Happily married but considering abortion

[confused75]

I found out i was pregnant last week. I think I am probably about the five week mark.

I was initially in shock but as the week has gone on, I feel increasing negative about the pregnancy.

I am in my late thirties and have never been especially maternal and my hubby is around the same age. We both work a lot, we aren't rich but we do enjoy traveling and our current freedom.

I am really surprised at how negative my reaction has been. If I had known how strong my reaction was I would have taken more precautions.

I also feel incredibly selfish that I would be considering abortion when I really have a wonderful husband who will support me through anything. We both agree that if we went through with the abortion it would also be an agreement to remain child free. This thought doesn't scare me too much but maybe it is my nerves and fears taking over,

I feel like a freak of nature! Has anyone else had any similar experiences or advice?

[dadditlass]

When I fell pregnant with my dd I was shocked by the way I felt, We hadn't been trying but we hadn't been trying very hard to prevent it either. I had always wanted children but from the moment I found out I was devastated. I can remember feeling utter despair, I knew a termination wasn't for me even though I felt nothing for the baby. Dd was born and I stayed indifferent, I looked after her and went through the motions but there was no connection until she was 7 weeks old , it wasn't a lightning bolt moment but slowly I grew to like her and then love her, she is 10 now and It's not always been easy but I would die for her and my other two dc's. I think that because dh and I had a solid relationship we managed to get through but it was tough going for a while. I am very happy with my lot and I can't imagine my life now without kids.

[Longtalljosie]

Absolutely mumsy. I remember standing in Borders looking at pregnancy books thinking fuuccckkkk! and DH was saying "what is the matter with you! Last month you were in tears because you weren't pregnant!"

[5madthings]

I thoight in northern ireland the marie stopes clinics had started providing abortion up to 8-9wks, with tge tablet? It was on another thread.

[ChippingInHopHopHop]

I think you are having a fairly normal 'freak out' :) - the very same one many who were trying to have a baby have. Lots of women who have gone as far as having IVF have had the same reaction. Having a baby does change who you are... it just does, it has to, you have to start putting someone else first and thinking for them too. That doesn't mean it's a bad thing or that your life can't be similar to how it is now after the first few years... it may even be better.

I know it might not as well and motherhood isn't for everyone, but surely if you felt that way you wouldn't have been 'seeing what happened'? Don't you think you would have been 'avoiding getting pregnant' at all costs if you knew you didn't want a baby? It just seems to me that it was something you were 'open to' but that your life wouldn't have been unbearable if you didn't have a child... and that it has made you panic now that it has actually happened, which is a pretty normal response!

[Queenmarigold]

Please don't. You will honestly love that baby more than life itself from the moment you feel it move. You will adapt and change and your life will be enriched.
Please don't pass up the opportunity for a different but happier life for you all.

[AmandaPandtheTantrumofDoom]

I don't have masses to add, but just wanted to say good luck with your decision. and to ignore those with an agenda- be it anti abortion or any other. This is your decision and not theirs.

[Mumsyblouse]

Queen that's your experience but clearly not that of lots of people on this thread. I don't think it's good to say you will have a happier life or a more enriched one, it's not clear if the OP will or won't. I do, having had children, but not everyone does.

Yes chipping it is a mystery why so many people freak out when they were trying for a baby or seeing what happened, I felt like the only one! Everyone kept saying 'you must be sooo excited' and I used to think 'no I'm thinking my life is over'. It was a very negative grief for my old life. Weird. But the difference is that after a couple of weeks it did wear off and I very much did want to continue to have a baby, I'm sure for some people this doesn't wear off because basically they don't.

[treacleturkey]

Queen, please dont ask someone to keep a baby just because it worked ok for you.

[Figgygal]

Ignore rob anyone who comes out with such bollocks is not worth considering.

[Twattergy]

If you have ever envisaged yourself having children, then this is your chance. If you've never thought its something you must experience in life, then there is no need to continue. I felt quite negative in first trimester despite wanting to get pregnant. However I knew that the reason I'd done it was that I knew in life I wanted to experience bring a mother and creating a family. If you see yourself being a parent one day then stick with it, there is never a convenient time to have a baby, so take this chance. If you really value your freedom though kids are not for you. I find loss of independence very challenging despite adoring my little boy.

[Snazzyenjoyingsummer]

I am not sure it's that helpful for your husband to play devil's advocate - this is a situation where you both need to be very honest to try and find the best solution for you both, and not be blindsided later by 'But I never wanted to have the baby/not have the baby!' conversations.

I made this point earlier but the presence of practical help in your lives, or the means to buy it, is more important than it might seem. For all you or we say about it, you can't predict what your feelings of love might be for the baby - of course hopefully you would instantly love it completely but life doesn't always work out that way. But for many women (and men, but more often women) what makes the crucial difference can be the opportunity to go back to work and have 'adult' time during the day, to keep the career they love and have worked to establish, to be able to take their DC to stay at grandma's for a week or long weekend while they and their partner travel in the way they always used to love (well, maybe not exactly the way, but something a bit like it...) These things can make the difference in thinking that you are coping, that you haven't completely lost your sense of the person you 'used' to be, and that ultimately it may be hard but it is overall worthwhile.

[PessimisticMissPiggy]

I didn't want DCs. I had gynae issues and became pregnant. I was terrified. Very negative reaction as you've had OP and thought about not going through with it. Then I lost the pg. I was relieved because it wasn't planned but my heart ached for the lost pg.

I soon found that I wanted to have a DC and began to see that the negativity was about not wanting life to change in a direction I didn't have control over. A few years later we made an active choice to have one DC and it's the best thing we ever did.

Don't make a decision about your future choices, based on this not being the right time for you now.

For us, life isn't restricted; it's just different. We travel but don't hang out in cool bars, instead we see the early morning sun come up when we wake rather than on the way home! We have less material things but much more quality memories and fun. My career has taken a different direction but I'm happy with that (safer options for job security rather than risk taking).

Good luck OP. Your body, your choice.

[DizzyPurple]

Think very very carefully about your decision. Being a parent isn't always easy and of course changes your life massively. However it also brings the most amazing rewards. Most things you do now can be done with children in tow, holidays etc.
The culture these days is that abortion is there so just do it. But like others have said, you weren't seemingly fighting this option. A child has been given to you, it sounds as though you are in an excellent position to look after it and you have a supportive partner. You have the chance to give this child and yourselves many great opportunities and experiences.
Good luck.

[YorkshireTeaDrinker]

I would just echo the comments made by some posters that even planned, longed for pregnancy can lead to an early outbreak of "oh fuck, what the hell have I done"? I regret elements of my pre-child life, but I have never experienced an intensity of love like I had for my DD when she finally emerged.

You are obviously doing your best to make a careful and considered decision, my point to add to your thinking would be don't assume the way you feel now about your pregnancy would be the way you feel further down the line.

[Shrugged]

Confused, ignore the holier-than-thou posts of Rob and Greylady. Even if you were cavalier about contraception, you sound as if you are employing all possible resources to make a considered decision, and you have my full sympathy. You've had a lot of thoughtful advice.

I would agree with whoever said you may feel much more positive about this should you choose to continue the pregnancy. I planned my baby, born when I was almost 40, and even then was initially surprised by how panicked and conflicted I felt. My other point would be that you don't have to be a 'maternal type' to be a good mother, so don't dismiss yourself as a poor candidate for having a child because you aren't broody, and are considering aborting. I am not anything approaching a maternal type, I am naturally solitary, self-involved and career-focused, but having my son has brought me enormous joy.

Having said that, I understand those who regret having children.

Best wishes to you as you make your decision.

[Silver15]

No one can make the decision for you. You have asked for people's opinions that includes Rob and Greylady.

[HaveIGotPoosForYou]

I have a wonderful 4 month old girl who I wouldn't change for the world and could never, ever imagine myself regretting.

I have always been a fairly maternal person but never thought I could have children, felt my fertility was pretty much non existent. I wasn't sure about the doability of me having a baby too, as I am VI and my partner is completely blind.

But we work at it, because we want to.

The thing is though most people don't magically become maternal if they never were and most people who are maternal rarely become less so from having a baby. This isn't always the case.

I hate the thought of a foetus being terminated but I also hate the thought of a child not being wanted and the child picking up on the resentment from the parents for the rest of their life. I know which one ultimately has to be the best decision, although it breaks my heart to say it.

In a way you sound like you really do not want this child, because you want to live the life you currently are living and that's very understandable. But at the same time I think that if you weren't being as careful and the fact you didn't make an immediate decision tells me there is something there that is niggling at you. Maybe it's the curiosity of what it would be like, perhaps it's how you feel your partner would approach this if it was solely his choice or perhaps it's something else completely.

Chat it through with one of the helplines some of the posters above have mentioned would be my advice. They can recommend what stages you can terminate at, how you feel emotionally and how this may impact on your decision making, perhaps how you felt pre pregnancy and measure that up to how you feel now and what you feel having a life with a child would be like. If you here how it might be it might help sway you either way.

I wish you the best of luck though in whatever decision you make. It's never an easy decision and it always ends up losing in some way. Whether it be the pregnancy, your morality (if that is how you feel individually if it makes you feel bad) or merely an opportunity you could've taken up.

[HaveIGotPoosForYou]

Oh and also bare in mind though that there may not be another opportunity; perhaps if you did terminate and then realised you did want the baby, you might not be able to get pregnant again. Sorry to play DA myself, but it is a possibility.

But then there is the possibility that you have the child and never really bond with it. It's very hard and you have to look at it from every single angle. But you seem to be thinking really hard and not being blasé about it, which is the most important thing.

Nobody can blame someone for their decision if it's thought out and seems like the best thing for those involved.

[RaRaZ]

Haven't had time to read all of this, so my sincere apologies if I've missed anything important. But I just wanted to say please be very very careful.... I had a termination earlier this year at 14 and a half weeks because I was pushed into it and made to think it was impossible for me to have the baby. I had it that late because DP and I couldn't decide what to do and spent weeks panicking. It was the most horrific thing I've ever been through (trust me, they don't tell you what's going to happen to you even when you ask) and I've regretted it every day since. I've been depressed, hopeless, wanted to kill myself, spent hours crying my eyes out....and I don't think I'll ever get over it. It was totally the wrong decision. DP and I are now desperately ttc and I'm finding it very very hard. I'm not saying that you're the same as me....but I didn't think I could get pg before I did, and wasn't even sure I wanted kids. Things change. Hope you're ok . Whoever said that having a termination isn't the same as undoing the pg couldn't be more right. I wish I'd known that before I had mine.

[Zara1984]

OP given that you are in Northern Ireland and you have a 9 week limit on accessing a chemical abortion (ie by pills, not needing to travel) you might want to have a chat to Marie Stopes in Belfast - perhaps they could help you and your DP with counselling as to what you think the best decision for you guys is?

If you are under 9 weeks pregnant you won't have to travel out of NI for an abortion.

Linky

Nobody else can make your decision for you, obviously. I know women who are very glad they had abortions and women who are very sad that they had them - in a range of different situations. The only advice I could offer you (as a previously non-maternal, but now very very happy mum) is to go with the gut decision that you and your DP can live with.

[Alconleigh]

Snort. That should be MN's new slogan, "by Lesbians, feminists and men haters, for Lesbians, feminists, and men haters". That'd give Liz Jones something to really get her teeth into.