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Original poster

Lap dance at stag do

549 replies

worrybynature · 04/08/2013 10:16

I'm getting married a week today. Dp's stag was last night. He knows how I feel about strippers, and that I don't agree with it. He had a lap dance in a stretch hummer. I feel disgusted thinking about a naked woman grinding on his lap- I feel like he has been unfaithful. How do I get over this?

OP posts:
Offred · 07/08/2013 13:00

This op was upset and humiliated. What your p might think/do is irrelevant.

Offred · 07/08/2013 13:09

Makes me wonder if what you are trying to say is that a woman who reacts any other way than your p does is unreasonable and should "get over it"... That would put a new spin on your p's reaction for me.

Ledkr · 07/08/2013 13:21

The point is though that the OP did not know it was a joke and her dp already knew she was upset so even if he hadnt licked the strippers vagina the fact is that when his mate started to say these things joke or not he should have told him to stfu!!!! The joke was inappropriate at the very least given that his wife was already upset!
Your wife sounds a little like me in that she can seriously look after herself, in fact if dps mates spoke to me disrespectfully he'd be out if my fucking house on the end of my foot.
However before I did that my dh would have beaten me to it.
Actually yes I do think that the stag may well of stuck his tongue where it shouldn't be as it was an odd thing for the bm to say off the too if his head and would explain the stag not being annoyed with him too!

runningforthebusinheels · 07/08/2013 13:35

Quite, Ledkr. I wonder why the bm did make that joke, and whether it was actually a joke. The groom would hardly admit it, would he? The whole thing is just awful.

OP, if you're still reading, I hope you are ok, and everything goes well for you. I can understand why you wouldn't call off your wedding at such short notice, but be very aware that you need to put boundaries in place early on in your marriage. Don't allow him to belittle your feelings again, don't stand for it. Maybe he's truly learned his lesson here, but I worry that having got away with it this time...if there are to be other friends stag nights in the future, will he think it traditional that he sees a stripper or gets a lapdance then?

runningforthebusinheels · 07/08/2013 13:40

Thinking about arsenal's offerings to this thread, I don't think I would tell my dh not to have a lapdance. I think it would be - "fine, but don't expect me to be here when you get back." If that's controlling or whatever, then so be it. But I reserve the right not to be in relationship with someone who can use women/the sex industry like that.

He would never want to, as I said way upthread, so for me, at least, it's a moot point.

Darkesteyes · 07/08/2013 13:47

It's not uncommon for a BM to not listen to a bride's request. He's probably laughing at how much the groom is in trouble

How fucking immature. That is not a marriage Its emulating a parent child relationship. Also a good example of our mysogynistic culture.

nkf · 07/08/2013 13:55

What has Arsenal's DW got to do with anything? Weird. And the rugby playing. Weird.

Ledkr · 07/08/2013 14:05

I'm not even sure I'd go through the inconvenience of endi g my marriage tbh.
I would no longer know or respect dh as the person I thought he was so our relationship would just die.
I married a strong intelligent dignified man, if he became a leering mysoginist he would no longer be that person.
In actual fact one mate he was friendly with did try to subtly put me down a lot or make snidey remarks about our wedding or holiday choices.
Dh didn't always see it but then one day he overheard him telling me that I'd stopped dh going on his stag weekend and that he'd really wanted to go (our baby was born with cleft palate and developed pneumonia)
That was it, friend out of life just like that!
I think that is normal

comingintomyown · 07/08/2013 14:50

If your DP knew how strongly you felt about this he might have been better off avoiding the lads night out/limo stereotypical stag do as the addition of a stripper could surely have been foreseen ?

Did you remind him of the conversation that took place a year earlier where you said strippers were a deal breaker ? Did you say anything as he left the house presumably suited and booted for his night out ?

arsenaltilidie · 07/08/2013 15:32

Offred you asked about if I was in a similar situation.
My point of this is its ridiculous to say ltb or Uninvite the best man.

Best way is to move forward and make it clear it should never happen again.

Original poster
worrybynature · 07/08/2013 15:41

He says he didn't think I was serious when we discussed it last year. When he left the house I said be good! The week before I had been worrying about the stag and told him not to do anything that would upset me or that was dangerous. He said that he didn't think I would have been as upset as I was

OP posts:
Vivacia · 07/08/2013 15:44

Ooh, worry... How are you feeling about the wedding? How are you feeling about the marriage?

Original poster
worrybynature · 07/08/2013 15:59

Excited about the wedding. And hopeful about the marriage. I think in future if there is something I feel really really strongly against then I need to sit DP down and tell him, and make it very clear how I feel. Then it's his choice if he does it anyway, and he knows the consequences. We have lived together for 3 years, but I think we have a way to go before we both fully understand each other...

OP posts:
Vivacia · 07/08/2013 16:02

I've been biting my tongue because what I'd want now is support, not doubt. But. This,
I think in future if there is something I feel really really strongly against then I need to sit DP down and tell him, and make it very clear how I feel
just really worries me. The onus shouldn't be on you to police his behaviour. And how realistic is it to prempt every shitty thing he might do and identify it beforehand. Also, how strongly do you need to make your opinion clear?

Offred · 07/08/2013 16:07

I wouldn't say it is ridiculous to say either thing arsenal.

I haven't said either thing, although I'd LTB the op doesn't want to, with that in mind I was urging her to postpone the wedding based on her feelings because I thought that would be best for her considering her feelings and the description of her situation rather than my feelings and what I would do based on my feelings.

I think the crucial point is that if the wife/gf is not upset it isn't a similar situation it is simply telling us how your p would behave/feel.

Offred · 07/08/2013 16:08

I don't buy "I didn't think you were serious" what he means is he didn't take you seriously. I agree with viv btw, don't become the moral guardian/parent.

Offred · 07/08/2013 16:11

He chose not to take you seriously. Why is that?

I mean it sounds as though you have been way clearer and way more serious than most people in expressing your feelings about it.

Why exactly has he ignored you?

I don't think you are getting the full story.

cloudskitchen · 07/08/2013 16:12

worrybynature you should be excited. I absolutely loved my wedding day. It flies by so quickly so try and take a mental photos throughout the day to look back on. The very best of luck to you both. I hope the sunshines for you Smile Grin Thanks

MadAboutHotChoc · 07/08/2013 16:16

So even though you did tell him your worries and concerns the week before, he still did not take you seriously?

Sorry but that is a load of crap. Blaming you as well for not being clearer.

And an easy excuse to use every time he does something to upset you.

NotConnie · 07/08/2013 16:18

worry the more you're posting about your relationship, the more concerns I have.
One thing I know for sure is that you need to start NOW on working at clarifying and maintaining your boundaries.

Offred · 07/08/2013 16:23

Surely it is him who needs to do the work connie?

Specifically why he ignored your clear expressions of your feelings about the issues?

How he really feels himself about the sex industry.

Why he tried to blame you for not being clear enough when it was that he chose to ignore you.

Why he didn't respond to you being upset and humiliated by his friend (immaterial of what it was about).

I think the explanation will be he has madonna/whore as darkest said.

That he is a misogynist of the cowardly kind who thinks you are unreasonable to feel the way you do and that he therefore "has to" lie to you about how he feels and manipulate you so he still gets to do what he wants:

NotConnie · 07/08/2013 16:30

Offred, of course he needs to do work too. But he's not the one posting so he's not hearing this.

I feel as if he's taking advantage and if this isn't dealt with now, then I can't imagine how the marriage will be 5, 10 years from now.
I find OP's lack of assertiveness with him to be something she can work on.

Offred · 07/08/2013 16:33

I don't think being more assertive will make a difference. She's already been more assertive than most people. He chose to ignore her and then dismissed and blamed her for it.

Ledkr · 07/08/2013 17:40

You also can't change someone's personality, if he likes naked women dancing for him then that's that really!

StraightJacket · 07/08/2013 17:55

Couldn't agree more with everything Offred said.

Please, OP, I know you are desperate now to just forget and enjoy your wedding but sit back and really think about what Offred has said. Of course he knewit would upset you, you did more than enough to inform him of this beforehand and yet he still did it and is now trying to twist it and blame it on you. That is not the actions ofa man who respects his wife to be, who is truly sorry, and who plans to not do anything like this again in the future.

Seriously, just sit and think it through before brushing it under the carpet and marrying him. We aren't trying to hurt you, we are trying to help you not get hurt even more further down the line.