Waves is determined to keep winning now that Acrobat has arrived.

[wavesandsmiles]

So, Acrobat did actually arrive (only just) on the last thread. And he is here and lovely!

Links to previous threads:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1670597-So-DH-said

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1745551-DH-said-DH-left-waves-is-still-being-sick-but-into-the-third-timester

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1801734-Waves-is-winning-Here-comes-the-Acrobat

I'm so pleased you had a great holiday, and what a treat to come home and find people have been helpful.

Good luck with the interviews - hopefully you will get the offer of a shiny new job.

Darling, you have history with toxic relationships re your mother. imo these relationships don't come from nowhere, there's form. I also think that therapy is the route to recovery, in order to properly come to terms with what has gone before. it's not enough just to know it iyswim. Unfortunately!

Lovely, lovely bedsit lodger!

Looks like your interviews are well spaced out. I'm sure you will be stunning in them

I'm reading "Women who love too much" about co dependency. It's ringing alot of bells with me & we have a very similar history. I'm starting psychotherapy to sort it out once & for all.

That book looks marvellous. Just reading the "blurb" as DD calls it, resonates. I may treat myself to a copy....

Just finished a really cracking telephone interview. Even though I got covered in poo minutes before. Have never cleaned myself and a baby so fast before. And another interview set up for next week now, viewings of a room to let tonight and tomorrow so I am feeling far more positive. Oh, and my gentle abdominal work out seems to be working as I'm back in even my most fitted pre pg jeans now. Wouldn't ever go through HG, or indeed another pregnancy, again, but it is nice to be so slim almost straight away after.

It is good so far. Also codependents anonymous website is worth a look x

Well done on a fabulous interview. You sound a different person without things bringing you down...

Well done for all the things you've just posted about! :(

I think that loving twunt was like having a razor blade in my hand. I think that even from the start, even with the charm and promises, I knew, on some level, that he was going to hurt me badly or at least had the potential to do so. And part of me is like a moth to a flame. Part of me doesn't want to let go. Like I feel I deserve to be hurt. And as things are getting better, it is getting harder to accept that those things are real. And easier to think that I need to fly towards the flame.

Why why why do I feel like this. They aren't the same feelings as before. I need to snap out of it and think about tomorrow mornings interview. Or, if C permits it, get some sleep....

It's linked to your mum, trying to make it right 'this time', believing on a deep, skewed level that you deserved all that awfulness with your mum ((((big hug))))

I hope you get some sleep waves

ps I'm not a great believer in snapping out of anything. We do what we have to do, when the time comes.

Agree, snapping out of tings is a rarity - mostly you could equate it to a nasty drug habit, hard drinking, or smoking or something. You know it could ultimately kill you, that it's bad for your health, that you don't always feel great - but you're always chasing those first highs and hoping you won't get the nasty after effects.

So you have to "give it up" - and it takes effort, and sometimes you desperately crave your "fix" - even though you know you'll regret it afterwards.

Does that help?

And best of good luck with your interviews!

Yes it's all above putting ourselves in familiar abusive relationships again to see if we can make it right this time.
It's understandable after a toxic childhood.

Good luck for the interviews!!

I echo what everyone else has said. Abusive parental relationships run very deep. You have insight and intelligence though, to see through that and experience to recognise if the same looks like happening again.

Great news about your interview, and the one lined up for next week. Blue skies on the horizon for you, I think .

Good news re interview.

Like others have said parental abuse, spousal abuse runs deep. I do think u would benefit from the freedom programme. You also need to be very self aware and understand what attracts you to this type of relationship, then change your mindset. It can be done n

IME when you try and force yourself to snap out of something it actually makes things worse as you force feelings that you aren't ready to cope with and it makes it much harder to work through.

It will take time. Maybe what would help is to sort out maintenance and set the divorce in motion.

Hope the interview went well.

Lovely to be in such demand.

Today's interview was really great, and shortly after I got a call to arrange a second interview for one of the ones from yesterday, which is another telephone interview (a Gallup interview) and has been set up for tomorrow.

I managed to express 4ozs of milk through the course of the day and will see if Caspian will take that at bedtime, in the hope of more sleep than I managed last night (he was awake all evening, then at 12, 3, 5 and 7 to start the day). Yawn! I ended up crying this afternoon because he was just non-stop grizzly, and suddenly everything felt too much. And then I had the thoughts that actually my relationship with my parents really has stuffed me up a bit. I grew up thinking that if I just managed to do/achieve a little more, then they would love me. I just wasn't ever quite "enough". And now, I am carrying this with me - the feeling that I am not enough, whatever I accomplish. Which renders me not loveable enough etc. And realising that basically I have a totally warped view of relationships, MOSTLY however pervaded by my own completely unrealistic hopes/expectations which derive from my needing so much to feel completely loved. It is like I need so much, and as soon as they start to actually be, well, normal, and have their own space, and life, then I get utterly panicked, wondering why I am not good enough, what I have to do extra in order to get that same fix of love.

All that has nothing to do with how people have treated me, other than my parents, of course, and has everything to do with how I am a bit badly wired. I thought I had fixed myself, but clearly not enough. (See, I am still doing it, "not enough").

I think I have found a very nice new lodger too - she is super keen, I just need to have a proper think and not rush a decision.

Baby grizzling again - that was a short but needed respite. I think I will go to bed as soon as I have tried him with this bottle.

It was your parents who weren't enough. Not you.

Oh honey! I remember that sort of sleep deprivation. I found it stopped my brain working, so well done for being able to have successful interviews and think through Big Stuff. It's very impressive - YOU are very impressive!

Well done on the interview today and getting through to the next stage on the other one.

I hope you get better sleep tonight and that things will feel better in the morning. Although it sounds like you're working through some emotions that I hope will help in time.

wow, well done waves!

Seems like there's an amazing shift going on in your life, in all quarters . Well done for tackling all this; the deep stuff, the interviews, the baby, the lodger. You're doing so well

re the bottle: make sure the holes in the teet aren't too large, or baby boy will prefer bottle to boob (if you want to carry on breastfeeding, that is). How do I know this do you think

I hope the sleeping thing gets onto a more humane level soon lovely xxx

how did it go with new lodger interview?

Waves, you are just brilliant. So capable, but give yourself time to breath - I know its hard, but you need some downtime too.

I think I have a new lodger sorted. Probably moving in at the end of the month so just enjoying the privacy and space for now!

Interview central. I had a 1.5 hour Gallup interview yesterday and today heard that I am to final interview stage for truly amazing job. It is here, which I am ok with, offers amazing potential and is very senior. Tomorrow is the final interview during which 6 people will interview me, 3 by video conference including global head of legal... The interview is scheduled to last 4.5 hours (no typo!!!) and will also involve me being given a case study then an hour to prepare a 30 minute presentation on it. I've negotiated a one hour break so I can feed caspian, and mum is looking after him before and after that break. So five and a half hours all in with the break and it is here in the local office so I need to dig out a smart suit and, sigh, do some ironing.

I am soooo relieved I started expressing a couple of days ago, and he has taken 2 bottles with no problem at all, so I can give mum a couple of small bottles in case they are needed tomorrow. I just need to do some fairly intense expressing today to get those ready.

Another interview on Monday as well so things are moving on at a fair pace.

If I can secure a job through these interviews at the newborn stage I believe I can actually do anything. And the company tomorrow must be very keen as that amount of time investment by such senior people is not something taken lightly. Hopefully the expressing today will go ok, and I will get a half decent sleep (no such luck last night) and my iron will be in working order. Haven't used it for months and months!

However, positive vibes for 10am tomorrow and the rest of the day would be ever so appreciated.

Time to gaze at my beautiful baby boy and get some milk expressed

Amazing Waves! wonderful that you have offers coming from left, right and centre.

Are your DS1 and DD back at school now?

And good news about the lodger too.

Both back at school yes, and DS will be coming home to the amazing news that his design won the MN design a royal nappy competition! So pleased for him