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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Waves is determined to keep winning now that Acrobat has arrived.

988 replies

wavesandsmiles · 28/07/2013 12:21

So, Acrobat did actually arrive (only just) on the last thread. And he is here and lovely!

Links to previous threads:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1670597-So-DH-said

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1745551-DH-said-DH-left-waves-is-still-being-sick-but-into-the-third-timester

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1801734-Waves-is-winning-Here-comes-the-Acrobat

OP posts:
SwedishHouseMat · 08/08/2013 18:30

De-lurking Waves to tell you what a terrific Mum you are and you are quite right to ignore the HV. So many of them are burnt out former midwives who should of been put out to pasture years ago. Good for you for knowing what is right for your baby, but I do feel sorry for her other patients who might not be so experienced. Many babies don't seem to get the memo about "routine"! Grin

springytooty · 08/08/2013 19:59

Raises hand to another mum who was sold up the swanny by a HV. One HV told me in graphic detail the personal business of her previous patient. I did have one fantastic HV, though - but she was not the norm ime - by far. They were all pretty crap (apols to anyone reading who is HV. Just my experience).

springytooty · 08/08/2013 20:03

Raises hand as another mum...

MissStrawberry · 08/08/2013 20:06

My HV told me I was feeding my new baby too much as I was feeding him every time she came round Hmm.

themidwife · 08/08/2013 21:02

Yes I think there are a few HVs around who seem to give some very strange/old fashioned advice re feeding. Up until a few years ago I was so lucky that my HV colleagues were all wonderful & extremely supportive to mums esp re breastfeeding but not hearing such good feedback lately. It's a shame. I only saw a HV twice after my last baby, even her 2 year & pre-school checks were done by newly qualified community nurses with no experience. The govt stupidly reduced HV numbers a few years ago & the good ones left or retired under the strain. They are desperately recruiting again now so hopefully things will improve soon. examines self to see if burnt out yet Grin

PyroclasticFlo · 08/08/2013 21:19

Waves I wish I could just give you a hug and tell you how well you're doing.

Likewise, I have fought my way, by myself, through both mental illness and PND and out the other side, aided only by reading, journaling and a will to be a better, kinder, saner, happier person. I know what a hard road it is, but by God it's a worthwhile one, and I can see from your posts that you are doing so well. Make sure you don't give in to the guilt about others , though - Twunt and TB walk their own path, and you don't owe them anything.

Unfortunately with DS1 I didn't listen to my heart, and did let my poor son scream with hunger because various HVs and books (ahem, she who shall not be named on MN in particular) told me when I should feed my child and that I shouldn't over feed. Balls to them. With DS2 I demand fed and cluster fed and he and I were both SO much happier.

You're doing brilliantly and you're a brilliant mum. Put Twunt in the past and move forwards my love. You deserve happiness and sunshine and peace. I can't tell you how much I wish you peace and good fortune.

Flowers
pointythings · 08/08/2013 21:28

I must be the only person on MN to have had a brilliant HV both times (it was the same one though) - she really got bf and attachment parenting despite being not far off retirement - possibly an old hippie with the flowers removed? But waves you have the confidence to do what is right for you and Caspian so you know you can just ignore her.

I'm so sorry you've had to deal with more poison from TB - smacking is a huge red line for me.

Ezio · 08/08/2013 21:43

I had one really nice HV, and that was a right snobby judgemental bitch, the amount of times i wanted to slap her was unreal.

SwedishHouseMat · 08/08/2013 21:47

You are right themidwife, all my fabulous HV colleagues retired a few years go. I wasn't aiming my criticism at you! Grin

SwedishHouseMat · 08/08/2013 21:49

*go
ago

WingDefence · 09/08/2013 17:34

Hope you've had a relaxing day waves.

Original poster
wavesandsmiles · 09/08/2013 21:45

I'm shattered. It's such hard work, on so little sleep. Nothing much in the way of RL support as everyone seems to be away on holiday.

All the DCs are lovely, it is just exhausting. With no one to have a chat with, or a hug, or get me a cup of tea. I'm so bloody pissed off at twunt for letting all this happen. For being so selfish. I feel like I've run out of fuel.

To be fair, I took us all out to a local fete today which we were at for ages, and I managed my most exposed public breastfeeding session so far! DD had her face painted and they both had candy floss for what was I think the first time they have ever had it.

The photo session was with a proper photographer so I know the quality will be great. Just expensive! Thanks for the advice though, I will keep my sensible head on at the viewing and not get emotionally carried away.

Next week I have appointments already for much of Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. Will also need to investigate properly the maintenance issue.

No sign of a letter from twunt by the way. And not a word from TB. I feel lonely. And quite sad actually. I don't feel enough, just very tired.

OP posts:
MissStrawberry · 09/08/2013 22:00

Don't feel lonely. You have us Smile.

Don't feel because of T and TB you are missing out. They are nothing. You can't miss nothing...

themidwife · 10/08/2013 00:26

Big hugs - I know it must be so hard. Yes you have us but we aren't there in your real life are we? But we wish we were - honestly. ThanksThanksThanks

thekitchenfairy · 10/08/2013 06:59

Hope you've had a good sleep lovely Waves, please don't feel lonely, we are all here for you and if we could get to you we would, I am sure of that.

In fact if you were on the mainland many miles would be traversed in many directions so we could bring you cake and make you a cuppa. Have some Flowers [flowers ] and Brew Brew to start your day

mistlethrush · 10/08/2013 07:00

Yes, its such a pity that you are where you are - otherwise I'm sure that there would have been a rota.... You'll just have to put up with the support via the ether until you take one of the jobs you've been headhunted for and relocate!

It will get easier - Caspian will stop eating so frantically and you will get more sleep. Your existing two are already helpful, but I'm sure that they will pick up other skills too. Hang in there. Flowers

thekitchenfairy · 10/08/2013 07:01

Blardy early morning typing that obv should have been Flowers Flowers Brew Brew for you Grin

Original poster
wavesandsmiles · 10/08/2013 07:14

Thanks for the Thanks and Brew

I gave up trying to sleep at about 5am and have been mooching around with Mr Squawky ever since.

Almost certain I am going to get the 4 of us away for a week - found some good priced flights to London at the end of the month, and just need to think about what to do and where to go. I honestly think I just need to not be here feeling sorry for myself! And my family and friends railcard lasts til November, so I should try and make the most of it Smile To be honest, even holing up somewhere like a travelodge for a week would be a good break - they have tvs that show more than one channel (my tv is broken and we can only see one channel and we are all bored of that now)

Am also going to potentially set off WW3 in terms of twunt as I am going to ask him for OW's address. He said he was on a wind up to his mate regarding the disgusting messages about changing the bed sheets twice and he hasn't been sleeping with anyone else. God, how STUPID does he think I am. Anyway, over here to petition for divorce on the grounds of adultery you have to have the name and address of the other party as they get served the papers too. And I need the maintenance so badly, I am not going to be a mug, so i am getting the ball rolling there. He is throwing £600 a month to his ex in respect of his older 2 boys, who has no accommodation costs at all, and is refusing to pay me anything at all at the moment, and is completely against paying me anything reasonable.

Argh. Ideas for (very) cheap places to stay with 2 kids and a baby, which have a tv, and a kettle, accessible by train from London welcome Smile

OP posts:
springytooty · 10/08/2013 09:24

I'm not sure grief is 'feeling sorry for yourself' tbh. Sorry to be literal about all this; but it's not a bad idea to use awful pain to learn to have some compassion for ourself. I say 'learn' because, ime, those of us with a toxic upbringing find it almost impossible to have compassion for ourselves - like a magnet repelling. It's quite an interesting task to even begin to approach the idea (and it certainly does feel like a task at the start...).

this isn't twaddle btw, new age shit or something Grin It's surprisingly healing to step over to the other side (from the dark side to the light) Flowers

captainmummy · 10/08/2013 09:27

Waves - you could do worse than stay near Gatwick(where I am!) - it's on a mainline to London and to places like Brighton, Winchester, East coast etc. FlyBe come in here so a local hotel (ok only Premier Inns, Hilton and the like) would be very accessible.

Or look at B&B's?

MissStrawberry · 10/08/2013 11:42

Waves, thank you very much for the lovely card that has just come in the post. How kind when you have so much going on FlowersWine.

He is not going to give you the OW address so you will need to get clever with finding that out Wink. Also I would be wary of telling him anything as he will be obnoxious and make everything as hard as possible. You need to get sneaky and clever.

wheredidiputit · 10/08/2013 11:46

Which Airport are you flying into.

MissStrawberry · 10/08/2013 11:54

Is he still reading your posts? Angry

Original poster
wavesandsmiles · 10/08/2013 12:32

I've been sobbing all morning. My poor DCs. Just so so tired and I do feel bereft. Twunt is gone, I mean the dream is gone forever. This is it isn't it, I'm by myself. He's not going to change or be the person I thought. TB has blown it completely, sent me a shitty text this morning and I've sent an equally shitty one back telling her to ditch the attitude and to get in touch again only when she can be a reasonable human being.

It's just the 4 of us. And nothing, nothing holds us here. I'm not inundated with RL support, always been too busy being a single mum to DS1 and DD and working multiple jobs to forge any real friendships. Hence no one here for hugs or cups of tea.

I feel pathetic. I'm still in my pyjamas, laid in bed with a snoring baby with DS1 and DD also in here, drawing and watching doctor who....

We are going to get away end of August. Flying to gatwick and may just stay at the premier inn there and have days out. Once I can pull myself together enough to get out of bed again I will get the flights booked. Hopefully no more expensive than they were this morning!

missS no bother on the card, where possible I always write thank you notes and I got those done yesterday. Just wish I had the addresses of everyone who has been so kind to me and acrobat/caspian....

I need more tissues!

OP posts:
MissStrawberry · 10/08/2013 12:47

Feels almost wrong but I cheered when I read the beginning of your post as you really needed to get yourself to the point where you knew it was over with twunt and there is no going back at all.

Your mother has done you a favour sending you that text as you know now she is toxic and someone else who it spoiling your lovely life with your three children and someone else you can block out of your life.

Not pathetic. Lovely to be all snuggled up together having fun together listening to a scrumptious baby snoring.

The card really was a lovely surprise as I had forgotten I had put my address on the parcel. I usually do in case it goes awry but that is normally when it is something I have sold or need to check it has arrived.

A change of scenery will do you all some good and when you do relocate you will have no end of MNters willing to be your RL friend and supply cake and cuddles when you need them.