My marraige is over...

[Lemmingswife]

I know it is for the best, but I am hurting really bad atm & keep thinking of my poor babies.

Got it thanks, GF. Will mail you back when H goes out later.

Just had a chance to catch up! Please don't worry about your parents or your h, or what they think. The only people that should matter to you right now are yourself are your children. When I left my ex I even had so called friends writing to me asking me if i'd thought of the kids, ffs!! Like anyone would make that decision lightly!!! The same completely applies to you. Give the dust time to settle your parents may come round to your way of thinking, and if they don't, well maybe they're not such great parents. I know I fell into a pattern of abusive relationships because of how I was treated as a child, perhaps the same is true of you. Beety once said to me "be the one to break the cycle" or something like that, that really hit home somehow. You are breaking the cycle so the same doesn't happen to your kids, only a great mother would do that.

Thanks, essbee.
My Dad tried to make me feel guilty regarding the children too. He told me I was lucky to have what I did & was not to throw it away. He wouldn't listen to a word I said & made me feel so, so horrible.
I feel so upset that he is prepared to wash his hands of me.

Haven't been able to find out why you need to leave h, but if it's really what you feel you need to do, i'm sure you would have considered all the alternatives, so go with what YOU have decided you need to do, and don't let anyone make you feel guilty. happy mummy = happy children

Glad you're getting so much support on here, lw. Have emailed you.

xx

LW - oh sweetie - I am choking with fury at your dad. How dare he say he would have hit you!!!! But in all honesty I suspect he is being a temoraray selfish arse, because from your Mum - the original refrigerator Hyacinth Bucket - a line like 'Dad doesn't mean everything he says you know, but he thinks a lot of H & is really upset' probably speaks volumes - she knows he has been harsh and therefore she is a teensy bit on your side, and she knows that once he is over his selfish f**ed up woman-hating upset, he will actually stand by you. This whole 'he deserves a medal' is so outrageous and unjust. I do feel quite physically throat-tighteningly furious with them. But that is because you feel very much a friend. I know you love your dad, so lets hope his better points wioll start to show soon!

And hey - you are doing Top Class defending your corner. too right you shouldn't be panicking because there aren't enough cans of Coke in the shopping!

DS1 is just a darling. But with that degree of sensitivity, he needs a home and surroundings that wil allow him to flourish. You are doing the right thing, however painful it is.

Regarding your dad whats that saying be nice to your kids because thet choose your nursing home and he is not washing his hands of you YOU are biding your time and will make the right decision when the time comes . Best of lick keep strong .

Best of lick what am I like Best of luck . LOL

You are doing an amazing thing, lw. I am so in awe and admiring that I don't really have the words to express it. Standing up for yourself against your whole family is just incredibly hard and you are doing it for yourself and your boys and I know it will work out and also that it will be very difficult. I so hope your mum and dad will come round in the end- it is outrageous that they're not supporting you and I'm not surprised that you're devastated by your Dad's attitude. Please don't let him or anyone make you feel horrible though. You are lovely and brave and wise and I agree with the many people on here who strongly think you are doing the right thing. Ultimately we have to take responsibility for our own well being and make the decisions which we think are best for our kids. You are finding more than most people ever do how awful it is to have to do that in the face of family objections and threats to withdraw love and support. You are being tested in ways that lots of people never are (me included) and the way you are responding is so admirable and amazing. Much good luck for the next few days. xxxxx

Hi LW. Just found your thread. Your dad is trying to make H's behaviour seem normal but its not. Your dad will stand by you when he realises that you will do what you want regardless of what he says.
Things will get better for you when H moves out, have you any idea when that will be? You are making the first steps to a new life. What does your dad mean that you have no friends? If thats true, don't worry because you will make new friends... really you will and you will be surprised when people tell you they cant beleive how you stayed with H for so long, often people can see things you think they cant... ie how controlling H is etc IYKWIM.
Just keep telling yourself that things will get better

Thank you for all your lovely messages.

I think Dad thinks that if he gives me a jolly good talking to & threatens me, then I will stay & make it work because I will be scared of the consequences. It would not matter to him that I was trapped in an unhappy marraige, just so long as I was still married!
It is kind of like I am one of his business deals!
I tried to explain how long this has been going on & how much H's temper scared me & he said "Nonsence - I have a worse temper & me & Mum are still together. You have to just MAKE it work."
I guess the no friends comment is because my family will turn their back on me & because I am such a horrible person I will lose all my friends.
I have plenty of friends & I don't think they would turn their back on me.
It has all really, really upset me though.

DId you get any sleep LW and how are you today? Have you any plans?

I got a little sleep, but kept waking up with that stomach sinking feeling.
Can't think straight atm. Feel a bit like someone has scribbled all over my brain!

I felt like I had been physically punched in the stomach for at least a week and didnt eat or sleep. It is normal and I wouldnt fight it just go with the flow.

Try and do something else when the gremlins attack in the night. Get up do some jobs you have been putting off and sort finance. That always got me back to sleep!

Do you know what the next practical steps are LW? I also found focussing on practical stuff helped.

I agree with sorting out the practical things when you can't sleep. Sometimes just by having things a bit more sorted you might sleep anyway as you'll have that bit less on your mind.

Are you working tomorrow? Is there anyway you can meet someone for coffee when the kids are at school? It might not be the same for you but I was loads better for company.

Always essbee! We all are!

I am working tomorrow morning & then have my HV coming round in the afternoon. She was coming round to speak to us both, but there is not a lot of point in that now, so I will make sure H goes out & fill her in on the latest.
The tiredness has really caught up with me today!

Will have to phone solicitors back. Am waiting for the letter from them, which is being sent to work.

Lemmings wife I have followed your plight and I feel for you but you have got to cut the apron strings. Simply tell your father that it is none of his business. You married as an adult, you seperate as an adult. It is actually that simple. the minute your parents stop offering you genuine support is the minute that your life stopped being their concern and I believe that happened when he said he would stop supporting you unless you stay married.

The phrase I believe is toxic parents and your certainly sound toxic. You mention that you have good friends, now is the time to lean on them. Get one of them to tell you dad to bog off if you cant atm. I believe I've said this to you before but I think you are a very strong lady, good luck.

LW
Thinking of you
xxxxxxxx

Thanks.

My Mum has just phoned. I made H answer the phone, as I don't want to talk to my parents.
She actually asked if I was okay & H told her I was upset. To this she said "What is up with her now?"!
She is unbelievable at times!
She also asked if Dad had upset me yesterday. H said that I was very upset by what he said & to this she said "Well he thinks she needs a good shake sometimes!"

I can't be done with them atm & am keeping as much of a distance as possible.

Hopefully this has made you cross LW! Anger is not a bad solution to this rather than feeling hurt and keeping your distance is a good idea.

It has made me cross, GF.
I will definitely be keeping my distance, as I don't need the additional stress of their nonsence atm.

I haven't been on MN long, but i have to say, this thread made me cry. Mainly because of your father. I love my dad to bits and I really wouldn't have any idea as to what to do if he said something like that to me. It really is upsetting hearing such things (i'm soooo , can't even think probably) is just gutting (to say the least). There are loads of support here and advice. Ignore your parents. I wouldn't even make your h answer as he'll tell you what they say and that will only upset you more. I suggest not bothering with them at all till you completely separate (easier said than done, I know).
Good luck, sweety. Stay strong (smile)

just caught up LW. what a shame for you that your dad is being like this, his comments were truly shocking - just what you don't need at this time. i think the others have already said it all with their excellent advice. hope you're doing OK x