The Dating Thread - episode 60

[Djangounhinged]

If I may?

notyesterday This isn't easy as it's obviously very personal and particular to me and therefore can't be representative in any way. In short, I'm just looking for some evidence we might get on.

I find evidence of intelligence and being articulate highly appealing in a profile. Any woman who's avoided the "walk on the beach/DVD/Wine etc" cliches is a plus especially as I live about as far from the sea as you can in this country. Similarly - soul mate, knight in shining armour and so on are not especially inviting (albeit I understand they are honestly expressed).

I don't consider myself a sporty alpha male type, so any evidence that's what's required will put me off.

There's quite a list of stuff that would put me off but it's highly personal and not necessarily reasonable (!) - for example I don't like tattoos (on anyone) so a picture with a huge visible one is likely to put me off. You may sense I'm highly reluctant to elaborate - because expressing a preference can very soon start to sound judgemental, and I'm proud of my efforts not to be that.

Moon The lateness thing would do it for me - not saying I'm never late, but it's rare and I will always text/phone. I know people are different but it just doesn't suit me (I wasn't always like this, but I am now).

"as I've sat nursing a vodka and tonic with a succession of Level Twos."

genius line Nora!

Dang Sorry Moon=Moan of course

Moan I think there's no "right or wrong" answer, just gotta feel your way through things?

have you mentioned it to him? do you think his dithering qualities might actually genuinely affect the activities you plan together/time you spend together?

has it actually been a practical issue so far or are you just speculating (which i love doing too.....hmmmm, will we be a match, la la la )?

i mean we all have our "things we can let slide easily" and "things we get about quite quickly". and they're different? so if you genuinely get annoyed or feel it's adversely affecting you, then maybe see if you can raise it?

Thanks Lorna but I think Bant's date classification system is inspired and should take the plaudits.

Moan I think it can work, although I'm a pathologically early person so lateness would irritate me, but then I think if you like spending time with someone enough then it becomes possible to see annoying traits/differences as charming little quirks.

ps to add - i don't think you can "predict" something will drive you or the other person nuts, just take one day at a time and deal with anything as it comes up. if in a longer period of time the disagreements are piling up and you're unhappy then review, but otherwise just see what happens, no?

That's very philosophical and balanced Lorna ( now I'm thinking about all my exh's annoying habits though )

i'm in a "zen mode" today Nora. might be in a ranty shouty TYPING LIKE THIS mode tomorrow

i'm not very traditionally minded and not a fan of saying "people SHOULD do this and that". we all have stuff we're ok with and stuff we're not.

but i do think if i'm getting vibes the other isn't that thoughtful or "caring if they annoy me or hurt my feelings" then its a bad sign

if only because i like to feel like it matters to my lover what i think and feel when i'm with them.

i'll let some stuff go, especially in the early stages of dating, but it means i feel less connected to them, and more likely to finish things sooner - it's like my "goodwill store" runs out?

although of course hopefully both of us have to be a bit "reasonable".

(if anyone remembers "transportgate" with the european, the lack of thoughtfulness really pissed me off more than anything)

it's like my "goodwill store" runs out?
I can relate to that Lorna!

I mean I may appear to have let something go but I am mentally keeping score and when there are more than a certain amount of black marks against someones name there will be a shift in the way I feel

Moan there are always going to be differences and in some cases these can be positive and can help to rein in each other's worst excesses! But if it's irritating you, maybe you could have a word about some of the things that aren't actually part of "him", so for example being late isn't part of someone's personality, it's just a habit/lack of organisation and can easily be changed. Maybe do that and see how it goes?

I know this thread's going to run out soon, and it'd probably be easier to wait for the new one to start and mark my place, but is there room for one more here?

Am just beginning to dip my toe in the water of dating again, and I think I need the Vipers on my side

hello ginocchio

Wine This is interesting - I am all those things (last minute, procastinator, exams etc) but I have trained myself not to be late if someone else is expecting me. If it's something where it's only me - like going to a film on my own for example, there is still a good chance I will be late.
Lorna - that goodwill store line is exactly it isn't it?

Welocme ginocchio or maybe we could use the obvious short version ?

DFU you're welcome to - I certainly do...

Hey.

Was wondering whether I could join you?

Have finally accepted its over with on/off boyfriend and figure that getting back out there is the best way to move on.

I haven't got a very wide social circle so online dating might be the way to go.

Which sites do you recommend? Any tips for a very nervous first timer who is very keen to avoid the obvious mistakes.

Thanks a million

Welcome geordieminx I can't offer advice on sites as I've only used Plenty Of Fish and OK Cupid in my recent foray and have had no joy (yet). More battle-tested and more helpfully, female, daters will no doubt be along soon to advise.

Hello Geordie

With regard to which websites are best it all depends on a range of factors:

1. Whether you live in/near a city/large town/small town/rural;
2. Your age;
3. What site your target group are on;
4. There is also the cyclical/seasonal element to consider!

Plenty of Fish (POF) , OKCupid (OKC), Match, Guardian Soulmates (GSM), Match Affinity (MA) are the ones I know of and covers most of the ones I think posters are on.

Paid sites are not any 'better' in terms of seriousness or quality of prospective partner, most people with use a free one alongside the paid site.

HTH

Mistakes are part of the learning experience Geordie we all make them along the way. I think they help us to appreciate the right one when they eventually turn up

Hi Gin and welcome to the thread. What stage of dipping have you got to?

Welcome too Minx! People on here will help with your profile and give advice on anything to want. I think it helps to have an idea of what type of relationship you're looking for before you start (casual, long term etc), meet up sooner rather than later, and realise it gets much easier as you go on and the nerves fade away. There are plenty of bad dates but more importantly lots of good ones where people have met someone great. Good luck.