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Original poster

The Dating Thread - episode 60

999 replies

Djangounhinged · 31/07/2013 17:21

If I may?

OP posts:
grinchie · 08/08/2013 14:37

Thanks DFU lovely kitchen and you aren't so bad yourself Smile

Well super those 9 times you've been out; have you discussed anything serious? Made plans for the future? Established that you have similar goals? Etc
9 dates isn't many in some cases, in others it's enough to be very serious.

lurkinglorna · 08/08/2013 14:55

DFU is definitely a bit of a silver fox Smile

ALittleStranger · 08/08/2013 15:06

Eugh I hate the idea of discussing goals for the future after 9 dates. I think I'm just immature though. I'm aware that long-term compatibility is important but I'm not the type to break up after 6 weeks because we want different things in the future. Probably I should be.

I have to say, for all my own aversion to labels, it is a bit dickish for someone to make a big show of ducking "girlfriend" in public.

scrazy · 08/08/2013 15:11

I think I am immature to when it comes to this sort of thing. I let someone dick me around for far too long because I thought what he was offering was good enough for me and I'm in danger of doing it again.

Perhaps I should grow up, or deep down does it suit me Confused.

DadfromUncle · 08/08/2013 15:13

I don't think it's a bloke thing. I posted before about a couple of women on POF who seemed quite chatty on POF profiles but were monosyllabic in messages - like "hi hows u?" etc. I think I smell a rat - either they got someone who could write to do their profile because they can't - or maybe (as I suspected) the account was being used by their teenage kids/someone else entirely. That said, text isn't a great medium, especially if your phone doesn't have a great keyboard.
Overtheraenbow Good news - good luck

DadfromUncle · 08/08/2013 15:21

scrazy - Me too - was thinking about this last night whilst mowing the lawn (!) I have mostly just based my relationships (and in fact most of the rest of my life) on what I thought I might be able to get (any woman who showed an interest) rather than who/what I actually wanted. This is due to a long-standing (and I think now sorted) fear of failure and rejection that started with not (for example) being selected to play Joseph in the school Nativity Play, picked last in any team sport and turned down by almost every girl I asked out at school.

superdooperpenguin · 08/08/2013 15:29

Scrazy It will depend on his reasons for not wanting the gf label as to whether I end it. If it's because he is simply keeping his eye open for something better to come along then yes, over! But if he can convince me of a more legitimate, nicer reason then we'll see how it goes.

We haven't had any deep and meaningful conversations about the future at all, more about enjoying the moment. It's confusing though as he treats me like a gf - he has a cute pic of us together on his fridge, buys me thoughtful little gifts and has introduced me to all his friends. I just think I need a label to know where I stand! It's also like a declaration to everyone else that we're something, if that makes any sense?!

lurkinglorna · 08/08/2013 15:33

sounds a very sensible approach to me penguin Smile sometimes people have reasons behind things which we don't know about. its important to you though so talking about it sounds the way forward!

scrazy · 08/08/2013 15:44

I hope the conversation goes the way you want it to Super.

DFU, I'm quite picky really but I do accept less than enough from the men I pick.

Original poster
Djangounhinged · 08/08/2013 15:49

Over that's fab! Have a great time Smile and do give us an update if you can.

Kin I always have fab hair on the day of my haircut, it's pants.

DFU and Scrazy it's the self esteem thing, and it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy... You don't feel good enough, so you settle for something less than you really want, because you feel you aren't entitled to what you really want... And it goes wrong because it's actually not good enough.

I'm sure I read on this thread a few months ago, someone saying that once she'd got to a place where she truly accepted and liked who she was, she actually found that lots of the right type of men were suddenly very taken with her.

Sorry, don't mean to come over all preachy! But I struggle with this too, and think this is where it stems from.

OP posts:
scrazy · 08/08/2013 15:53

Oh I don't have self esteem issues. I know I'm fabulous and turn down lots of men. I just fall for bastards and always have Grin.

scrazy · 08/08/2013 15:55

Oh that sounded bad, of course, I don't always have relationships with egocentric men. I've had some successful ones with normal men too.

Original poster
Djangounhinged · 08/08/2013 15:58

Glad to hear it Scrazy, one day I hope not to have self esteem issues too!

OP posts:
scrazy · 08/08/2013 16:04

I'm not sure I'm cut out for a live in relationship so tend to not have that as a priority when choosing men. I've been on my own far too long.

I did live with someone in my 20's and again in my 40's so I am capable but find 'dating' has suited me, but I'm aware of the passing of time and don't want to spend the my middle decade alone.

AWarmFuzzyFuture · 08/08/2013 16:09

I think that once you are sure about what you want you will get a better class of person, because if anyone starts to mess you about, you walk away.

I give one chance only otherwise you are establishing a habit.

And I am very prepared to wait Sadly, there are a lot of men/women who have poor boundaries/bad manners.

You can tell my gorgeous vipers, WFF has been messed about, perhaps I don't have a couple of dates next week.

AWarmFuzzyFuture · 08/08/2013 16:12

scrazy I don't think I am either, I relish time alone. But I think perhaps with the right man...hope springs eternal Grin

WFF waves @ DJang you are fine girlfriend.

scrazy · 08/08/2013 16:26

I wanted more with the last one at one point but the thought of living together would bring me out in a rash. I'm gradually going off him now. Oh and he is a real catch, but he had plenty of other options so....

lurkinglorna · 08/08/2013 16:28

"someone saying that once she'd got to a place where she truly accepted and liked who she was, she actually found that lots of the right type of men were suddenly very taken with her."

Absolutely that D. I don't think its possible to skip some of the harsher parts of the dating process - sometimes I AM gonna get rejected or be in awkward or painful situations or have false starts. But I know that the worst times for dating for me were when I was feeling a bit regretful and maudlin and self loathing.

Dr pashing texted me to ask after my hangover and what nights i'm free next week.

next WEEK?Confused that breaks the momentum somewhat!

i think that reiterates the feeling i have, that we're attracted to each other and had a good date but deep down know there's probably nothing in it but a few nights out and hopefully some sexy time (maybe it was the wine talking but god he felt nice to grope, just very "firm" body) we shall see!

lurkinglorna · 08/08/2013 16:36

WFF excellent call on cancelling Smile. I find keeping in contact with people with bad social skills gives me emotional burnout (especially in OD when you're meeting new folk all the time)?

Original poster
Djangounhinged · 08/08/2013 17:06

Thank you WFF Wineand sounds like cancelling was a good call.

lorna that's a shame re Dr pashing.... But if you're ok with a few dates and some sexy time then he could be just the very thing...

I'm not looking to live with anyone again either (never say never, I suppose), I was the only adult in the house for large parts of my marriage and now I'm the only one, I like it even more. I'm assuming my perfect match won't want to give up his house either and here's hoping it's a swanky city pad

OP posts:
ALittleStranger · 08/08/2013 17:11

Lorna it's Thursday, do you not think next week is perfectly reasonable (genuine question)? I'd assume most people have weekend plans, as would I. I also wouldn't expect to see a second date that soon after date one anyway, but I'm maybe a miserable git.

JoylessFucker · 08/08/2013 18:11

So, the viper-reviewed profile continues to bring 'em in, thank you my lovelies. There's one or two more potentials including one who's going to explain to me on the phone what he means by compliant and how it is different to submissive. Hmmmm ... Plus a fire-eating, whip-cracking guy on OKC who is just too fascinating not to get to know, even if it leads nowhere. BuilderBob & I have been corresponding away and I've been enjoying taking it slow and building things up. However, then he spoiled it by telling me that he didn't call last evening because he was asleep (he does a physical job) when I could see that he was signed into PoF on & off most of the time. Obviously I don't mind him talking to other people on the site (I am after all), but why tell me silly lies ...? So he's had a "piss or get off the pot" message and I imagine he'll do the latter being a big butch guy who won't like a woman saying it as it is ... Shame, as I had hopes for him, but I can't be doing with people who tell unnecessary lies. BelfastBoy continues to be a mixture of amusing, understanding and a bit too pushy on the perve front. Not entirely sure why but I'm seeing where it will go if I don't let myself be pushed.

lorna gosh, you hard task master you!

Django I'm with you all the way on the self-esteem thing. Its a problem, in fact its long been a problem. Mostly I keep it under control but sometimes it gets the better of me.

super hope the girlfriend discussion goes the way you want it to. I must admit I'm more of a "my bloke" kinda girl, but it is tricky when one is an old bat.

One seriously good boost was a really gorgeous & witty guy on PoF telling me that my regular shag was a lucky guy after I turned him down for that role. Then I realised that my regular shag has gone all quiet ... Sod's law I think that's called.

sorry about the me, me, me message. Will do better later.

48howdidthathappen · 08/08/2013 18:30

I think Mr R&R has always settled in the past, he has low self esteem. That's ok. I have enough 'fuck you' attitude for the pair of us Grin

lurkinglorna · 08/08/2013 19:38

Stranger I think in terms of general etiquette etc asking for next week is perfectly fine, absolutely no issues there Smile

I don't want a 2nd date sooner as in "I need entertainment" or "I need him to prove he likes me and finds me attractive by obsessing over me and clearing his schedule".

It's more that I reckon I can't really get to know someone (for good - as in lets progress this. or for bad - as in this person and i just don't fit) unless I've spent a chunk of "downtime" with them that's not all "lets go check out this lovely restaurant for one evening and chat"?

Dr Pashing has "told" me things about who he is, just as I've told him things about me, but that's different from actually having time together to call whether we're a good match or not?

If I had been dating the european in a formal spaced out way, we'd still be dating. But spending a lot of time with him soonish made the personality differences come to the surface sooner

Which I think is great as then I could close it sooner and hopefully leave the field open for different chaps and for him to find some doormats other women?

Whereas now I have this "maybe Okish" prospect lurking in the background whilst I'm considering other prospects. It's not the biggest issue in the world first world problems but just a bit Hmm in terms of social organising.

superdooperpenguin · 08/08/2013 20:54

Lorna I see your point and hope you get to enjoy sexy time if nothing else! I personally like to have a break in between as I tend to get swept away by fuckwits if I don't take the time to think!

Another one with self-esteem issues here - I kind of think that because I'm only 31 and a single mum of 2 little people that it means I have to settle, mad I know. I read a beautiful quote the other day 'some settle down, some just settle and others settle for nothing less than butterflies'. I want the butterflies!