come back and tell you the Wise Words of Sage Mr Hearts. Nite nite all.

Just read through the whole thread.

Horrible, horrible situation to be in.

I would not be marrying this man, i would never be able to feel the same way about him again, and all my respect for him would of vanished in a flash.

As for that dickhead of a best man... Words fail me

Viv don't try to be manipulative by getting the TWO points mixed up.

The stag do is a 'tradition' whether we agree or not. So should be treated differently to DH going to a strip club on a random night.

The second point is it's controlling to say who should or shouldn't be a partner's friend. Most people would agree.

No i wouldn't be bothered if our bridesmaid was talking about the surprise stripper in a limo. One of dw friend plays rugby and I know she'd say anything to wind me up.

Like I said, way forward is to make it clear it will never happen again.

arsenal - I'm struggling to understand why, if I accept that a stag do could be considered a tradition, that stag do must be assumed to contain the purchasing of sexual services of some kind. I know a lot of men and it has been rare - only the most exceptionally objectionable men (my dh's friends who regularly use prostitutes/strippers, are functioning cocaine addicts, sexually abused at public school for example) for it to happen.

Also, why banning friends from the wedding, asking for friends to be dumped etc is controlling but dictating that a partner who clearly wants to see strippers can't isn't controlling?

If one person has a boundary and that thing is something the other wants to do and sees nothing wrong with the issue is that the couple are incompatible with each other surely and I don't think a solution can be found.

People who like lap dancing should have partners who also do or don't mind. Trying to force a compromise on a fundamental incompatibility will result in one partner being harmed and the other restricted, no-one will win.

And why should going to a stripper on a stag do be treated differently at all? The op's p knew how she felt about strippers, he made his choice, he effectively chose that seeing the stripper was more important than the op or his upcoming marriage.

Viv don't try to be manipulative

Wow. Trying to reprimand me and belittle me in so few words. Just... wow.

Rather radically (for arsenal I suspect) I think people who visit strippers/prostitutes/porn could be expected to understand that their partners might be upset/offended by it so even if they haven't helpfully explained their feelings beforehand like the op, in choosing to do any of those things they could expect that the reaction might end their relationship....

If they are so self obsessed and lacking in self-awareness or empathy and understanding for other people in general that they fail to realise that these things are problematic then nevermind, maybe losing the relationship will help them learn to consider other people (the people they consume for sexual pleasure mainly). If they feel entitled to consume other people for pleasure you are better off without them.

arsenal nicely avoiding the questions here.
Once again.
Would you stand by while a mate said tho ha that were clearly upsetting your wife? Even if you thought it was banter would that really come above your wife's feelings?
You say it would be ok for dw friend to laugh about a surprise make stripper but would it still be ok if said friend said dw had sucked him off?
My dh is one if the most reasonable people I know but I know he'd be furious with me and the friend!

I agree with Offred. People should find suitable mates. If a man likes strippers on a stag night, he should find a partner who doesn't mind them. It's ridiculous to make your partner msierable. And if it bothers you, don't get together with a man who thinks they are part of tradition and you should get over it. Most of the unhappiness in marriage is caused by people trying to force their views on each other.

There are enough people to go around without putting up with stuff you really don't like.

led No i wouldn't be bothered if our bridesmaid was talking about the surprise stripper in a limo. One of dw friend plays rugby and I know she'd say anything to wind me up.

Believe me my DW is capable of telling someone to f-off she is not some delicate flower that needs protecting.

The OPs DH will probably never visit a strip club. This whole issue was done as part of a 'tradition'. It's very different to someone actively going to a strip club.

It's not uncommon for a BM to not listen to a bride's request. He's probably laughing at how much the groom is in trouble.

"It's not uncommon for a BM to not listen to a bride's request. He's probably laughing at how much the groom is in trouble."
God, the way some people live...

There is such a huge difference between joking about a stripper and joking about your partner giving oral sex to someone!
I don't think in the ops case that the bm was acting as if it were a joke!
I really don't believe you that if your dw mates was seriously laughing and joking about the FACT that your dw had sucked another guys cock, that you would be falling about with mirth. Unless you have an open relationship which the op did not.
I agree you can't tell anyone who they can be friends with but you can hope that if your partners mates are massive cunts then they may choose not to hang about with them.

I am so glad that the behaviour displayed in some circles is something I have not, not will ever, experience

It sounds like shit

If its CLEARLY a wind up then its a wind up.

Unless you think the OP DH licked the woman's vagina.

Still missing the point.

Ok it was a wind up.

The whole thing made the op feel upset and humiliated.

Someone who doesn't care enough about their partner to step in at that point and stop the wind up, or who doesn't realise that making this joke in the first place is not going to be funny doesn't really love their partner, not really. If your partner is hurt by someone and you love them it normally hurts you too.

I don't agree arsenal.

In fact I don't really give a shit about the stupid set of rules that says you can sexually abuse women and that's fine, just a difference of opinion or a personal choice people are entitled to make but when you call someone an arsehole for doing it then you are in the wrong.

Swearing's the thing on mumsnet anyway... Don't you know...

OFFRED And yes I would defend her and would cut off such friend but in THIS situation DW would know it was a wind up and would laugh it off.

Trying to stop them would just make it worse. Would be surprised if the conversation went for more than 5 mins.

The 'he licked her minge' thing is what would be worst for me. If anyone "joked" about that to me about dh - I would never see them again. Drunkenness is no excuse - these men were worse than the 'law of the stag' secrecy thing - they were blatantly rubbing the op's nose in it. I'm seriously not sure I could get past that.