Is valentines day making anyone miserable :(

[Festivefly]

I know i know i shouldn't even be going there but this week is making me really depressed. I can't get the thought of my x and his new love having a fantastic first valentines day. He was so great on valentines day and it is making me sick thinking of them having a wonderful night and then making love. Why do these horrible thoughts come to you. I am so jealous i hate her (and him)

You are much wiser than your years
I know i have to sort this out sooner rather than later, and look forward to the day when i'm ME again and not someone trying to be happy and please everyone else. Who knows, maybe this time next year i'll be on my own but happy too.

nut - having just been through it, I know how all the advice seems good but is impossible to take, but that's because once you've come out of a bad situation you can look back and see it clearly and see what you've got to look forward to and it all seems so simple. I'm making it sound like my life is perfect, and it definitely isn't, but I can't believe that it took me so long to realise that I shouldn't be with dh, when now it seems so obvious, right and easy.

...and what you said in your last post really touched a cord with me. I used to write letters to Dh because I was so desperate for him to understand me but I couldn't talk to him, and in many of them I said I needed to be the real me and I couldn't with him. But as soon as I was out of the relationship, I immediately felt like I was becoming me again overnight.

Thanx for taking the time to give me some advice. I have asked for advice on this subject before but thought people would get fed up with me asking and then not doing what they advised so i stopped posting about it.
At least i know that when i do eventually find the courage to do it that i will have mn to help me.

nut - any time you come on MN there'll be people here to help you. I don't know if they're still around but if you look at my posts from last September onwards, I'm amazed MN'ers didn't get sick of me. I couldn't see what to do even though it was obvious, and just tried to carry on, even though I couldn't. I came on here really desperate at least 3 times and no-one got sick of me or tired that I'd posted before, everyone just tried to help. In the end, that's what got me through it and you can get through it to. I don't know if it helps you but part of the reason I left was to prove to myself whether I wanted to be with him and now it seems blindingly obvious that I shouldn't have worried, he never deserved me.

I wish i could have such a positive outlook on life and opinion of my self.

nut - this is honestly only what I've become like since leaving dh. Everyone says that I'm almost a different person now. All the time I was with DH I was always depressed and couldn't see the way out of anything. I can just see everything so clearly now and it's such a difference. In my old posts I sounded so scared and pathetic, I can't believe so much as changed in a couple of months. Don't want to make it sound all rosy, but I just can't believe the difference. Even when I left, I had no idea I'd feel like that. I thought I'd still just feel like nothing was worth it anymore.

hope you're ok. Will have to go for half an hour to feed dd and put her down but will be back. Also, if you want to chat, please email me via the contact a talker thing, would be happy to talk whenever you need to, give advice or just be there.

Cheers Wobblyknicks. Am going for a hot bath now as i have bad back ache.

ok nut. Just letting you know I'm back now if wanted!

yes

Thanks Wobbly and eidsvold i hope i get to feel like you wobbly its inspiring. Eidsvold i'd love to move to the other side of the world, what a fantastic solution

sounds like a fantastic solution but it was very hard at first moving from Aus to the UK knowing no one. Luckily I had a job..... I never in my widlest dreams expected to be returning to Aus four years later with child and husband in tow.

It really does get better - just a little each day. The other thing that made me feel good was that for the ex-best friend - if he cheated on me- there is the possibility that he would do it again.... I don't have to live with that worry.

Sadly - as you said your deepest fear - about him not realising what he has done- it seems he has a lot of growing up to do before he gets to that point and sadly - some people never get to that point - being responsible for their own actions.

As to his comment about change the unlovable - that is a statement from someone who has no idea. Obviously to him ( the perfect lovable person .. imagine sarcastic tome)that is a simple solution - you change cause that again means he does not have to face that he has done something wrong and accept the consequences for his actions...... as with my exdh - it was all my fault he had an affair the whole time we were married and ran of with ex best friend - probably still is 12 years later ( still my fault that is). When I looked back on it - I realised he was like that - everything was always someone else's fault - then I looked further and his father was like that - it was always someone else's fault..... never ever were they in the wrong or had they caused anything. I am just so glad I am ou of that situation.

I want to wish you well and say you are very brave. It really does get a little better each day.... you are a strong woman who is making a difference in your children's lives.

To be honest - I would not waste any more energy on him and the little girly. Focus on your kids and yourself - a much better use of your time and energy. ( although - i appreciate- for you this is much easier said than done at this point in time)

But remember - you are woman and you have the power - that is why ex and girly are behaving like that. If they too had moved on then the focus for ex would be on his children and not you.

Hope you are enjoying those flowers.....

Sorry to ramble on - will stop now.

Thanks Eidsvold, it is difficult but you and others help me have hope so thanks again. The man has always blamed everyone for his problems, always, the kind of man that punches someone and says they were asking for it. As for his father well yes it all stems from there, and mother. Next time i will be taking a closer look at the parents. If the dad looks and behaves like Begbie again, i will run a mile.
It just amazes me that all this still hurts. My brain is telling me why it shouldn't, but i still think about them far too much. I'm really trying to stop but it's there with me constantly. I don't know what shes got that i haven't. A part of me also doesn't want the blaame for all of this, i adored that man and now he tells me how terrible i was. I have been replaced with somone better. That is a horrible blow to all that i am.
I am really pleased everything worked out for you Eidsvold, happy endings can happen
All i can say is i make an effort everyday to concentrate on my boys and i, but i'm really trying to train my brain to stop thinking about it all. I do well for a couple of weeks, then i have a terrible week. I just can't keep the positivity up, and sink for a bit. Its lonely sometimes, even though i have friends and family. I just wish he was here sharing the special moments with our children.

ff - you're one of the reasons I feel like this now! All the advice and support I got from you (and other MN'ers, not trying to leave anyone out!) is what pushed me to make the right decision and get my head sorted. In the back of my mind I think I'd already worked it out over the years, but admitting it was the final step. Now that things are clear in my head, everything seems better. It's not that my life has suddenly become great (watch out, I'll be back on here in a week moaning!), I've just got a lot of things into perspective.

FF, I know things seem bad sometimes but they will change, and things will get better. It's hard to put it down in words without it seeming like just words but when you know what you want and go for it, it will happen in the end.

ff - he is missing out on the amazing moments with your boys... his loss.... you will have fabulous memories with your ds's. What has she got that you haven't

• a man that will blame her when it all goes pear shaped
• a man who will tell her to change the unlovable things about her
• a man who thinks it is okay to wear a badge that says 'my dick hurts'
• a man that walked away from his kids
• someone who is immature enough to throw a tantrum when he does not get his own way...

what have you got

• boys who are gorgeous
• a friend who thought of you and sent you fabulous flowers on valentines day
• look how far you've come already....

you really will find that it becomes easier - just a little bit with each day that passes... it will take less effort not to think of them

It is also okay to be angry and upset - you have to pass through the grieving process .... just don't get too stuck there.

ff - neither of them have got anything you want or need. You're a lovely person, with lovely kids and a great future to look forward to. One less than perfect Valentine's Day doesn't change that. My day yesterday was exactly like any other (apart from the fact I bought myself flowers - how sad!!), but I'm just glad I can be doing what I want to do. There's many more people who look like they're having the perfect relationship but are really unhappy.

Thanks you two, you are lovely
I have got a lot i know, i got a beautiful bracelet off my family yesterday too, and a card off a very sweet mumsnetter(i'm still trying to work out who). My children are angels, eat well, sleep well, kind caring thoughtful............
I am blessed, just sink sometimes. Thank god for mumsnet when i do.
Wobbly knicks you are doing fab really proud of you
Thanks again Eidsvold for a reminder of that badge, its a visual aid.

I think you should buy yourself one just like it and put it somewhere you can look at it when you start getting a bit down

You can't be happy all the time (unless you've found some magic new pills!) so there will be loads of times you'll feel down - especially on marketing propaganda days like yesterday! But if I had to choose between your life and the life your ex's 'new love' will have, I wouldn't even have to think about it. (would choose yours btw!)

I know this is going to sound like American self-help book trash, but I'm not that good with words, but don't think about whether you've got a man or not (buy a pair of sweaty socks and a pastry brush and you'll never need one!) - just think about what you're worth.

I am up again, cheers, i have to go shopping then for a Sh@te badge, sweaty socks, and a pastry brush (EH?)

Oh and nice to see you around again Wobbly

thanks ff - its good to be around!!

The pastry brush is only if you want kids, so you probably don't want one. But get the badge and the sweaty socks and they'll remind you what you're NOT missing!

I gave dh his cling film and guess what? He gave me the huge bottle of Baileys that he'd bought me and a card! Ooops! Do I feel bad now!

ooops