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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Massive row feel like I've been battered

453 replies

Dearjackie · 03/08/2013 20:05

I have written a few threads on here as I struggle with this relationship I'm in, or was in. I find it hard to explain how I feel and the hold he has had over me. Slowly the fog is lifting but I still feel there is some hold there and I don't know why and don't understand myself

I've had a horrible experience today and really need to talk but am to ashamed to speak to anyone in RL. Had a lovely day out with'DP' and when we visited his sister she asked what his stbxw was doing today. I know I can be touchy about this sometimes but it annoys me that she is always brought up and I said so to DP on the way home. BIG mistake! All I really wanted was for him to say he understands its annoying for me and maybe that he finds it a bit irritating too. But oh no a huge row starts and as always his way of trying to shut me up and shut the argument/ discussion down is to say " finish with me then". So sick of hearing this I said fine.

We got back to mine, he packed his stuff, some nasty things were said. I have paid a non returnable deposit £400 for a holiday and he had given me his share which I hadn't banked yet and he demanded it back. I had to give it as he was looking through my drawers. He starts to drive off but keeps coming in and put with various excuses. Then he phoned his sister in front of me on loudspeaker and told her all that had happened making himself the innocent party of course. I still feel in shock with it all. I've never had a row with anyone like that and to involve a third party like that I don't know what he's trying to do. I know it's a totally dysfunctional relationship. I feel emotionally battered and bruised yet numb at the same time. He keeps trying to phone but I won't answer. I'm a mess. Don't really know what I want people to say I just had to get it out.

OP posts:
Inertia · 13/08/2013 10:22

You could well be right about him having someone else lined up, his behaviour would fit right in with that. A horrible thing for him to do. It would explain why he has stayed away this time rather than crawling back. I guess it does give you space to move on without him pestering you.

You're also right to think that he'd never be happy whatever you did - men like this would find something to sneer at if they were in bed with Angelina Jolie. And you could never have been happy because he would always sabotage it.

Hope you have fun decorating - I am meant to be gardening but it looks like rain.

Original poster
Dearjackie · 13/08/2013 11:13

Yes well two failed marriages and a four year failed relationship and that's just the ones I know about, says something doesn't it? ( about him not me) Now where's that bloody paint keep putting it off, am getting hooked on MN. :)

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minkembernard · 13/08/2013 11:49

Jackie paint some rude words about him on the wall and then paint over them Grin

Original poster
Dearjackie · 13/08/2013 12:49

Haha just taken a break for lunch and seen your post mink excellent idea, very therapeutic :) ( how do you do the grin? )

OP posts:
minkembernard · 13/08/2013 19:42

Square bracket grin square bracket Grin

Original poster
Dearjackie · 13/08/2013 20:05

[:)]

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Original poster
Dearjackie · 13/08/2013 20:06

Haha no didn't work, silly me!

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Original poster
Dearjackie · 13/08/2013 20:06
Grin
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minkembernard · 13/08/2013 21:04

GrinThanks

Original poster
Dearjackie · 14/08/2013 08:08

Thank god I am going out with a friend today. I am exhausting myself, pushing myself at home to do all sorts in the house and not sleeping more than a few hours at night. It's been nearly 2 weeks now. The horrible feeling of shock has worn off and even the anger ( wish it hadn't) I just feel total disbelief and quite numb

I haven't had a lot of support in RL I have told a few people but I don't think their taking it seriously as it not the first time it's happened and they definately don't understand the dynamics of it all and how it makes you feel

I am sick to death of thinking about him tbh. I know I've just got to work through this but needed to have a vent

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marriednotdead · 14/08/2013 09:58

You can do this, I promise. Every day takes you a step further into the sunshine and away from his shadow.

I think I mentioned the narcissist/co-dependent thing before and it's good to read when you're having a wobble.

Believe it or not, I envy your current position. I wish my DH was gone, I don't want him here but neither of us has anywhere that we could easily go to so we remain under the same roof.

Our 'final straw for me' bust up was almost 2 weeks ago and he's chosen to ignore me and sleep on the couch ever since. I'm not anywhere near as bothered as he'd like me to be!

So I am working out how to get on with my life but struggling to do so properly. Your biggest hindrance has left Smile

Original poster
Dearjackie · 14/08/2013 10:22

I am COMPLETELY insane because I still think I love him! I must sit down and have a good look back at all my posts and that should kill that for a while.

Thanks marriednotdead will check the codependent thing when I get home later.

I hope things work out for you they drive you mad don't they, taking the huff and sulking. I think my problem now is I don't think I was ready for it to end especially in that way and so cruelly so I feel like the decision was taken out of my hands iykwim

OP posts:
minkembernard · 14/08/2013 11:20

Every day takes you a step further into the sunshine and away from his shadow.

how true, they cast a long shadow.

jackie you are not insane. you loved him before, why would you not love him now? there is a difference between loving someone and thinking it is good for you to be with that person. I still get frequent pangs of missing my ex. and sometimes I loathe him and sometimes, the best times I genuinely could not give a toss.

you don't have to get hung up on those feeling. they mean anything. you can feel them but not act on them.

minkembernard · 14/08/2013 11:24

they don't mean anything, even. by that I mean that just because you still have feelings for him does not mean you have to have him back or that you cannot cope without him or that you will never get over it.

You will. if you get the chance go back a few threads in the EA support thread and read some of the colincaterpillar posts. she really went through the mill trying to get over her ex and still has the odd day when the shadow passes over her but mostly now she has fab new life without him. it might help to see that you are not alone in experiencing these feelings.

Original poster
Dearjackie · 14/08/2013 17:08

Hi mink I am pretty sure I won't act on them, I haven't really thought about contacting him in fact I couldn't lower myself to do that after he way he's treated me. I guess I just don't even want to feel the feelings iyswim. I wan to be over him NOW, I don't want to go through this for that useless piece of shit that he is. I'm annoyed that I'm feeling like this he's not worthy of it.

Anyway rant over. You are right it does help,to know I'm not alone and that I will get there and I will have a look at colincaterpillar posts. Thanks for sticking with me it means a lot Thanks

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minkembernard · 14/08/2013 19:01

Jackie no problem.

I know exactly what you mean you want it to be over now. I have often thought exactly that. but you can't go round it you just have to go through it. I hope it will make us both stronger in the long run Thanks

Original poster
Dearjackie · 14/08/2013 21:40

No doubt we will be stronger in the long run mink I almost wish I had younger children then I wouldn't be alone in the house all the time, they would be a bit of a distraction. It's the evenings that are the worst, I'm tired so don't feel up to doing much but just gives me too much time to think

It helps to know that it does get easier. Must read the colincaterpillar posts

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minkembernard · 14/08/2013 21:54

you may have to go to the actual thread to find them as I cannot remember exact form of her nn if it was colincaterpillar or colincaterpillars. will be from around thread 18 or 19 I think.

Original poster
Dearjackie · 16/08/2013 23:45

Well it's 2 weeks tomorrow since he left. I still can't believe it, I still think about him constantly. I've had a bottle of wine tonight which isn't helping as I still feel like I love him now.

How can he switch off his love just like that? Or maybe he never did love me? I keep thinking he's with someone else. I sound so sad and pathetic and I hate myself for that as I've been quite strong till now

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Sallyingforth · 17/08/2013 14:53

Still lurking here Jackie.
There's no need to hate yourself - you have done nothing wrong. You've survived two weeks without him and you will survive many more.
Always remember, you've come out of this better than him. He's the one who has failed because he's lost you through his own foolishness and stupidity.

Original poster
Dearjackie · 17/08/2013 15:05

Hi sally am sober this morning so have been getting on with preparing for an interview next week

I don't know if its HIM I miss as such or the life I thought we were going to share together. Now I'm starting all over again just as I had to when my marriage broke up. I never thought I'd be starting all over again this time.

I am coming to terms with the fact that I did go on at him at times and I wasn't happy with the ex wife situation at all, maybe I'm too possessive I don't know. But that would never have changed and he clearly wasn't going to stick it out with me to make me his priority, therefore I would never have found happiness with him Sad

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Sallyingforth · 17/08/2013 16:59

So, you realised that he wasn't right for you, and you dropped him. That was the correct decision and really, you don't need to keep beating yourself up over it.
Now you have a new life opening up. Good luck with the interview!

waddlecakes · 17/08/2013 19:12

Jackie, having just spent 20 minutes reading this thread from start to finish, I don't think he sounds abusive at all. I think he sounds like an extremely difficult person you were in a very tempermental relationship with.

I've seen youve made quite a few posts lately exploring the idea of whether you were to blame - absolutely not. However, it is possible that your personality and his clashed. Maybe he wasnt sensitive enough for you and you found him cruel. Maybe you were too possessive and demanding for him, and he found it stressful.

Maybe at this stage it will be easier for you to think of it not as a horrible bastard man who has betrayed you, but as a man who has taken the decision to finally end something that seemed unbalanced, unhealthy and going nowhere. Now both of you are free to start building your future lives. Im telling you this because it might do you some good to feel like you have had power in this relationship, you have participated in it as much as he has. You seem insightful enough to have good judgment of yourself and his manipulations.

From what I can gather of your personality, I actually think it would be quite unhealthy for you to continue feeling as if this man has snatched away his love leaving you bereft and alone. Try and see it more as this was a man you had amazing chemistry with, but ultimately your personalities didnt fit together, and so after numerous rehearsals, finally the end of it has come.

There will be a man out there able to make you feel a lot happier, someone with whom you'll be able to build a secure, warm relationship. It wasn't him. And you will start to feel fine with that. For the time being, think that you have a grand child on the way, a divorce to sort out, you are definitely still young enough to start new things and meet new people. Take it slowly, and good luck. You seem to be managing very well so far.

Original poster
Dearjackie · 17/08/2013 19:45

Thank you for your post waddle there could be a massive dose of truth in what you have written. We just didn't fit together though we both kept trying and trying its very sad. I think if love was enough we would have stayed together, I always found it hard to accept he didn't love me it didn't quite fit that he didn't somehow, yet he could be so nasty. The explanation you have given seems to make sense

I hope I do find that certain someone eventually though I'm not sure I'll find that chemistry again

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waddlecakes · 17/08/2013 19:51

Of course you will Jackie, you definitely will.

Its also better for your confidence to believe the truth: that this man wasn't all bad. If you were to believe he was 100% bad, that would mean you've wasted your last 4 years on somebody worthless. But obviously you loved him, and he perhaps loved, or at the very least cared a great deal for you, otherwise he wouldn't have kept coming back. So you had a relationship that has been worthwhile since you have loved, and perhaps gave you what you needed, coming out of a divorce. But you've grown now and are ready to move forward, into something more equal. This is bound to happen. Focus on your grandchild and I strongly suggest you find one new thing to do whilst you heal the wounds from this relationship. Join a book club, or a writing club. Join something new - have you thought about that? It'll open a new friendship group to you, and give you some opportunity to eventually meet someone new.