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Original poster

Lap dance at stag do

549 replies

worrybynature · 04/08/2013 10:16

I'm getting married a week today. Dp's stag was last night. He knows how I feel about strippers, and that I don't agree with it. He had a lap dance in a stretch hummer. I feel disgusted thinking about a naked woman grinding on his lap- I feel like he has been unfaithful. How do I get over this?

OP posts:
Offred · 06/08/2013 16:28

Thistle- think that's the main point. When something like this happens in a relationship you don't know yourself really what kind of relationship you have for sure. It needs time and rebuilding before you can be sure. There is less than a week to the wedding, it is such a risk to go ahead with it.

BelaLugosisShed · 06/08/2013 16:29

Fair point Offred, he should have been proactive and told the best man where to go himself, but TBH, I wouldn't care about being cast as the bad guy by making demands, her needs are priority in this situation, if he makes a fuss about any conditions she applies to this wedding, it will tell her all she needs to know about his priorities and how he will act in the future.

AnyFucker · 06/08/2013 16:31

OP, do you think he would have told you if he wasn't "disgustingly drunk"?

Original poster
worrybynature · 06/08/2013 16:35

Anyfucker yes I do. He is very honest and has never lied to me. He knew I would find out eventually, as the truth will always come out

OP posts:
Jelly15 · 06/08/2013 16:35

I would be cancelling the wedding or at least postponing it until we had counselling. Also best man must no longer be part of his life as he had totally disrespected me. The run up to your wedding should be a happy time, yours can't be until this is resolved and that will take time.

Your partner needs to know how much he has hurt you and you need to have respect for yourself by standing up to him and his mates by not backing down.

Offred · 06/08/2013 16:37

I don't think anything anyone does in 6 days could give you an accurate picture of who they really are enough to marry them. That's why I'd advise postponing.

The op (presumably) thought she was marrying someone who understood and respected her boundaries and respected her. This is no in doubt. It may still be the case but I very much doubt you would be able to find out either way in the 6 day run up to the wedding.

That effectively means the choice is to take a risk marrying and hope that it turns out to be a stupid mistake rather than an indication of his real attitude to the op/women.

Vivacia · 06/08/2013 16:55

Am I right in thinking the best man is still the best man?

Original poster
worrybynature · 06/08/2013 16:57

Yes

OP posts:
NotConnie · 06/08/2013 17:03

The BM would have to go if this was me. No way I'd want him at my wedding after all of this.

nkf · 06/08/2013 17:08

Ladies she's made her mind up. For better or worse and all that. Is there really any need to keep on worrying at it?

Witt · 06/08/2013 17:14

Won't it feel uncomfortable when the BM is giving his speech and toasting you and your DP to a happy life together, knowing that last week he was encouraging your DP to have a lap dance from a complete stranger? Also the bit in the wedding ceremony where you friends and family promise to support you as a couple, his friends have just shown they won't be doing that.

You are in a very difficult position because your DP hasn't given you much time to think about and make a decision about all of this. In fact, you are backed into a corner to accept it and follow through with the wedding to keep everyone happy as so much money has already been spent. Then effectively he has made what happened acceptable and can do it again knowing that you didn't leave the first time and that it's even harder to leave a marriage. The fact that he hasn't actually apologised for hurting you says it all.

Ledkr · 06/08/2013 17:17

To be fair to the op though, cancelling a wedding so close would be really hard and expensive I assume.
Most of us do put up with a bit if crap before totally ending a long term relationship.
What would concern me though op is his complete lack of ownership of what he's actually done and his upset you are about it.
It seems that despite you saying he's a good man he can't even get that fundamental thing right.
If you love someone you don't want them to feel awfull even if you don't feel it's justified and would attempt to make thi ha better for your partner.

clam · 06/08/2013 17:19

It "only lasted a few minutes before he told her to move on to someone else???"
A few minutes?!! That's a heck of a long time to have someone gyrating in your face.
Can I ask you what your OH's response was with regard to ditching the best man? Or did you not suggest it?

Darkesteyes · 06/08/2013 17:31

before he told her to move on to someone else.

I thought the strip was performed in a hummer.. so how could she move on to someone else This sounds more like something that would be said in a club.

Darkesteyes · 06/08/2013 17:39

YY Offred i said the same thing a few pages back This man has a Madonna/whore complex.. emphasised by the attitude he showed when asked how he would feel if his daughter did this when she was older.

And the DH is EVERY bit as responsible as the best man is. Would the DH have murdered someone if the best man asked hin to FFS.

Darkesteyes · 06/08/2013 17:46

The OPS DH after getting a lap dance in a hummer said that if his year old daughter grew up to be a stripper he wouuld hate it.
I mentioned the Madonna/whore complex and got shouted down by a poster who said that its perfectly alrright for a man to change his mind about this as he gets older and that its not hypocritical Confused

absolutely nothing to do with a man getting older and his sex drive dropping off so he doesnt care when hes older as long as he can get his jollies when hes younger and wants it more

TroublesomeEx · 06/08/2013 18:01

Wow Dark I've just read that article.

I don't know which one of them I respect less!

Offred · 06/08/2013 19:22

I'm sure it would be difficult and expensive to postpone the wedding, I'm sure it would upset a lot of people and cause a lot of emotional stress but I think saving face, saving money etc are not reasons to go ahead with a marriage you can't be sure of.

A divorce on top of years of potential hurt or the prospect of staying long term in a marriage with the wrong person seem much worse to me.

StraightJacket · 06/08/2013 19:27

How can he say that he wouldn't like his daughter to become a stripper but yet be curious and allow a stripper to give him a lapdance? That was someone elses daughter!! Hypocrisy at its best!

I couldn't marry a man like that, especially one who allowed his "best man" to torment and hurt me, minimised my feelings and expected me to just move on. Sorry OP, but IMO, especially so long as that friend of his hangs about, things will only get worse.

Doha · 06/08/2013 19:29

If that's his choice of "best" man l would hate to meet his "worst" man.

Doha · 06/08/2013 19:46

If that's his choice of "best" man l would hate to meet his "worst" man.

Lazyjaney · 06/08/2013 19:55

OP ignore the bitter enders here, it's all very sour grapes.

Offred · 06/08/2013 19:57

What is lazyjaney?

Saying something like this (breaking

Offred · 06/08/2013 19:58

Oops

(Breaking boundaries, minimising hurt and not supporting your gf with a dickhead mate) is a significant issue that needs time to work out and that it is unwise to take a risk on a marriage you can't be sure of when you have a small child.

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