Massive row feel like I've been battered

[Dearjackie]

I have written a few threads on here as I struggle with this relationship I'm in, or was in. I find it hard to explain how I feel and the hold he has had over me. Slowly the fog is lifting but I still feel there is some hold there and I don't know why and don't understand myself

I've had a horrible experience today and really need to talk but am to ashamed to speak to anyone in RL. Had a lovely day out with'DP' and when we visited his sister she asked what his stbxw was doing today. I know I can be touchy about this sometimes but it annoys me that she is always brought up and I said so to DP on the way home. BIG mistake! All I really wanted was for him to say he understands its annoying for me and maybe that he finds it a bit irritating too. But oh no a huge row starts and as always his way of trying to shut me up and shut the argument/ discussion down is to say " finish with me then". So sick of hearing this I said fine.

We got back to mine, he packed his stuff, some nasty things were said. I have paid a non returnable deposit £400 for a holiday and he had given me his share which I hadn't banked yet and he demanded it back. I had to give it as he was looking through my drawers. He starts to drive off but keeps coming in and put with various excuses. Then he phoned his sister in front of me on loudspeaker and told her all that had happened making himself the innocent party of course. I still feel in shock with it all. I've never had a row with anyone like that and to involve a third party like that I don't know what he's trying to do. I know it's a totally dysfunctional relationship. I feel emotionally battered and bruised yet numb at the same time. He keeps trying to phone but I won't answer. I'm a mess. Don't really know what I want people to say I just had to get it out.

Jackie,

having seen you on the other thread, I thought I would post here. There have been about 4 threads since your first one, and I just wanted to post how pleased I am to read your progress.

Yes, it's tough. Lots of us know, because we have been there, honestly! But in time, you will start to feel so much better, you may be starting to already!

I'm sorry that things ended the way they did - it must have been very traumatic (and he acted like a dick), but in a way, the extremeness of his behaviour perhaps did you a favour (in the long run, I'm sure you don't see it now) because otherwise you could have gone on for so long knowing that his treatment of you was really dysfunctional, yet not having the strength to actually do anything about it.

So much of how you describe your ex relationship reminds me of a guy I went out with - so turbulent - great, great times, but awful ones too. He had an ex wife, who I felt pretty insecure about - looking back, he clearly played one off against another and enjoyed creating a climate of jealousy and drama. In the end, I couldn't tell what was my fault or not, and I was exhausted from all the emotional drama. I wanted to understand it and try to fix it, but it was unfixable.

Fast forward about 16 years, and I am able to see it in a dispassionate way (I'm not saying to has taken the full 16 years, that's just how long ago it was). Have been with DH now for the last 12 years, and yes, we have our minor spats, but it is for the most part a warm and loving relationship - so different.

You will get past this. Well done so far.

Adding my support to everyone else's.

Re the passport. They're recorded delivery and you will have to sign for it. It I were you I would not. I would tell the postie that he no longer lived there and you are not in contact. if you kmow his new address, you can give it.

If you did sign for it, and then send it on second class - or first, for that matter - and it got lost, you may be held responsible. It woild be impossible to prove that you didn't still have it. They are legal documents. Let the postman deal with it.

Also, I love eating alone. i take a book with me, and read throughout my meal. Same with travelling anywhere. I also have a notebook and a pen with me. When I was studying (with the OU), I would sometimes go off just for a coffe, taking my books with me, sitting alone, studying, making otes etc, and watching the world go by. Very yherapeutic.

Thank you for your support beryl and jux and for all the fabulous support I have had on here, it has truly helped me. I knew the relationship was wrong but for some reason couldn't find a way out, thought I loved him ect and in a way I did. So although his behaviour was vile and extreme in the end it has helped me to see it how it really is.

As regards the passport, it has arrived and I didn't need to sign for it so I should be ok to just post it on. What do you think?

I don't want any more contact with him so don't want him chasing me for it

I am surprised it didn't need signing for - my DH got a new passport last month, and not only did I need to sign for it I had to show ID for both me and for DH.

If you do send it on 2nd class, make sure you get a receipt for posting from the Post Office. Why did he get it sent to your house anyway?

Yes, I'd do what Beryl said. Get a receipt for it so you can prove you sent it.

My gut feeling re the passport, what with it being an important legal document and all, is to hand it into the local police station and get him to collect it from there. No way anyone can accuse you of not oassing it on then!

The postman just posted it through the door. Not sure why my address was on it, probably because he put my house as the address he lives at, he is in temporary accomodation and we were planning to live together here in the near future.

If I take it to the post office and get a receipt that should be ok shouldn't it?

Am missing him this evening damn!!

You could ask at the PO what they recommend, but I'm pretty sure it'll be recorded delivery, which will cost. Alternatively, call 101 and ask for advice. If you tell them what it is and that you can't see him again, due to emotional abuse, they might be able to suggest the best way to get it to him.

Of course, the other is option is to simply put it back in the post with 'not this address' on it

Help I need some further support. Been really strong until now. He text today to ask if his mail had arrived. It hurt to look at the stark text no love no kisses just cold and not what I was used to from him. I don't know why it hurt me as I know it's over

I just feel like he's dropped me from a great height so suddenly and it appears he has already got over me and the last 4 yrs. it feels like I've just been discarded. Once quite a long time ago when I was feeling insecure I remember asking him if he still wanted to be with me and he replied " if I didn't want to be with you, you'd soon know about it. I'd drop you like a ton of bricks" I half laughed thinking he was reassuring me and lightening the mood but it seems he has done just that!!

I hate feeling this way because I know the relationship was no good so I can't understand it. I keep thinking he must have got someone else.

Support at hand Jackie!
His action is just another part of the EA. He wants you to miss him. He wants you to feel bad without him.
Don't worry whether he has got someone else or not, except to feel sorry for her because she who will be treated the same way as you and his previous partners.
You are better off without him. And deep down you know that.

Oh Jackie you are doing so well, stay strong !

You don't have to reply to his text asking whether his mail has arrived - he's now relegating you to the status of a PO box, because a secretary would expect basic conversational pleasantries. I would block his messages if that's at all possible.

Re the passport - can you contact the issuing passport office and explain that you have received a passport for somebody who no longer lives there and you have no contact details , how do you go about returning it ? ( Do you know fpr sure that it is the passport btw ?)

If he does have someone else your pain is understandable. But it means that a) he is someone else's problem and b) he isn't hassling you. Be kins to yourself.

Kind !

Just mark the envelope Gone Away and put it in the post box. It's not your problem any more.

I would be inclined to just text back that you will post it on to him.

No further discussion. Then stick a 2nd class stamp on it, and get a receipt from the post office.

Done and dealt with.

You are doing really well.

Well am home from work have a terrible headache today but I'm still not sleeping well. Passport has been posted so that's it then the close of 4 yrs.

I a really don't know where to start making some sort of social life for myself. I have to do it as its the only way I'm going to get over this. I think I've spent so much time with him, all my friends are married so we don't meet all that much. I live in a tiny town which has very little going on.

I'm not ready to meet another man actually the way I feel at the moment I'm scared I will always compare any man to him. I know that sounds ridiculous as really any man should compare favourably to him but I think I mean in terms of how attracted to them I am not what their character is like

How on earth do you find somebody you feel attracted to! I think I may have an issue in that I only seem to be physically attracted to men who don't treat me that well. What do I do? Any thoughts?

I think you do the Freedom Programme.

jux thanks I have just emailed a link in my local area for information about the course

Hi all

Just an update and a bit of encouragement needed please. Well it's been almost 5 weeks now. I have had no contact with him at all. I am trying hard to make a life for myself and get used to being on my own again. Have had several evenings out with friends, joined a gym and am keeping busy.

It's just sometimes it really hurts badly out of the blue. The way he let me down massively I still can't quite get my head round it at times. I feel like I've literally been stabbed at times. Also I found myself sobbing the other night when I suddenly realised I will NEVER see him again after seeing him almost every day for 3 years. I think I just feel I've got no choice, I COULD never see him again even if he came begging because of the way he let me down. It's like a grieving process. Help, hand holding welcome

Anyone?

Oh love, sorry I missed your post last week - we were away.

You are grieving. This is a hard time, but believe me it will get easier. Be strong, cry when you want to, and then look forward again.

You are doing the right things though, gym, seeing friends. Now's the time to look at doing new things, like evening classes or a new hobby.

As time goes by, you will be thinking of him less and less, and feeling happier more and more.

Chin up, love.

Hi Jackie, de-lurking to say that I have no words of wisdom but can offer a hand on a shitty evening. Sorry you are feeling this way and I can totally relate to the sudden 'guerilla' type feelings of grief that pop up at unexpected intervals. Watch something funny on TV/YouTube, don't allow yourself to be bowled over by this. It is normal and will pass in a bit. xx

Definite hand holding from me. It is a grieving process. It takes time to get used to your new normal. Its great that you are keeping busy but there will always be quiet times when you have more time to feel your emotions. I think these times are necessary to the process, but not the easiest to deal with

Thing is he is in my head almost every minute of every day, even though I know there is no way back from what's happened ( not that I want that)

It's the finality of it that's really hit me I think. Because he had left a few times before either for a few hours, days or at the most a week, it's made this more shocking that its final

I'm tired of thinking of him. When we were together I believe he actually "trained" me to think of him all the time. Phoning without fail for 3 years first thing in the morning and last thing at night, as well as during the day. It was all consuming, hence the big gap now

That sounds appalling, and yes, it is training in one form or another. My MIL used to do something similar, but her persona was that of a slightly dotty old lady who wouldn't say boo to a goose. The criticisms were veiled but constant, for years, until we moved. Whether she was at our house or not (and she was always dropping in, even if she'd phoned first and I'd said no) she was sitting on my shoulder saying "not like that", "oh how strange to do that", "oh" in that horribly p-a you're-wrong-but-I'm-far-too-nice-to-say-so way of hers. We moved 150 miles away, and she was still on my shoulder reminding me I was just not good enough. It took a fair while to get her gone from my head; I'd had over 8 years of her up to 5 times a week though.

The effect fades, it really does. I am a huge advocate of studying something when in need of keeping your mind off stuff. I know it's not everyone's cup of tea, but learning something new - not necessarily academic - is brilliant for getting over emotional upheaval, and also helps you meet new people, some of whom may even become good friends.

And Jackie, when you think about it, he has probably subtly removed you from a lot of your friends and family in that period.

You are doing really well - baby steps. Him leaving was the start of the process, not the end. When you look back at your previous posts and threads, he really was horribly abusive to you, however even with that, I agree that there is a grieving process for what you had hoped to be, and dealing with what seems an empty void can seem daunting.

I do also feel that it must seem as if all control was taken away from you, because in the end it was him who left after the big row, rather than you telling him to leave. But you have to realise he deliberately engineered that situation so that he could flounce and try to score the point 'I dumped you, not the other way round'.

This is the perfect time to start an evening class. Curtains and soft furnishings are my thing, but there is so much you could do.