Waves is determined to keep winning now that Acrobat has arrived.

[wavesandsmiles]

So, Acrobat did actually arrive (only just) on the last thread. And he is here and lovely!

Links to previous threads:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1670597-So-DH-said

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1745551-DH-said-DH-left-waves-is-still-being-sick-but-into-the-third-timester

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1801734-Waves-is-winning-Here-comes-the-Acrobat

Just put the maintenance into the hands of the CSA and then ignore any rantings from him about it.

He is a total knob isn't he.

He thought he had a nice cosy set up, probably thought it would take far longer to conceive Caspian than it did, took fright when he saw his share of your assets slipping away, and looked for escape. Only a self serving twunt could turn tail and run, only a bell-end could whine on about his own son needing maintenance when he is a feckless cocklodger who under-estimated waves every step of the way.

Yet more of his true colours. Not a surprise really, that again it's all about him - he won't pay unless he has unsupervised access. Typically no thoughts whatsoever about the baby concerned.

I read that also as that he's not that bothered about access really, if he leaps to that decision so quickly. Which in the long run, might be better all round for you and Caspian.

I do really hope you are going to give consideration to moving away, to the mainland if it's cheaper, away from the toxic influences of him and your mother.

Does the CSA cover where you are? If yes phone them and leave all the hassle to them if not, which I think I remember as being correct then keep the texts and forward to your solicitor or whoever you have to get in touch with re maintenance.

He's a bastard and not worth to be Caspians daddy! C will be better off without him.

Definitely move ?didn't you get head hunted a while ago? Time to act on it.

Big hugs to you and your family

Waves, I am going to be firm but you know this is said with care.

Stop any more interaction with this man. DO NOT give him anything else. No more photos, time, texts, thoughts. Get yourself to the solicitor and sort the divorce. Maintenance is nothing to do with access the fucking thick twat. It is not up to him how much he gives the BABY to live on or how much he sees him. He isn't paying a fucking admission fee to see something he has to provide financially for his child.

You need to get tough and get legal. You really need to realise this man is not who you thought he was and is NEVER going to change into the man you thought he was.

He wanted you to about Caspian.
He made his kids treat you like shit.
He cheated on you.
He did nothing to help when you were suffering when pregnant.
He has made your life hell for God knows how long and is continuing to do so. STOP letting him.

I know it is hard. I have 3 kids and a husband yet still struggle. But I have no one else so know how alone you must feel at times but for your own sake you have to stop hoping for a happy ever after.

You need to get legal advice and protection as he is never going to do the right thing.

Also, this sounds really harsh, but he said he wanted a daughter, the thought of that man being a father, is bad enough, since hes doing a stellar job of raising his older sons to be like him, i feel sad for their future, but him being a father to a girl, i dread that thought, and imagine the kind of shit that he would accept her to put up with, i mean, how can a man like him, he has a disgusting attitude to women, not teach his daughter to put up with the crap his inflicted on Waves.

abort not about. So mad I can't type properly.

Waves, if you were to take that head hunted job the chances are you would never have the see this vile bully again as he won't be arsed with the travel to see Caspian....

He is a pig. Listen to MissStrawberry, she's very wise.

Quick update before I properly read replies.... Caspian and I are discharged from the midwives and he's an ounce over birth weight so is 7lb 4 at 10 days old. Woohoo for the breastfeeding working despite being sore at times.

I also found another lucky 7 in his birth date, as it is exactly 7 weeks before DD's birthday.

Good auspices then is that the right context for 'auspices' you know what I mean! All the 7s!

can't believe that he had reduced me to tears AGAIN

But I can. We all can. This is ALL he will do, all he intends to do. He is the very lowest of the low.

Pick yourself up dear woman. You know you are made of strong stuff. Cut him off, totally. NO more contact, on any pretext. None. Not a drop. YOur lovely son will thank you for it.

Lovely lady, remember that your hormones are contributing to your level of vulnerability now as well, so the tears come very easily.

The thing you have to do for yourself now, seriously, is this:
Knock all hope that Twunt will morph into a decent human on the head NOW

He messages, you get your hopes up. You think "He is interested, he cares!" You ask about money - he effectively tells you to get fucked. Your hope is dashed again and it causes tears.

Stop hoping. He is a grade 1 bastard and is always going to be that.

I do love that you have found another "lucky seven" for Caspian - he is going to be wonderful, and probably far better with having you as a single mum and without all the shit that Twunt causes than having the both of you together.

You ARE doing this - you CAN do this - it's not ideal for you, but you ARE MANAGING.

I really hope you're still considering moving. :)

Hurray for discharge! See what a good job you are doing.

Hurray for weight gain! See what a good job you are doing.

Hurray for another 7! See how good you are at bringing luck to yourself through all the shit certain people are trying to throw at you.

Access & maintenance are two different issues. He can petition for a contact order. He is likely to get only 2 x 1 hour a week visiting the baby under supervision at best. Meanwhile the courts will take 25% of his income & divide it between you & his other ex - she will get 2/3 of that & you 1/3. If you don't have CSA there you need to apply to court NOW & ask for it to be back dated to Caspian's DOB plus costs.

If it is CSA you have there I would phone NOW waves because I'm sure they will start the claim from the time you made the phone call/application, rather than the day Caspian was born. I know it's shit that you have to deal with it this way rather than have twunt be sensible and amicable but please get it done so that he isn't getting away with not paying. How bloody dare he try to get out of paying for a son that he created, that he chose to create with you. What an utter bastard twatting pig. And how the hell does £30 cover everything a child needs?!? What an idiot. As well as bills, clothes, baby accessories etc what about the earnings you'll be losing by being at home with Caspian?!

Please don't let him get to you though lovely, that's what he wants. He enjoys playing emotional games. Listen to what others have said, do not engage at all.

You should be proud of yourself for trying to going along the amicable route and you can take comfort in the fact that you tried for little Caspian's sake but he has thrown everything you've ever offered back in your face. Now is the time to get serious because yours and Caspian's wellbeing depends on it. No contact with twunt unless it's through the CSA or equivalent. He has no contact with Caspian unless he wants to take you to court. You have tried to be reasonable - he's knocked you back every time. Make sure you keep documentation of any emails, letters, texts etc to show the court especially of you making reasonable offers and him rejecting them.

I think he knows how to upset you, Waves, try to rise above his nasty little digs Obviously he is cross about the request for maintenance, specially as he knows you and Caspian are entitled to it!

So sorry he keeps being so unpleasant to you. I would just tell him that if he won't talk to you sensibly you will get legal advice. Oh and don't read his letter, you don't need any extra grief.

I really admire your strength and courage. You will come through this difficult time and you will be stronger and happier in the long run.

No CSA here (which is why my exH has got away with not paying maintenance in well over 5 years now, since he moved away from here). So it is the legal route which is expensive and will involve meetings etc. Can't face that just yet, no matter how much I am managing, the added stress of full blown proceedings in the last thing I need when we are still getting to grips with the basics like feeding and sleeping. And I think it is massively unfair, but twunt probably thinks why should HE have to pay maintenance when DS1 and DD's dad doesn't. But I don't think it is fair that he is paying nearly £600 a month to his ex and begrudges paying me anything. Just not the stress I need at the moment.

On a happier note, I got balloons today - from my mum! She was really upset for me when she heard the place I play at every Sunday didn't even bother to get me a card on the birth of my newest son, despite my giving up 6 months of Sundays every year for 5 years now to play...and then asked who had sent flowers, and I said, well, none have actually been sent, I had two lovely bunches brought round by visiting friends. She was really gutted and said she didn't bother as she assumed I'd be inundated. Anyway, she got me a bunch of balloons with a toy for Caspian tied to them, and got DS1 and DD a big brother/big sister balloon too.

Hungry chops is stirring again, (he is now also a healthy yellow poo factory), and I am also needing to check in on the HG support thread, and continue with writing up my birth story in full (with photos, little text message extracts etc....) So I am planning to feed his hungriness then try and catch up with that, and make a start on thank you cards too. Although I expect that most of that will have to wait til tomorrow as it could well be cluster feeding time.

Get a drink, some chocolate and snuggle up with Caspian and feed him. Don't worry about anything else.

I'm going to steer clear of venting on here about twunt but yay for your mum for sending the balloons!

Glad that C is munching happily too I never thought I'd get to four months BFing after not succeeding very far with DS and I'm so glad you're getting there too.

Well done on 4 months Wing I am a stubborn mule when I need to be, and am quite determined to keep going, as I managed to 6 and 8 months EBM with DS1 and DD. Just ploughing on with latching techniques and lansinoh mostly. And cake.

And he's hungry again. Fingers crossed the cluster feeding bodes for a decent spell of sleep overnight

What about the statutory child maintenance service with the DWP, would that apply for your area?

I am loving MissStrawberry's hurrays!

Hurray for Waves!

Hurray for cake!

Hurray that you got balloons!

Hurray for Lansinoh!

(trying desperately not to type anything bossy or negative, but please, please would you consider getting a new SIM and putting your old one into an old phone that you rarely need to look at, so you don't need to interact? Same with the letter - I know in my core that it will upset you, and if not, even worse, it could give you a sense of false (and cruel) hope - please don't open it). Even better, post your SIM to a friend.

Entirely agree with Beryl re the sim. There is no need for you to be available to Twunt whenever he feels like it. Get a new sim for your everyday normal use, and keep the old sim so you can check it infrequently. If you could actually give it to someone else who would pop it into their phone occasionally so they can check his texts for you and relay facts to you, but not rants and spoilt brat crap, that would be great. I'd do it for you!

Well done on the bf front. I had to give up after 9days, and I spent quite a few years feeling so guilty about it. (Can't help thinking that if my mw had been different, I might have got a bit further. She really wasn't a fan.)

Hooray for balloons, cake, bf, and most of all, for you!

How was your night Waves? Did Caspian stuff his face and then sleep? .

He didn't sleep so well last night, I had 3 hours sleep altogether.... And have only just sat down for the first time after such a buy day. We were all straight up and out for a newborn photo session which lasted over 4 hours (my heart dropped a bit when I saw how expensive it is to actually buy any photos after!) then popped to TB's house which didn't go too well. She is demanding tons of time taking Ds1 and DD out and my saying no causes her to go into a strop. Now she is also cross as I don't want her to hold a "meet caspian" party at her house, at which she will invite who she wants, at a time to suit her (but definitely an evening after working hours). Evenings are the worst possible time as that is when I am shattered and he is hungry. So I said no, why don't you let people contact me to arrange seeing him, which they can do on an individual basis at my house. Cue big hump! I also pointed out I don't feel remotely obligated to her friends and family given only 1 auntie (who's already met caspian anyway) and 1 uncle have sent a card, and this is out of 8. Anyway, determined to stand my ground as I don't need her barging back in and having mini strops because I don't bend immediately to her wishes.

After that, came home so my cousin and his wife and kids (the one who has been helping loads) could see caspian, and then the health visitor came too for his new baby check and a general chat. She spouted a load of rubbish about breastfeeding and it being essential to get c in a routine now and that there is no such thing as fore and hind milk. Cousins wife was sat next to me, she is an NCT breastfeeding counsellor so I knew that inside her jaw would be dropping.

Other than that, it went very well, I apparently excel at being a mum and no hint of pnd, I am, to quote the HV, chirpy as a buttercup I said, well who wouldn't be, I've had 11 days of not being or feeling sick after 9 months of feeling so ill just getting out of bed was an effort. And he passed his hearing test.

No idea what to do about twunt situation. Part of me still believes that deep down he is good, but that he has some major major problems which have got in the way. And I feel bad for him if he can't address those as he will never be happy, and I also realise that he has lost out hugely in losing me, whatever he says to his RL "friends" on Facebook about me. He knows he is making half of it up, and if they believe him, well, I guess I was guilty of that too, as I believed what he said about his ex having all these online affairs, and maybe she didn't. But at what stage do you disbelieve someone as a first instinct? Mine has always been to trust.

Argh. I'm not wavering, just pondering. And hoping I will have learned a lot from this experience, and that ill continue to be a good or even excellent mum.

My Homestart volunteer is coming Friday and has promised to take my recycling (no collections here, all has to be taken to the being banks and I can't honestly see how I can manage especially as DS and DD aren't talk enough to reach most of the bins to put stuff in)

Tomorrow I'm now allowing TB to take DS1 and DD to "give me a break". I don't need a break from my children and just want a quiet day with my new family, all of us together.