Massive row feel like I've been battered

[Dearjackie]

I have written a few threads on here as I struggle with this relationship I'm in, or was in. I find it hard to explain how I feel and the hold he has had over me. Slowly the fog is lifting but I still feel there is some hold there and I don't know why and don't understand myself

I've had a horrible experience today and really need to talk but am to ashamed to speak to anyone in RL. Had a lovely day out with'DP' and when we visited his sister she asked what his stbxw was doing today. I know I can be touchy about this sometimes but it annoys me that she is always brought up and I said so to DP on the way home. BIG mistake! All I really wanted was for him to say he understands its annoying for me and maybe that he finds it a bit irritating too. But oh no a huge row starts and as always his way of trying to shut me up and shut the argument/ discussion down is to say " finish with me then". So sick of hearing this I said fine.

We got back to mine, he packed his stuff, some nasty things were said. I have paid a non returnable deposit £400 for a holiday and he had given me his share which I hadn't banked yet and he demanded it back. I had to give it as he was looking through my drawers. He starts to drive off but keeps coming in and put with various excuses. Then he phoned his sister in front of me on loudspeaker and told her all that had happened making himself the innocent party of course. I still feel in shock with it all. I've never had a row with anyone like that and to involve a third party like that I don't know what he's trying to do. I know it's a totally dysfunctional relationship. I feel emotionally battered and bruised yet numb at the same time. He keeps trying to phone but I won't answer. I'm a mess. Don't really know what I want people to say I just had to get it out.

[MissStrawberry]

You have to stop taking this idiot back. You will manage without him as he isn't the one providing you with oxygen. He brings nothing to your life but drama.

[Dearjackie]

I don't want to sound pathetic but please can someone spell put to me what they think was wrong in what happened today. Just so I can read it digest it and let it sink in, because I've lost all perspective of what's normal

[Hassled]

You've been together 4 years and she's not even the XW yet - she's still the Soon to Be XW? No wonder it's a sore point with you - why hasn't he divorced her in the last 4 years?

He sounds like a shit and you're well out of it. I know it will be a long while before you're able to see it like that, but you will, I promise. And in the meantime you'll manage - you'll get support here, and if you can get through just one awful day the next one will seem more copeable with.

[RunningInFlipflops]

His sister shouldn't have mentioned his ex in front of you, she was so obviously stirring! I would have been pissed off too, and definitely would have mentioned it. You have done nothing wrong op, stay strong- he is the one at fault!

[Dearjackie]

miss strawberry he creates the drama always. Usually out of the smallest misdemeanour on my part

[SlimePrincess]

It sounds like Stockholm syndrome.

[Dearjackie]

running I'm never allowed to mention if I'm pissed off with anything his family may do especially if its to do with the wife.

[Dearjackie]

Thank you for your support I really need it. I just hope you don't get fed up of me coming back because I think this is going to be rough

[MissStrawberry]

He may create the drama but he has an audience doesn't he? You are wasting your life in this "relationship."

[GilmoursPillow]

Keep coming back OP, many people are here to help you and see you through the next days, weeks, months.

[PatriciaHolm]

What was wrong today? he was.

He totally over reacted. He was abusive to you, both in arguing endlessly and then calling his sis. Normal, well-adjusted individuals do not shout at their partners over a mild remark such as you made, they don't go through drawers for money and they don't call up others to make their partner feel small. He doesn't care about you, he cares about himself and about Being Right. Because according to him, He Is Always Right, and you - you are Always Wrong.

you are well rid, though i appreciate it probably doesn't feel like it yet. I know its a cliche but have you had a cup of hot tea or something? You've had a big shock and you need to bring yourself down a bit.

[RunningInFlipflops]

Jackie I've just asked my dp and he agrees with me- you should be able to discuss anything with a loving partner that makes you feel uncomfortable. You shouldn't have to worry about being verbally attacked! Don't doubt yourself no matter what he says.

[SlimePrincess]

Here's what I think was wrong about what happened today;

• his sister was being a shit stirring bitch. You expressed that you were uncomfortable and he starting being abusive to you and miminimizing your feelings.
  
• he then humiliated you in front of his sister.
  
• then he created a big drama llama scene to make you feel terrified of losing him to try and get you to fall back into line. When he was making excuses to come in and out he was after you falling at his feet and begging him to stay.

[SlimePrincess]

Basically he was showing you who he is (a manipulative, abusive, manchild, cocklodger).

[LiveItUp]

You sound so shocked, and I'm not surprised. You have clearly been in an abusive relationship.

Regards the money, you have not lost £400, you have gained your freedom. Although, on a money note, if you paid £400 and he paid you his share, presumably he only took back his £200. And if you haven't paid the balance, you have probably come out of it better off even if you don't now go away with someone else.

Don't answer his calls. It is not a good way to live. Don't be scared of a life without him. Daunting although it seems at the moment, it will get easier and you will soon realise what a lucky escape you have had.

[alwaysinamuckingfuddle]

He left? You are the luckiest person in the world today!!!

The bloke is a twat.

Do.not.look.back...

[Dearjackie]

After he had packed the stuff and taken the money and told me to get it back off my ex husband in my divorce!!? I snapped and pushed him in the back and told him to get out of my house for good and not come back.

He then came back in with his sister on the phone telling her all our business half of which was totally exaggerated. Then he began saying to her how he'd moved away from his kids and friends ect to be with me and his sister was getting upset and apologising to HIM, not sure if it was for what she'd said or whether it was said innocently. I just don't know. And I don't understand the purpose of him ringing her like that. She ended up crying and he's was apologising for upsetting her. It was horrible and like I'm the bad person

[Lottapianos]

Yes, he's emotionally abusive. Please don't worry about feeling messed up and confused, it's perfectly normal after being treated like this. Please stay far away from him - don't answer his calls. It's classic abuser nonsense - storming out, making you feel like the worst person that ever lived, then calling you up for more abuse. By tomorrow he'll probably be begging you to take him back.

You don't need this control freak in your life. As the old MN saying goes, when someone shows you or tells you who they are, listen to them!

Please keep posting OP - lots of hand holding on offer

[Dearjackie]

No I paid the £400 and I hadn't banked his so he's taken it all. I won't get the £400 back and he said he doesn't care

[Dearjackie]

He doesn't give a shit does he? When he was packing today I said I didn't think he could ever have really loved me to behave like this and he said " oh here we go again you always say that" but surely to god you don't treat people you love like that

[Lottapianos]

Honestly OP - I know how utterly gutting it is to let that money go, but it's not worth holding onto any kind of contact with this man. You've told him you can't afford to lose it and he's told you he doesn't care. He doesn't care about you at all You don't deserve this.

[Lottapianos]

You're right! You absolutely do not treat people you love like this. This is not love - it's control and abuse and utter hell for you. Be very clear about that.

[Dearjackie]

This is why I'm so confused because he behaves like this and yet most of the time he seems to care about me. God what is he about? I don't understand anymore. He has done some truly cruel things in the past as well. Why such a jeckell and Hyde?

[MissStrawberry]

No, you don't but neither do you allow yourself to be treated like shit over and over again if you loved yourself.

[waltermittymissus]

but surely to god you don't treat people you love like that

And there you have it. Abusers have a very skewed view of what it is to love someone.

He's a prick. His sister possibly could have been making innocent chit chat but, from experience with dh's arsehole family, it was said to shit stir.

Do you want to spend your whole life like this?

He's given you a way out on a platter. PLEASE take it.