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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Massive row feel like I've been battered

453 replies

Dearjackie · 03/08/2013 20:05

I have written a few threads on here as I struggle with this relationship I'm in, or was in. I find it hard to explain how I feel and the hold he has had over me. Slowly the fog is lifting but I still feel there is some hold there and I don't know why and don't understand myself

I've had a horrible experience today and really need to talk but am to ashamed to speak to anyone in RL. Had a lovely day out with'DP' and when we visited his sister she asked what his stbxw was doing today. I know I can be touchy about this sometimes but it annoys me that she is always brought up and I said so to DP on the way home. BIG mistake! All I really wanted was for him to say he understands its annoying for me and maybe that he finds it a bit irritating too. But oh no a huge row starts and as always his way of trying to shut me up and shut the argument/ discussion down is to say " finish with me then". So sick of hearing this I said fine.

We got back to mine, he packed his stuff, some nasty things were said. I have paid a non returnable deposit £400 for a holiday and he had given me his share which I hadn't banked yet and he demanded it back. I had to give it as he was looking through my drawers. He starts to drive off but keeps coming in and put with various excuses. Then he phoned his sister in front of me on loudspeaker and told her all that had happened making himself the innocent party of course. I still feel in shock with it all. I've never had a row with anyone like that and to involve a third party like that I don't know what he's trying to do. I know it's a totally dysfunctional relationship. I feel emotionally battered and bruised yet numb at the same time. He keeps trying to phone but I won't answer. I'm a mess. Don't really know what I want people to say I just had to get it out.

OP posts:
Dearjackie · 06/09/2013 22:03

jax and beryl I think the worst thing is I have lost confidence in myself as a person that other men will like / love

He told me he loved me often and that he'd never leave me and wanted to marry me and yet he DID leave. I will never believe those words out of someone's mouth again, because I never believed he would go but he did

He also said he put up with my illness and generally made me feel it would be difficult for me to get anyone else to stay with me. It's got into my head and I wonder if I am very difficult to be with. Basically he's made me doubt myself

Does this ever go away or will it colour all future relationships?

OP posts:
BerylStreep · 06/09/2013 22:24

I think you need to spend some time on your own, building up your confidence, and being happy in your own skin, before you even contemplate being with anyone again.

Without knowing the ins and outs of your previous relationship, it sounds like he did things that were designed to make you feel insecure - having the EXW always around in the wings, for example. You reacted to that, so he gets to say you are jealous and insecure, and therefore difficult to be with. But a normal relationship wouldn't have a guy parading his ex like that (or allowing his sister to do the same). Do you see what I mean? He was setting you up to be insecure, because that's where he wanted you.

I've had a relationship like this in the past - the boyfriend playing me off against his ex(es), and me like a mug, falling for it hook, line & sinker, wanting to prove that I was more desirable. Not just trying to prove it to him, but also to his family. I remember well the arguments that were so twisted, I would never be able to win - I remember just weeping and weeping, because it seemed like utter madness - I just could not get him to see sense or my point of view.

Now, years later, I realise that it was just never going to work. We were two completely different sorts of people (me sane, him a complete emotional fuck up), and although I haven't thought of him in years, I am in no doubt that he is still a complete fuck up. Meanwhile, I am happily married with 2 wonderful DC (well, apart from the usual moans, but I have a normally wonderful man).

It could well take some time for you to find yourself. I ended up travelling round the world, several years later, before I really felt truly comfortable with myself. But you sound like a good person, who just needs time and space to get over this. If you think how long you were together, of course it is going to take time. Be kind to yourself.

Did you get anywhere with booking the Freedom course?

Dearjackie · 06/09/2013 22:46

I think there may be some truth in him wanting me to feel insecure so he could manipulate me more easily especially where sex was concerned

I've no intention of finding another man yet. I have actually in a funny way enjoyed these last few weeks of freedom where he's not taking up my time and have been seeing friends more.

I did email somebody locally regarding the freedom program but haven't heard anything back. Must try again I think

I have been reading my thread back from the beginning and some of my older ones. I have already come a long way I believe. I remember the way I felt when writing them well but in a way it feels like a different person. Plus he sounds shockingly horrible

OP posts:
YoniBottsBumgina · 06/09/2013 22:57

It doesn't ever go away completely I don't think, in that you never really forget what it felt like to be in that kind of relationship and you will have certain trigger points where the fear and the reminder of the feeling will come back. But it does, absolutely, definitely, fade to a dull, most of the time forgotten about ache and when it does come up you will one day be able to say, nope, I know that is not right and be able to put it to one side and consciously carry on without regarding it.

I haven't posted on your thread before but I remembered your OP, I think I read it at the time but had to much going on for myself to be able to post. I just wanted to say that it does absolutely come down to a manageable level, and to just take things one day at a time and be kind. Be kind to yourself. It's such a strange time and a hard one, and a surprising mixture of so calm it's a blessed relief, and emotionally intense and all over the place. But at least the emotions are good and clean and healthy, just go with it. You will be fine, I promise you.

Dearjackie · 06/09/2013 23:09

Thank you yoni I hope you are ok now and sending you strength

OP posts:
TheTruffleHunter · 06/09/2013 23:09

Jackie he is being a total shit and you nailed it in your first post about a 'totally dysfunctional relationship'. And no, we don't usually get into an abusive relationship because of low self esteem, that tends to start trickling in as they push our boundaries of what's normal/acceptable.

Totally agree with the pp who said he's given you a get-out on a plate. Do grab it with both hands!

TheTruffleHunter · 06/09/2013 23:11

Bums, will now RTFT Blush

Dearjackie · 06/09/2013 23:16

truffle I certainly am grabbing it with both hands. There is no way I would go back now even if I had the option. It was all wrong, I can see that. Doesn't mean I don't have conflicting feelings about him though. I think when you believe you've been in love with someone for four years, it takes your brain a while to detatch and register who he really was. So I am very up and down still. Although I would say more up than down which is good

Yes you are correct as regards the self esteem. I believe I had a lot of self esteem when I met him but it has deminished because of him and the things I had drummed into my brain over the years

OP posts:
YoniBottsBumgina · 06/09/2013 23:19

I am okay :) It was four years ago for me now - my more recent stress was due to moving country(!!!) with my now-DP who could not be more different. Honestly I have done things I could never have dreamed of, and you will too :)

Dearjackie · 06/09/2013 23:22

Smile glad to hear it. Hopefully I will be able to say the same in the not too distant future

OP posts:
Jux · 07/09/2013 11:04

You will, my lovely, you will Thanks

Dearjackie · 07/09/2013 11:55
Smile
OP posts:
BerylStreep · 08/09/2013 22:25

Hey Jackie, here's to looking forward to a new week!

Dearjackie · 08/09/2013 22:31

Hello Beryl yes absolutely. A new week and a new mantra for me.
I read it the other day " learning to live, is learning to let go"

OP posts:
Scarletohello · 08/09/2013 22:40

Sorry have only read the first page. He sounds unreasonable, a bully, insensitive and mean spirited. You deserve better...

Dearjackie · 09/09/2013 19:20

Ok I'm getting really wobbly this evening. I'm having thoughts that maybe I've lost one of the best things that ever happened to me. Even as write that it sounds ridiculous given what I've written about him. With the distance that a bit of time apart gives I'm tending to remember the good things. I know I used to be generally distrustful and a bit demanding when it came to stbxw and it drove him nuts, and he said more than one I would drive him away and I'd lose the best thing that ever happened to me. Then again what about all the totally shit things he did to me Sad

OP posts:
Jux · 09/09/2013 19:51

He called himself the best thing that ever happened to you?

Well, there you are. Such arrogance. Quite in character. Re-read your threads, phone friends, have a luxurious bath, play some good music, eat something nice. Do your nails. Anything that occupies you.

You know he's a shit faced bastard. You know he is crap. You know he was no good for you.

Keep your chin up, lovey. You can do this.

Dearjackie · 09/09/2013 20:48

jux it's laughable when I think about it isn't it. It's just sometimes the words they say to you get burned onto your brain. This too will pass

OP posts:
Jux · 09/09/2013 22:14

Oh yes! Sometimes the MN mantras are the best thing.

Here, have Cake and Brew and try to sleep. Have sweet dreams.

Dearjackie · 09/09/2013 22:15

Very nice jux love cake Grin night night

OP posts:
Inertia · 09/09/2013 22:38

Jackie he had to tell you that he was the best thing that ever happened to you- because he had to convince you to put up with all the shit he dished out the rest of the time.

If he genuinely was a great catch he wouldn't have to persuade you- you'd know . His actions would have showed you.

Try and stay busy- do you have any more house related projects you could embark on? Voluntary work? For tonight, can you look on e.g Pinterest for decorating ideas? Anything you could do to help your daughter?

Inertia · 09/09/2013 22:39

Ooh cake- how about if you take up baking? That's hours of keeping busy time :)

Night night Jackie.

Dearjackie · 09/09/2013 22:42

Hi inertia yes I am keeping busy most of the time. I work 4 days a week and get quite tired and am seeing friends much more

It's just he made me feel I'm such a drag at times. You are right his actions definately didn't show me he was a great catch

OP posts:
Dearjackie · 09/09/2013 22:42

Baking I might just do that

OP posts:
Inertia · 09/09/2013 22:43

He wanted to make you feel like you were a drag- because you probably weren't doing what he wanted.

Glad you are getting to see more of your friends- I bet they are much more fun!

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