My marraige is over...

[Lemmingswife]

I know it is for the best, but I am hurting really bad atm & keep thinking of my poor babies.

Try and find a specialist in family law LW. Also I changed mine after a couple of months as she wasnt getting anywhere so you can too. The only problem will be if you get a legal aid certificate as they are difficult to transfer between solicitors.

Finding a solicitor who will take him "to the cleaners" is not always the best course to take. Don't forget that you will have an on-going relationship with X and that he is much loved by your children. If he perceives that you have cleaned him out as opposed to getting just what you are entitled to, it may sour your relationship for a long time to come. Obviously things are not all hunky dory at the moment, but that is probably because things are so fresh and raw. If you deal with the divorce in a low-key and reasonable way, you may find that your future relationship is much easier to bear.

I'm not suggesting that you give up anything, but an aggressive approach can often be counter-productive.

I really hadn't thought about changing the locks, spangles. Do you think I need to?
I only know of one very powerful female solicitor in our area. She is known for dealing very well with nasty cases, but has a reputation as being a real man hater.
She was struck off for doing a personal favour for someone, but is now back in business.
My worry about getting a solicitor that really makes things nasty, is that H will stop trying to be reasonable & get equally nasty back.
The CAB gave me a list of all solicitors in our town that covered family matters, but could not reccomend which ones were the best to see.

Dreading telling the boys about the fact that Daddy is soon to leave the house. They adore him so much. I have just had DS1 come up & ask "When is Daddy coming back"

That is exactually my thinking, Freckle.

Perhaps the way to approach telling the boys is not to make it negative. Instead of say "Daddy is leaving us", how about "Daddy is helping out a friend and is going to stay with them". Once they get used to the idea of Daddy being around less, you can introduce the idea of his not coming back to live.

Your children are very young and the young are incredibly adaptable.

That is a good suggestion, Freckle. Thanks.

The boys are obviously noticing that something is going on, so you probably need to think about telling them pretty soon.

Telling them the truth (or a version of it as advised by Freckle) is probably better than letting them get upset because they feel something is wrong.

Yes you are probably right there, CQ. I think the boys are sensing something, as Daddy is forever going out atm, they are going to see his friend who we always visited together, with H alone all of a sudden, they are seeing their Mummy upset more often than usual & much as we don't say much in front of them, they must be picking up on the atmosphere at home.
I know I have to tell them very soon & am trying to gear myself up for it, as I am dreading it so much.
Freckle's suggestion of saying he is helping friends & staying with them, is a great one.

Blu, I have some friends who are trying to get me to go out for a night out with them on Saturday night, but it appears H is going out with his friends just for a change, so cannot look after boys.
May see if I can get our 17 year old babysitter booked, so I can get out too.
I will not bother asking my Mum. She always has an excuse as to why she can't do it & I am trying to keep my distance there atm.
If I can't get out, I will try to get someone round here to share a few wines with!

LW, just a question, why do you have to tell them? As opposed to you and dh together?

If he does move out on Saturday, it might be best not to ask him straight back to babysit anyway. In some ways it might be nice to invite people over to you - entertain and host people in YOUR home, on YOUR terms, iyswim.
Glad you are thinking ahead and looking for some company and enjoyment, anyway.

No-o-o-o-o-o you don't want to ask your Mum, do you? Let's all club together and send her on a 3 month trip to New Zealand to get them out of your hair!

He says that he will break the news to his Mum, which he is dreading, but wants me to break news to the boys.

I agree, Blu. I don't want him straight back in the house & don't know that I will feel up to a night out anyway, especially if H is out too.
Ohhhh, sending my parents on a 3 month trip to New Zealand sounds bliss!

From everything we have heard, it might be best for you to talk to the boys, anyway. You have the better track record ofr sensitive communication and understanding how children think, I think. He'll have to reassure them lots too, of course.
Maybe start a specific thread asking how other people did it and what worked and what backfired?

That is a good idea, Blu - to start a thread asking how others did it.
Have mailed my friend & said no for now re going out on Sat.

Do you think I should let H know about my solicitor appt, or keep it quiet for now?
I am just thinking about childcare etc.

To be honest, I think his motivation in getting you to tell the boys on your own is that then it is your 'fault' and your responsibility in their eyes when they are older. I know when my step-dad separated from his ex-wife they told the kids together, but theirs were 12, 10 and 8 at the time. When my parents separated my bro and I were 3 and 1 so not really an issue (although my grandma tells me I knew things weren't right, even so).

No need to mention the solicitors appointment in my view, that's your business, he's not your husband any more. (Sorry to put it harshly)

Only got a second before dinner - but wanted to agree with poster who suggested changing the locks. Arrange it as soon as he has moved out - if he later challenges you about this you can always say you lost/misplaced your keys and needed to change it for security. You don't want the threat of him being able to 'pop in' whenever it suits him.

Also agree with Freckle. You are going to have be so much more mature than him to get this divorce through as quickly and easily as possible. I don't think you should give up anything you are entitled to - au contraire - but if you can keep things businesslike as opposed to nasty it will be better for all in the longterm. When you are hurt it is easy to see the divorce as payback time, but in the end your revenge (if you need it) will be when you are happy in your new life - enjoying yourself and your freedom once again. Bitterness is something that can prevent you from being free to move on. The wounds are raw now, but you will gradually feel better and it will be easier for you to be generous with the bd!!

As for telling your kids - I can't imagine that this it is going to be easy, but it might be easier to tell them yourself without H about, so that another super-row doesn't kick off in front of them. Be worth briefing your H on what you tell them, so that you can both give the same account of the situation.

Was thinking of your situation last night, and sorry if my comment have made it sound like this can be dealt with easily. I just wanted you to know that as heartbreaking as it is for you at the moment, you will recover, you will be stronger for it, and you will be happy again. All the best.

Quite happy to defer to Smellen's view on telling the kids, I guess I had some hope that H might try and retain some dignity in front of them - then I remembered his recent "ha ha I am texting a woman but I won't tell you who" text and realised the error of my ways Seriously, what a complete pillock. I do think he skipped a few classes at How To Be An Adult Not A Big Baby School.

I must say, I hadn't thought of changing the locks, but will do now.
I am not going into this with revenge in mind, so will try & keep the whole procedure as calm as possible.
I know H can be a nasty controlling man when he is angry, but I also see the good side of him & know he can be a good man & a lovely Dad. I tried hard to save our marriage because I wanted to keep hold of his nice side & just do away with the nasty controlling bit. It proved an impossible challange, but I still see the good in him & don't want to make this nasty.

I will tell the boys myself, but am dreading it so much.
I got upset earlier when H came in, as DS1 went bounding up to him asking if he could lay with him & watch his Simpsons DVD (which H bought him) It upset me, as it proved how much he adored his Daddy & the poor little man has no idea of what is about to happen.

But he will still have his lovely Daddy, just not sleeping under the same roof. That is what you have to get across. Not that Daddy is going and you have lost him.

Yes, I guess you are right, Freckle.
I got annoyed with my Mum saying yesterday "He is going to be one of those children who has no Dad"
I told her that they will both always have their Dad, we just won't all be living under the same roof.

H thinks I should wait until he leaves before telling the boys.

Message withdrawn

Sorry if I made it sound like you should screw the bastard for all he's worth, all I meant to say is that you need to get what your entitled to. I used to work with my ex and when we were going through our divorce I tried my best to be reasonable because at the end of the day we still had to work together. I backed down on several of his demands just to try and keep the peace (ExH had a really bad temper)
I change the locks on the doors within an hour of him moving out. It was in writing from the solicitor that he had to have left the marital home by midday and locksmith was there changing the locks by 1pm. ( all aranged the week before)
I know I made right decision re changing locks because on 2 occaisions he staggered round to give me a load of abuse late at night and I have no doubt he would have used a key if he had one.
At least if you change the locks you have peace of mind.

You don't need to apologise, spangles. I am just trying to keep things as calm as possible atm, to prevent him getting nasty.
Sounds like it was a very wise move for you to change the locks in the circumstances. How horrible for you to have him coming around hurling abuse like that.