Massive row feel like I've been battered

[Dearjackie]

I have written a few threads on here as I struggle with this relationship I'm in, or was in. I find it hard to explain how I feel and the hold he has had over me. Slowly the fog is lifting but I still feel there is some hold there and I don't know why and don't understand myself

I've had a horrible experience today and really need to talk but am to ashamed to speak to anyone in RL. Had a lovely day out with'DP' and when we visited his sister she asked what his stbxw was doing today. I know I can be touchy about this sometimes but it annoys me that she is always brought up and I said so to DP on the way home. BIG mistake! All I really wanted was for him to say he understands its annoying for me and maybe that he finds it a bit irritating too. But oh no a huge row starts and as always his way of trying to shut me up and shut the argument/ discussion down is to say " finish with me then". So sick of hearing this I said fine.

We got back to mine, he packed his stuff, some nasty things were said. I have paid a non returnable deposit £400 for a holiday and he had given me his share which I hadn't banked yet and he demanded it back. I had to give it as he was looking through my drawers. He starts to drive off but keeps coming in and put with various excuses. Then he phoned his sister in front of me on loudspeaker and told her all that had happened making himself the innocent party of course. I still feel in shock with it all. I've never had a row with anyone like that and to involve a third party like that I don't know what he's trying to do. I know it's a totally dysfunctional relationship. I feel emotionally battered and bruised yet numb at the same time. He keeps trying to phone but I won't answer. I'm a mess. Don't really know what I want people to say I just had to get it out.

Hello mink I am relaxing watching tv now. Tomorrow will get bottle wine to have a glass tomorrow evening. I took you up on your suggestion about buying some flowers for myself which I did today.

I just wish I could fast forward a few months but I know I just need to be patient and work through this. X

Ooh, wine. STBXH has gone away for one night and left an opened bottle behind. I don't normally, but it would be wasteful not to this time, wouldn't it? :o

Anything good on TV?

Yep it would definately be wasteful not to :) have a glass for me won't you! Cheers

I'm watching a really old Catherine Cookson drama not usually my thing but am actually enjoying it tonight

Jackie I haven't posted for a few days but have been reading and feeling for you. You are going to get through those few months, and you are going to be so proud of yourself for having done it. Enjoy the flowers and wine!

Thank you sallyin it gives me strength to know people are there for me. It is truly helping me

Hi Jackie, sorry the holiday didn't work out but well done on drawing a line under it.

Could you perhaps plan to spend your week off having a clear out and rearranging things around the house to make it just as you want it ? Maybe even buy new bedding if funds will stretch ? You'll feel better for clearing Ex out of your home, and it'll keep you busy.

Eveninginertia I have decided to spend the week I should have gone on holiday at my sisters with my mum also. Now I've actually taken a decision over it I feel better

Am off work this week on leave also and will be doing a spot of decorating and also have arranged a couple of days out with friends.

Sounds perfect Jackie - hope you have a lovely time with your family and friends :)

Right I'm most defiantly having a weak moment this morning. Today is the day he should be getting a promotion he's worked towards for the last 2 years and it was the first thing I thought of when I woke, I am not there to share to it! It's like I was around for the hard times but not the good. Makes me sad

Also, and I hate admitting this because I don't want to get into thinking its my fault this happened again. But I think I wore him down with my negativity sometimes. I have read another post on here ' DP seems to have a grudge against the world' whilst I wouldn't say that of myself I did recognise aspects of myself in that post

He often used to say I always saw the negative side of things and he could never make me happy. Not true really because I told him I was happy, maybe he could see something I couldn't. Oh help

Jackie I think sometimes you have to look at it this way, even if you were to blame for some of itt which I doubt, that still means you should not be together.

My x used to come back at me with a hundred things I had supposedly done i didn't love him enough, i did not say thank you enough ( for the very few things which he did), etc. and i just used to reply if that is true why do you want to be here.

whatever the reasons it is over and it is better that way.

Also look again at the links at the top of the ea thread or read someposts see ifyou recognise him in there. i think it is hard to recognise ea until you realise how common it is and how similar the behaviour if the perpetrators is.

The more you look the more clearly you see it. it is not a nice thing to see everywhere. but you need to see it very clearly so you can recognise it in your past and avoid it in your future.

I think the key thing about the incident that lead to your split is that he was trying to close down your voice. he was trying to make it impossible for you to argue by making the stakes very high. that is control..were you trying to control him? Were you intimidating him? Was he scared of you? I doubt it.

Jackie, I have been lurking since the start of the thread. I am so glad you have had the strength to do this.
Re the negativity, have you considered that his treatment of you would make anyone negative? In a relationship, people respond to one another - hence the expressions 'they bring out the best / worst in each other. Don't bring yourself down. He has done enough of that for both of you.
I would refuse delivery of the passport I am afraid and let him sort his own mess out. He has no consideration for you, removed the last elements of his control of you.
You are better than this, and things will keep getting better. Travel agent behaviour is a bit mean, I think you got a jobs worth :(
Raise a glass to a better future

Yes I suppose he did bring out the worst in me or at least made me think the worst most of the time. He was very unkind at times, often when I needed him most. Your right he showed me no consideration whatsoever yet kept banging on about how he always put me first

With regards to the passport I have a feeling that he will have contacted the passport office knowing him so it won't come here anyway

Very true. my ex said i was hostile. he was right i was often hostile. because i knew at so.e point i was going to come under attack and i also knew i was being treated unfairly. i was righteously pissed off.

He did a lot for me but somehow I couldn't shake the feeling that there was always an ulterior motive. For example cooking dinner when I'd been at work all day and telling me to go for a lie down when I was tired, doing jobs in my house. I thought a lot of it was so I wouldn't be too tired for sex. I'm just horrible aren't I? Now it does sound like he couldn't do anything right

I'm just horrible aren't I?
No you bloody well aren't.
You are suffering from living too long with a selfish bully.
You nothing to reproach yourself about.

Thank you sally :) just having a doubtful moment ( or ten) but always the lovely wise people on here pull me back

Well I have managed only 5 hrs sleep again. I've been surviving on this for 10 days now. Not too bad this week whilst I'm on leave but will be difficult when I go back to work. Yesterday evening I missed him dreadfully am hoping its just another passing emotion I am going through

I had to sit and actively remember how uncomfortable it was with him here most of the time. I am on my own the vast majority of the time, so I have nothing to distract me. I will have to work hard at creating a social life for myself because I was always with him. I'm lucky in that I do enjoy my own company just not ALL the time.

It's really vile feeling like this isn't it? I am afraid that being in my late forties this will be my life forever now. He never failed to remind me I was a few years older than him! And even said as he was walking out the door " you need an old fart as a boyfriend"

He has wreaked any self esteem I had. Because of my health conditions at times I can't walk that far and I get very tired. In arguments he always said " I have to put up with your illness on a daily basis"

I just woke today thinking of this and needed to write it down. I just feel nobody will put up with me or want me. Not that I want anyone now but may feel I do in the future

Hi Jackie, sympathies on the lack of sleep. Am also feeling tired this morning - been up most of the night with vomiting dc.

Your ex is deliberately saying things to hurt you - it doesn't mean there is any truth in anyq of it, he is just trying to cause you maximum pain. Is it actually him you miss, or company ? Could you perhaps consider a couple of evening classes to keep you busy and stop you thinking about Ex ?

inertia thinking about it I'm not sure it is actually him I miss because I was never 100% relaxed. Maybe it's just breaking a habit and like any habit you miss it at first. I will look into evening classes, its actually a good time of year because they start sept/ oct

Hope your DC is better today

She seems to be on the mend thanks. Just waiting to see whether dc1 and I have managed to avoid the bug !

To be honest it does sound as though your ex spent a lot of time behaving horribly towards you , which might be why the few nice things he did stand out more - in happier relationships the helpful kind interactions are part of the everyday fabric of the relationship, rather than being so unusual that they are obvious . It is possible to have the calm happy times without the abuse and grief ( but not with this man).

I think he was probably either cheating on me or had someone lined up to move on to. I just can't imagine him going without sex he was totally sex mad. However he had begun to make remarks such as it had become predictable, he always knew the routine, he even said that's why people cheat! Then was very apologetic and reassuring but the doubt was in my mind. He also dropped a comment saying he was an addict, when I asked what he meant he said a sex addict.

I think after 4 yrs he was bored, I don't think he'll EVER find someone to satisfy him. Not my problem though is it

I have a spot of decorating to do today so must get started. Fingers crossed you don't catch the tummy bug

Enjoy the decorating. helps i think to get something done.
undermining your sense if self and making you feel lucky they put up with you when actually it is you putting up with them is par gore the course with abusers.

He Will end up a lonely old wanker. Literally.

I have been on internet dating since i split from my ex and i do just fine plenty on interest and amusing chat. Not really ready for anything serious but it is nice to know the opportunity is there. and had a few snogs.

Really when you hear his voice in your head just tell him to feck off. who gives a toss what he thinks. you need to reclaim your thoughts.

It is quite possible he did engineer that fight because he had lived someone else up. if so, that reflects on him not you. he is not a sex addict. he just thinks get is entitled to demand sex whenever he likes and wanted you to believe that for his convenience.

horrid horrid excuse for a man.

But yy do get out. socialize. make your own life.

And re. sleeping. i listen to the radio very quietly on r4 if i wake up during the night. or the podcasts. it stops my mind turning over too much. might be worth a try.

Lined someone else up....sorry my phone , Bernard as we call him has a talent all of his own for gaslighting and like my x likes to put words in my mouth!

Oh my god mink you see right through him don't you. Everything you just said makes sense and has made me laugh ( lonely old wanker literally!) :))

Thank you, you have definately cheered me and made me stop doubting myself for the time being and I'm sure that will last longer and longer each time :)