Happily married but considering abortion

[confused75]

I found out i was pregnant last week. I think I am probably about the five week mark.

I was initially in shock but as the week has gone on, I feel increasing negative about the pregnancy.

I am in my late thirties and have never been especially maternal and my hubby is around the same age. We both work a lot, we aren't rich but we do enjoy traveling and our current freedom.

I am really surprised at how negative my reaction has been. If I had known how strong my reaction was I would have taken more precautions.

I also feel incredibly selfish that I would be considering abortion when I really have a wonderful husband who will support me through anything. We both agree that if we went through with the abortion it would also be an agreement to remain child free. This thought doesn't scare me too much but maybe it is my nerves and fears taking over,

I feel like a freak of nature! Has anyone else had any similar experiences or advice?

[rob99]

The reason I had a vasectomy was that we'd had two children and we didn't want any more/couldn't afford any more and I didn't want my wife to take the pill (I have a thing against pills on health grounds). I think there is a distinction between terminating a pregnancy and contraception. I thought my decision was quite responsible and caring......and how do you know it wasn't my wife that wanted to have her way and not be inconvenienced

[rob99]

Alconleigh...... I'm sure it helps to look at it that way but it's not the way I look at it and I don't say that to be horrible because I'm sure it was a difficult and upsetting time. I've got 2 grown up daughters and I'd like to think I'd support them fully in their decision if they were in this situation even if I didn't necessarily agree with it.

[filee777]

I really think this thread should go back to being about confused...

[fuzeshi]

rob, I'm sure your daughters will feel very supported by you when you call them man-hating murderers who should have kept their legs closed.

[Val007]

I cannot help but notice how many women feel bad about spending money on their children. Do you hate yourselves so much, really?

I ask that, because I view my children as an extention of me. My genes will hopefully continue to live long after I am dead through my children, grandchildren etc. I personally do not and cannot make a difference between me and my children. Actually, they are always a priority and the only feeling I get when spending money on my kids is joy.

PS I also hate watching kids' movies, but... what can you do?... Evey silver lining has its cloud ;)


OP, if you were trying to conceive, then please do not be scared of these feelings. And please, allow your husband to have a say as well. I am sorry to say, but in your situation I sense that if you abort the baby, your husband will leave you. Don't ask me why - we have seen too many similar cases in life and in history.

[Twirlyhot]

'I sense that if you abort the baby, your husband will leave you. Don't ask me why - we have seen too many similar cases in life and in history.'

What unpleasant bullshit.

[ChippingInHopHopHop]

Val007 - Have you seen a therapist about that? It is not normal or right to think of your children as an extension of you. They are their own person and it would do you well to remember that as they grow up.

... and as for the rest of the bullshit... really? Get a grip and take it for a walk.

[pommedechocolat]

Val007 - who is 'we' ?? Seriously?? Are you rob99's wife?

[filee777]

The prophet

On children

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

[Twirlyhot]

Did someone sound he klaxon in batshit central?

[PfftTheMagicDraco]

OP: I hope that you and your H have managed to talk and decide what it is that you want.

For what it's worth, being married doesn't mean that you are forced to continue a pregnancy. There is no should, just that you can do what you think is best for you. Not for society, not because of what people might think of you. For you.

[PfftTheMagicDraco]

It's pretty disgusting that some posters have used a woman's plea for advice into an opportunity to spout their own trumpets. This isn't the place for your pro-life propaganda. Take it somewhere else, preferably somewhere that nobody can hear you, or see you.

As to the poster asking why she came here, a parents forum to ask advice, that's pretty much the stupidest question on the thread.

[confused75]

okay this thread has gone on a lot of tangents. understandable given how emotive the subject is.

we are still talking and talking.

a few points though, in n.ireland the criteria for an abortion is extremely narrow, and the vast majority of people from here travel to england for the procedure.

To val who has a feeling that my husband is going to leave me, that is one thing i am completely certain won't happen, we are making this decision together. we are in this together whatever the outcome.

To rob who suggested i should have kept my legs closed, that comment pretty much invalidates your other input which i had previously said i accepted. i don't know what your deleted comments were, i did not see them.

To the person who asked why i would ask this on a parenting forum, i did this because i wanted to here from women who might have felt the same thing. All of the experiences shared here have really helped me question the roots of my feelings, were they going to permanent, am i underestimating the hormones? THANK YOU to everyone who shared. it has been enormously helpful. I just didn't want to get stuck in a negative train of thought and the questions people asked me have really challenged me. i am going to take a break from the internet for a few days and keep thinking and talking.

Again, thanks to everyone

[SunshineBossaNova]

Confused, I hope you're okay. Good luck with whatever you decide xxx

[AmandaPandtheTantrumofDoom]

OP- Sorry about all the bullshit. I hope you are ok. I am glad to hear that you and your DH are talking. I hope you make the decision that is right for you.

If you go to Marie Stopes in Belfast, I am sure you know this, but be ready for protesters outside.

[Trills]

Two weeks ago you did not want to be pregnant. You did not want to have a child.

You've taken a test that says you are pregnant.

But there's really no reason why you would suddenly change your mind and WANT to be pregnant or to have a child.

I think a parenting forum is a very good place to discuss pregnancy and abortion. Many women who have abortions are mothers at the time, or go on to become mothers at a later time.

[Twirlyhot]

A lot of the women having abortions are married/in long term relationships and already have children. This is a good place to ask.

I wish you well with whatever you decide.

[RaRaZ]

Do you think - not aimed at everyone, obviously - we could perhaps go back to the OP's dilemma? I appreciate my own posts could be seen as me 'having an agenda', so I'd like to make clear that I am NOT against abortion. However, I think it's important that people realise how awful it can be for the women involved. Spouting pro-life propaganda ain't gonna help here. This lady needs practical advice, not to be told she's immoral or doing a bad thing if she has an abortion. She isn't: the foetus is not an independent life. It feels nothing and knows nothing. Abortion might not be nice, but I don't think anyone is claiming that it is. No-one really wants an abortion in the sense of aspiring to have one, but sometimes it is necessary for social/emotional/financial reasons, and a woman shouldn't be victimised for making that decision. OP, you asked for help here. I hope you're getting it. The best advice I can give you is to follow your gut instinct. In my experience, ignore it at your peril (and to hell with logic).

[rob99]

I'm not a troll. I suppose trying to get someone barred from a site is one way of getting rid of someone with a different opinion to your own. I feel like this has been a bit of a witch hunt and my keep your legs shut comment was in reply to an equally flippant and ridiculous post.

I'm a bit shocked TBH....I assumed kids were always in safe hands with women-folk.....I'm really shocked.

[AmandaPandtheTantrumofDoom]

Oh don't be so ridiculous Rob. No one minds an opinion. You would be perfectly entitled to express to the OP that you are anti-abortion and don't think that that should be her choice. You can do that as part of PARD which does not descend to hyperbole and reciting your own political opinion again and again like some particularly offensive stuck record.

It hasn't been a witch hunt. It has been a group of posters calling you on wildly inappropriate behaviour utterly lacking in empathy.

As for your last statement. It isn't a child. But even if it were, you don't believe that. No one who has ever seen the news believes that. So stop making dramatic and implausible statements to try and further your argument.