Happily married but considering abortion

[confused75]

I found out i was pregnant last week. I think I am probably about the five week mark.

I was initially in shock but as the week has gone on, I feel increasing negative about the pregnancy.

I am in my late thirties and have never been especially maternal and my hubby is around the same age. We both work a lot, we aren't rich but we do enjoy traveling and our current freedom.

I am really surprised at how negative my reaction has been. If I had known how strong my reaction was I would have taken more precautions.

I also feel incredibly selfish that I would be considering abortion when I really have a wonderful husband who will support me through anything. We both agree that if we went through with the abortion it would also be an agreement to remain child free. This thought doesn't scare me too much but maybe it is my nerves and fears taking over,

I feel like a freak of nature! Has anyone else had any similar experiences or advice?

[Snazzyenjoyingsummer]

So how self-centred is it to come onto an internet forum, call the users 'murderers' and other names, but expect them (and the forum) to help you out with your own problems? On a scale of one to ten?

Anyway, Amanda is right. This is a thread started by one person to debate the pros and cons of their own decision.

OP, did you have much discussion about those pros and cons with your DH before this happened? Had you thought about practicalities like how your careers will be affected and so on? You need to have a clearer view of what your lives would be like if you had a child. It's not a bed of roses but neither is it inevitably all sacrifices and the loss of self you fear.

[Snazzyenjoyingsummer]

rob99 apology appreciated.

[Snazzyenjoyingsummer]

And rob99 I would look in the Conception and Infertility sections for the kind of information relevant to your own situation.

[Pinupgirl]

I am bit puzzled as to why you decided to share this problem on a forum specifically for parents?

But anyway-its your choice to make. Ask yourself how you would feel if you had an abortion and were never able to fall pregnant again? How would you feel?-devastated or would you accept it? There's your answer.

[5madthings]

So the embryo/feutus is only an innocent child entitled to life if it wasnt concieved via rape... Kind of crap argument there. I would have more respect for your views rob if you were at least consistent.

Anyway this is not the place for a debate on abortion. I hope the op manages to make a decision that she is happy with.

I do agree that the shock of realising you are really preg can make you panic so the op will need to think if its panic/shock or a deaper realisation that she really doesnt want a child, only she can know and make that choice and i wish her all the best, whatever her choice xxx

[rob99]

Given the circumstances (rape). I said I would fully support the woman's choice either way. I understand that you don't like my views so I can see why you'd choose to try and discredit my argument with a specific and unpleasant scenario like a pregnancy as a result of rape. Well done.

[welshharpy]

Op, no you are no freak of nature! Lots of women freak out finding out they are pregnant and it is very, very scary. It is good that you have your partner to help you deal with this and support you in whatever decision you BOTH make. As others have mentioned previously give Marie Stopes a call and reach out for advice and information before you decide.
Practically speaking kids will completely change you both and your relationship but if you are in a strong partnership then you should cope and grow as a family unit. Be warned though, babies and kids can be hard, tiring, tedious and when you have jobs etc aswell it can be overwhelming at times.
On a personal note I have always thought of myself as quite a selfish person and will readily admit it. Me and hubbie have a 10yr old who is our absolute joy but I would be lying if I said I did not yearn for time just as a couple like we used to be and if asked if I would do this all again I am not totally sure I would.
Since dc came along every single aspect of our lives has changed even down to little things like no more spontaneous sex, leisurely days out shopping, impromptu visits to cinema, dirty weekends away, odd evening at the pub etc etc but we are actively trying to change that. Years of kids tv, films, and kiddie friendly holidays have made life very tedious and I am no longer willing to put up with it. Unfortunately we both have families that will not help out with childcare at all so any time together as a couple has to be planned beforeheand and is very rare but getting better.
Do you both have family near to you that would help with childcare and the inevitable school runs? If so that helps enormously and give you both some well-earned couple alone time as you would both need it! Good luck with whatever you both decide! x

[HaveIGotPoosForYou]

I hope you have had a chance to speak to your partner OP and had a real heart to heart about what you feel.

I hope you are feeling OK.

Best wishes :)

[StillSeekingSpike]

'trust me, they don't tell you what's going to happen to you even when you ask'

ER- in my situation 'they' did. the nurses and medical staff was absolutely lovely and very supportive. And I only had a local anaesthetic. Believe me, I have had much much worse operations. Pain/ discomfort wise- it was about like getting a tooth filled.

[treacleturkey]

Madame - you mentioned that nothing can top holding your baby in your arms for the very first time - I have to disagree; with the birth of both of my dc I was so drugged up and ill that with my firswt birth I proceeded to throw up all over the midwife and barely rememember holding my first dc.

The second time again, felt so exhausted/drugged (also had flu, followed by 26hr labour) that i dont even remember holding ds before we got home. Sad but true .

I dont think we should be glamming up the birth process or making it seem all nostalgic/magical to the poor OP, when sometimes it doesnt happen that way.

[RaRaZ]

You were extremely lucky then, Spike - in my case, I had to fight to get the answers to the simplest question in two different hospitals and at BPAS; it was a bloody nightmare and the most horrific thing I've ever been through. Tbf, I reacted badly and managed to have three of the 'extremely unlikely' side effects one after the other, so I certainly didn't have an easy run of it. I think you were lucky to have so little pain (or I assume that's what you mean as I've never had a tooth filled) - there was a hell of a lot of loud crying going on on the ward I was on. Personally, I was for nearly 48 hours, had to be put on a drip containing a cocktail of drugs overnight, and was given morphine to cope with the termination. When they eventually discharged me, I was still so weak I could barely walk. For the fortnight after, I was back in hospital every 2-3 days and was re-admitted twice in the month after the termination, including once for a D&C.

[RaRaZ]

Also, I totally agree with Mary - sometimes your DP can be so desperate to support you and make things easier for you that he doesn't tell you his true feelings. You need to have a good, honest talk. Good luck.

[Alconleigh]

I found the procedure fine as well, although was only at 10 weeks and they used a general. The hospital staff were fairly brusque, but that's often true. I find it irritating that women are only "allowed" to have had a termination if they also say they suffered greatly and it haunts them to this day (this isn't aimed at you RaRaZ, you sound like you had a terrible time, just a point about the discourse around this subject).
I was 23, in my first job in London, shagging someone who I wasn't in a relationship with. Having that child would have been a disaster. So I didn't. And it's ok for you to make the same decision op, if that's what you want.

[treacleturkey]

Agree with Alconleigh

[pommedechocolat]

rob99 - get a grip.

I had an abortion six weeks ago. happily married, two dc. Possibility of wanting a third. Timing so far off the mark though that the idea was eventually after more soul searching untenable.

I felt that I had to chose dh and the dds and not 'bet' on a third dc who was at that point a cluster of cells under a cm big. i could not risk anything about my current situation being challenged.

The procedure itself physically was ok, emotionally tricky as I was in a catholic country and religious doctors and nurses are immoral it would seem.

Emotionally afterwards has been very hard, as is to be expected I guess. A lot of self examination. Ultimately though I made the decision I did and that is that.

Noone can tell you what the right answer is. There is no right answer, either way will be ok.

[rob99]

I have a grip....we live in a throwaway society, why should a potential life be any different......

[pommedechocolat]

In your opinion, in your life. This is unapplicable and quite frankly of no worth at all to anyone one this thread who has faced that situation and made that decision.

[Gerryweather]

I was in your position and took the action you are considering and deeply regret it. After the abortion all the fears and negativity about being pg disappeared and I realised they had been hormonal. And I had been v. V. Negative. You should consider if this may be the case for you. I feel horror and guilt and regret every day 18 months later.

[rob99]

It might be of worth to someone on this thread who teetering on the brink of making a decision to abort their baby.....unless I've completely misunderstood in which case I apologise.

[Snazzyenjoyingsummer]

Rob you mentioned in an earlier post that you'd had a vasectomy. Didn't you feel bad about all the 'potential life' you were throwing away? Surely that action of yours was symptomatic of a 'throwaway' society in which you wished to have your way and not be inconvenienced?

[Gerryweather]

I should add I was lucky enough to get pg again and now have a ds who is v hard work but whom I love immensely. I don't think I realised before that having brings more love into your life and that is what life is about really.

[Snazzyenjoyingsummer]

Rob, please stop making inflammatory remarks and then retreating behind 'oh, I must have misunderstood, I do apologise'. After the first couple of times it becomes clear that you are stirring and then retreating when challenged. Whatever the motive is, it doesn't seem genuinely helpful to me.

[Alconleigh]

I didn't abort a child. Fairly sure that's not possible.