Happily married but considering abortion

[confused75]

I found out i was pregnant last week. I think I am probably about the five week mark.

I was initially in shock but as the week has gone on, I feel increasing negative about the pregnancy.

I am in my late thirties and have never been especially maternal and my hubby is around the same age. We both work a lot, we aren't rich but we do enjoy traveling and our current freedom.

I am really surprised at how negative my reaction has been. If I had known how strong my reaction was I would have taken more precautions.

I also feel incredibly selfish that I would be considering abortion when I really have a wonderful husband who will support me through anything. We both agree that if we went through with the abortion it would also be an agreement to remain child free. This thought doesn't scare me too much but maybe it is my nerves and fears taking over,

I feel like a freak of nature! Has anyone else had any similar experiences or advice?

[Kernowgal]

Ugh, what a horrible post Rob99. Can I assume you are a pro-lifer?

Why should the OP feel guilty for having the freedom to travel and enjoy a child-free life? Granted it's not ideal to find herself pregnant, but despite what others say I'd think a negative reaction like that is one that should be listened to.

Better to terminate and then think carefully about how you feel, than to go through with a pregnancy and potentially resent your child. There are already too many stories on this board from people who felt they were at best an inconvenience to their parents.

[rob99]

Kernowgal. I can't believe how glibly you make a comparison between the freedom to travel and the life of a human being.

I'd rather feel inconvenient to my parents than be dead.

[5madthings]

Well and embryo/feutus doesn't feel/think anything so its a moot point.

Not all pregnancies are planned, contraception is not 100% . and women have the right to bodily autonomy. Unless you don't have sex there is always a chance of pregnancy, its far better to terminate a pregnancy than bring an unwanted child into the world. Or maybe rob is going to adopt all the unwanted children if they want women to continue with an unwanted pregnancy?

Op I hope you reach a choice you are happy with, I would listen to your gut feeling.

[motherinferior]

I am deeply impressed by people whose lives didn't change when they had kids. I found mine did, and mainly for the worse in terms of money, freedom and the quality of the films I saw.

[Mumsyblouse]

I do think it's telling though that you were not trying to prevent a pregnancy- you say you would have tried harder to prevent it if you'd known how negative you would feel which makes me think you were either trying or leaving it to fate. It is not unusual to have a real panic when you get pregnant and have both positive and negative feelings, or even overwhelmingly negative ones, I cried buckets and really panicked those first few weeks feeling incredibly trapped even though I had chosen to get pregnant. It didn't make sense, but for me, going ahead was something I had already decided to do, and, many years later, I don't know what I was panicking about, but it wasn't this happy time I had expected.

Good luck with making your decision, my experience may not be at all similar to yours, and I've known people make both decisions when in this situation and in both cases they are happy with them.

[ANormalOne]

First of all, ignore rob66they're not here to help, they're here to guilt trip you into making choices they agree with.

It's your decision, and if you choose to include your husband his too, but you have the final say. Do not let anyone guilt trip you into doing something you don't want to do, whether that be abortion, adoption or continuing the pregnancy.

People are saying that they've never met a woman who has regretted keeping a child, but there are women who do, just search it on google, that is no life for a child to lead and there are plenty of threads on here about distant parents. As far as I am concerned, I'd rather regret not having children.

I really, really recommend you contact Marie Stopes, their number is 0845 300 8090 and they are open 24/7, they offer, pressure free, support to women struggling over the decision to abort or continue a pregnancy, they will give you the facts you need to know.

Speaks to your husband, speak them and think long and hard about what you want - I hope everything works out well for you OP.

[Mumsyblouse]

Motherinferior- how old are your children? I have not found my life has changed unalterably, the first few years yes, but now my children are late primary age and I compare my life to those of my friends who chose not to have children, we are all similar, have professional jobs, the odd holiday, money worries at times, love meeting up with old friends. We get together every few years and our lives aren't much different, we are all mid-forties. Not sure what they are doing with their 'freedom' but it doesn't seem completely different than what we do, perhaps more opportunities to go to the cinema, but once your children are in their teens, there's not even a babysitting issue.

I think the one thing that can utterly change everything is if you have a child who has a disability which affects your choices in this regard.

[motherinferior]

Mine are 10 and 12. I just miss having an untrammelled life in which I went to the cinema a couple of times a week and didn't have to clutter my head with other people's stuff. Or worry about education. I have two degrees already, dammit, I don't need to do tables practice again. I don't want to go to the park, not voluntarily. Left to my own devices I would not watch Ice Age 4. These things do not, in the main, enhance the quality of my day to day life and they are the enduring stuff of parenting.

[Alconleigh]

Ignore Rob99. I imagine women doing anything other than sacrificing themselves entirely gets him frothing.

[treacleturkey]

Annie, I could have written your post!

I dont really regret having my dc but sometimes i have leaned towards feeling that way, and both my relationships with my dc's fathers fell apart because i resented my personal space being taken away from me.

[motherinferior]

I'd rather blow the money we've spent on a sedate gite in Northern France and bog off to India on my own. These longings have not left me.

[treacleturkey]

IGNORE ROB99 please!!! Obviously has a heart of stone.

[confused75]

thanks again everyone. yes we were leaving things to fate and it my bad reaction to the positive test which is raising this question.

I do understand Rob's reaction too and expected it, his points are all part of my dilemma too.

It is very reassuring to know that women do get through these feelings and that maternal feeling I expected to feel doesn't always happen and doesn't even magically appear when the baby is born either.

My husband is supportive of me but is very much playing devils advocate rather than having strong feelings either way. I live in a place where abortion is not available so i would have to travel so any decision i make won't be flippant or taken likely. i can see from my op that people would think i am being flippant about it and it is lifestyle choice. I just can't articulate how i feel about the loss of me rather than the joy of a baby.

[Mumsyblouse]

Motherinferior yes, all this is true, I guess as mine have got older, I don't feel obliged to watch what they are watching and they are very independent (all that benign neglect has paid off) but of course there is that constant having to think about others (only a few years and you can leave them at home though). I enjoy it though (probably not rational), one man's meat and all that. That's why this is a very personal decision.

[treacleturkey]

I can totally understand your sense of loss of self, and wish i had considered this properly before i got pg at 19! it is a lot to think about and dont let anyone on here push you into keeping something youre not sure you can deal with.....

[hermioneweasley]

You live In a country where abortion is not available, but you decided to test whether you wanted to start a family by being relaxed about contraception? That seems to be a huge gamble, I hope you're not as cavalier about everything.

As other posters have said, having kids changes your live irrevocably, most of it not for the better. I wouldn't change what we did, but I am secondary care giver. Coukd absolutely not be primary or SAHM.

[Longtalljosie]

I just wanted to say the "oh Jesus holy crap my life is over" reaction to pregnancy can happen even if you were desperate to get upduffed (as I was) and if you end up very happy to be a mum. It's just an appreciation of how much your life is about to change. I don't envy you a very tough decision but I wouldn't want you to think reacting that way means you're not cut out for parenthood...

[Twirlyhot]

She said 'more careful'. That could mean belt (pill) and braces (condom) rather than just one, and is a bit irrelevant now. Also, Ireland would count as one of those countries. Also, horse, stable door, bolted.

[crossparsley]

i can see from my op that people would think i am being flippant about it and it is lifestyle choice.

Anyone who thinks that about you is morally, emotionally and imaginatively challenged. Please don't factor in what [x] would think about you - it's your life, and your marriage, and he/she would or would not be your child. Just focus on that and you've got a good chance of making a choice that turns out well for you in the end. You sound thoughtful and responsible, so trust yourself.

As for the "deathbed-side" stuff - that has to be the weakest argument for having a baby ever. (a) it's hugely selfish - children are people, not assets to be drawn down when you're old; (b) I will not be at my mother's, unless by co-incidence I am in the same city and she can remember my name (not dementia, she calls me and DSis by her fecking cats' names and has their photos on the mantelpiece) so there's no guarantee.

[Mumsyblouse]

I can just relate to the overwhelming negativity and wanted to throw it out there that it doesn't always translate into not enjoying motherhood, but it's also true that motherhood does change your identity and your freedom and for some, that's not for the better. It is also very difficult in the first couple of years and easy to feel you have been lost. I don't feel like that now and have a very similar lifestyle to my friends who don't have children, as I am quite career oriented and still go away to see friends/have quite a large amount of independence. But this is a very personal thing.

Good luck with your decision.

[Snazzyenjoyingsummer]

From what you say, it doesn't sound as if either you or your DH have ever been fully certain that you want a child. How did you make the decision to try to get pregnant? (or at least not to try and prevent it, which is the same thing whether you realised it or not)

Practical issues: would you have family to help with the load? Can you afford full-time childcare? I am happy being a parent who gets to work full-time (love my career and find it very fulfilling) and I think if I'd had to stay at home I would have found it a lot harder.

[Mumsyblouse]

longtalljosie that's what I was getting at, I cried for days when I found out and not in a good way and thought my life was over. It wasn't and I love having children. This doesn't mean the Op is having this reaction, though, just that there are a range of reasons why you might feel 'oh my god' when you see you are pregnant.

[confused75]

I live in northren ireland which although is part of UK, does not allow abortion.