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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Waves is determined to keep winning now that Acrobat has arrived.

988 replies

wavesandsmiles · 28/07/2013 12:21

So, Acrobat did actually arrive (only just) on the last thread. And he is here and lovely!

Links to previous threads:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1670597-So-DH-said

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1745551-DH-said-DH-left-waves-is-still-being-sick-but-into-the-third-timester

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1801734-Waves-is-winning-Here-comes-the-Acrobat

OP posts:
Doha · 05/08/2013 15:19

I would be tempted to sent it back unopened. There cannot possibly be anything useful in it probably all excuses and blame placed firmly at your door.
You don't need this at all.
You have your precious wee family and are coping so well, don't let him into your headspace at all.
I am so glad Caspian loves his blanketl was a bit afraid you could change your mind about the initial of his first nameluckily you didn't Grin

Now go eat some cake, that's an order, to make up for all that you missed while growing our acrobat.

themidwife · 05/08/2013 15:43

More mind fuckery I'm afraid! I know it'll be tempting to open it but please shred unread. He has what he wanted. No need for further communication right now. Caspian is too young to be separated from you & your boobs & if you don't want to see him it's tough really!

Original poster
wavesandsmiles · 05/08/2013 16:02

I just don't know..... Nothing I can do til I receive it anyway.

In the meantime I am officially a human milk machine so it's good I baked this morning. Hurrah for Lansinoh (thanks wing for the extra supplies, received today) and for the next week I'm sort of looking after the HG support thread as the usual superstar who takes care of everyone there is away, so I'm stepping in... So what with a newborn and baking and the HG group, I will have plenty to occupy me.

OP posts:
GoodtoBetter · 05/08/2013 16:11

I lurk a lot waves and am blown away b your amazingness. Try not to fret about the letter, he's such a arse, he's quite likely never to actually write it in the end.
Maybe ou could get some biscuit cutters from www.lakeland.co.uk? I think they post fairly cheaply?

captainmummy · 05/08/2013 16:40

It will be all him him him, blame firmly on you, and there will be nothing in it that you can usefully use. He is NOT coming back, you don't WANT him back, there is no marriage any more - nothing he can say will change any of that.

All it will do is open old wounds, re-toxify your life and get in your head.

It's you and your own little family now. I really hope you re-visit your plans to move to the mainland, far far away from him.

AgathaF · 05/08/2013 16:53

I think the letter is to get your attention in a new way. Texts, face-to-face etc are all not working for him at the moment, so this is a new tactic. Please treat it as just that. Nothing he can say will change what he has done, and what he continues to do, to you and your three children. This is not him turning over a new leaf - it's him forcing his toxic presence into your life yet again, because it suits him to at this moment.

MissStrawberry · 05/08/2013 17:37

He really is so deluded, or stupid, that he thinks a letter with all the crap it will contain is really going to get him back in your life. Even if it is a genuine letter of apology it is too little too late and there isn't anything he can do to make up for what he has done to you and your children. Your next step, imho, should be divorce.

shiningcadence · 05/08/2013 19:14

Could your support worker read it for you and then relay anything that might be relevant/of importance i.e regarding maintenance or contact with C? And not relay anything that is abusive or written to make you feel guilty/play on your heart strings. If you don't want your support worker to read it maybe forwarding it to one of us and getting us to do the same thing? There was a poster upthread (sorry can't remember who it was) who said that she used to do this for another mnetter.

Original poster
wavesandsmiles · 05/08/2013 19:19

My support worker just went on holiday for a fortnight Sad well, not sad for her obviously but means a bit of a wait. Letter may never even materialise and then ill be fretting for longer over nothing. Sigh. DS1 and DD have declared my coffee and walnut cake to be epic. Trouble is I kind of combined a few recipes/made it up as I went along so goodness knows how I will make that again.

I'm shattered, hoping for a bit more sleep tonight. If that doesn't materialise I'm postponing tomorrows baking session and planning to try to nap instead.

OP posts:
WingDefence · 05/08/2013 19:25

You're more than welcome waves :)

If/when the letter arrives I wouldn't bother reading it. Send it on to one of us, not to open obviously, for safekeeping (in case of future legal action eg?). Then you don't have to worry about what's inside or when it may arrive as you know that when it does it will hold no power over you.

On a different point, I quite fancy a bit of your cake now! Mmmm. [why is there no cake icon Hmm ]

AgathaF · 05/08/2013 19:54

Personally waves, if you've accepted that your relationship with him is over, then I might be tempted to text him and say that you don't wish to receive any letters from him, or indeed any correspondence of an unnecessary nature in future. It's ridiculous that he can upset you like this whenever and however he chooses.

I hope you ate plenty of cake yourself. It must feel so lovely to be able to eat again.

Wishing you a peaceful and sleep-filled night.

thegreylady · 05/08/2013 20:49

What an absolutely scrumptious baby Flowers

mistlethrush · 05/08/2013 20:57

I made an absolutely epic ginger cake one time... trouble is that I think I started on one recipe and finished on the one on the opposite page. So I've never been able to replicate it!

Letter... I think the 'text' saying you don't wish to receive it is a good idea. We already know how it will be full of how badly you were treating him (between throwing up) and that your children were running wild whilst his were hard done by....

springytooty · 05/08/2013 21:10

Perfect responses from posters re the letter - especially Doha 's

I would be tempted to sent it back unopened. There cannot possibly be anything useful in it probably all excuses and blame placed firmly at your door.
You don't need this at all.
You have your precious wee family and are coping so well, don't let him into your headspace at all.

Look how much time and headspace this impending so-say-important letter has already taken up! You are settling into a lovely, peaceful space... and along he comes, stirring up anxiety. You just don't. need. this. (It will probably contain The List, anyway re The List of What Is Wrong With You.... TIRESOME TIRESOME TIRESOME)

I know it's tempting but pleeeease don't read it waves! Please? . I can't see that there would be anything of any constructive use, and very probably some horrible stuff as well, sending you into yet another spin. You've done enough spinning.

It may be hard for you to send it back - maybe put it in a box and bury it somewhere. I have read enough 'letters' in my lifetime that I sincerely wish I had never read: sick people who want to pour their poison over one. Enough already.

TiredFeet · 05/08/2013 21:16

wow he doesn't get to just leave you in peace at all does he! agree that it might be wise to shred it / send it back unopened (but obviously do what you feel you need to)

loving the sound of all your baking! it must be lovely to be able to enjoy food again after everything

fingers crossed you get some decent sleep tonight

Thumbwitch · 06/08/2013 07:13

Look at it like this Waves - the letter isn't going to contain anything either nice or useful. In fact, it's going to be as much worth waiting for as a wankstained tissue - so put of out of your mind.

Bummer re epic cake being non-reproducible!

springytooty · 06/08/2013 08:27

He is cruel, waves - bear that in mind.

Hope you had a good sleep last night xx

shiningcadence · 06/08/2013 08:45

Sorry to bring up the letter business again, but I think that if you did decide that you wanted your support worker to read it for you as I mentioned upthread, then a week wait won't matter. I don't think anything in the letter will be urgent information. If you wanted one of us to do the same I would be willing to do it for you - though understand you may feel it's potentially too private to share with another person.

shiningcadence · 06/08/2013 08:46

Śorry, a 2 week wait won't matter

Original poster
wavesandsmiles · 06/08/2013 10:42

Oh shit. He asked this am to be sent some photos, I obliged and sent him loads and asked when he'd start paying maintenance.

He's gone on a big rant saying he can't afford £300 a month, and that at most it is only costing me £30 a month to care for this baby, and he won't be financially responsible anyway if he can't have regular unsupervised access.

(Because I don't have a huge mortgage to pay to keep a roof over this baby's head or anything Confused) And he CAN'T have the access he wants because I am EBF on demand a tiny baby! He really cannot sink any lower in my estimation now.

I know that the courts regard maintenance and access as completely separate issues, and can't believe that he had reduced me to tears AGAIN at the prospect of having to go to court about flipping maintenance.

I am so disappointed in myself for ever trusting him, for falling for him in the first place and failing to see through the facade. I went through all this crap with my exH, and cannot believe it is happening again, and my son is only 10 days old.

The letter will be totally meaningless, he is a poor excuse for a man with NO morals, NO empathy and not a kind bone in his body.

I need tissues and cannot bring myself to do any baking.

OP posts:
Ezio · 06/08/2013 10:48

He must be as thick as shit if he thinks his son is a pay per view child.

And that it only cost 30 a month to raise a baby, that his is from a father.

Now i wonder how he gets dressed in the morning, do his pants end up on his head.

Thick tosser!!!

oldwomaninashoe · 06/08/2013 10:50

Oh Waves, don't let him upset you he is not worth your tears, he is not fit to be on the sole of your shoe!

Original poster
wavesandsmiles · 06/08/2013 10:59

Oh, because I am exclusively breastfeeding, and will be moving to reusable nappies in the next couple of weeks, that is why it costs £30 maximum to raise the baby. He has also been so cruel to say that I "planned" this baby long before I met him. He KNOWS (as I shared a long long time ago) that just 2 months before we got together I had a termination due to my discovering my ex boyfriend was cheating on me, and me knowing that I couldn't afford nor face being a single mum to 3, especially with my history of problematic pregnancies. And yes, I am really emotional still about that, it was a decision that was SO HARD to make, and then he says that I planned the baby long before him, when he knows what I did, and then he was a total cock anyway, and I'm where I was so scared of being, and having had the worst pregnancy totally unsupported. I just want to fly away with my little ones and not be here. How can he be so hideously unkind?

OP posts:
TigerSwallowTail · 06/08/2013 10:59

Phone the CSA and let him argue with them, as you say, maintenance and access are two completely different things.