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So DH said...

(964 Posts)

He knew I wouldn't want to hear it, but he really regrets getting me pregnant. I am 14 weeks pregnant with our first child, which we actively tried for. We each have 2 children from previous relationships, and there are blended family issues causing tension at the moment. I've been getting quite ill with regualr blackouts and am still suffering morning sickness.

We are going to try to make things work, but I am gutted to the core. It is not something that was said in the heat of a row, just in a "let's have a chat about what is wrong" talk.

I feel really upset - he is even talking about separating, and that his mum has offered to lend him money to get a deposit on a rented flat. We bought our forever home in October, and no way can I afford to pay the mortgage myself. I feel lost. I appreciate he is entitled to his own feelings, and to express these, but it doesn't hurt any less that he (a) is contemplating abandoning his pregnant wife and (b) has said he regrets the baby.

If he wants to separate, which he has said will be the case if our plan to improve things doesn't work, I really have no idea what will happen. I know this is a lot of what ifs, but the fact he has said how much he regrets all this, and that in his head he is at the stage where he has spoken to his mum who has offered him money, suggests that his mind may be made up already.

I think I just need some hand holding. He is/was my best friend, my happy ever after, only now it doesn't feel so much like that.

Mumofjz Mon 28-Jan-13 14:29:40

Is it more that he's regretting the situation rather than baby. A pregnancy then baby puts immense pressure on any family and more so on those that are struggling to combine two families with issues. It's too late now to say lets get this or that part of the situation sorted before moving on, what's done is done.

Has he said that he would be still willing to support you even if he moves out. Would him moving out ease some of the other family stress?

Numberlock Mon 28-Jan-13 14:35:57

I think this is the cruellest type of behaviour, what exactly are you supposed to do with this information?

The fact that he's spoken to his mum, is already putting plans in place to move out and making financial arrangements that don't involve you, would get me doing some serious digging around to find out what's the actual reason behind this. It sounds like he's several stages further on than just pre-baby 'nerves'.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 28-Jan-13 15:00:14

Actively tries for a baby then 14 weeks down the line he gets cold feet? I would be upset too. Are your 2 DCs living with you, do his DCs visit at weekends? Any job worries? Mortgage more than you can handle together? Walking out would be reprehensible. Before he lines up any more exit plans I would urge him to talk. Listen and talk. I take it his mum knows you are expecting. Are you and she close? Is he close to anyone in your corner?

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 28-Jan-13 15:16:36

I agree with Numberlock.

What a bombshell that must have been.

Even worse now that you discover he has been making plans to leave.

He has checked out already.

The usual reason for this is OW. I would do some digging around - has he been possessive with his phone, laptop etc?

Charbon Mon 28-Jan-13 15:17:27

What has his behaviour been like recently? Any changes that you attributed to other causes?

You bought a house in October and were actively trying for a baby around that time too. So something has happened between October and now, hasn't it?

WingDefence Mon 28-Jan-13 15:21:30

Oh bloody hell waves that is absolutely rubbish sad I clicked on this thread without a clue and only saw it was you when I got to the end of your OP.

The sentence you wrote about the fact he's already discussed this with his mum and gone through options with her does make it sound as if he's thought about this for a fairly long time.

Have you discussed exactly how you are going to try to make this work? He can't just dump this info on you and expect things to magically get better? Have you been to counselling?

I'm afraid I have other proper advice (but I'm sure you know there are lots of wise MNers on these relationships thread) but definitely hand-holding here for you. brew

WingDefence Mon 28-Jan-13 15:22:00

*no other proper advice
I meant to say sad

Numberlock Mon 28-Jan-13 16:04:40

If he wants to separate

he really regrets getting me pregnant

he is even talking about separating

I've read through your post again, waves. There's a lot about what he wants/thinks isn't there. I know how hard it would be but I wouldn't be sitting round for him to decide whether he wants to leave/stay. I'd ask him to leave while you work out what you want in the light of this information. By all means still meet up to talk and attend counselling if you so wish, but I'd feel that he was taking the piss out of me by still being in the same house whilst plotting his exact plan. Call his bluff and tell him you think the plan to set up his own home is an excellent plan and kick him out. And start checking phones, emails etc to get to the real truth.

Hi, in terms of the living arrangements, my DCs are with us fulltime - my exH left when DS was just under 2, and DD was 5 months old. He has no contact (we don't even know where he lives!) Dh's DCs are with us 2 week nights, and each weekend (Sat lunchtime til Sunday teatime) Jobs are secure, mortgage fine between us, but unmanageable on a single salary. His mum knows about the baby, as do all the DCs. I thought I was close to his family, but obviously not. I am really hurt that his mum, rather than suggest he supports his pregnant wife, is offering him money to move out.

His behaviour has been different. We started ttc in late September, and got the positive in late November, so didn't take long.

It really does feel like a bombshell. I don't know what to do with what he has said. I have suggested ways of fixing things, but I don't know how committed he is to the concept. I think walking out would be shocking, but he genuinely doesn't seem to see it like that. Just keeps saying that his DSs come first, and they are unhappy. His older DS was very opposed to us marrying as he saw me as a threat. So, I think DH is feeling guilty. I asked him about this and he kept saying, well the baby isn't here yet. So, in his mind, it is ok to walk out on us (and my DCs who are very close to him, especially as he is the closest thing they have had to a dad)

I don't think he has time for there to be an OW, but he password protects EVERYTHING. So I have no idea at all of what he is up to. He has been drinking a lot, passing out and sleeping on the sofa a few times, which in itself I find really upsetting.

I don't think I recognise him too much anymore. He isn't the loving caring man he was. He won't go to counselling, he has said absolutely no way to that.

I feel pathetic, keep fighting back tears. I wish I hadn't sold my house to fund this new place. All my equity went into this house, and I had worked so hard to keep that as a single mum to my DCs. Now I feel that I am actually facing being without a home and it is all a bit much. And I know that this stress is no good for the baby. I am blacking out especially when there is fighting or tension, and even fell down the stairs yesterday due to fainting.

So, as I see it, I have to magically fix things, which includes his DSS's resentment of me and my children, or he is off. I want this to be a bad dream. Instead, I am thinking about letting the kids rooms out to finance his half of the mortgage, and contemplating having to hand my baby over to the man who abandoned us...

Numberlock Mon 28-Jan-13 16:17:03

I am really hurt that his mum, rather than suggest he supports his pregnant wife, is offering him money to move out

I guess the issue here is that you don't know what he's told his mum. He could have told her that he's met someone else, wants out asap, therefore there's little point in her telling him to stay put.

His behaviour has been different

Since when? You found out you were pregnant or more recently?

he password protects EVERYTHING

Has he always done this or is it a recent development?

He has been drinking a lot, passing out and sleeping on the sofa a few times, which in itself I find really upsetting He won't go to counselling, he has said absolutely no way to that

All big red flags and proof that he doesn't want to address any of the issues.

How old are all the children?

Charbon Mon 28-Jan-13 16:22:47

I think he has been involved with someone else. Could it be his exwife, with all these references to his boys being upset about your relationship?

If you're not together 24/7, there is always time for an affair. People often say they are at work when they are not, or the affair is with someone there.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 28-Jan-13 16:31:48

Whether the SDCs are self motivated or encouraged by their parent, or even facilitated by PIL who carries a torch for spouse #1, there is a potential for mischief and ultimate destruction of a relationship. There could be a lethal combination of issues even without another OW or OM lurking.

Was Christmas or New Year a flashpoint? Has drinking been a problem before?

Legally OP you and your DCs couldn't be cast out on the street. Have you a joint account, do you have family support of your own?

We are going to try to make things work...he wants to separate, which he has said will be the case if our plan to improve things doesn't work

If you want to run those plans by us we could try and offer advice, but if as MadAbout suggests he has mentally checked out already, I don't think putting yourself through hoops is going to improve matters.

Reading your replies helps put things into perspective. I work full time, have sole responsibility for my DCs and teach part time as well. I can't be jumping through hoops to try to fix something that I don't see is really in my control anyway.

So my first step is to see my GP to address the blackouts. Putting me and the baby first!

Had a few words with "D"H (not feeling so "D"ish) about him after what he has said, and told him that this is as up to him as it is to me to fix, and a good start point would be to try to make me feel a bit loved. So, I have put the ball in his court, whilst also stating clearly that I am absolutely committed to him, our marriage, our baby and our future and am prepared to work WITH him to fix things. Hoping to get a serious response over the next few days.

In terms of the possibility of an OW, I am sure it isn't his ex partner. He had an awful time with her, and she is in a serious relationship with someone else. If there is another someone, I am sure that will come out in time. For now, I want to see if he can commit to us. If not, then he is going to have to work out how he can move out and not leave me and the DCs and the baby without a home or the finances to pay for it. I'm not in any state to play games or expend energy I genuinely don't have trying to appease him, and do all the work.

Sorry this is a bit rambly, I still feel so sore about what he said, and how cold he was to me and about our baby. Think I shall try and get an early night rather than have these thoughts racing through my mind any longer sad

AnonAndOnAndOn Mon 28-Jan-13 22:03:10

OP this is such a sad thread. And your DH is being an absolute cunt.

Do you know what? If that's how he feels then I'd tell him to fuck off and let mummy sort him out. Don't put yourself through hell waiting to see what he's going to end up deciding.

He doesn't get to stay at home enjoying all the cosy privileges of family life while all the time keeping you hanging. Tell him to leave right now. I bet that will sharpen up his decision making.

Charbon Mon 28-Jan-13 22:34:45

When a partner is ambivalent and is saying he's not sure whether he wants to remain in the relationship, the only course of action that ever works is to ask him to leave.

Regardless of what you've said about him having to equal your efforts at fixing things, the sad truth is that the person who wants to leave instantly has all the power in the relationship. That means that even subconsciously, you will not be acting authentically in case he threatens to leave again. You will be doing everything in your power to make him choose life with you, whereas because you've accepted this state of affairs, he has no incentive to get you to choose him.

Parting equalises the power. It becomes as much about whether you will choose to have someone back who isn't sure about his commitment, as it becomes his choice about whether to work things out.

So I'd drastically rethink your strategy here and be much more vigilant to the possibility there is someone else pulling some strings here.

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot Mon 28-Jan-13 22:42:07

I'm sorry you (and your kids) are going through this sad

Your last post is really good - try hard to hang onto that strength & resolve.

He is an utter bastard and there's something going on...

AnonAndOnAndOn Mon 28-Jan-13 22:46:57

Yes you have no power at the moment, everything is in his hands. Asking him to leave puts the ball back in your court.

I also have to say that I reluctantly agree with the other posters who are picking up on an affair here.

Which is even more reason you should ask him to leave. So he gets a cold hard dose of reality and a taste of what life will be like if he permanently breaks up your family.

Want to swear. He took the dog for a walk and left his laptop on and his phone behind. Managed to see his browsing history. He has been looking at other places to live, LATE ABORTIONS and quickie divorces. And porn too. I tried calling, his phone flashed here, and I realised I could check the messages. He has been texting his ex girlfriend, really late at night, and she is sending flirty texts back. His most recent was yesterday, setting out that we are over. Am I allowed to swear? I really want to.....

I don't think he will go. Not unless he knows he doesn't have to pay his half of the mortgage. He has been investigating whether our baby can be terminated. I confronted him when he got in and he says I have invaded his privacy, and he does not live in North Korea and is entitled to look up whatever he wants on the internet, and text whoever he wants.

I feel really broken. I feel like I am not good enough. I've been working myself to the bone in a demanding ft job, and teaching, and taking as many gigs as possible to put money into our house renovations and saving up for the baby. I just got into bed with him and felt sick, which is why I am downstairs now on the computer. I should be sleeping, I have a massive work meeting tomorrow, and need to sleep, but I can't. I want to be strong, but I don't know if I can be. This is utterly rubbish. I can't believe, still, that he has been investigating late abortions. And the texts. I want to roar.

waves I am so so sorry you had to find such disgusting things out. What an utter bastard he is being.

You are more than good enough, he isn't good enough for you. Nothing you did made him behave in this way - he made his own choices.

And by all means swear - as much as you like. <un-mumsnetty hugs>

GregBishopsBottomBitch Tue 29-Jan-13 00:30:37

Wave, I think you have all the answers you need, tell him to go and not come back.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Tue 29-Jan-13 00:32:42

Infact, Wave, wake his cunting arse up and tell him to fuck right off.

AnyFucker Tue 29-Jan-13 00:33:16

I am so sorry.

Get some sleep now.

Have your roar tomorrow. Call in sick, firstly. Then get this man out of your house.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 29-Jan-13 00:35:21

sad I'm sorry. angry He's a shit. North Korea, don't tell me he tried to claim the moral high ground.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Tue 29-Jan-13 00:36:58

Men like that always try to claim the high ground, its defence bullshit, like "Shit, im rumbled, make up bullshit", they all do it.

ladyWordy Tue 29-Jan-13 00:52:22

I'm so sorry waves.

He's not the man you thought he was, is he. sad He commits to buying a home with you, so you sell your own biggest asset to join him... then three months later he doesn't want it. He commits to ttc, you become pregnant... three months later he doesn't want that either. And wants to terminate a life because he doesn't want it now.

That is just appalling.

He doesn't care about whether you find his browsing history either, or maybe he wanted you to find it. You tackle him ...and there's not a trace of guilt, is there? Just some gibberish about living in N Korea, and what he's entitled to do. I imagine he has a pat answer for everything, waves.

Try and get some support from family, friends, anyone, because this must feel beyond shattering. This is not a good man, waves. Not good at all.

Charbon Tue 29-Jan-13 01:02:17

Well there we have it. Knew it had to be someone else and something quite recent, especially as he was committed to buying a house and having a baby just three months ago.

It's a really good thing that you've found out what's behind this because it has short-circuited all that wishing, hoping and appeasing in an effort to change his mind.

I'm assuming you'll ask him to get out now?

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot Tue 29-Jan-13 06:47:48

I'm sorry sad

I don't suppose you managed to take screen shots and fwd messages to your phone before you told him did you?

I'd call his mother this morning and tell her exactly what he's been up to - everything you found on the laptop & phone and that he's told you that he regrets getting you pregnant.

I'd wait until he goes out, pack him a bag and take it to his mothers - tell her for his own good, he'd better go and live there.

Tell her that despite what he's been looking up on the internet you have no intention of having an abortion (unless it's something you would now consider?).

Please don't feel like you aren't good enough, it's HIM that isn't good enough.

tribpot Tue 29-Jan-13 07:01:15

Above all else, get the blackouts investigated. I think the combination of stressors you have, plus the pregnancy, means you need to ramp your work commitments down as much as you can for now.

Does he have a history of wanting one thing and then wanting the opposite? How did his first marriage end? How long have you been together?

How long has the heavy drinking been going on?

Don't buy his 'this is not North Korea' bullshit. He does not have the right to treat you with disrespect.

AlistairSim Tue 29-Jan-13 07:08:28

I'm so sorry, waves.

I hope you at least managed to get some sleep.

mummytime Tue 29-Jan-13 07:12:41

Do go and see the GP.

My two thoughts have been: What was he like with his ex-wife when she became pregnant? I'd be interested to hear her side of the story if you ever have the chance.

If he leaves, is there any chance you can fit in a lodger?

ScubaSarah Tue 29-Jan-13 07:26:31

waves I'm so sorry to read this. Got to the end of your OP before I realised it was you. Can't add anything that hasn't been said but can offer thanks
First things first get to the docs. Then kick the twunt to the kerb. You're clearly strong and I have no doubt you'll come through this stronger (and probably happier) than ever. You deserve way more than this and your DCs deserve a better role model too.
Take care of you and the bean thanksthanksthanks

Hissy Tue 29-Jan-13 07:27:26

I am shock, OP, I'm so sorry! Thinking of you and knowing that you'll get some great advice here.

What an absolute bastard your H is. I definitely think a call to his bloody mother is in order.

Doha Tue 29-Jan-13 07:30:59

The bitch in me would be emailing the ex just letting her know that as ar as you knew you were not over, however after reading their echanges and discovering him looking for late abortions YOU have decided they you are over. Tell her she can have him-she can have your rejects.
Then get to the bank and if you don't already have set up a bank account for you to put any extra money away you earn---don't let him know about it.
See your GP for support and get the blackouts investigated.
Throw the fucker out and get any tax credits/CB paid to your bank account
Seek legal advice asap.
Start telling people in real life and get all the support you can.
Finally phone his mother and tell her what a charmimg son she has brought up and that you have NO intention of having a late abortion or putting up with all his porn usage and emotional affairs

Doha Tue 29-Jan-13 07:31:38

sorry for the typos's rushing out to work--now l'm late sad

WingDefence Tue 29-Jan-13 07:31:59

Oh shit waves sad I hope you managed to get some sleep?

He sounds like an utter bastard and you have done nothing wrong. I agree that you should call in sick today and get a GP appt ASAP. Then you need to start looking into your options. In these threads someone usually posts a comment that sets out links to legal advice etc for separating but I'm afraid I don't know where to find that info off-hand.

I'm thinking of you lots x

AThingInYourLife Tue 29-Jan-13 07:39:44

This man is a worthless shit.

Ask him to leave and put on all the pressure about how it's best for his boys now that your relationship has become irreconcilably hostile.

See a lawyer about protecting your assets.

This is who he is. An boil on the arse of the world.

toddlerama Tue 29-Jan-13 07:46:54

This thread has made my blood run cold. What a dreadful man. Don't you leave the house! And tell his mum exactly what he wants to do to her grandchild now he's changed his mind. You don't create a family and bin it 3 months later. That's psychotic.

Gingerodgers Tue 29-Jan-13 07:50:31

Keep strong. Best wishes.

Fairylea Tue 29-Jan-13 08:00:28

I feel so sorry for you. What an absolute bastard.

I know you're hurting now but honestly you've been a single mum before, you can do it again. (I've done it too, cheating ex etc).

Look on to find out what you could claim as a single parent. Go on csa calculator to find out what cunt would have to give you. Start siphoning off money from any joint accounts to build a buffer.

Go for an appointment with a solicitor. Many offer free initial appointments. You may be able to reclaim some of your equity if the purchase is recent.

Whatever you do, ask him to leave.

This isn't love.

tiredteddy Tue 29-Jan-13 09:02:06

Hi waves another familiar face here to hold your hand as ling as it's needed. Hope the doc can help with the fainting that us so horrid for you. I'm a but useless with advice but here for you xx

I'm at work - big presentation this morning, so have to be here. But thinking i really should go to see the GP later today, after I've collected the DCs from school if there is an appointment.

I am furious, and hurting today. I need DH to go, and to do that quickly I need to speak to his mum so she can arrange for a flat for him and his DCs.

I have room for a lodger, once they have all gone. There really isn't any way back from this. I know that. I just need to keep telling myself that, as this horrid little voice keeps saying it was my fault for not being good enough.

He is a bad man. He knows as well how unwell I am at the moment too. I've lost weight, not gained since we got the much wanted BFP in November.

I didn't sleep well, and woke up to vomiting again. So I need to gather myself together, and find the energy and focus for this meeting.

Once I have seen the GP hopefully I will be in a position to speak to work about reducing the amount I am expected to do, and the travelling as well. Wish my mum was here at the moment, but she's away.

Please, please keep reminding me that he has been really awful. I am chilled to the core about the abortion issue. But I need to remember that all of this is bad. And that it all comes from him.

Thanks to you all for your support.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Tue 29-Jan-13 09:26:04

Waves You are so much better than this pathetic waste of human flesh, you'll be fine without, bubba and dc's will be much happier.

Dont even give this arsehole any thoughts.

GaryBuseysTeeth Tue 29-Jan-13 09:38:02

Waves, I'm so sorry things have come to this for you.
Don't listen to the horrid little voice saying it was your fault, this is all on him (a <hooya> for you if you do!), I'm so sorry he's done this to you.

Good luck at the GP's later, glad you're going in. xx

Cantbelieveitsnotbutter Tue 29-Jan-13 09:45:51

Oh my, don't for one second think its you. It's him, he's the arse.
Yes you need him out the house so you can rest, lick your wounds and plan (with legal advice)
And doing this to all your babies just makes him even more of a bastard

WingDefence Tue 29-Jan-13 09:50:38

Hi waves - after a bit of searching, I found the advice that others have posted in relationship threads on here. Not sure if they will al be relevant (they may be geared more towards abusive situations??) but I hope something does help. I found this originally posted by olgaga in this thread.

Relationship Breakdown and Divorce – Advice and Links


Try to get familiar with the language of family law and procedure and get an understanding of your rights BEFORE you see a solicitor.

If there are children involved, their interests will always come first. It is the children’s right to maintain a meaningful relationship with the non-resident parent (NRP) – not the other way around. Parents have no rights, only responsibilities. Shared residence means both parties having an equal interest in the upbringing of the children. It doesn’t mean equal (50/50) parenting/contact time - children are not possessions to be “fairly” divided between separating parents.

A divorce will not be granted where children are involved unless there are agreed arrangements for finance, and care of the children (“Statement of Arrangements for Children”). It is obviously quicker and cheaper if this can be agreed but if there is no agreement, the Court will make an Order (“Residence and Contact” regarding children, “Financial Order” or “Ancillary Relief” in the case of Finance),

Always see a specialist family lawyer!

Get word of mouth recommendations for family lawyers in your area if possible. If you have children at school, ask mums you are friendly with if they know of anyone who can make a recommendation in your area. These days there are few people who don’t know of anyone who has been through a divorce or separation – there’s a lot of knowledge and support out there!

Many family lawyers will offer the first half hour consultation free. Make use of this. Don’t just stick with the first lawyer you find – shop around and find someone you feel comfortable with. You may be in for a long haul, so it helps if you can find a solicitor you’re happy with.

If you can’t find any local recommendations, always see a solicitor who specialises in Family Law. You can search by area here:

Some family law solicitors publish online feedback from clients – Google solicitors to see if you can find any recommendations or feedback.


You will be encouraged to attend mediation. If there has been violence or emotional abuse, discuss this with your solicitor first. Always get legal advice, or at the very least make sure you are aware of your legal rights, before you begin mediation. A Mediator can help you to have a structured discussion in a neutral setting and help you reach agreement. They should have knowledge of family law but are not there to give legal advice.

Married or Living Together?

This is a key question, because if you are married, generally speaking you have greater protection when a relationship breaks down.

Legal Issues around marriage/cohabitation and relationship breakdown are explained here:

DirectGov advice on divorce, separation and relationship breakdown:

Legal Rights are further explained here:

I found these guides from law firms quite informative and easy to read – there are others of course:


Before you see a family law solicitor, get hold of every single piece of financial information you have access to, and take copies or make notes. Wage slips, P60s, tax returns, employment contracts, pensions and other statements – savings, current account and mortgages, deeds, rental leases, utility bills, council tax bills, credit statements. Are there joint assets such as a home, pensions, savings, shares?

If you are married, the main considerations of the Family Courts where parties are unable to agree a settlement are (in no particular order of priority):

1.The welfare of any minor children from the marriage.
2.The value of jointly and individually owned property and other assets and the financial needs, obligation and responsibilities of each party.
3.Any debts or liabilities of the parties.
4.Pension arrangements for each of the parties, including future pension values and any value to each of the parties of any benefit they may lose as a result of the divorce.
5.The earnings and earning potential of each of the parties.
6.Standard of living enjoyed during the marriage.
7.The age of the parties and duration of the marriage.
8.Any physical or mental disability of either of the parties.
9.Contributions that each party may have made to the marriage, either financially or by looking after the house and/or caring for the family.

CSA maintenance calculator:

Handy tax credits calculator:

Handy 5 Minute benefit check, tax and housing benefit calculators:

Parenting issues:

Support for women


(Bear in mind that if you are not in England there is usually an appropriate link on these websites. There are significant differences in Scottish law and housing provision).

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 29-Jan-13 10:00:06

I can't imagine how much you are hurting right now. Does he normally run away from problems with kids or taking on a new property - straight back to an ex, how original. Is she even single - hope he gets thumped if not.
Despicable behaviour and fwiw he's not fit to be your H or DCs' stepdad. Please see GP asap stay well and you have tons of support here.

harryhausen Tue 29-Jan-13 10:03:48

Waves, I don't 'know' you but just wanted to offer you my whole hearted love and support.

Oh. My.bloody.god what an utterly awful shit of a man/father. I don't rarely get shocked but this has left me speechless.

You sound an amazing, loving, hardworking woman and mother. You totally do not deserve this.

I really hope he is gone from your home soon so you can breathe. In 6 months time, when all his grass doesn't seem so much greener he will regret this. I'm glad in a way that you found him out now.

Take care xxx

MarilynValentine Tue 29-Jan-13 10:05:44

Wow WingDefence what an amazing, supportive post.

OP, your H has been fucking despicable. You will be well rid of him. So sorry you are having to deal with this but you will get through it.

He is a selfish, nasty prick. Stay with the anger, focus on that - the fact that he has behaved abominably and deserves no second chances.

Good luck.


oh no waves I am so sorry. You have had some really good advice here and you must look after yourself. I think you need to face that your H is not the man you thought and none of this is your fault at all. sad

Will you be able to look after the baby and work/mat leave etc?

tiredteddy Tue 29-Jan-13 10:09:16

Brilliant post wing

waves I hope that work pressures aren't to great today. Do get the dc early and see you GP if you can. Baby and you come first. Look after yourself. Will your mum be back soon? Do you have anyone in RL to talk to?

piratecat Tue 29-Jan-13 10:14:52

waves, you deserve so much more. he us a bloody disgrace. get him out.

you sound really amazing and focused, so i want to remind you of that and to say keep going, keep going, we are here. xx

BinarySolo Tue 29-Jan-13 10:20:30

What a vile specimen of a 'man'. To plan and create a child then see it as a disposable inconvenience to getting his leg over someone new is just beyond words. I can't imagine what you're going through right now as he's done this when you're most vulnerable.

He is an arsehole. This is in no way your fault and his mother should be ashamed of him and herself for enabling his behaviour. Sounds like he needs to grow up, stop playing at daddy until it all gets abit too real then moves onto the next.

You're really worth more than him and deserve much better. Focus on your health and your kids.

WingDefence Tue 29-Jan-13 10:30:12

No please don't give me the kudos for that post, really I have seen it on other threads before now and I just wanted to share it for waves.

Hope the meeting goes well btw waves and you get to see the GP later.

Bogeyface Tue 29-Jan-13 10:37:53

The "crime" of invading his privacy is nothing compared to what he has done, and he knows it. North Korea?! Arsehole.

Stick to what you know and dont allow him to derail you with this crap. My H (not D at all) did this when I was pregnant with our planned baby. He had a sexting affair with his ex, tried to meet her for sex and implied that he was single. She didnt meet him, I think to her it was just a bit of fun, but her DH was very close to finding out. I didnt find out until the baby was 5 weeks old, and didnt leave. I wish I had.

He was desperate to not split up, genuinely desperate. Went to counselling, bent over backwards etc, but its broken sad

I sent him an email at work, setting out how upset I am. This was his final words in reply:

In summary, I apologise that you were upset about what you had found when you went snooping through my things, but I don’t think you had any just reason to go looking anyway.

Dickhead. Tosser. What a total scumbag. Raging now! He is making out like it is all my fault isn't he.

AnyFucker Tue 29-Jan-13 11:22:46

Stop engaging with him now. You are simply going to hand him more opportunities to upset you


lalalonglegs Tue 29-Jan-13 11:24:27

I've just read through your thread, waves. Of course it's you that is in the wrong because, if it weren't, then he would be in the wrong and that couldn't possibly be the case. Your "snooping" only confirms to him that his behaviour is completely justified - this man isn't capable of shame or embarrassment.

I'm so sorry that you are in such a grim situation, I can't imagine what goes through these men's heads (sadly you aren't alone sad) that they are happy to walk away from loving relationships and a planned pregnancies but obviously their needs are more important than their families'. It's such a pattern, I'd almost say don't take it personally. Get some time off work and plan for a future without him (your lodger idea is a great one btw). Stay strong.

piratecat Tue 29-Jan-13 11:25:17

Bogey that's sad

Numberlock Tue 29-Jan-13 11:28:36

It's a really good thing that you've found out what's behind this because it has short-circuited all that wishing, hoping and appeasing in an effort to change his mind

Charbon is right. My friend went through months and months of self-doubt, paranoia, mental anguish etc as her cheating husband tried to make out she was imagining everything, prior to her discovery of his affair.

At least you have the full picture now.

At the moment, you are in shock. It will take time for this to sink in and the realisation to hit.

Your priority should be:

(a) the GP/midwife appointment to get to the bottom of the blackouts
(b) a free half hour consultation with a solicitor to find out your legal position, specifically with regards to getting him out of the house asap whilst protecting your assets

Do you have a friend in real life who you can tell?

WingDefence Tue 29-Jan-13 11:29:57

Bloody hell. So he thinks that you being worried and upset about the whole situation, leading you to look on his laptop and phone is WORSE than the porn, telling his ex he's single, arranging his soon-to-be-single life with his mum behind your back - oh and googling late abortions for a child you and he both wanted a few months back?

I have no words sad

AnyFucker Tue 29-Jan-13 11:32:04

And this is why I would advise people to snoop, if they have good reason to.

Knowledge is power. Imagine trying and trying to be everything this man wanted you to be, and then finding out later he was never going to acknowledge your effort. How soul destroying that would be...

Ruprekt Tue 29-Jan-13 11:39:49

My god, there are some gits out there!

We do live in a 'throw away' society. Everything is easy to do and then discard, from takeaway food to items that we don't get fixed anymore when they have broken. We just throw em away and get new ones.

But to discard a loving wife and much wanted baby is vile, cruel and inexcusable.

Do you all live together then with 4 children between you or do his children live with their mum? How the hell will he explain it to them? No consideration to even try and work out what he felt was wrong in the relationship.

Get rid. Quickly. At least you have your job/career and hopefully won't need to get money off this cockroach.

I'm not going to engage any further. I have told him needs to move out as soon as possible for the welfare of all the children, and for my health. I have told him he is still going to have to pay his half of the mortgage, but I am prepared to take in lodgers in order to meet that.

I am teaching this evening, then will put my DCs to bed, and stay up with them for the night. He wants to discuss things this evening. Not a chance.

I have texted a friend, who just last weekend was raving about what an amazing influence he has been in my life, and that she has not seen me so settled before. What a total idiot I will look. But I think it is easier to plough on if RL people know. It's like announcing you are going to quit something, like smoking. Once you tell people there is that extra obligation on you. I have texted my mum as well - she is back this weekend so not long to wait til I can see her.

I have let my boss know about the blackouts etc, so hopefully that will mean I get a marginally easier time of it at work. I am going to see the GP and then try to book a couple of days holiday for next week so I can get some legal advice etc. I can't do everything at once, especially as I am feeling pretty poorly. So, I think later I will just try to write out an action plan for the next week.

AnyFucker Tue 29-Jan-13 11:49:29

Sounds like a good plan. First and foremost, take care of yourself x

Engage with him I mean! I think I am going to need lots of support here.

Yes, he will have a lot of difficult explaining to do - his DCs are with us 3 nights a week, and all the time over the weekend. They legally live with their mum though.

I am going to ask my mum if she will help with childcare when I go back to work. We already have a nursery place reserved, but I won't be able to afford that by myself. I won't be able to take much unpaid ML, but at least I will be earning! With lodgers, work and the part time tuition I do, I am sure I will keep our heads above water, just not sure if there will be enough hours in the day. Or energy in me. I don't want to think about that all now - it is overwhelming sad

lalalonglegs Tue 29-Jan-13 11:56:32

waves, while I think it is brilliant that you are getting plans in place and working out how you can cope financially, your husband should be contributing too. He sounds a complete bastard but he does seem to have supported the children from his first marriage and I think you should factor in some money from him too rather than run yourself into the ground trying to cover everything solo.

Numberlock Tue 29-Jan-13 11:59:39

That's really refreshing to read, waves. You have done so much in such a short space of time and made some really important steps - lining up some real life support, thinking about childcare options, talking to your boss, making a GP appointment and starting to think about the legal aspect of the split.

As you say, it will be overwhelming so you can only take it one day at a time, be kind to yourself and don't be afraid to ask for help, either on here or in real life.

BinarySolo Tue 29-Jan-13 12:00:59

Agree with lala. Whilst it's tempting to say screw him and cut him out of your life completely, he really needs to pay for the child he helped create.

Hope the bastard is financially squeezed.

delilah88 Tue 29-Jan-13 12:12:53

Oh dear, I am really sorry for you. This is not a marriage, and he is disrespecting you and your body and new life inside you. I think you should join or call a women's group for some support and camraderie during pregnancy. I think you should get rid of this man. He sounds completely unstable and is just staggering from one thing to the next without a care for anyone. How old are your kids?

WingDefence Tue 29-Jan-13 12:16:00

You sound so strong waves. Brilliant.

How have you felt today (sickness/blackouts)?

Ill today - sick 5 times now, and had to sit down during my walk to work because I got the pre-blackout weird head thing. Excused myself early from work meeting and just made it to the staff room when I passed out. No appointments today, so hoping to see my GP tomorrow - planning on booking a half day, so long as I don't have a meeting slotted in at work!

I don't feel very strong. I feel I am doing the right thing, but I also feel so embarrassed that I am going to have to tell my family and friends about all this. They will think I am stupid for marrying someone who is like this sad

WingDefence Tue 29-Jan-13 12:42:33

Can you please just take tomorrow off sick and then see the GP? Sod the meetings/appointments - you really need to rest (even if you can't sleep because of all this going on).

They will all think he's the stupid one for throwing away a marriage with a wonderful woman. You are gorgeous. He is a twat.

FriedSprout Tue 29-Jan-13 12:44:58

Am sure that anyone that knows, cares and loves you will think no such thing. Only desperately anxious to help you through it. Anyone else, really does not matter.

Please ring the surgery again and explain the pregnancy and blackouts. Am sure they could at the very least get you a phone appointment.

whosthis Tue 29-Jan-13 12:46:28

waves please please stay positive for your and your children's future. Please please don't think it is the end of hope or anything like that. THERE IS A WAY, THERE IS ALWAYS A WAY.

I am not sure I read through all the posts, but from the point when you discovered those text messages and the browsing history, it became clear that this person doesn't worth it. Relationship is complicated. To lose passion in a relationship is one thing, but to elaborate leaving his pregnant wife and his unborn baby which he was expecting to have just a few months ago is the other thing. This man isn't worth your love and your efforts to share a future. You deserve someone better.

There's always a way out and a way to restart. Easy or hard, there must be a way.

From now on, you need to focus on the future for you and your children. Do not look back. Stop analyzing why this why that, as it's NOT helpful. You need to focus all your energy and your time to find the best path for good.

Things will get better, they will. You just need to move on and work hard for yourself and those who you love - your DD, DS and the little baby.

Time will heal, you know it and we all know it. And control those you can control.

- sorry, I can't think of any more practical suggestions than what had been mentioned by others. I can only tell you that you need to believe yourself and need to believe that there's a future to work on and days will get brighter one day again. Hold your hands tight. Remember that we are around you to support. Anytime you need comfort and support. brew

Numberlock Tue 29-Jan-13 12:48:04

I have let my boss know about the blackouts etc, so hopefully that will mean I get a marginally easier time of it at work

I don't like the sound of this, reading back through your post. You've told your boss you're passing out regularly and the outcome was that you get a lighter workload? What was her/his reaction? I would have insisted you go straight home and don't return until you have been given the all-clear by a GP.

kazzy77 Tue 29-Jan-13 12:50:03

deepest sympathy to you for what u are going through at what is a difficult time. can you not ring your midwife re blackouts? just to get yourself checked out ie blood pressure.

sounds like u are a very strong woman. think i would have crumbled by now.

nobody will think you are silly at all. they will just think badly of him and can i just say what a total selfish bastard he is!! xx

whosthis Tue 29-Jan-13 12:50:34

waves I read a few more of your new posts. You are a strong woman and a strong mum. You will work things out for the best of those you love.

Just keep in mind, DO NOT THINK BACK and DO NOT FEEL REGRET FOR THE DECISIONS YOU MADE - marrying this guy and having a baby with him. There are too many things you cannot predict in life. You could only make decisions with the information at hand by then. It is NOT your fault and you did your best!

GaryBuseysTeeth Tue 29-Jan-13 12:53:46

waves, you've explained to your boss about the blackouts/sickness (assuming that means work knows you're pregnant?), please consider taking the whole of tomorrow off.
Even if you only spend 10 mins at the GP and the rest lying in bed stewing over everything.

No-one would think you're stupid, you've already said one friend mentioned how awesome an impact he's had on you, so they've yet to see the 'North Korea' blaming, horrible side to him you have.
Besides anyone who'd tell you you're stupid for marrying him/giving you grief over it all, given your current situation/stresses, would be acting very knobbish.

You're strong, talented, intelligent and determined to do anything for you/your DC's. That makes you awesome! <shakes pompoms for team waves>

Charbon Tue 29-Jan-13 13:43:16

You're right that telling people will make it real and also it will get you some much-needed support.

These near-blackouts sound very worrying. Please consider going sick and getting them investigated asap, e.g via a casualty walk-in. Even without the other shit you've got going on with this very cruel man, it sounds like you've got too much on your plate and your health tops all of it.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Numberlock Tue 29-Jan-13 13:51:45

Might even get signed off I suppose which would sort out the work pressure issues

Just a small point, waves, but you can self-certify for the first 5 days. I'm glad you've got an appointment first thing.

WingDefence Tue 29-Jan-13 13:56:12

Have you got room to stick your H in to sleep so you don't have to share a bed with him? I appreciate it could well be hard with his DCs staying over too. Perhaps he should have the sofa - after all, you can't possibly be expected to not have a proper bed in your condition...

And come straight out and ask to be signed off if you can. Cry if you have to and definitely tell the GP everything you're going through sad

Fairylea Tue 29-Jan-13 14:27:04

Could you pack up all his stuff and dump it on his mum's doorstep since she is so willing to "help" ... (evil cow)..

I'd also print off a copy of his internet history and send it to his family and the ow.

But I'm mean like that.

Honestly I know you feel like everything is falling apart now but it will get better.

I promise.

Says she who has been left in the lurch by fuckwits twice and now happily married again in my 30s with a young ds. smile (and older dd!)

whosthis Tue 29-Jan-13 14:46:17

Signing off by self certifying to begin with has immediate effect, but not sure what your boss would think after he knows about the story. Fair enough, as women, we know how hard it is and fully understand it. But if your boss is a some sort of very "manish" boss, and he expects you as a strong career woman, it might weaken your image in his mind?

I know imagine is not something to be concerned but if you have to support your kids financially alone, career has to be something to take good care of , say: keep the door wide open for your next step?

Perhaps pull yourself up for one more day until you talk with your boss?

whosthis Tue 29-Jan-13 14:49:22

Agree with fairylea , throw that guy out of the house immediately. It's meaningless to think for him anymore. But you need to protect yourself, I.e. making the affair and what he's done know to others so that in the court you have your argument - for you and your baby.

Hi, no I'm not going to self certify for the career reasons, but seeing my gp tomorrow morning.

I can't just throw him out unfortunately as his sons are here half the week, so that would not be fair on them. Might be his mess to sort out, but I don't want to see any of the children suffer. I am thinking about sleeping arrangements. He will have to go on the sofa for the next few days.

He's started playing tricks, sent me a message at work asking what time I was teaching and how he'd do homework, tea, baths etc for my DCs to make things easier whilst I'm teaching. I asked him to focus his attentions on finding other accommodation. It would have helped as I have back to back lessons, but determined not to let him try to make me feel like I am dependent on him.

Hoping for an early night, I am exhausted.

Charbon Tue 29-Jan-13 15:53:41

Have you thought about contacting your stepsons' mum to see if they can live with her at the moment, or he comes to some other arrangement about seeing them elsewhere? I have a feeling that you two will have a lot in common and you'll find that some of what he's been telling you about her behaviour in the past was lies.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Tue 29-Jan-13 15:58:39

Waves It sounds like hes trying to back pedal or try and charm you, for the love of god, dont bloody fall for it.

Stopsittingonyoursister Tue 29-Jan-13 16:22:21

waves I am so sorry that you are having to go through all this. You are amazingly strong, please feel free to post whenever you need reminding what an awful, awful man your H has turned out to be. Never, ever think that any of this was your fault.

You need to tell the GP everything that has been going on, and get signed off at least for a few days.

My recommendation would then be to go home, pack a bag for your H and drop it off for him at his mother's. Whilst dropping it off, you can also drop a note off explaining to her exactly why you have chosen to kick him out of the house, just so she knows the situation rather than just his version. And I second the idea of speaking or emailing his ex-wife to see if alternative arrangements can be made for visiting his DCs for the next couple of weeks. Presumably as he has already been making enquiries about alternative places to live, it won't take him long to get something sorted out where his DCs can visit him.

I would also make sure that, if possible, you get copies of every bit of financial information you can lay your hands on, in case you need it to prove his income and savings etc. Presumably you had to get all that information together when you were applying for your mortgage? It's amazing how little some Hs claim they earn when it comes to sorting out maintenance. And if you can get anything from his laptop history, I'd print that out too.

Please, please do not fall for his mind games. Writing down an action plan sounds an excellent idea (but I am a bit of a one for lists).

You are doing amazingly well, I hope you get the RL support to get through this. thanks

bestsonever Tue 29-Jan-13 16:34:54

You had the best justification there is for 'snooping'- a lying scumbag who had been acting and saying suspicious things and blaming you for everything.
He broke the vows, no escape from that however he want's to try and absolve himself.

whosthis Tue 29-Jan-13 17:17:56

Please plan well the financial side without sympathising him or feeling any "dependence".

You together made the decision to buy a house and to have a baby of your own. He is accountable for the consequence of these regardless if he wants to stay in the original plan.

On the other hand, also make sure be fair to your baby.

LiveItUp Tue 29-Jan-13 18:49:28

How awful and difficult for you. So sorry to hear what an idiot he has turned out to be. Sounds like you telling him to leave may have tipped that power balance though! This has all happened so very quickly for you. Take time for yourself to get your head around things, put your priorities first, and do what is right for you (and your DC's of course) whatever that is.

fuckadoodlepoopoo Tue 29-Jan-13 19:05:15

God what an arsehole!

Did he even have an excuse for telling his ex that he's single?

Arsehole is a good word. He is now saying he won't leave, categorically and that he has done nothing wrong. confused I have told him to take all his things out of our bedroom and find somewhere in the house to sleep. He has, at this stage, agreed to that.

My next step is to go to my GP to sort out the blackouts and vomiting. And to explain everything that is going on. Once that is done (as in I am physically a bit stronger) I'll be going to a lawyer to find out the best way to proceed.

I have a massive document to review for work, so planning on getting a bath once DS is in bed (hurry up 8pm) then doing that in bed, in the sanctuary of my own bedroom.

WingDefence Tue 29-Jan-13 19:52:53

Grr waves, of course he'd say that. Which is why the advice of others on here about telling his mum (how is your relationship with her btw?) or at least telling her you know she's offered him money to set himself up and he will be needing to do so at the earliest opportunity could be a good idea.

Enjoy that sanctuary and get stuck into that document. If you're lucky it will send you off to sleep smile

whosthis Tue 29-Jan-13 20:02:04

You are strong.

Just keep in mind what he did and what he planned to do with you and your baby. Don't fall back into the emotional trap.

MyChildDoesntNeedSleep Tue 29-Jan-13 20:13:43

Aww, waves, you are being so amazing! Your DCs are so lucky to have you, even though you probably don't feel that way.

Please take the advice you're getting on here (maybe not the ones telling you to send copies of the browsing history to your in-laws, but yes to telling your MIL the extent of what has gone on.) I wish I had taken MN advice when my STBXH started saying he wasn't sure whether he wanted to move out or give our relationship a chance. I really believe that once they've got to that stage there is absolutely no point in living together and 'trying'. Tell them to move out and make up their mind.

I eventually did with mine when I realised he had searched for places to rent and told everybody how miserable he was when we were supposed to be 'trying'. I'll never forget the look on his face when we went to my car to drive to a Relate session only to find that someone had drawn a heart on my dirty car. I said: "Oh, that's a good sign, isn't it?" He just looked at me as if to say: "Kid yourself all you want". I still carried on 'trying'.

Fast forward to today. I since told him to move out when I realised that was what he wanted. He now regrets giving up on us (something he wouldn't have realised if he had stayed), but I have moved on and could never take him back.

I was so scared that if he moved out he would prefer it to living with me, as I knew I wasn't the best wife I could have been and I was sure he would have thought the grass was greener. I had bad PMT, and he was a good husband who did most of the housework/cooking and shared childcare 50/50. I thought he would think moving out was heaven! He didn't. But it's too late.

AnyFucker Tue 29-Jan-13 20:15:30

They never just fucking leave do they ?

they threaten to, then when they realise you are not begging them to stay, they decide they are staying put

what a predictable knob he is

duende Tue 29-Jan-13 20:18:59

waves you have had plenty of good advice here. I just want to say you sound like a strong, clever, intelligent and lovely woman. Your kids are lucky to have you and he is a useless waste of space.
I'm really impressed with how much progress you have made in the last few days and hope you get plenty of support in RL.

AThingInYourLife Tue 29-Jan-13 20:25:31

What about his unhappy children?

Why isn't he putting them first like he threatened

Charbon Tue 29-Jan-13 20:51:55

The only reason he isn't leaving is because the woman he's involved with isn't in a position to house either him or his kids right now.

It's that simple.

That doesn't stop you legally protecting your interest in the property and finding somewhere of your own to live, rather than expose you and all the children to this atmosphere.

Doha Tue 29-Jan-13 20:56:57

Down tools now waves let him end for himself. He can do his own washing cleaning meals. Act as if you are separated already.
Why should you be his domestic slave at home

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Undertone Tue 29-Jan-13 22:12:32

You are a kick-ass, capable, intelligent and dedicated woman. Everything you do is putting others before your own needs (children, step children, career).

How fucking dare he? I mean... How FUCKING DARE HE?!

Yes to telling his mum. Yes to telling the step children's mother. Look at all these women's lives he's disrupted and soiled with his shitty behaviour.

It's all about you and your family now. Except for his share of financial support in the future he is basically dead to you. The persona he fabricated up until now has gone. He's nothing but a cruel heart, a deceiving mind and a wandering penis.

This story has really shaken me. Thinking violent thoughts! Hatred for this man. No one - NO ONE - will be on his side.

Despicable. Ok sorry i will stop ranting.

LiveItUp Tue 29-Jan-13 22:23:02

Oh Waves, really feel for you. How can he say he has done nothing wrong? How can he justify texting OW telling them you are over, or that he wants your new baby gone? shock

Can your Mum move in for a couple of days when she's back to help you while you are so poorly? (and make like difficult for the bastard him?

Get a good sleep and hope you get some answers at the docs tomorrow.

whosthis Tue 29-Jan-13 22:25:15

Dear waves , please do not thinking of rewinding history. Please do not look back (not right now). Please don't doubt yourself and your decisions (previous ones and those to come).

Deep down, you know it's just a phase of life finished and a new one to start.

Please focus on what's ahead and be strong for your DCs.

Everyone here is being so lovely and supportive. Thank you. I know it is going to be really hard for the foreseeable future, especially as he now won't move out. I finished my document review, it is sent off and I am going to try to sleep now. I think that is what I need most of all if I am going to be strong in all this.

I'm going to write a note to his mum. That way I can set everything out logically and rationally. And I will probably do the same re my stepsons mum. It is hard, really hard. I think they are anti me because my stepsons have not been happy as the eldest in particular was very opposed to our marriage. Means I am a bit of a wicked witch character and I don't believe that of myself. But I wont get drawn into any mud slinging, I just want to explain what is happening and why. It all feels a bit scary, I think I need to switch off and try to sleep. Otherwise I am going to have thoughts running through my head about the past and about now and about the hideous future when I will likely have to hand my baby over to this monster who wants it dead.

Must focus on sleep. Tomorrow there is the morning routine, walk to school, work for an hour then my gp. Tomorrow evening I have no teaching so I shall write my letters then. Small steps.

Bogeyface Tue 29-Jan-13 23:49:18

To answer your Q, yes it is possible to fall out of love that quickly.

But sometimes it can be a self protection reaction and then the wobble comes and it will, it has happened to us all, and I fell at that first fence sad . The wobble is when he says he will work at it and you are so frightened of what is to come that you agree. I did that. Please dont make the same mistake. I realised afterwards that it wasnt love that was coming back, it was grief that I was avoiding. Grief at the loss of what I thought I had, grief at the death of the man I thought I was married to, grief for the family my unborn would never have. I needed to go through that and I didnt. I cant tell you how much I regret that.

Write down now how you feel. Everything, to the tiniest detail. Everytime he says or does something or you think of something, write it down, put it on MN if you are not sure it would be safe in hard copy at home. And when you get your wobble, read it back. Excuse yourself if he is talking at to you and you feel yourself crumbling, and read that list.

Stay strong. It will be hard, it will be so fucking hard to keep saying no, but when you know thats what you must do, then do it.

I am thinking of you xxxx

Bogeyface Tue 29-Jan-13 23:50:33

That should be newborn, not unborn. Sorry!

ladyWordy Wed 30-Jan-13 00:05:30

Excellent post Bogeyface...

I hope you sleep, waves, and that your doctor's appointment brings help for you.

BinarySolo Wed 30-Jan-13 07:41:35

waves you are doing amazingly. There is so much dignity in your posts. I don't have any advice I can add, but I wanted to add my support. You have an army of mums here on mn horrified and outraged by his actions and ready to offer support.

Stay strong and take care of yourself.

Sunshinewithshowers Wed 30-Jan-13 09:06:37

Waves, Im going through very similar.

Im pregnant, he left last week, we were in the middle of buying a house, he told his ex he was single & many others.

I have slept on the sofa last night so I could leave the t.v on for company.
Im bloody scared, but we will get there.

Im still in shock & feel sick, I have found somewhere to live.

I wish you lots of strength & we will look back and be proud that we carried on with our heads held high xx

sunshine I am so sorry to hear that you are going through similar. I wish you lots of strength back thanks

Writing everything down is a good idea. I am worried that if he doesn't go I will fall into the let's try again trap, which I know would be disastrous. If I write it all down, then I have a reference point, to remind me of what he is really like. In an hour I am seeing my GP, and will tell her everything. I feel dreadful this morning - woke up, retched, had water, vomited. Have passed out once already, and had to let the children go to school themselves. To be fair it is about a 3 minute walk, and patrolled crossings for the 2 roads, and they have done it before, but I like walking to school with them, practising spellings in advance of tests etc. But today I feel so poorly I just couldn't.

When he left this morning, he said, let me know if the doctor signs you off and I won't take a half day to collect your DCs (mum is away and she usually has them after school so until then it has been a juggling act with family helping out some days, and the odd half day between us). He didn't say, let me know what the GP says about you, or if there are any further concerns over the blackouts etc. Just further evidence that he doesn't care at all. Which helps. It helps because it makes me dislike him even more, and lets me see more of his true self.

I am really trying to avoid thinking too far ahead, although I know I will have to at some stage. Things like the gigs I have to play at during the last 6 weeks or so, where he was going to help me get there, and set up, and then the giving birth, and then having a newborn at home. I need him to be gone by that stage. Well, I need him to be gone now.

And the silliest thing bothering me right now.....Cat poo. FFS. He had taken responsibility for emptying the cat litter tray since I got the BFP. I'll have to get rubber gloves and clothes pegs (for my nose) and get on with tackling that going forwards.

WingDefence Wed 30-Jan-13 09:41:34

Morning waves. I've not been able to stop thinking about you (in a non-stalkery way of course). I hope you slept okay last night and the GP appointment goes well this morning.

I wish there was something more I could do.

I know your mum's away but have you heard back from her?

And is the ex he's been texting the mum of his DCs? If so, it should make it easier for her to agree that they can't really come over at the moment? (But I suspect it's not the same person...)

smornintime Wed 30-Jan-13 09:41:49

Just found this waves - so sorry you are going through this. Hope you get some answers at the docs.

tiredteddy Wed 30-Jan-13 10:04:45

Good luck at the GP today. So brave of you. Writing things down does sound like a good way not to let yourself get sucked back in. Sending you love and wishing I was close enough to help.

aufaniae Wed 30-Jan-13 10:05:37

A couple of practical things in case it helps ...

My mortgage company gave me a mortgage holiday for maternity leave. Might be worth checking if yours does the same, could take a bit of the pressure off once the baby comes?

We live with lodgers by the way. Do you have a uni near you? We've had mature students living with us and it's worked well as they're there for a reason IYSWIM, and they leave at the end! It means none of them are there forever, so if you don't get on brilliantly with someone you don't have to think about whether to ask them to leave despite them not having done anything "wrong", you know they'll go soon enough anyway. We've mostly had really lovely ones though.

So sorry you're going through this.

CODwidow Wed 30-Jan-13 10:17:25

Just wanted to show my support, I hope the doctors appt goes well.

WingDefence Wed 30-Jan-13 10:22:20

olgaga (who wrote the info with the links, above, that I reposted) has got a blog with many more up-to-date links and invaluable advice here: Survive Separation Blog

I think it would help anyone going through this including Sunshinewithshowers.

cooper44 Wed 30-Jan-13 11:14:45

Hi Waves I also just wanted to offer support having just read your whole thread. What an utter shit.
I had a similar situation last summer at same stage of pregnancy although OH moved out as soon as I asked. And you're going to feel so much better when yours does the same.
Some practical stuff - my maternity team were Amazingly supportive when I told them what was going on. I was in a high risk group so in hospital all the time and they were in great all the way through even during delivery!
Not sure what your financial situation is but I'm on a reasonable income and now OH is no longer here I get an awful lot in tax credits. Look into anything you might be able to get as it all adds up
I second the mortgage holiday idea. Will give you breathing space.
And a lodger will be tax free with the rent a room scheme.
And one final thing. Your close friends will be totally supportive I'm sure. Mine has totally kept me sane through all this and they too though OH was a great guy!
Hope your GP was helpful. Getting the blackouts sorted has to be no 1 priority.
You sound amazingly strong. Now you just have to maintain that resolve. Every time I've had a wobble OH has done something so ridiculous that it keeps me on track!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 30-Jan-13 11:48:02

Checking in to see how Waves got on at GP's.

Wings even though olgaga compiled that list, still very thoughtful and helpful of you to look it up and copy it here.

oh waves, what a shit. "pick up YOUR DC" urgh.

How did you get on at the Doctor?

whosthis Wed 30-Jan-13 14:07:23

waves hope everything is fine with the GP.

Googol Wed 30-Jan-13 16:14:34

Make his life more uncomfortable by not doing any cooking, cleaning or washing for him. That's his concern now.

On the practical side photocopy any documents detailing his assests eg pension, savings, shares etc and make a note of his passport number and expiry date as you may need this in the future. Keep them at a trusted friends house so he can't get at them.

Is your DH predictable with his passwords? Just saying...

Lean on your friends and family for support during this tough time and look after yourself. Best of luck.

pansyflimflam Wed 30-Jan-13 16:45:42

All really good advice here and just wanted to say poor you and what a fucking bastard. When he realises life will be more uncomfy for him he might try and reconcile but you are right, the late abortion stuff is just chilling. Best of luck my love, I know people will fall over themselves to help you, you have done nothing wrong and don't be too proud to ask for help.

lunar1 Wed 30-Jan-13 16:48:44

Hope you are ok waves

Hi all, just a quick update as on my phone. Passed out at gp surgery and ended up being whisked to hospital by ambulance. I am now on a ward with a drip and have had 2 anti emetics. Not feeling sick at this precise moment which is a result. DCs are sat with me, DDs godmother got them from school and brought them here.

It does mean that I have to accept help from "d" h as I'm obviously not at home. So he is going to collect them from here and take them back. Have also asked him to bring me pyjamas et as hospital gowns are a bit yuk.

I didn't manage to talk to my gp about the marriage breakdown and stress, i fainted too soon into the appointment. My mum is back Saturday and ready to help as much as I need her which is lovely.

Not the day I imagined but apparently I am very dehydrated and low blood sugars so I am getting the treatment I need.

Will try to read thread properly now but a bit tricky on the phone. Super glad the ward has wifi!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 30-Jan-13 16:56:06

Take care Waves rest up and focus on yourself & pregnancy for now.

tiredteddy Wed 30-Jan-13 16:59:31

Glad you are being looked after at the hospital. Hope they manage to sort the blackouts permanently. Glad your mum is back soon x

LiveItUp Wed 30-Jan-13 17:02:39

Hey, you're in the best place to get you sorted. Hope your DC's ok with you in there though. Take care and get well. MN hug and thanks

wordyBird Wed 30-Jan-13 17:07:01

oh my, poor you. I hope they look after you well and find some answers. Take care and talk to us if you want to ... flowers

whosthis Wed 30-Jan-13 17:12:04

waves please think for nothing and nobody but yourself tonight. Other little arrangements matter less than your very wellbeing as it's for the tiny life in your tummy.

Therefore, please drink plenty of fluids and have a good meal as well as some decent sleep. Hope the ward offers a quiet environment.

Do you have some close friend to help out at this point of time? Don't hesitate to "bother' them, as they would very really happy to support you at this very moment.

ThePinkOcelot Wed 30-Jan-13 17:28:27

Hello Waves, glad you are getting the treatment you so obviously need. xx
I must say, I have read some stuff on this site, and your H is right up there with the shittiest I have read. What a total and utter twat! He doesn't deserve you, and is worse than something you could scrape off your shoe! Bastard!! Keep strong! xx
Have a lovely rest tonight.xx

mummytime Wed 30-Jan-13 17:35:03

Please do not be afraid to ask for help, even from people who aren't close friends. I would always do what I could to help in a crisis.

Concentrate on getting yourself well. I hope you have a peaceful night.

GaryBuseysTeeth Wed 30-Jan-13 18:05:10

So, so glad the GP (didn't have a choice!) did the right thing & you're in the right place.
Hope your DC's aren't too shaken to see you all dripped up in hospital.
Have a peaceful night xx

Tiggy114 Wed 30-Jan-13 18:14:17

Only just read this thread but please be well x

WingDefence Wed 30-Jan-13 18:16:16

Blimey waves - blue lights and everything?

I hope you manage to get some sleep on the ward. Please look after yourself and MiniWaves x

waves At least he will have to step up to help - at least until your Mum comes back at the weekend.

Hoping hospital get to the bottom of your black outs and get you well again.

Charbon Wed 30-Jan-13 18:28:11

So very glad you are in safe hands OP.

AThingInYourLife Wed 30-Jan-13 18:46:56

I'm so glad you are safe and well. I was quite worried about your health and keen to hear you were OK.

Thanks for the update smile

Jux Wed 30-Jan-13 18:51:58

Glad you're being looked after.

Your h is a selfish, cowardly twunt. He needs to leave the house asap. It's what he wanted a few days ago, the twat! I suppose he expected you to put up a big fight and to spend the rest of your life appeasing him, and the fact you haven't has made him stick his heels in.

I'm sure you can get him to leave fairly quickly, once you're recovered and get to a solicitor to get the ball rolling.

There really are some dickheads about, aren't there?

FriskyBivalves Wed 30-Jan-13 18:52:06

What a relief to find yourself in hospital, Waves. I hope you find some peace and respite there from your worries and troubles. Time for someone else to look after you smile.

Can we assume that the GP has written you a stonking medical certificate that ensures you don't have to worry about your work and your boss for the time being?!

smornintime Wed 30-Jan-13 20:38:42

Blimey! Hope you're getting a decent rest and feel better quickly.

I am looking forward to feeling better so I have more energy to deal with everything. Will be on fluids overnight, and seeing the consultant again in the morning. He came round this evening to order an injection sad because my haemoglobin levels were too high, probably because of the dehydration. So I have had something to prevent clotting injected into my tummy. Ouch....

He came up this evening - it was weird. He'd brought me pyjamas, and magazines, and stayed a long time. Eventually i said "I appreciate you coming here with my things, but it doesn't change anything. I meant what I said yesterday. More than anything when I found out you were researching late abortions, all the love I had in my heart for you was completely frozen. I don't love you anymore, and I want you to move out" I just couldn't cope with him being, well, normal, and here, and in anyway assuming that the drama of today has pushed me back to him.

I don't think I have a sick note - my GP seemed more shaken than me at the surgery, I was moved straight to an empty nurse's room until the ambulance crew came along and took me out on a stretcher blush I'll speak to the consultant about that tomorrow. DD was pretty upset, but they both did their homework with me. She didn't want to leave, and asked if she could sleep on the floor here. Bless her.

I'm going to try to sleep now, as I'll be having blood pressure taken and fluids changed in the night. Hospital beds aren't the comfiest. Thanks again to you all - once I am home I shall start properly reading the tips and advice and get my head a little more around all of this.

lalalonglegs Wed 30-Jan-13 21:36:53

waves I salute you for what you said to your husband. You are my hero - I don't know how you manage to think so clearly feeling rubbish from a hospital bed [trophy]

Get some rest.

whosthis Wed 30-Jan-13 21:44:18

Get proper rest tonight, waves . Only when you are well again, you would have the energy and the clear mind to think things through. Leave it for now and just go to sleep.

Bless you and your DCs.

WingDefence Wed 30-Jan-13 22:03:27

Sleep well waves.

Jux Wed 30-Jan-13 22:12:22

Waves, what a marvellous person you are. Your childen are seriously lucky to have you as a role model, and your h is a tosspot. What an excellent thing to say to him, and you being so unwell, too. If he hangs around he'll just dilute the superb influence you have over your children! I wish more people were like you. The world would be a much better place.

Sleep well. Hope you're feeling better in the morning.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Wed 30-Jan-13 22:55:58

Well done Waves, your doing so well, i hope the reality of what hes done is eating him up, you deserve so much better, and i doubt all the begging and crying in the world could change whats been done, thats if he feels sorry at all.

Bogeyface Thu 31-Jan-13 00:18:06

Waves, well done you smile

You are being so strong and to have said what you did at that time shows immense strength.

What did he say? Lots of uhmming and ahhing and excuses I bet!

I don't feel particularly strong, and people saying I am makes me feel like a fraud. I am so so scared about bringing this baby into the world alone, about long term things and even the fact that I have a heap of legal and financial matters to confront.

Tears just suddenly start rolling out of my eyes. I feel so sad.

duende Thu 31-Jan-13 07:44:08

Morning waves, I can hold your hand for a while if you wish?
I'm sure you will do fabulously, but I understand you are scared. I'm a worrier and do often panic about the future. Pregnancy makes this worse, even with a supporting partner, let alone without. Look after yourself. I'm very glad your mum is coming back on Saturday. You definitely deserve some tlc.

ScubaSarah Thu 31-Jan-13 07:44:24

Being scared and tearful and being strong aren't mutually exclusive waves. Strong is standing up to DH despite being scared. Strong is protecting your DCs despite being scared. Strong is standing by your guns to kick him to the kerb no matter how much it hurts cos you know it's the right thing to do. You may not feel it, but you are strong - have faith in yourself and cut yourself a little slack thanks

tiredteddy Thu 31-Jan-13 07:46:46

waves of course you feel sad that us natural. I think we all feel your brave because you are saying out loud to you DH what needs to be said and not backing down. Hope you feel a bit better in the morning.

olgaga Thu 31-Jan-13 08:09:47

Waves I have just read the whole thing, so sad for you. Scuba is right - go easy on yourself. Read some of your previous posts and see how incredibly strong you have been through this, holding it all together, despite practically running on empty. Hardly surprising you are in hospital - I'm just pleased you're getting the care you need.

Won't be long now until your mum is back.

Hey waves! Good morning to you, sorry you're feeling so sad. Hospitals aren't the cheeriest places to wake up, so you'll probably feel better once you get home.

I know you are scared about bringing this baby into the world alone, but you can only do one step at a time, and you have spoken to your h now, so that's one step done!

Try to go easy on yourself. Hope you feel better soon. And hope seeing you in hospital made your h feel like a heel.

Kittenkatzen Thu 31-Jan-13 08:30:29

Oh my goodness waves I've only just come across this thread and am speechless that your "d"h could do this. In fact the more I think about it the more I'm actually, genuinely LIVID on your behalf angryangry

You've had lots of brilliant advice already so I don't have anything practical to add right now but just wanted to offer support, hugs and handholding for you from another familiar face.

Oh and one other thing - you are fucking amazing, and don't you DARE let anyone (including yourself) tell you otherwise. Look after you, your baby and your DCs, and that is all!


Good morning Waves. I'm imagining you waking up this morning in your hospital bed, and although we've not "met" before I just wish I wad there with you at your bedside to offer you a huge un-mumsnetty hug.

I've just read all of your thread with tears in my eyes. It's not often I'm moved to make contact like this but I just want to add my name to the gang of supporters who will be cheering you on.

If you're dehydration and low blood sugar, they could be signs of some inadvertent srlf-neglect (which is entirely in keeping with your awful circumstances and all that you've got on your plate). You sound like a real "coper" but I think it's come to a crunchpoint now, where things can't go on as they are and you'll now hopefully get the help and support you need.

It doesn't have to be your GP who signs you off, the ward doctor can provide a sick cert. You must be very honest either everyone about all you're having to contend with, and stop putting on a brave face. No health professional or decent manager in their right mind would expect a poorly pregnant woman with 2 dcs, a recent hospitalisation and marital breakdown to continue going in to work. Noone.

I work with very acutely unwell people, who have become that way due to an overload of stressors and to much "coping".

Whatever happens, give yourself a rest now, before you end up in that kind of scenario.

You sound lovely and amazing. You'll be ok. I promise. But just be very kind to yourself right now.

Not long now until your DM comes to look after you. Sending you all my love and hugs <bollocks to the mn rules!> thanks thanks thanks brew

Apologies for all of the on my phone with a very noisy DS in background and for some reason can't view what Im typing.

I hope my message was vaguely legible and made sense, in spite of the gibberish wink

WingDefence Thu 31-Jan-13 08:39:22

Morning waves.

"Strong is standing up to DH despite being scared. Strong is protecting your DCs despite being scared."
^ ^ this.

You're going to go through stages of grief for your relationship, sadness, anger, righteous ROARING, happiness (yes I'm sure) and everything in between. And that's without being pregnant and the hormones going crazy.

I hope the consultant gives you some good news and baby is okay too brew

Sunshinewithshowers Thu 31-Jan-13 08:55:01


Guiltypleasures001 Thu 31-Jan-13 08:59:48

Morning Waves,

Hope you are feeling s little more settled this morning,

I just wanted to pop in to say just take one thing at a time, your health and the baby and your children are whats important, hopefully this will have shaken him to back off of you a bit, if only it making him look like an even bigger shit than he already is.

i wouldnt make any huge decisions until you have too, wait for your mum to get back, and ill assume she will come back swinging for him. Gather all those who can and will support you around, and if poss let them take the strain for a while.

When you feel more up to it, make a plan of action and only deal with what is most urgent.

Rest up Waves, were all rooting for you x

SpanielFace Thu 31-Jan-13 10:11:17

Morning Waves,

I just wanted to say that I've just read the full post, and you are being amazingly strong. I don't have anything further to add than all the wise words others have spoken, but just remember that you're doing the right thing. Loads of people are rooting for you. I'm sure the hospital doctor could sign you off work, and I would make sure that they do so. You need to eat, drink, & sleep. That's what matters at the moment, never mind work. Take care of yourself. x

Cailinsalach Thu 31-Jan-13 13:54:44

Chin up Waves. How are you feeling today? Have the extra fluids perked you up?

Emotional stress has a huge impact on your health without factoring in a pregnancy too. Your DH has said the most cruel and abusive thing he possibly could in your condition. I cannot find words to express just how wicked he is.

Many couples (or individual partners) find themselves having a not entirely wished for pregnancy, and they just get on with it, offer mutual support and love and prepare to welcome a new life into a loving home. He has only said hurtful words, withdrawn support and left the marriage when you are at an extremely vulnerable point in your life. He is low, very very low.

Things will work out for you. All will be well and all manner of things will be well.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 31-Jan-13 15:05:00

Good afternoon Waves hoping you are better today, let the tears come and get it all out. Very glad your Mum will be home at the weekend.

whosthis Thu 31-Jan-13 16:15:52

Hi waves , please focus on the present.moment first. Get your health back on track. I trust you are a very intelligent woman and you know you.need have a list of plan but only organised by a timelime. It's an extremely unpleasant situation and not many can deal with it. But you will, only steps by steps. It will take time, but you know at the end.of the page of this plan, you will see hope and regain confidence for future again.

Now, you get yourself healthy and physically strong again, that's Step 1.

We and yourself know you can make it.and you have to, for your DCs and for yourself. Hugs~

Dahlen Thu 31-Jan-13 16:41:47

I'm late coming to this and I don't have anything useful to add to what's already been said, but couldn't just click off the thread. Waves I think you've acted with an incredible amount of integrity, honesty and resilience - which is staggering in the face of such callous behaviour from your H, and even more so when you've been so physically vulnerable in addition. You are amazing. And while you might not feel strong, you are. It feels hard because you are a caring, warm and empathetic human being. Your consideration for your H's sons is lovely, for example. IF you found it easy it would be because you were a cold, disengaged sociopath. The fact that you are able to behave like this despite finding it so hard is what makes you strong.

AbsintheMinded Thu 31-Jan-13 18:30:58

Hi Waves. Hope you are getting good care there and that they find out how to stop those blackouts.

I also wanted to say that I think you are amazing and so so strong.

I was listening to another person telling me about a situation in work today, they had to come down hard on somebody who was fleecing the company. I had only read the first half of this thread and I asked "did they accuse you of snooping?" And he said "yes, they said I had no right to be going through their work". ~ seems to be a trend in lowlifes.
Your H is a complete shit and I'm glad you are not taking it from him.

ThePinkOcelot Thu 31-Jan-13 21:21:41

Hi Waves, thinking of you xx

Jux Thu 31-Jan-13 22:39:56

Hi Waves, hope you get a good rest, tonight.

olgaga Thu 31-Jan-13 22:44:52

Hope you are getting the care you need and not feeling too much stress Waves. Sometimes you just have to step back and put yourself first - hope things are manageable. x

ScubaSarah Fri 01-Feb-13 07:28:22

Morning waves hope you're doing better today and starting to feel healthier. thanks

Shellylou82 Fri 01-Feb-13 07:54:23

Just wanted to send love and positive thoughts!! Hope your mum gives him hell when she gets back for hurting you like this! If it were my daughter I'd throw all that 'don't get involved and let them sort it themselves' stuff out of the window and tear strips off him! lots of love and take care xxsmile

just checking to see how you are today waves?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 01-Feb-13 14:38:50

Still holding hand, take care.

whosthis Fri 01-Feb-13 15:29:17

Hello waves hope the doctors are helping and you are getting better.

Jux Fri 01-Feb-13 15:51:01

Hi Waves, how are you?

FairPhyllis Fri 01-Feb-13 16:50:25

Just come across this thread and I very much hope you are getting better.

Sometimes I think that the Relationships section should have an annual 'Colossal Bastard of the Year' award - and in this case I think your H would already have it sewn up for 2013.

You sound fantastic and your children are very lucky to have you as a mum.

Hi everyone, sorry for the period of radio silence. I'm still in hospital, although off the drip on a trial basis. Really, really hoping to be allowed out this evening as my DCs are missing me so much, and I am missing them too sad

It is making everything hideously confused in terms of the notsoDH situation. He has been looking after the children, and took yesterday off work and came and sat with me all day. I felt awkward. I again said, I meant what I said about you needing to leave, especially as you have shown no remorse or understanding that your actions were in any wrong. He said "but I apologised for upsetting you" He also said, "oh waves of course we aren't splitting up, we are staying together. You need to remember who wears the trousers in this relationship". Even started talking about when a few credit cards and loans are paid off we can afford for me to quit my job and just do my teaching and performing and then I can stay at home with the baby.

See, he hasn't apologised for what he DID, he has made it about MY feelings, and is, reading between the lines, suggesting I have overreacted. He thinks he has done no wrong. And then comes out with lines about wearing the trousers, and me giving up my job. He is trying to take the power back I think.

Later in the evening he called and said "what would you do without me". Today he has made it easier for me to avoid the "wavering" as he texted to check I was coming out as he has a works do (free drinks type thing). I am cross about this because:

(a) before I was hospitalised I was meant to be playing a gig tonight, and he was going to stay in with the DCs whilst I was doing that, so wasn't going anyway
(b) I only cancelled the gig yesterday when it became clear I wasn't going to be well enough
(c) if he actually wanted to make amends, wouldn't a DECENT man be wanting to be at home with his wife, and making sure she was looked after rather than going out on the piss?

Red flags everywhere. Not that I need anymore. And part of the reason I think it was so easy to make my mind up, is that he has been acting in such a mean, and distant fashion for months now, and has not once become excited, really excited about the baby, that I have, maybe subconsciously, been coming to the decision that he needs to leave for some time.

Anyway, I am NOT going to become waversandsmiles I am going to remain waves. Mum is back tomorrow, and is really keen to help. He still maintains that he is not moving out, and so maybe I will have to. I am going to be off work for a few weeks, and will take the time, as soon as I feel strong enough, to get legal advice on what happens if I move out.

I am sad, really, really sad. He knows my past, and what happened with exH. He knew my 2 previous pregnancies were so unhappy because of exH's behaviour, and when we started ttc he promised that this would be such a happy time, and our chance to bring a child into a really happy family. He was a big liar.

Oh, and the one thing I did, after a suggestion WAY upthread, back on Tuesday night, was text OW, I asked for no reply, just said I was the wife, and that I thought her texting in such a way, and encouraging it all was completely inappropriate, given I am 14 weeks pg, and that I had asked him to leave following discovering those exchanges, and the late abortion research. I got a hideous text back, in which I was told I was inappropriate for texting intimate relationship details, and that if I was trying to warn her he "was a wanker, well guess what, I already know, and I still love him to bits"

So, that just left me feeling totally meh.

Gah, I am fed up, stuck on my own in hospital, desperate to get home but also dreading going home and trying to find the strength to sort this out, and work out quickly what the living arrangements will be.

I know I need to stop engaging with him, it is hurting me. But I am ill, and full of hormones, and I don't have a pad of paper here so I can't start writing everything down. He is a bad, cruel man. Repeat ad infinitum.

Sorry, that was an essay rather than an update. Hand holding still needed....

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 01-Feb-13 17:10:19

What a hero he is hmm either a massive back pedal or pure theatre for anyone looking in.

OW sounds a peach too. angry

I don't see why you and DCs should move out of your home to accommodate him and her. So glad your mum is coming to help out.

happyhev Fri 01-Feb-13 17:15:10

Waves I am very impressed with how strong you are being. It sounds as though your DH is not at all pleased that you are taking control of your life.

AThingInYourLife Fri 01-Feb-13 17:27:29

"You need to remember who wears the trousers in this relationship". Even started talking about when a few credit cards and loans are paid off we can afford for me to quit my job and just do my teaching and performing and then I can stay at home with the baby."

Jesus shock

Thank god you see that for the abusers power grab it is.

ScubaSarah Fri 01-Feb-13 17:37:45

What a twunt he repeatedly shows himself to be!! Still holding your hand here thanks

BinarySolo Fri 01-Feb-13 17:43:08

Who wears the trousers in the relationship? FFS what a total knob jockey!

He sounds worried tbh. Worried that you have more power and control over this situation than he does. He's right to be worried. You being strong and not begging him to stay is probably unnerving him too.

Does he know that you texted his ow? They sound made for each other. Neither have morals and both feel outrage when they're caught out. How dare she tell you your text was inappropriate? She sounds rather stupid if she genuinely knows what he likes yet still wants him.

LiveItUp Fri 01-Feb-13 17:46:11

Hand holding from here too. So glad you are feeling better and all well with baby.

Don't move out. You said that is your forever home, for you and your DC's. Once you are back there and on your feet and living in it as if he has gone (no cooking / washing etc etc) he will soon realise he can't bamboozle you back into his plans (which seem to have changed pretty quickly since just last week confused). He has an OW waiting in the wings, he'll head off when he gets the picture.

I am astounded by his cheek!

He is a Barse not an arse, its worse than that. angry

holding your hand.

MarinaIvy Fri 01-Feb-13 18:02:03

I'm with the 'don't move out, make him do it' crowd.

waves, you're amazing. And I hope you know any of us would IRL hand-hold if we were there. thanks

Look after yourself and keep us posted!

Charbon Fri 01-Feb-13 18:04:41

Good lord what an absolutely awful man this is. The sense of entitlement is just staggering.

I do hope you will feel strong enough soon to say that of course you won't be staying with him and of course he must leave.

The text exchange with the OW proves that this is very much an ongoing affair. This may have been covered upthread, but have you asked the hospital to give you some sexual screening tests so that you and the baby are able to be treated if an infection is detected? This is very important.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 01-Feb-13 18:13:08

He maintains he is not moving out - so he drops a bomb on you, and his OW is skulking around and he has the brass neck to try and brazen things out. If you only bought the house last October and were ttc it seems very fast for things to have gone downhill. He must have either already been fooling around or thinking about it. I'm sorry. I do agree with good advice to ask for a health check in case he has passed something on to you.

Pendipidy Fri 01-Feb-13 18:15:20

Are you sure you don't want to give things another go ?

whosthis Fri 01-Feb-13 18:16:03

Holding your hands~ brew brew

I can't believe a woman would reply with such a text msg. Basically, they probably deserve each other. But this would really help you see him clearer as well. Who knows how he pictured you in front of this OW and perhaps more somewhere else...

Seek more help from you mum please, less from him. I understand it's quite a personal thing, but if you have one.or two trusted friends, IT IS THE TIME TO LET.THEM HELP YOU THROUGH , especially the parts to handle in real life. Some extra hands, some support and some ideas.

You will go through it, but please don't keep everything on your shoulder. It needs to be done nicely, as extra fewer troubles as possible.

Hold your hands - Please be strong.

Kittenkatzen Fri 01-Feb-13 18:17:35

Holy Christmas waves "you need to remember who wears the trousers" shock has he completely lost the plot???

Agree with the pp who said he sounds worried...and worry crossed with arrogance isn't looking like such a hot combination is it? Stay strong waves and keep control, you're doing brilliantly. So glad your mum will be back tomorrow to offer support. If only you were near me, I'd be there in a flash to help of could and to give nobhead a slap

Really hope you get to go home to your DCs tonight x

whosthis Fri 01-Feb-13 18:21:44

By the way, please keep the text message from that OW, good evidence!

Tiggy114 Fri 01-Feb-13 18:28:13

Just to add, please don't move out till you've spoken to a solicitor. My friend is in a similar situation and has been advised to not move out of the marital home or she'll lose alot of rights to her share of the house and possesions in it. Ut's terrible coz he won't leave and is sleeping on the sofa. But solicitor said she must not move out. Stick it out till the assets are decided in court or wherever they do it. So please seek legal advice asap. Friends hubby tried to say they could work it out and keep her hanging on. What he was realky doing was pretending to sort things to keep her happy whilst he saw a solicitor behind her back to try and get possesions and savings into his dads name so she couldn't get to them. Even though you're stressed and sad at the moment, don't let your oh play this trick on you. Seek legal advice as soon as your well enough.

ScubaSarah Fri 01-Feb-13 18:31:48

pendipity you're joking, right?!

Illustrated Fri 01-Feb-13 18:39:09

I've just sent you a message, hope you don't mind.

GeordieCherry Fri 01-Feb-13 18:47:55

"What would you do without me?" shock

Please please say to him "Let's find out shall we?" with a devilish wink he won't be expecting

He's some prize feckin eejit...

I've been reading since you first posted but nothing useful to add. Just adding my name to the very long list of Waves cheerleaders. Go on that woman!

OW is a classic example of someone who thinks they can change someone 'just by loving them enough'. They deserve each other

whosthis Fri 01-Feb-13 18:50:46

Tiggy That sounds horrible to your friend. But yes, i wouldn't be surprised if that's what waves' H trying to do at the moment. It is too much an attitude change from the other day or even the past few months!

Hissy Fri 01-Feb-13 19:00:33

You have a long and happy future ahead of him, twunt free.

OW needs to be VERY careful what she wishes for.

Detach lovely waves, bin the pair of them, tell him you're not being discharged, so he has to cancel his evening, and do what suits you, when it suits you.

If he says about you lying to him about the discharge, say to him that you thought that the relationship is now all based on lies, so what does it matter what lies you tell him...

If he doesn't like it... He can Fuck off to th far side of scummy Fuck. He'll know he's there when he sees the OW.

Horrified at his behaviour.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Fri 01-Feb-13 19:09:25

I would really like him and OW to read this thread so i can tell them

I hope he gets a severe and permanent bout of Cock Rot.
I hope she falls to down to earth on her nasty behind, because she will one day.

WingDefence Fri 01-Feb-13 19:25:25

Sodding hell waves shock And that's not just at your H's "trousers" comment (which sounds somehow like a threat to me) but that bloody text from the OW.

So, so sad for you. But this pregnancy will be better than the others because you already have two amazing DCs who think the world of you and who will be there for you, just as you've been there for them. Obviously they won't give you the sort of help and support your DM and friends can give you, but I'm sure their unconditional love will give you strength throughout this. thanks

tribpot Fri 01-Feb-13 19:32:35

I cannot believe the cheek of this fucker. "Who wears the trousers", is he having a bloody larf?

please don't be swayed by misplaced guilt about him caring for your dc, he's their step-father. Get well soon.

wordyBird Fri 01-Feb-13 19:45:36

Oh waves. flowers <handhold>

I want to echo what Tiggy114 said re legal advice, and whosthis:
but if you have one.or two trusted friends, IT IS THE TIME TO LET.THEM HELP YOU THROUGH
... Yes, please call on your Mum and ANYONE who can help you.

You must get this sociopath out of your life as fast as you can. Let people help, you don't have to do this alone.

Hi, I am out of hospital - DD was in floods of tears at the prospect of me having to stay in and so I begged convinced the nurses to call my consultant who agreed to discharge me on the condition I get straight back if I have as much vomiting and start to get dehydrated.

Mum is back tomorrow lunchtime, and set to help with the DCs and I am going to be brave and ask some other people for help. I'm not the sort of person who does that - I am usually the helper so in itself, that will be a challenge.

I heed the legal advice and won't be moving out. I'm not really in any state to do so and it wouldn't be fair to disrupt the DCs further. I'll also have to speak to the midwives about screening - how hideous would it be if I have been given a disease as well as all this heartache? Only way to get rid of that worry is to find out, so I will get on with organising that sad

pendipity of course, a tiny part of me wants to give things another go. This is after all the man I fell completely in love with me, became my best friend and with whom I wanted to bring a baby into the world. But he has completely frozen my heart, and even since discovering what he has been up to, he has made no real effort to salvage things, or redeem himself. All he has done is try to play power games.

So, the reason I need handholding is that there is a part of me that wants to wake up from this nightmare and to go back to my happy ever after life. But it is not a nightmare, it is real life, and I need to stay strong, remain resolved, and keep myself, my DCs and the baby healthy. DD is in bed, and sending DS up now (avoiding stairs as much as possible) and then I am off to try to sleep some more!

Bogeyface Fri 01-Feb-13 20:18:37

Can I be a bitch? Just for a minute?

I am sure that your STI tests will come back clear, and when they do I would be inclined to text BOTH of them and tell them that thanks to them you have a nice case of (insert STI of choice here, preferably one with nasty tests involved) and that they need to get checked out.

And then when they have been, tell them that "oh, I had a letter apologising that they had my results mixed up with someone with the same name as me, so you didnt need to go at all!".

Now, non bitch head on.

Take care of yourself, allow anyone who will help to help and be kind to yourself. You didnt do anything wrong and you have every right to ask for what you need.

Whereabouts are you? I am near Derby and if I can help, then let me know even if its just for a chat. I have a brand spanking new washing machine, so am happy to help with laundry if you need it! smile

SlatternismyMiddlename Fri 01-Feb-13 20:23:05

I just wanted to delurk to say that I cannot believe how strong and resilient you are being in the face of such adversity.

Please look after yourself, mini waves and your DCs. Everything else will get sorted out in time.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 01-Feb-13 20:39:28

Think you are a lot further south than Dorset etc but please don't be embarrassed to ask for help from friends. You would do all you could for friends in similar circumstances if they called in favours.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 01-Feb-13 20:47:54

Derby not Dorset.

tiredteddy Fri 01-Feb-13 21:02:21

So glad you ate out. Hold your dc close. They love you and your baby you are a family together regardless of what's happening. They will comfort you and you them. Your mum is nearly back. Talk ti your friends let people help. It gets easier to ask once you've asked the first one. Do go straight back to hospital if you get so I'll again. Sleep well x

Undertone Fri 01-Feb-13 21:05:07

God. That text from the OW. I imagine you felt more than 'meh' about it. Don't be angry at her though - pity her. Stay focused on being angry at that festering cockstapler. He did this.

I know it wouldn't be a sensible thing to do but if the need arises I would happily be part of a picket line camped on your front lawn to jeer and pickle him every time he slimed his way through the front door.

I would wave a big sign i made and everything. It would say "you are shit" or maybe "every woman in the universe except for that messed up skank thinks you are revolting and hates you" but that's quite long.

Undertone Fri 01-Feb-13 21:07:15

Pickle? HECKLE that was meant to be.

Could pickle him though. And keep him on display in the Natural History Museum as "total belming dickwad" exhibit A.

Bogeyface Fri 01-Feb-13 21:11:45

but that's quite long.

That really made me laugh!

Can I join the picket line?

Undertone Fri 01-Feb-13 21:23:22

Only if you make a sign!

Shellylou82 Fri 01-Feb-13 21:23:59

Me too, I'll join. can I bring the kids though? still sending lots of positive thoughts waves xxx

WingDefence Fri 01-Feb-13 21:32:10

I'd be up for pickling the git as well angry

Soooo glad you're out waves. Please take care of yourself my dear.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Fri 01-Feb-13 21:35:28

I'll join too and pelt, dirty nappies at him when he walks past.

waves if you want to say where you are, or which county I am sure there are some locals who will happily help you out.

Glad you are out of hospital, stay well.

And I will join the picket line and contact his DM your MIL to tell her what a pathetic piece of shit she has reared!

GaryBuseysTeeth Fri 01-Feb-13 21:43:54

Glad they've let you out waves, hope you're not going to be back in there anytime soon, have they written all over your notes about the relationship state & that you might want extra support?

Hope having your Mum home tomorrow helps, have a peaceful weekend.

whosthis Fri 01-Feb-13 22:22:11

waves , there are lots of emotion there and more would come. But try to put things under control, including how much emotionally you are prepared to put in. It's not easy to control, but one thing perhaps is worth keeping in mind: Don't let the negative thoughts consume you and please keep in mind things will be sorted out.

Have a good sleep tonight.

My sign in my right hand would say:

"A beautiful strong PREGNANT woman and a selfish CHEATING bastard live here"

and the sign in my right hand would say:

"Honk if you think the cock lodger should leave!"

Then I would get everyone I know to drive past whilst honking like a flock of geese. Public censure always seems to matter to arrogant bastards.

As for "What would you do without me?" - "Live a happy, peaceful life that doesn't include a selfish, cheating twat. Bye!"

Jux Sat 02-Feb-13 02:02:36

Honk honk!

I'll stand on the corner with another sign exhorting people to honk, or selling rotten veg to be thrown at him until he goes off with his little floozy.

Who wears the bloody trousers, indeed. Only arsewipes use that phrase.

Have you a bell which you can ring when you need something? I recommend every half hour. When he gets there, you may find you are so tired that you can't remember what it is you wanted, but you think you'll just have a doze now, can you plump my pillows MrTotalTwunt? Tell him you can't wait to tell your mum how wonderfully he's looking after you, and then run him ragged.

Jux Sat 02-Feb-13 02:06:34

Actually, every 15 minutes is kinder to him, as he won't really have time to sit down and relax in between. It will also help him lose weight and strengthen his leg muscles. Which he will need when the MN Coven arrive on your doorstep with placards, veg and very loud voices.

I sometimes wish we still had stocks in town squares. So much fun to be had!

Hesterton Sat 02-Feb-13 05:58:52

This man is appalling. How dare he assume not one but two women 'know he's a wanker but love him to bits anyway'. I have rarely felt such evil thoughts towards a cheater on here as I do for those who willingly agree to have a baby then change their mind after a month or two of the pregnancy. And then think you could possibly still want him?

He is a wanker.

He deserves no-one but the OW probably does deserve a bit of him for being such a pathetic little cow. She has the massive advantage over you at the start of your relationship because she already KNOWS he's a wanker but she STILL WANTS HIM! Masochistic or what.

You poor thing... but thank goodness you found out what an utter self-deluded dick he is before you wasted 20 years with him. Wears the tousers indeed.

Stay strong.

Glad your mum is coming over. Look after yourself.

Abitwobblynow Sat 02-Feb-13 06:25:01

Reply to OW:

'that is too beautiful. When are you going to get him out of my house?'

AThingInYourLife Sat 02-Feb-13 07:55:49

"since discovering what he has been up to, he has made no real effort to salvage things, or redeem himself. All he has done is try to play power games."

No, he was already playing power games - that's how you found out about the cheating and the late abortion research.

Read your OP again in the light of what you know now.

"If he wants to separate, which he has said will be the case if our plan to improve things doesn't work, I really have no idea what will happen."

What the "plan to improve things"?

What hoops was he asking you to jump through to keep him there?

He didn't wait long after you got pregnant to start using your increased vulnerability to attempt to control and bully you.

I suspect he researched the late abortions because he imagined throwing that idea into the mix in a few weeks would ratchet up your upset and confusion.

But he wants you pregnant - he thinks he has you over a barrel now.

Stupid fucker totally underestimated you.

He thought your previous shitty treatment meant you would put up with more shit from him.

That you are so unwell and so strong at the same time is as surprising to him as it is impressive to us.

Keep going, wavesand smile

Anniegetyourgun Sat 02-Feb-13 08:13:57

Well he did wear the trousers, until he decided to take them off in the wrong house.

Alternative text response to OW: "Good luck with that, because he's all yours now".

tiredteddy Sat 02-Feb-13 09:17:06

How were things at home last night waves did he go out? Sleep on the sofa? I hope you got dome rest and your dc are reassured to have you back.

Midwife99 Sat 02-Feb-13 09:18:28

I am a latecomer to this thread but also want to offer my support & also reassure you that your community midwife will be keen to do all she can to help. Also that can I suggest you read Chocoraisin's threads? She was in the same position as you this time last year & is an inspiration to us all.
4 years ago I was pg with a planned baby with my new husband & we both had previous DCs. He didn't have an affair but was texting his married cousin who he had had a fling with before we met & she was encouraging him to leave me. He was regularly saying it was all a mistake & he didn't love me & then doing a u turn. It was a nightmare for the next 3 years & we separated last spring. We spent 3 months apart & he has spent the last 6 months after realising what he wants slowly rebuilding our relationship. We still live apart but there is a future. However, he needed that time away so realise what he wants & so I now wish I had been as strong as you & sent him on his way when he started messing me about. If you waver now he will do what my H did & keep you on tenterhooks & feeling insecure for years. It was exhausting. Don't whatever you do let him be in a position where he "wears the trousers" & give up your job. You need to be independent & not reliant on him.

whosthis Sat 02-Feb-13 09:21:54

It comes up to me that perhaps playing a small game can help to remove this man ftom the house.

Stick to the plan with H, making it clear that it's the end of this relationship and you want him out. But you might want to inform that OW the other version of what's going to happen: Tell her you and H decided to give it another go and for the sake of the baby you accepted the apologies from H and would stay together. And you still love him and blah blah.

The trick is, imagine what that man would otherwise say to that OW? He would say, you are splitting but to secure the financial side of his interest he has to play a game with you and stay in with you for a while.

If that OW is jealous enough to not trust what he says and doubt his commitment to her, she might give him trouble and urge him to leave the house as quickly as possible.

lalalonglegs Sat 02-Feb-13 10:47:50

Hi waves - I hope being home hasn't been too stressful and you have managed to rest. I would recommend not playing games or engaging with the OW but simply making it perfectly clear to H that the marriage is over and you expect him to move out. Get your mum around there as much as possible to make the atmosphere completely hostile towards him, have friends popping around often too and, when you have recovered physically, go and see a solicitor to find out if there is a way of having him removed.

Good luck.

Midwife99 Sat 02-Feb-13 10:58:59

I also advise against game playing. Just rise above the twunts & be a good mum & you will get through this

Hi, I'm curled up in my own bed which is lovely. My cat is snuggled up with me which is cosy. I'm not going to engage at all with OW. She is not remotely the sort of person I want to be involved with or waste any time on at all. Much as I may get some brief pleasure from game playin or mind fuckery, in all honesty I want to rise above it and save my energy for getting through this horrible hyperemesis and them for working towards a practical resolution with a solicitor.

Am quite convinced that the twunt is just playing games. All the threats about leaving have just been his twisted way to break me. Which is disgraceful, given how vulnerable I am.

I shall definitely be having my mum, friends, family round lots and lots though, it will help me and the DCs and also make the twunt feel like he has less of a hold on me (and hopefully bloody uncomfortable too)

All the comments re picket lines really made me laugh, so thanks to everyone for the practical advice, and also for making me smile.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sat 02-Feb-13 12:40:01

Great positive attitude waves nice to think of you smiling. Take it easy.

Midwife99 Sat 02-Feb-13 13:00:19

Any man who wants to "break" a pregnant woman deserves nothing. I am happy to send you my copy of "Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry & controlling men" by Lundy Bancroft. It shows you how they reel you in & then once you are in a vulnerable position revert to type.

Of course he is playing games. The first game was 'happy families' the second game was 'lets make a baby' the last game was 'not sure about baby' then he moved on, chatted up some OW and told you to 'be the little woman again'

He wants his cake and to eat it too. But you are stronger than he thinks, so good for you!

whosthis Sat 02-Feb-13 14:15:55

Sorry waves , I should have know to be engaged in any game is only undermine you. Sorry, just a silly thought because I am so eager to help you get that man out of your house!

But you are so brilliant: to have your mum, friends, family round would do the job! I would imagine he would be ashamed to even find a place to stand. (as a normal approach...)

Please feel relaxed and enjoy the DCs around you. Focus on yourself and them right now!

fuckadoodlepoopoo Sat 02-Feb-13 14:38:28

How long had you been together op. It must be such a shock to have the man suddenly turn out to be so different to how you fault.

With hindsight do you think there were signs that he was so morally void? Just interested.

Its amazing that he can act as though he has done nothing wrong despite the fact that he's been clearly shagging someone else. Does he even admit it? Or said sorry? Or explained why? Or said its over? Or anything?


Jux Sat 02-Feb-13 14:51:14

Game playing will generally come back to bite you, particularly with a seasoned player as an opponent.

Keep your integrity.

May I suggest you have no further contact with OW? That too, is a dangerous path to tread, and you have no idea how anything you say to her may be used against you in the future. You cannot trust him now, his actions, his words, nothing can be taken at face value.

Use the people around you for support, and any agencies available - midwife is right, these people are there to help you. Accept help and support from everyone you trust, and ignore those you don't. Let off steam here too, we are all here to help you.

Wanky, sodding tosspot, twating wanky git!!! angry


Ormiria put it so well, above.

You're like a lioness all of a sudden, protecting all of your cubs. I know it doesn't feel like it now...........but you'll be OK, more than OK.

Best of luck you brave OP x

He is a hateful little shit.

Glad to hear you are back in your own bed.

Hope you are with your mum now too.

Once again, he is a hateful little shit.


Jux Sat 02-Feb-13 19:17:13

Sorry, waves, my post was following on from lala's and midwife's, and I should have refreshed before I posted. So unnecessary stuff.

I would still love to join the picket.

Hoping you're feeling better with your mum about, and she is doing the cat's bum mouth at h a lot, and making him feel nicely uncomfortable and ashamed (though he's more likely to feel aggreived).

Stay yourself, believe in yourself, you are a warrior! Love yourself and your children. The best revenge is to live a good life.

Hope the sickness passes soon; I'm told ginger is good and also arrowroot biscuits.

Midwife99 Sat 02-Feb-13 19:33:17

Yes ginger biscuits, grapefruit oil to sniff on a tissue & regular plain carbs should help. Even if you feel sick force little nibbles in because a drop in blood sugar will make you vomit more. Crunching ice chips helps keep your fluids up & will irritate the hell out if the man child which is a bonus!!!

GoSuckEggs Sat 02-Feb-13 20:19:55

I think Bogeyface has a good idea regarding STI prank! that would make his balls shrivel!

he is a totally fucking bastard, you are a very strong and brilliant woman.

He is a total bastard, and I must not forget that although apparently I am:

an ungrateful bitch
a class 1 arsehole

This is because he turned up at lunchtime without the presciption for my antiemetics, but with a bunch of cheap, ugly supermarket flowers that he flung on my bed. I threw them in the bin. He came back hours later (finally with my meds) and asked why the flowers were in the bin. I told him that if he was trying to make up for his behaviour, that a bunch of cheap flowers was not the best way to start. His response: I am lucky to have had anything given how I spoke to him yesterday (this was by text when I told him he was a tosser because he was planning on going on a night out, leaving me in sole care of my DCs following hospital)

This afternoon has been hell. He called me those names in front of DSS1 - great example to be setting! I want him out so much.

I think I am still in a bit of a state of shock though really. There was a thread, I think in relationships a few months back along the lines of 10 reasons why you love your DH. I posted on it, and someone commented on how my post had given them hope in finding their happy ending. It has gone from us being married in July, and him having shoes sent to my work, bunches of flowers, a romantic weekend in London, a crazy display of romance with him standing outside my work holding up a poem he wrote on big bits of this.

He refuses to acknowledge he has done anything wrong, all he has grudgingly apologised for is upsetting me, well, not even that, he has apologised that I have been upset by what I discovered. It is a totally different thing, right? And he still goes on about me being out of order for snooping. I want to roar, but I fear I may vomit if I do!

GregBishopsBottomBitch Sat 02-Feb-13 20:45:52

Fucking roar waves, otherwise i'll come and do it, right in that evil, narcisstic twunts face.

cooper44 Sat 02-Feb-13 21:12:18

Oh my god the flowers! Why do they do that?! And cheap flowers too - even worse!
From your last post waves it sounds like he is one of those people - don't know the technical term - who loves all the romance and hysteria when you first meet/marry/whatever but then when reality strike they can't cope?
You really have to get legal advice from a really good family solicitor as soon as you are well enough.
I was told to just change the locks - but not sure of the legality of that. You need him out of your face especially if he is being so disgustingly rude to you.
Can I just say one thing - when he is gone and you have your baby it is going to be such a gorgeous bolt of love. It sounds like the worst possible scenario this happening when you are pregnant but having gone through it, the baby has actually been like the most amazing therapy ever.

mathsconundrum Sun 03-Feb-13 00:04:32

You haven't a hope in hell of getting him to say he's wrong. If he knew he was wrong he wouldn't continue the way he is.

AThingInYourLife Sun 03-Feb-13 00:46:16

"a crazy display of romance with him standing outside my work holding up a poem he wrote on big bits of this."

That was your red flag, right there.

whosthis Sun 03-Feb-13 00:57:48

Can't believe it... This guy isn't worth your wasting one more second on... Find a lawyer, a very good one. Form a fence with the help from your mum and your friends.

Be careful though. I dont know what he is capable of doing if he really wants something...

If he turns violent, call 999 the first thing and make it big. Smells really rotten!

Zhx3 Sun 03-Feb-13 01:23:36

Waves, I'm so sorry to hear what this shitbag is putting you through. Tosser.

Is your mum staying with you? It would be good if she could.

Do nothing for him. No cooking, no washing, no errands.

Take care x

Midwife99 Sun 03-Feb-13 04:13:17

Maybe contact women's aid for advice & your local domestic abuse helpline - because that is what it is. Again the Lundy Bancroft book describes the over the top romantic gestures abusive men use to catch their prey.

IncognitoIsMyFavouriteWord Sun 03-Feb-13 05:04:00


He just keeps proving how much of a nasty wanker he is doesn't he.

I'm sure this is giving you the strength you need to get rid of him though.

Stay strong we're all here for you smile

vole3 Sun 03-Feb-13 06:25:50

Let him wear the trousers, just rub the groin seams with freshly cut chilli first.

If his mum is so keen to see him move out, why can't she house him and her grandsons? Did you ever write the letter to her setting out the current situation and your knowledge of her part in it? Might shame her into getting him out for you......

Sending you hugs

SanityClause Sun 03-Feb-13 08:46:35

That is what I thought, as well, Athing and Midwife. Like a dog pissing all over it's territory.

You are doing brilliantly, waves. I'm so pleased your DM is back to look after you, so you are not dependant on twunt, while you are ill.

whosthis Sun 03-Feb-13 10:08:04

If he's wicked in nature, I suspect his mum is well aware what kind of nasty person her son is... Any chance to get her on your side? It would surprise me...

AbsintheMinded Sun 03-Feb-13 10:23:40

I wish I go there and kick his ass for you. He is such a scumbag.
Can your mum move in with you for a while?


LimelightsontheChristmastree Sun 03-Feb-13 13:59:35

He really is a massive cunt isn't he? You are so strong though OP! Such good advice here, and please do keep checking in for some MN style bigging up. I honestly think you're amazing!

Hello, feeling utterly crap today and quite convinced that the stress is making my Hyperemesis worse. He is being a shit. Mum had my DCs to sleep last night so I could rest but the twunt has done sweet fa to stop his DSs running about, yelling and banging. When I finally struggled downstairs to ask for some quiet I got yelled at by him and DSS 1 told me to shut up. I honestly don't know how to get through this.

I asked mum for some support but as I feared she said that whilst she is on my side it is for me to sort out as I am 34 and quite capable of sorting out my own problems.

Not keeping anything down and unless that improves I reckon I'll be back to hospital. I don't think I can even find the energy to get dressed let alone start making legal appointments. I don't know what to do.

I'm feeling so stupid for falling for him, and giving up the security and independence I had worked so hard for. And starting to think that maybe he is right and it is all my fault and that I am horrible and controlling and a bitch and everything else he says.

BlackStiltonBoots Sun 03-Feb-13 14:24:19

Hi, I am late to this thread but have read it all. I'm so sorry for what's happened. It made me so angry to read what you have been put through.

None of this is your fault, don't start thinking like that. He has done this and he is enjoying being a bastard towards you now. Try not to engage with him at all now, just focus on looking after yourself. Pretend he's not there (unless this is likely to make him violent).

I wish your Mum had been a bit more understanding- yes, you're an adult but you are having a horrible time and a bit of emotional support would have been good for you, as well as the practical support.

I'm sorry I don't have any advice about getting him out of the house, apart from going to a solicitor when you feel up to it and not doing anything for him. I just wanted to offer you a bit of a hand hold really.

Midwife99 Sun 03-Feb-13 14:25:32

No you are not all the things he says!! Could you bear to leave? To just go & rent somewhere for you & DCs & let the legal process get you your equity? Do you have the funds to be able to do that? You need to get away from him.

wordyBird Sun 03-Feb-13 14:29:00

Support means helping a dangerously sick, pregnant woman when she is left with children and a sociopath for company. Not telling her how old she is...

Waves, if the support you have is generally as meagre as that (I'm sorry, I really would expect much more, even if she means well.. )... you might have to call on outside agencies for help. At least tell the doctor that you are in this position. Other posters may have some ideas too. This environment is wrecking your health.

No you are not twisted, controlling or anything else. These thoughts result from his attempts to blame you, control your thinking, and affect your attitude towards yourself. Reject them out of hand. They are his own projections. They have no basis in fact.

Your health is paramount now... give the doctors a call and tell them how you feel. I don't like to hear that you're still vomiting, it's not too good. ((Hug))

GregBishopsBottomBitch Sun 03-Feb-13 14:29:45

Waves, dont you dare start doubting yourself, your fecking amazing, he is the cunt with the problem, hes just disgusting, and one day you'll summon the strength to give it to him both barrels, i hope it starts to sink in how much a cunt he is.

You have done absolutely nothing wrong, and if all us MNetters, have to come to yours and make that twat feel awful we would, i'd make him feel 2ins tall, guaranteed.

Stay strong, we are still here for you, dont let this streak of human excrement bring you down.

AThingInYourLife Sun 03-Feb-13 14:33:02

"I asked mum for some support but as I feared she said that whilst she is on my side it is for me to sort out as I am 34 and quite capable of sorting out my own problems."


You are pregnant, seriously ill to the point of hospitalisation, attempting to get out of an sbusive relationship and your own mother rejects your cry for help?!

Fucking hell, wavesand, I'm starting to see how you were vulnerable to his bullshit.

I hope I never fail my daughters as she has just failed you.

Midwife99 Sun 03-Feb-13 14:33:56

Women's Aid can help I'm sure.

LiveItUp Sun 03-Feb-13 14:38:07

NOOOOoooooo. Do not start to believe him. You are very ill and he is doing the absolute minimum to help with that. Infact, he is doing all he can to exacebate that. As he is being a total arse so unreasonable, could you contact his DC's Mum to ask her to keep her DC's there for a couple of weeks. Surely she might understand?

Disappointed your Mum can't see that you need more support. Ok, not with your DH if she feels that way, but at least support with your DC's and general house stuff while you are being so ill. Does she want to see you back in hospital again? confused If she won't help more, you must ask people around you etc. People want to help. Any Mums of your DC's friends?

If you could indicate slightly where you are, I'm sure there are people on here who would help - I would if you were Midlands?

AnyFucker Sun 03-Feb-13 14:56:53

"a crazy display of romance with him standing outside my work holding up a poem he wrote on big bits of this."

That is a bad thing, not a good thing. Beware the charming man, the overblown gestures of "romance".

Midwife99 Sun 03-Feb-13 14:59:05

"This Charming Man" by Marian Keyes illustrates that exactly!

AnyFucker Sun 03-Feb-13 15:00:48


GregBishopsBottomBitch Sun 03-Feb-13 15:08:02

I just thought is it possible hes deliberately causing stress, maybe in hope that Waves has a miscarriage.

Jux Sun 03-Feb-13 15:09:43

Can you get a home visit from a doctor?

You really need to get some rl support - real support, not the bare minimum your mum is providing. WA, midwife, health visitor, any and all.

Get on the phone as soon as you can and start telling the health professionals what is going on. The last thing you want is to wind up back in hospital.

He is a truly nasty piece of work. I suspect he is hoping that the worst will happen, and you will all go back to how it was before.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AbsintheMinded Sun 03-Feb-13 15:10:30

Who doesn't help a sick, pregnant friend? Especially one that has just found out that their husband is a lying toad.

It's not about you being able capable, it's about her not wanting to help.

You're doing an amazing job already and I hope someone will help you and give you a bit of support.

And that H is a bully. Don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth.

AbsintheMinded Sun 03-Feb-13 15:14:35

I know if I were near you I'd be there in a flash. Do reach out and ask for help. People will only give what their able and you might be surprised by how differently people act.

I know myself about the unsupportive family and used to think everyone was as self centred as them. I am still shocked to this day by some of the kindness that people freely give as I am not used to it.

Midwife99 Sun 03-Feb-13 15:15:24

Again - would it be possible for you to leave? Awful I know but I can't see him going!

GregBishopsBottomBitch Sun 03-Feb-13 15:16:57

Waves I would contact her, fuck him, if he wants to have his kids in future, then hes just gotta move out, simples.

I really feel sorry for you.

But I think it might be easier for you to get him out, if you get his children out first? Call his ex and say that the children can no longer have access with their dad at yours as you have in fact split up, and he is currently building a new relationship with somebody else.

I also think you need to get legal advice pretty sharpish.

WitchOfEndor Sun 03-Feb-13 15:27:17

Agree with Pure Make it clear to him, his ex and his Mum that since you have split up you will no longer have his children at yours. Leave it to him to organise what to do next.

wordyBird Sun 03-Feb-13 15:39:54

Oh, dear waves . sad Toxic, I can believe… like so many very good, very intelligent and highly conscientious women, you have no concept of putting yourself first - even if your life is at risk. You have been sculpted into a magnet for a conscience free, morally corrupt man.

Reflection is for later though - for now, your health comes first. Be brave and impose on a friend - someone - for anything, even just to talk! Imagine if you had a friend suffering as you are, and she felt she couldn't call you. If you don't have that good a friend, ring Women's Aid and tell them the situation you're in.

Doctor first, though, as you still seem to be very ill. You need practical, caring help, today.

Kittenkatzen Sun 03-Feb-13 16:19:44

waves please please please ask for help, your friends will want to help you. And you will no doubt get a chance to repay them in the future. You are being so strong but you can't get through all of this on your own, nobody could, it's too much. I'm so sorry your mum wasn't more supportive - have you told her the full story, all the terrible things he's said and done?

As for nobfeatures - ignore, ignore, ignore. Every time he tries to say literally anything at all to you, adopt a glassy eyed expression and just let it wash over you. He is beyond unimportant now, don't credit him with a single moment further of your headspace.

GaryBuseysTeeth Sun 03-Feb-13 16:36:27

Oh waves, I'm so sorry.

Another one who says you should contact his ex, tell her it's a shitty place for them to be in atm (mention you've split up, but play on how bad it is for his kids at yours right now).
He's got somewhere to stay (his mum's), so somewhere he can see his kids, but he's choosing to stay put at yours just to fuck with your head & show you how much he wants you to think you need him.

Don't worry about imposing yourself on other people, if there is anyone you can ask for any help (even if it's just cooking your kids a meal one night) please do, you'll feel better letting it all out to someone, and the more people supporting you, the stronger you'll feel.

If I were closer to you I would be over yours like a flash.
You're not horrible or a bitch in anyway, please try to ignore his bullshit. x

whosthis Sun 03-Feb-13 16:59:10

waves Don't be afraid of asking for help. As someone else just said, you would get a chance to repay when they need your help! But first thing is that you have to get through this yourself first! For your DCs and for the little one in your tummy!

waves "Raising my DCs as a single mum and holding down full time work, part time teaching and regular performing means I have been quite solitary". Look at what you have achieved ! Raising two children yourself and still balanced your career. Do you really fall into the trap he put in front of your face making you believe you are nothing? Really? Please think from a 3rd person point of view, taking yourself out, would you really agree on the way he defines you??? DON'T FALL INTO THE TRAP!

waves I personally feel that he's getting dangerous. He's determined to win, because he knows you are vulnerable and you have not as much support as you would like when you are there. The best way to deal with it is to see through his tricks and ignore him at all. He can't win, he would feel like the biggest fool in this planet. But be ultra cautious to protect yourself and your DCs. Especially if he's really upset about you, there's a chance he might turn to your children. (hope I am not making it sounds to scary). I WOULD WISH YOU GO TO FIND A LAWYER OR SOLICITOR ASAP. You need legal help, as it's getting too nasty and you wouldn't be able to handle yourself. It doesn't sound safe!

Mumsnetter Anyone lives in Channel Islands? Or anyone knows where waves could seek for help there?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sun 03-Feb-13 17:16:38

waves quite stunned at your mother's response. Quickly moving on, please lean on a suitable friend, you must have an ally near you. Don't be embarrassed or minimise things.

I can't believe he 'd foist his sons on you whilst you're so unwell - there again I could, as he sounds conniving and heartless. I assume they'll be back at their other parent's tonight or tomorrow?They're not old enough to know what Dad's up to, just glorying in being allowed to run amok.

If MIL ever did a decent thing in her life now would be the moment to help him move out and have her grandsons round her house.

Jux Sun 03-Feb-13 17:32:35

Have a look on local.

Jux Sun 03-Feb-13 17:33:43

Maybe his mum could help move him on?

DuchessFanny Sun 03-Feb-13 18:03:25

One of those moments where i wish i lived closer to someone ... well you certainly have MNetters here and all our collective support, but please ask in RL as i think that extra bit of help would make all the difference ( sorry your Mum hasn't been more supportive !) xxxxx

LiveItUp Sun 03-Feb-13 18:03:54

Waves, don't be embarassed to ask for help. Just as one here we are all wanting to help if geography permitted, there are RL people around you who would so want to help if they just knew you needed it, and would be quite upset to think that you struggled on without asking. It can be a start for you to get to know some people better maybe.

Do contact his ex and to heck that he won't like that. (He probably wouldn't like it because she saw through him too and he knows you two would have too much in common!). She should know the toxic environment he is creating at your home and she is sending her DC's into, also that you are being very sick regularly and they are being exposed to that too. If it would help to convince you, she has a right to know IYSWIM, especially if he is being abusive (to you) infront of them. Also, you should not have to put up with his DC1 speaking to you like that. You would want to know if you were sending your DC's to stay somewhere. You are not stopping him seeing his DC's, there is his Mums or his OW, but now you are over, they shouldn't be coming in to your home.

Take care, and rest up. Get some help sorted as soon as you can tomorrow -medical, legal, and RL support.

I am not sure your Mum supports your relationship with your H in the first place or your pregnancy and this is why she is 'supportive' from a distance. sad

Pretty sure your H is trying to cause you as much stress as possible in the hope of you miscarrying and then 'life can get back to normal' for him

OP, I am nowhere near CI but wish I could help you some way.

duende Sun 03-Feb-13 19:52:19

waves I am so sorry I don't live closer. I would really love to help. I'm disappointed your mum is not more supportive sad
I agree with the posters who suggested you should get in touch with his ex and also try and get a doctor's home visit. It is paramount you look after yourself.

ThePinkOcelot Sun 03-Feb-13 20:53:42

((((Waves)))), so sorry your mum has responded like this. Keep posting. xxxx

Small progress. I texted about 10 people, either family or friends or mums of the DCs school friends and already have someone coming tomorrow lunchtime to help out with getting me a bit of toast and generally being company. Was a huge risk for me, and took courage to ask, but I've done it now.

Mum and I have a turbulent relationship and always have done. Mega back story but I hoped that she might be able to offer emotional support this time, but evidently not. She has her own issues and her way of coping is to not get involved I think. That said, she is having my DCs to sleep tonight so I can stay in bed in the morning and for that I am really grateful. I am really pleased that she is able to support me like this, was quite a different story 7 years ago.

On my phone as laying in bed trying not to be sick so can't read the messages too easily, but all of you are helping me so much. Thank you .

LiveItUp Sun 03-Feb-13 21:36:50

Well done Waves. Honestly, people will really want to help. Just be open as you have here and you'll have a brilliant RL support network in no time. Have the courage to accept it (and I speak as someone who also hates asking for help), it will give you the support you need to get well and see your way through this awful time. Hope you feel better soon.

duende Sun 03-Feb-13 21:48:46

Hope you have a restful night and tomorrow is a bit easier.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sun 03-Feb-13 21:49:52

A small step to help but at least she's made that offer and it will enable you to have less to worry about tonight and first thing tomorrow. One day at a time. Glad your friend is coming over tomorrow you shouldn't feel awkward about asking for a hand because honestly, to use a phrase you're worth it. Hope you get some sleep tonight.

WingDefence Sun 03-Feb-13 22:28:26

Just caught up waves. H is a twunt. Sounds like you're getting better than you can expect (?) from your mum. Glad you've got some help coming tomorrow - very brave of you and we're proud all proud of you on here I'm sure.

If those drugs aren't working and you're still puking, please get a Dr out to see you (you mustn't try to get to the GP yourself).

Sleep well my dear.

whosthis Sun 03-Feb-13 22:55:32

So so pleased to know.about the progress, waves. Not very easy to ask, but it is the right thing to do. You know it.

All in all, the fundamental goal is to get through this shit and finish with this guy. So any support would be extremely helpful. We all need help from others at some point of time in life. You would otherwise be willing to offer help as well. And sometimes this would.bring you invaluable friendship as well.

Please please make sure you seek for legal advice ASAP. This guy has too many nasty ideas behind. You need to be better prepared to protect your DCs'interest and yourself.

wordyBird Mon 04-Feb-13 01:46:33

A big <high five> for having the courage to contact people! I know it takes guts to ask - it does for many of us on this board...

It's great that your mum is helping in a practical way; this will surely make a difference. Sometimes practical and emotional help come from different sources. Though it's painful when those closest just don't get it. I know.

Hurray for the toast-bearing friend coming tomorrow, tell her MN loves her (or him) smile

I have 3 people popping in today smile

Feel physically awful, so trying to stay as still as possible. One of my friends popping round today is a GP so I'll ask her for some advice too.

I am feeling so fragile though, emotionally. I want things to be how they were, I want him to love me. I asked for a quick chat last night and asked what his intentions were etc. Ended up with me asking him what he wanted. He said he wanted the woman he married back instead of the miserable, stroppy, controlling person he finds himself living with, and that he would have run 10 miles away from the person I am. So now I am back to thinking maybe I need to fix things, or fix me. Although I did stick up for myself and say I didn't want him sleeping in bed. He asked why HE should be the one to sleep on the sofa. I said, well, I am pregnant and have hyperemesis, and he said so what. In the end, he went off to the sofa, but only after arguing sad

I don't know what to do. I felt so resolved, and then he was sort of nice yesterday when he got home, and then I wavered, but then he was horrible again, but then I am thinking it is my fault for being so awful. But then I don't want this to be the rest of my life. I hate not trusting him, I hate that he encourages (or at least refuses to sanction) the way his boys treat me and speak to me, I hate that he is so uncaring, I hate that he makes me doubt myself. But we were so happy, and I want that back. I am feeling so, so confused and I wish that he would just go.

"I said, well, I am pregnant and have hyperemesis, and he said so what."

There's your answer, surely.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 04-Feb-13 10:24:09

Oh not the old 'controlling' thing, why do so many use that when they mean, "Doesn't roll over and let me treat her like a doormat". Seemingly a one way street then, no flaws on his part, no need for him to address his behaviour? hmm

SlatternismyMiddlename Mon 04-Feb-13 10:36:39

Waves - you have so much on your plate right now your brain must be in overload. I do not think that you should waste what little energy you have on trying to figure out what happened in your relationship. Try to concentrate on your prenancy and most importantly feeling better. When you feel better you will be in a better frame of mind to sort out 'D'H.

I could spend hours detailing why your DH's behavoiur is abhorrent, but I don't think you need it right now. Concentrate on you and your baby's well being everything else can and will wait.

Despite what I said above one thing that can't go without comment - your pregnant with his child, you are very ill, he has said appalling things and he wants YOU to sleep on the sofa. Away to fuck!

BinarySolo Mon 04-Feb-13 10:52:44

Waves, don't you dare blame yourself for his shitty behaviour and attitude. Even if you were a miserable old cow (which I don't for a minute believe) a loving, caring partner would talk to you about what was making you miserable and try to help you through it. A loving, caring partner would not start conducting an affair, researching late abortions and making exit plans with his mother behind your back.

If he had any decency there'd be no question that the pregnant, ill lady gets the bed. There is no way he should tolerate the way his kids speak to you either. He's treating you with the contempt he deserves and is trying to control you.

Please don't jump through any hoops for this pathetic excuse of a man. He's cold and callous and you deserve somebody a whole lot better.

I'm happy to join the picket line in my 'Team Waves' t-shirt.

whosthis Mon 04-Feb-13 10:55:03

waves Taking yourself from the picture, will any slight decent man do and say those things he did and said? ALL THE TIME, IT'S ABOUT HIM, REGARDLESS IT WAS A MUTUAL DECISION TO CONCEIVE THIS CHILD IN YOUR TUMMY AND YOU ARE SO WEAK IN A PREGNANCY? He is a narcissistic and selfish guy who has not the tiny sense of responsibility as a grown up. He only wants things in his way, otherwise he would change his mind and withdraw from whatever commitment he engaged in.


whosthis Mon 04-Feb-13 10:59:30

Remember, waves, he wanted a baby only a few months ago and then he wanted to stop that little life you created because he's not happy with the way things are without being an adult and talking with his wife to prove things. What a man? It is beyond horror.

whosthis Mon 04-Feb-13 11:00:43

sorry, i meant wothout talking with his wife to improve things.

Maybe because the old you had not yet seen the light and put up with his crap? Maybe you were easy to control, and your refusal to be treated like shit is what he interpret as you being "horrible and controlling".

He just isnt a very nice man.

Bogeyface Mon 04-Feb-13 11:19:51

Yep, "horrible and controlling" is what men say when they actually mean "She has a mind of her own and is actually arguing back at me, how dare she?!"

And he is doing a good job of making sure that his sons end up the same as him, that is the real tragedy sad

Stay strong, IT ISNT YOU, it is him, it was always him.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Mon 04-Feb-13 11:24:39

He is so unbelievably horrible. He wanted you to sleep on the sofa? When you're fighting to stay out of hospital? Seriously?

You poor thing. Just. Whoa.

If he wants to sleep in a bed, he can move out.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 04-Feb-13 11:41:21

He takes the path of least resistance hence letting his boys muck about or be aggressive with your DCs. He can blame it on you being soft with yours or too harsh with his. It's such a cop out. Even if his sons come first when visiting, he is married to you and knew you both had children already. To the outside world - his mother - he'll use it as an excuse for opting out - it takes time to settle and adjust, what the hell did he expect. Rather handy having such an ongoing problem if he had belated second thoughts. He's not doing his sons any favours in the long term. Btw I don't think you can count on his ex wife as any kind of ally, she may not wish you ill but there may be some schadenfreude about your marriage being in such trouble so soon.

Who does he run to - an ex gf. How convenient! I suppose because she's receptive and not too fussy, he thinks he's got it made. Maybe he banks on you being so protective of your unborn child, you'll move out and let him move his gf in.

Fancy waiting until you are vulnerable and then drop the news that 'he's unhappy' and regrets your pregnancy. I'm sorry but I bet he'll say you pressured him into it, or tricked him. He'll be sweet and sour to you and it's all an act. Remember, how he treats you to your face, and how he details his marriage to outsiders, probably varies enormously. No doubt he thinks you'll cave in to whatever he says and give in for a quiet life.

His exwife may not be an ally as such, but she may not want her children live in such a toxic environment, with step mum sick and dad abusive.

Waves when you speak to his exwife, I suggest you tell her that you are really sick, throwing up a lot from hyperemesis in your pregnancy, you struggle to take care of your own child and have had to rope in help to take care of her.
You and your husband argue a lot as he has chosen this time to get back with an ex girlfriend, but is refusing to move out. You dont think it is good for the children to be subjected to this. Tell her it is not a good environment for the kids, and you thought you should tell her so she can make an informed choice as a parent not to let her children come to yours under the circumstances. Tell her your husband is currently very happy to have them here, as it gives him ample opportunity to score points against you, but you dont find it fair that the children are used in this way.

If he is out a lot, leaving the children in your care, you should also mention this.

Dont angle it as you need her help, appeal to the parent in her. She might think everything is fine, and that her children are spending time in a stable environment. Contacting her and telling her what it is really like is the right thing to do, for the children.

Midwife99 Mon 04-Feb-13 11:56:38

I'm sorry it's almost a carbon copy of what my H said. And he spent 3 years wavering between being "nice" & like he used to be & threatening to leave & telling me how controlling & awful I was. He allowed his DD to speak to me like shit & if I reprimanded her or complained called me a bully. I know how hard it is to admit he has turned out to be an arse especially when you're pregnant. I clung on for dear life & all my self confidence gradually wore away. I should have chucked him out (it was my house!) but was too ashamed to admit another marriage had failed so quickly.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 04-Feb-13 12:01:16

Yes PQ I agree, from that viewpoint the boys' mother should know what is happening, but I don't think I would bank on the ex wife being any more helpful than his M, that's all.

Tiggy114 Mon 04-Feb-13 12:17:12

Just to put things in perspective for you hon. My partner offered to sleep on the sofa because he snores! This man should not be expecting you to sleep on the sofa!!!! Thats ridiculous. And in a normal rrlationship that falls apart there is always a few weeks of tears and did i do the right thing? Thats normal and it will pass but the sooner he moves out the better for you. Speak to a solicitor and ask them your rights about getting him out. Ring social services and tell them his verbal abuse is bad for your health and that of your unborn baby. They will listen. You can't move on till he's gone. I wish i lived close to you. We have lots in common with mum issues as well. If your mum is like mine, it's not that she doesn't want to help, but that she is ver stressed and anxious about her own life and cannot cope with any more. Accept what help she will give. Could she commit to having your DC's every friday night and bring them back sat tea time? You could look forward to that rest and order 'him' to take his children out on the saturday so you can have an empty house and some calm. It's so hard but you can do it! Think about where you want yo be in 6 months time, the summer. Keep thinking "by the summer i will be happy and this will be over". Will keep you going.

Zhx3 Mon 04-Feb-13 13:04:12

Oh Waves. What a horrible, selfish manchild.

When children are born, of course relationships change. That's normal. Decent adults understand that children come first when they are so very young and dependent, and adapt and support each other accordingly.

Of course he wants the old you back. But don't you want the old him back too? And don't you acknowledge that life and priorities are different once children come along, and just get on with it?

Aside - I want the old pre-children me back sometimes too, but it's never going to happen is it?

He is being so awful. I think he is trying to drive you out of the house.

Please please just look after yourself and your children, don't do anything for him and I would also encourage not doing anything for his children too. Seems unfair to bring his children into this but if they are treating you with so little respect, then perhaps it is necessary to show them that you are not just their skivvy and scapegoat.

Take care xx

ThePinkOcelot Mon 04-Feb-13 13:26:33

Hello Waves, really pleased you have people coming to help you out - keep accepting the help.
Your H is a total shit! Just who the hell does he think he is?! Bastard!
((()))) xxx

IAmNotAMindReader Mon 04-Feb-13 14:26:30

Look after yourself and your children, they are your family he has made it very clear he has opted out of that unit. He is actively encouraging his children to show you no respect he is showing you what he thinks of you. Do not accept it.

Get to a solicitor asap and take steps to have him removed from the house. No idea of the legalities of this but you need to find out asap what you can do to ensure your own childrens and your babies future stability and security. You can't worry about his children right now (he isn't worrying about yours and is quiet prepared to see you all out on the street). They have another place to go, you and your children don't, he is choosing to bring them into this.

Your husband is right about one thing, you do need to change. You need to stop giving him headspace or any leeway to make you doubt yourself. Put on the mask of strenth (even if you don't feel it) and show you will not be dragged down to the worthless level he wants you to be at.

He is trying to break you because once you have left the house it will be a hell of a lot harder for you to do anything about it.
What he wants is a doormat who is happy to cling on to any peice of hiim he has to offer when he wants an ego boost. It doesn't matter what hoops you jump through they will never be enough so don't destroy yourself trying.

He's an asshat and is trying to make you out to be the unreasonable one.

Keep on getting all the help you can, good luck for the future, stay strong.

IAmNotAMindReader Mon 04-Feb-13 14:27:32


GregBishopsBottomBitch Mon 04-Feb-13 14:46:45

Waves This is NOT your fault, he changed, hes being shitty and controllling , now hes trying make it feel like your fault, it is not your fault, its his fault, and until he sees that, you cant resolve this, start thinking about yourself.

And hes blaming you, because hes been caught out, my ex did this to me, said i had to change, and thats the reason hes an ex.

BinarySolo Mon 04-Feb-13 15:52:04

Waves, I know you're feeling ill, but please get legal advice as soon as you can. Don't move out, as I'm pretty sure it can and would be used against you. If you pay every thing into a joint account, try and change that as I think financially separating yourself will help protect your interests. I'm worried that if he'd already been making plans to leave then he might already be working out the financial side. Although, the backpedling and stalling suggests he's playing for time so hasn't sorted stuff yet.

I don't want to worry you, but I don't want the dickhead to shaft you either.

what a dickhead! He doesnt want this baby at all does he? sad

Stay strong waves

Undertone Mon 04-Feb-13 21:16:56

Totally chilling behaviour. I imagine in some way you might have been protecting your mum and friends and not telling them everything you're telling us here? Because if i met someone at a bus stop and they told me all these details i would be over their house with a pitchfork and flaming torch. I just don't think if the people around you knew the real situation they would be so muted in their support? It's not weak to tell people how awful someone else's behaviour is. It's no reflection on you.

Nanny0gg Mon 04-Feb-13 22:28:10

You're too ill to take it all in now, but this man is a total excuse for a human being.
He is beyond vile. Anyone who can treat their pregnant wife like this, especially one who is as poorly as you (been there, but without DC to look after, so you have my heartfelt sympathy in spades), is an absolute bastard.

When you feel a bit better, read through this thread again. Take in the advice you have been given (especially about the legal side) and realise that no decent man who had the tinest feeling for his wife, could treat her the way he's treated you. And you are not responsible for him behaving like this. It's all down to him.

Get any help you can, and be honest about who and what he is. It's no reflection on you and people need their eyes to be open.

Jux Tue 05-Feb-13 08:16:00

Waves, you have my greatest sympathy. You poor thing.

I hope your doctor friend has helped you, and given you a bit of advice as to what agencies near you can give you help.

Behaviour under stress show what a person is really like. You are showing that you are a strong person who will struggle on through hard times. Your h is showing that he is a piece of shit.

ScubaSarah Tue 05-Feb-13 08:17:53

Hope you're doing better again today Waves. Stay strong, you deserve better than his appalling treatment of you thanksthanks

Hi, back to my GP this afternoon as still not keeping food or water down. Internet broke last night so wasn't able to check in. DH slept on the sofa with no argument at all, which, whilst it sounds like very little, feels like progress to me!

Yesterday my friends were lovely (and no, I haven't told them much at all - feel a bit too poorly to start letting everything out in RL as I will end up in floods of tears). One brought me breadsticks and flowers and made me toast, another took my dog for a walk, and my mum came and took some laundry, and tidied up the patio where my DCs had cleaned out the rabbit hutches on Sunday but left quite a lot of debris as a result. Bless them, they tried their best, and the rabbits have lovely clean homes now smile

I am trying very hard not to analyse what has gone wrong, and even harder to stop blaming myself, and succeeding some of the time. A year from now, I really want to be in a position where I can look back with pride on how I handled this. My way of handling this is, I think to focus on the welfare of my 2DCs and the baby. More than anything, I don't want them growing up thinking this is a normal, healthy way for adult relationships to be. Might not be quite focussing on myself and what is best for me, but right now, I think that the focus on the children is fine.

Oh, and I found the post I made on a thread called 10 things I love about my DH. What the heck has happened between then and now? This is the post:

wavesandsmiles Wed 19-Sep-12 14:08:41
I am so in love with DH - we are TTC and moving house at the moment which is pretty stressful, but I still wake up every morning smiling because I am waking up with him....I married him because I love everything, absolutely everything, so here are just a few things
He is kind to me
He makes me feel like the most beautiful person in the world
He is proud of me
He loves my children
He is a wonderful father
He is gorgeous
He is amazing in bed
He knows how to do pretty much everything round the house
He makes the BEST cups of tea
He has beautiful eyes
He is thoughtful
He leaves me love letters or little notes lying about
He buys me presents for no reason other than he wants to
He wants to share everything with me
He "checks me out" all the time
We have quiet times when we can just sit reading books in each other's company
He is really funny
He sweeps me up into his arms and gives the best cuddles
He inspires me
He is very clever
I even love that he uses apostrophes incorrectly. He does it so consistently, it is adorable
He gives me butterflies
He is my shoulder to cry on - literally sob on from time to time when I am missing my dad who died last year
He makes me feel so much better about myself
He does great facepaints
He wouldn't cheat - I giggle about when he was out and someone started to chat him up and he launched into a - I'm married so not interested, but you'd LOVE me wife, and started showing off photos of me
When I am stressed he helps me break a problem into bite size pieces
He always knows when I am worried
He is my best friend
He is very handsome
And I could keep writing hundreds more things, but I have work to do.......

I wouldn't have married him if it wasn't for that list, I've been there before and resolved never to remarry. But I love him so so deeply, being anything other than his wife just wouldn't have been right. I am so sorry OP that you have struggled so much to find the positives....and have just reminded myself how very blessed I and my children are.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 05-Feb-13 10:38:21

sad That was a lovely list waves, why so very different now. Well, here and now is what matters. Glad you're supported by others. Tell us how you get on at the doctor's.

MadAboutHotChoc Tue 05-Feb-13 10:42:02

Oh dear, it is shitty.

That list is a bit too good to be true.

He is now showing his true colours - this is the real HIM, you need to remember that the old him was a charming facade designed to hook you in.

This is how abusive men operate and in time once the rose spectacles have been removed, I am sure you will look back and realise there were red flags - I recognise quite a few on that list sad

Midwife99 Tue 05-Feb-13 10:42:20

Oh Hun - that's so sad. Which is the real him? Was it all a performance to reel you in & this is the real him now? Has he said if he plans to leave? Or is he just torturing you & has no intention of going?

SignoraStronza Tue 05-Feb-13 10:43:12

Waves. Have been following this thread with increasing disgust at the way you're being treated. Agree with others that you need to get him out of the house.

One way of doing this (if changing the locks is not something that is strictly allowed) might be to lock the door from the inside using the key, chain, deadlock etc so that he physically cannot gain access. Perhaps get an additional lock fitted to the back door for if you need to pop out. Cite 'security concerns' and neglect to give him a key for the new lock. Enlist a friend's handy dh to help you do this while your friend helps you pack all his stuff and dump it outside. If/when he kicks off, call the police. I am sure that they would be reluctant to compel you to let him back in if you are ill, vulnerable and concerned for your personal safety. wink

AbsintheMinded Tue 05-Feb-13 10:49:14

Big unmumsnetty hugs for you. When you feel strong enough tell a friend and let yourself cry and grieve for the loss of that man who existed in September. The current man in your house is a bastard and only deserves a wave of the middle finger when he finally moves out.

Your priorities are sound and with HG I can't imagine there's much energy for anything else.

lalalonglegs Tue 05-Feb-13 10:50:40

Were you with him a long time before you married? Because that is one hell of a change in a few short months shock.

WingDefence Tue 05-Feb-13 11:42:39

Morning waves - thinking of you today and I really hope the GP is able to help later x

BinarySolo Tue 05-Feb-13 11:48:21

No wonder you're so confused with such a massive change.

I can understand why you'd want to reconcile and have the old dh back, but could you ever really rebuild the trust? I feel so sad for you. He's let you down in the worst way imaginable, at a time when you need him most.

Stay strong and please tell your friends so you get some rl practical support.

Have been analysing and reanalysing in my head, and quite sure it (his change in behaviour/disgusting treatment of me) stems back to the blended family issues. DH wanted and expected us all to be one happy family straight away. That hasn't happened, and he is kicking back, wants out, likely feels guilty that his DSs are still not happy and have ongoing jealousy issues, and is projecting that guilt to me (and on to my DCs), looking for ways out, and those ways have involved MIL and OW. Although that doesn't explain why he denies having changed, or having done anything wrong. So maybe he just is a total tosser who picked up early that I was vulnerable, reigned me in with romance and a sham act, and is now being his true self. I don't know.

We were together under a year before we got married in July. Didn't live together before that due to neither of us having a big enough place.

Fact is though, however guilty he feels, or however things have not worked out perfectly from his perspective, it is NO way to treat anyone, let alone your pregnant wife. I really, really do not think that there is any way back from this - in fact, I KNOW this. I feel so hurt and let down. He has been a total sod, and made me so unhappy, when this is meant to be the time we can be happy (as far as hyperemesis permits) and he can be caring and supportive. I think he has shown himself to be a total man-child, very selfish etc.

Off to the doctor again in an hour and a half, keeping fingers crossed that some different medication eases the sickness.

Midwife99 Tue 05-Feb-13 14:47:09

Will he go? What has he said about the practicalities? I really feel that you need to be apart to see the wood for the trees, especially him. While you're all in that house together emotions will be sky high.

Yes, we need to be apart, absolutely. He keeps changing his mind though and is now talking about the next DIY project confused

I need to tell him that he needs to go, don't I, over and over until he does. Because I have told him this many times this week, and he is backtracking. His DSs are with their mum this weekend, so, after tomorrow night, there are a clear few days when he can actually get himself to another place. Even if it is just to his mum's.

tiredteddy Tue 05-Feb-13 14:53:02

Good luck at the doctor Waves I really hope they get your HG under control soon. Your latest post sounds calm and string again after the wobble you had. It's good to understand where things changed and started going wrong as if you don't think about these things you will always wonder about them. However as you said yourself regardless of his guilt and issues, how he had treated you is so so wrong, totally unacceptable. Hold onto your resolve. Us your mum back now?

GregBishopsBottomBitch Tue 05-Feb-13 14:56:19

Waves Just tell him straight, you gotta go, we have no marriage, your DC's cant come here, as you let them run riot.

Dont be afraid too, we know how strong you are, you just need to realise it.

Midwife99 Tue 05-Feb-13 14:59:08

Yes you need to take control. He's screwing with your head while you're in a vulnerable state.

just read the whole thread. i am so sorry you are going through this waves. i cant even imagine how you feel.

i cant add anything new as you've had some excellent advice already, but just wanted to say i wish i lived closer to do something, anything, that would help or ease your pain

stay strong thanks

badinage Tue 05-Feb-13 15:01:39

If you've only known this brute since July 2011, you've never really known him. How did you meet? How many friends, family etc. did you meet to check him out before getting involved? It doesn't sound like you've spoken to his ex wife much, even though you've been caring for their children a lot of the time. Her story would be illuminating, I think.

Do you think it's possible he was having an affair all along with the ex, but she wasn't prepared to look after his children, so he found someone who would - while carrying on the affair?

CajaDeLaMemoria Tue 05-Feb-13 15:03:40

Just wanted to add my are doing great, Waves.

Keep telling him you want him out, and give him a deadline. Before his children are home is ideal. You need to rest and recover and that can't happen with him swanning around...and he knows he is messing with your head, that's why he jumps between insulting you and planning house projects. He's keeping you confused and ill because it suits him.

Once he's gone, a weight will be lifted.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

badinage Tue 05-Feb-13 15:36:52

That's revealing. Instead of being open and asking you for your number and if he could contact you, he tracked you down via your website.

I bet he did all the fetching and collecting. He would never have wanted you to talk to his ex.

So who is this ex he's having an affair with now? Did she predate the kids mum or was she the one he left home for?

LiveItUp Tue 05-Feb-13 17:10:16

Your original post began with him getting his Mum to help him to move out into a flat. Remind him of that. He's deliberately messing with you knowing how ill you are. So yes, keep telling him it's over, keep telling him he needs to move out, talk about your relationship in the past tense, and try not to engage with him more than you absolutely have to - you have your future to think about and plan, rather than the past.

Hope all went well with the Dr. You are doing so well.

Abitwobblynow Tue 05-Feb-13 17:28:52

So the person he has been having an affair with, is the mother of his children?

Is that right?

wordyBird Tue 05-Feb-13 17:44:11

....if it helps, it's likely the change was borne of personality, not circumstance. People with normal consciences don't suddenly become guilt-free, totally selfish, or casually research terminating a life they committed to starting.. shock

Only a psychologist could diagnose sociopathy. But he sounds like one. They often start relationships by being too good to be true: fairy tale like phraseology seems to capture the experience - the perfect man, head over heels, dream come true, happy ever after... and for some reason they tend to be very good at sex.

All those things sound lovely, but normal men are just normal people - they get some things right, some things wrong, but they do care. They would get your prescription without thinking, give up their bed in a second, care for children without being asked: and if you caught them doing something they shouldn't be, they would be guilty or embarrassed. I believe good men are mostly just like good women, except for the bits that make them men! grin

But He asked why HE should be the one to sleep on the sofa. I said, well, I am pregnant and have hyperemesis, and he said so what. In the end, he went off to the sofa, but only after arguing.

..... whatever you want to call that mindset, it is not normal, it's not loving, and it's not healthy. As you rightly say - it's no way to treat anyone. There is no way back from it.