My marraige is over...

[Lemmingswife]

I know it is for the best, but I am hurting really bad atm & keep thinking of my poor babies.

In my line of business we call that sort of thing 'melodrama'.

Take no notice, he is guilt tripping you. How does he think his behaviour affcts your memories of the birth of ds2, I wonder?? His priorities are all wrong, and his concern is very self-centred as usual.

Oh boo hoo hoo . What's he suggesting, you should have waited until there was no sporting event to coincide with your relationship breakdown?! Get a life! (Your H, not you).

Very good point, Blu. The horrible memories of how H was when DS2 was born & through the entire pregnancy, will stay with me forever.

He also had to mention how I best make the most of my free train travel while I still can, as that will be no more when we are divorced. He grinned as he said this.
I think I will live with paying for my own train travel. It is not exactually top of my list of worries atm!!

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They can't all be arseholes, tyedye, as lots of MN'ers seem to be very happy & content with their men.
I can't see myself wanting to enter into another relationship for a very long time though. I need to just be on my own for now.

Hope things are okay with you.

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Can't even think about the possibility of being with another man tbh. I will probably stay single forever!

I am feeling pretty low atm. It is a horrible situation to be in, especially as H is still playing his little games.
It suddenly hit me today, as I was walking into town, that I am soon to become a single parent & that thought was quite scary.
I am sad, I am scared, I do feel very alone & I know it will get tougher in lots of ways over the coming months. However I still feel sure that I am doing the right thing here. I have been slowly leading up to this point for a while now & it needs to happen in order for things to get better. He is never going to change long term.

Good men do exist. My mum met an absolute diamond after she divorced my dad, in fact my step-father is the best man I have ever known. But - as you already know - it's not about finding someone else but rather finding your way back to your own self.

Finding someone else is definitely the very last thing on my mind, tribpot!
I am aware that there are many good men out there though & I am pleased that your Mum has found such a lovely man.

LW - I know how sad and rough this is for you, but in all honesty, I wonder how many things you have coped with alone, even though you had H in the house. You coped with all the early stuff about ds1's school issues, concealing things from h for fear of his reaction, you have dealt with so many big important things in secret, or in an emotional sense, all by yourself. I'm not at all trying to make light of everything you feel about this break up, but in so many ways, you have already been alone. Even when you were a child.

You will grwo stronger in time, and even though things are hard and gnaw at you, I think that once you get this horrible process over, little chinks of happines might break through sooner than you think.

No-ones expecting you to bounce back going 'hi, folks, let's party' in the near future, but whatever the future does bring, it won't be all bad.

you are clever, beautiful, well-respected at work, and have a great relattionship with your boys. Somewhere, sometime, when your guard is down, you will find you are unexpectedly happy.

And you so badly deserve it.

Fantastic post Blu! I would add that I love being a single mum and whilst it is very very hard a lot of the time the quality of your relationship with your children may well improve beyond measure.

My kids are closer to me now than they have ever been and they are happier, calmer and more caring. THey had been bullied as well and are now coming through that and really flourishing which is a pleasure.

You are right, Blu. Over the years I have coped alone a lot anyway, so it will not be that huge a shock. Even with his work shifts - he often works 12 hours, which means he leaves before they wake up & is home after they have gone to bed. I cope on my own a lot really.
I remember a friend saying to me a few years back "I would hate to be a single parent wouldn't you? I couldn't imagine coping alone"
My reply was "I think I would cope, as it wouldn't be much different for me."
What will be different, will be that they can make noise without me worrying about him getting cross, I can have friends round with their children & not panic about the mess they make and the fear of the trivial things that make him cross will be lifted. If I decide they can paint in the garden, then they will paint in the garden!
I do have moments of feeling scared, I do worry about the children in all this and I get moments of feeling very low & tearful, but I know I am doing the right thing here & will not turn back.
I will probably be a bit of a mess when he actually leaves, but I will get through it.

It is lovely to hear how happy & content your children are now, GF.

Lw yours will be too and they will start to relax and grow. They will miss him of course but may start to think things are better like this.

As for you he is still too much in your life and messing with your head and he needs to be removed. Of course you will miss the family things, I do like crazy and sometimes I mistake that for missing my x but it is not him I want just the support and love and comfort and I only ever got that from my X on his terms not on mine. We can do so much better and it is really hard but honestly the compensations outweigh the bad stuff!

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tyedye. Take care!

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Tyedye, all these decisions are really hard as naturally we want families to work. I think we make excuses for men as well whilst we are with them that with the benefit of hindsight and distance we realise should not have been made.

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That is reassuring to hear, GF.
He is still around far too much & it can get very upsetting.
He went out last night & didn't get in until 3am, as he claims he couldn't get a cab.
I said to him this morning "See how easy it is to get in at that time when you cannot get a taxi"
I was referring to the recent incident where he blew up at me for pretty much just that!
He said "Yes, but I am a man & it is not as dangerous for me to walk."
He was making out he was concerned for my safety, but it wasn't like I was walking alone!

He is out again drinking with his friends atm.

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Not really, he is just more annoying!
He claims that some woman asked him to go back with her last night, but it turns out she wanted him to have sex with her while her husband watched!! Lovely!!!

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