My marraige is over...

[Lemmingswife]

I know it is for the best, but I am hurting really bad atm & keep thinking of my poor babies.

LW, have not posted before but have been following your thread. Everyone has given such great advice, i wasn't sure I had anything to add. But, I'm wondering now if you really should start packing his things for him. He is certainly drawing this out far longer than seems necessary and perhaps thinks that somehow it will just "go away".

Oh bloody hell lw

This must be almost unbearable.

Big hugs LW.
And you absolutely do not have a stupid head...you really don't.
He's turning every damn thing round to suit his stubborn controlling ways, isn't he?
I know you find it hard (but that IN NO WAY means you are stupid or anything else negative at all) but could you find some strength to be direct with him over this, before he wears down your emotional energy and confidence again?
I don't think it would help to be uneccessarily hostile or confrontational with him, but just something to stop him in his tracks and realise that you wnat him to do something practical towards moving out.

Could you write him a note? Tell him that you feel controlled by him because he is setting the timetable with no thought to you.

He's finding ways to manipulate you, isn't he, whi;le pretending to be reasonable.

I can see your point, FotM. By the note, mainly I meant tell him firmly that you would like to stick to the plan to move out on Saturday, and then, indeed, get on with packing his stuff.

Yes, I agree that I am going to have to get tougher with regards his moving out.
I have just had my HV round & she agrees that I should start to get firm with him. She said to wash his clothes, get a case down from the loft for him & pack the clothes in there ready, telling him that it is time he left.
She noticed our house was for sale, as she spotted it in the local paper & said that she suddenly realised how serious this was, as last week, much as I said it was definite, I was very shaky & had just had all the stuff thrown at me from my Dad, so she wondered if I would be able to stay strong enough to follow it through. This week, she feels I seem very determined. She is not pushing to put me on AD's, as she doesn't feel I am depressed, but just ultra stressed!
I told her about my mother scouring the net to spy on me & sending me that e-mail, after she left last time.
She was appalled by my Mum doing that & said that I must have been in complete shock, as that happened right on top of all this upset.
I told her that H is flitting from ultra nice, to trying the wounded soldier act & then throwing in a bit of his controlling side here & there.
She thinks he is trying every aspect possible to get me to change my mind.
When I told her that he has told me that I will never find anyone to love me like he does (this is where those thoughts have come from), she said "Good - lets hope you don't."
She thinks I have moved on loads from a year back & she can see that I am very head strong that I have done the right thing.
She told me that it will be horribly distressing for me when he leaves, but that she hopes 6 months down the line I will be happier & more relaxed.
She feels that I have been controlled throughout my life & it is time to try & break free.
She is visiting me again in 2 weeks & said she will continue to support me.

She also asked who was supporting me, seen as my parents were not.
I told her that I haven't spoken to many people around me about it & that my main support was coming from MN!

Briliant that sounds very positive. It is always good when a professional backs us up!

She is a good egg. It's always good to hear that a RL professional agrees with the mumsnet crew and is supporting you too.

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I'm really pleased to hear your HV has been so supportive, LW - she's a diamond. Also good to hear, that having met him, and been through those interventions with him, she is in no doubt that she thnks you're doing the right thing. Had to laught at her 'good' comment!

You are doing so well, and no-one underestimates what a huge thing you are doing....especially with no help from your parents, and from a position where you have had all your decisions made for you, and your self-esteem powedered into the ground. You're a bloomin' marvel, woman!

I think your HV has hit on a good solution about the washing / packing. Nothing he can complain about if it is washed.

What's happened about tomorrow night? Could you get a friend round to yours? Almost like claiming the house as your own to treat as you like and invite who you like into?

Sorry to hear that your DS has been poorly, essbee. Hope he is feeling better very soon.
Not sure if I am coping that well. Some days I do & other times (like last night), I don't seem as strong.
HV is being a great support, as she has been throughout.
She said that when I am told by H that I won't find anyone to love me as he does, to remember that this is the same man who basically said to his boss "Here is my wife. Give me a payrise & I will let you shag her!"
He obviously would never have allowed his boss to do that, but it was their little joke & did not say much for his respect for me.
That incident had kind of slipped my mind a bit, but she is right & I will try & remember times like that when I have my wobbly moments.

Not sure about tomorrow night yet, Blu. Am going out tonight though!

I do try, FOTM. It is not always easy, as I have been brainwashed over the years!
HV says it is like I have married my parents!

And stood by while his friend letched all over you. I think he has loved you and valued you in his own way, but in a way that makes you of value to him, but he hasn't paid attention to what you value, or made you feel valued for the right reasons.

Anyway, v glad you are going out tonight...try to give yourself as much space as possible over the w/e. Take the boys off shopping, to the park etc etc, anything to put distance between you.

Have to take DS2 to a party at a soft play place this morning. His first party invite since starting nursery!
Will get out of house as much as possible, until H goes out to watch football this afternoon.
A lot of my friends are out tonight & the friend I thought to ask round happens to have her DH in America atm, so has nobody to look after her children. I am not too fussed though, as I could do with a little time to myself. Also, I have a poor head after last night, so may give my liver a rest from alcohol tonight!
Have agreed to host a body shop party in my house on Thursday night though! Never done anything like that without checking with H first. Not sure why I agreed to it, as it falls on same day as my last counselling session & solicitor meeting! Think I was just trying to prove to myself that I could do something like this without worrying about mess & possible carpet stains etc!

Good for you LW evewn if you dont feel like you are you are being so positive and doing so well. Asserting yourself in the house is no mean task adn it is brilliant that you have organised somehting like this.

Wasn't he supposed to be moving out today? Have you packed a suitcase for him to take when he goes out to watch football? Got a locksmith ready for when he goes?

I think the Body shop party is an EXCELLENT move, for exactly the reasons you say. Good for you.

hee hee - good nighth last night, then? Spend tonight having a bit of a pamper and an early night. A night with some space is a real luxury, i find.

XXXXXXX

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Think it is the make up party, tyedye. The last two that I went to were focusing on feet & hands. Was bored of soaking my feet in lemongrass, so opted for the make up one. They might be able to sort my face out!

He says he will definitely be gone by next w/e & is talking Friday or Saturday at the latest.
Seeing solicitor on Thursday.

He is out again now. He told me before he left, that he should be enjoying the football, but because of what's happening he will now always think of the 2006 world cup as a horrible time.