My marraige is over...

[Lemmingswife]

I know it is for the best, but I am hurting really bad atm & keep thinking of my poor babies.

LW you are not stupid and naive at all. You have been conditioned over many years to comply, and this is precisely why you need to break free. Remember how it was with the coming in late saga, when you expected all of MN to say "oh yes, you hussy, you have behaved outrageously" and actually we scratched our collective head and said "er, remind me again what is it you are meant to have done wrong?". It's much easier for us to see these things than you. Don't beat yourself up about it, just move on.

Juat nod and hum hum when he asks/tells you to do anything and then think is he capeable of doing it himself 5 minutes later. Then just leave it (-:

Yes, you are all so right again. He can sort his own smeggy clothes!
Thanks for snapping me into shape again!

Not doing well tonight.

Just been very upset thinking that nobody will ever love me like H.
I know how sad that sounds.

Still very sure that I am doing the right thing though.

Do you really want someone to love you in a way that hurts you, doesn't allow you to have the freedom to be yourself, makes you scared and inhibited, afraid to stand up to him and for yourself. Do you want someone to love your sons in a way that means they can't play with their toys where they want and when they want, get shut in their rooms for hours on end and see their mother scared and upset at regular intervals.

I know he can be a real charmer at times, but that is the kind of love he has for you.

Sorry, didn't mean that to sound so harsh. I just meant that I hope you will find someone who loves and accepts you and your boys for who you are, values you and makes you truly happy.

That's the kind of love you deserve.

Thanks, CQ. I know you are right. Just having a bad few minutes.

Of course you deserve a more genuine love that the type you have been getting! It's hard - when you have loved someone and invested a lot of time and emotional energy in a relationship - to call it a day. But by facing up to the fact that your relationship is detrimental to you and your DSs, then you are taking the first step to one day having a relationship that is more fulfilling and more balanced. You would be unable to do this if you are still caught up in a destructive cycle of behaviour with your 'D'H.

It might be that you don't meet anyone in the future with whom you want to have a serious relationship. On the other hand, you might meet someone great and build a happy life with them. At this stage, you shouldn't really waste too much time pondering such things - the important thing is to rebuild your confidence, look after your & your kids' material interests, and start looking forward to having a homelife that is calmer and more peaceful.

All that love stuff may sort itself out when you are happier in yourself. Take care.

You are absolutely doing the right thing.

Thanks. I know I am doing the right thing etc, but it is SO horribly hard & I do feel that H loves me like nobody else ever will. I know that is silly, but I am having a bit of a bad night. Still very sure I am doing the right thing here though.

Oh bloody hell, I'm so sorry he's still messing you about .

We're all cheering you on, freedom fighter LW!

LW yes maybe he does. My X did as well but it wasnt enough because it really didnt mean that I was treated ok and whilst I was brought flowers and wine and gestures were made the things that really count like respect, goodwill and the ability to love all of me not just the parts that fitted with his needs was lacking. That was not enough for me and it wont be for you.

I so understand because I have had many three o clock in the morning beating myself up sessions thinking just the same but I knwo I have done the right thing wihtout any doubt whatsoever and whilst that may mean I am lonely and feel the weight of everyone is depending on me alone it really really is better than being scared or the anxiety of knowing someone will shout at you or your kids for nothing at all!

I hope you're not surprised by this latest development because he is totally conforming to a pattern. If you don't put your foot down, he will "get his nights out of the way" and then find another excuse.

He dangles a carrot (leaving Saturday) and then snatches it away. Next week, he'll fudge it all again.

You could always do as he asks. Get all his dirty clothes out of the washing and put them in a suitcase outside the front door with a note saying, "Please leave keys on table in hall on your way out".

Thank you, dino, GF, smellen & Freckle.
I am not at all suprised by his latest developments, Freckle. I kind of expected him to mess about.
I think he will go, but he is still trying to call the shots to stay in control.

You're suggestion is a v good one, Freckle!

Oh bloody hell, LW - he really does pull some stunts doesn't he? 'Don't cry in front of the boys when you do my dirty work, , do sort my dirty washing...'. He is trying to break you. He is trying to make it feel too heartbreaking for you to pick out his washing so that he can wrap it in a knotted hanky an go down the road with the Hovis music playing.
If you ignore him, will he think you can't face it? I wonder whether packing up his dirty washing, as well as everything else, might be a stronger message. Maybe say 'I know this is really hard and tough, but I'm not going to change my mind, so I've made a start with your other stuff as well'.

Also, he said he would go if the house was on the market.

He's trying to wear you down, LW.

I'm so sorry. It's not fair of him.

oooh - had missed Freckles suggestion.

LW - could you tell him that you think it would be better if he went at the w/e because then you have concentrated tie with the boys, teling them?

Just tell him that he had said the w/e and that is what you would like to stick to.

Will try my best, Blu.

Can't carry on like this. Will end up having a bloody breakdown!

I know. It's easy for us to be full of bright ideas, but I know that this is terrible for you, every minute. It must be bloody awful having him there, and giving you so much extra to cope with, and knowing that it is't over yet.

I really am sorry, and don't know what to say. He's just being so very unfair.

It is awful & he is still trying to control, but some things go over my stupid head at first.
I have had a couple of nights out this week & told him that I was going to go out in the week, as he has been out constantly since we decided to split & I felt it was my turn to escape the house, as I am very down at the moment & need to get out from time to time too.
To this he said "I have to get used to not being in the house, as I have to move out soon, so unless you want to be the one to move out, this is how it has to be!"
Going out drinking with the friend he is due to move in with seems to be the ONLY way he is preparing to move though. No packing has been done at all. Maybe I am going to have to do it for him!

Oh LW he is palying with you adn it is absolutely bang out of order no wonder you are down. You made a big decision, got your courage up and told him, faced your parents anger, thoought carefully about how to tell your kids, asserted your right top live life on your terms and what does he do? He acts like the abuser we all know him to be and chops and changes plans, threatens you by saying you can move if you dont like the way he behaves etc etc.

he is a bully and is trying his hardest to get some control back. Get that letter to him please!