My marraige is over...

[Lemmingswife]

I know it is for the best, but I am hurting really bad atm & keep thinking of my poor babies.

You are probably right there, FOTM!

Solicitors didn't get back to me. Will have to chase them up.

I found email to be a good way of communicating with my solicitors LW. How are you? SOunds like H is still manipulating to me and you may need to give him an ultimatum re moving out!

Email? I would never have thought of that option, GF, but it sounds like a good idea.
I will have to chase her up. I still haven't received the letter that she said she would send out & I went to see her on the 5th June.
I am hating all this him being here, but knowing we are not together. It is horrible.
I know the day he leaves (when he leaves!) will be a toughie, but at least I will be able to move on & get on with things. I have a feeling he is stalling atm.
Have heard nothing at all from my parents for a few days. Infact I have heard nothing from my Dad at all. I think he is very disgusted with me for doing all this.

Just received copies of our house details through the post.

It's always awful waitning for something you know is going to be hard, and better to be getting it over with, imo - yiuy have spent SO much of the last year in dread of forthcoming events and interventions, things that have to be braoched, said, done...but I do wonder why your H isn't taking the ';et's get it over with' approach, because it ought to be awful for him, too, living in this limbo.
Your dad wouldn't know what to say to be helpful, anyway, so be glad of the silence, i'd say! They clearly can't communicate except to tell you what to do or criticise you - so since you have made it clear you will take no notice of either, they have nothing to say. If your dad thinks you will call him and beg him to speak to you, give hi another thought coming!

Hope today is ok - it must have been hard seeing your house in the details, whether or not your solicitor advises it as the thing to do right now, or not.

The thing is - we are living seperate lives atm. Yesterday he took the boys to a friends house & it was a couple that we always visited together. Things like that feel strange & if he wasn't still living here I wouldn't be affected by silly things like this.
He is seeing the friend that he is meant to be moving in with, pretty much every day, so I don't know why he doesn't just go & live with him NOW!
I am at my most tearful when he is around, as it is hard having him here in the circumstances.

Obviously we are going to be living seperate lives, but I feel it is so much harder with him still living here at the same time.
I keep crying & he asks the silly question of "What's up?"
It would be easier on us both if he was to just go!

I seem to have coped pretty well since my bad day on Tuesday, but for some reason I am very low today.

Goid he sounds so like my X it is untrue! No emotional intelligence at all unless it is about abusing you!

I find it very strange that he seems to have taken quite a bit of time off work to sort through this, but appears to have done absolutely nothing with regard to sorting out his living accommodation. Why does he have to wait until the friend goes away? What will happen when the friend comes back - will he have to move out again? If not, why can't he go now?

Perhaps you need to start setting the boundaries by giving him a date to be gone by or you will start being difficult, e.g. refusing prospective buyers to view the house (I'd just keep quiet about any intention not to agree to a sale - just play along at doing what he wants). Certainly stop being a "wife" to him. You are still doing his ironing and presumably washing it first. Do you cook meals for him? What incentive does he have to go other than that the atmosphere is not good at home? Although I suspect that isn't even too bad as you are trying to keep up a semblance of normality for the children.

So what does he have to gain by moving and what does he have to lose? Strikes me that he's sitting pretty at home and I wouldn't be surprised if he comes up with some excuse as to why he can't move to friend's even when friend goes away - let me think.... oh yes, friend has gone and forgotten to leave keys. I wonder.

When he says 'what's up?' what do you say?
Would it be possible to say 'I would find it much easier if you would move out, I'm not going to change my mind, and see no point in us living in this really difficult situation, prolonging the inevitable'. The more he SEES you upset because of the upsetting-ness of splitting up, the more he thinks you will change your mind, I bet.

The w/e is always harder, isn't it? can you get out with the boys - met up in the park with a freind, or something?

Also, he could have helped the friend decorate the spare room where he is going to stay - he's good at that sort of thing, isn't he? Buut he's just been out drinking and playing snooker!

Message withdrawn

When he asks me what is up, I have responded by saying "What do you think is up? This is horrible & I am upset, ok?"
I was thinking that he had pretty much accepted that there was no way I was changing my mind, but like you say, Blu, him seeing me upset about the situation could lead to him thinking that maybe I will change my mind.
I nipped out to see how Tessiebear was getting on at her table top sale (not very well, poor Tess!) & was telling her how he is still not leaving, but at the same times spending loads of time with the friend he is meant to be moving in with & she said that he is clearly living the life of a single bloke, but treating our home like a hotel. She is SO right!
He has gone out with this friend again today & is going out again tonight.
He is VERY good at decorating, but is not helping his friend prepare the room. I can see the friends wife getting pretty fed up with her H constantly out drinking with my H atm & she may change her mind about having him to stay.
All his excuses are silly. He can't stay at his Mum's because she doesn't have enough TV channels, he needs to get used to things before going to work followed by he needs to get used to being back at work & he needs to wait for them to go on holiday before he moves in, but is spending 90% of his time with this friend anyway atm.
I think I am going to have to come down a bit tougher on him. I am getting so blimmin fed up now!

I have not cooked for him that much. He has been eating at friends houses a lot.

Do you want another discussion like the ironing one?? Stop cooking for him full stop. If you are no longer living together as man and wife, there is no reason whatsoever for you to go on doing the things you used to. So stop cooking, washing, washing up, ironing and anything else. Why on earth would he want to move out if he is still getting such good service at home?

I know, CQ. I have been just carried on doing washing etc as normal, but I shouldn't I guess. Thing is, I guess I still have that sense of fear of making him mad & I shouldn't.
He cleans up a lot too, as he is very obsessional about his clean house.

I will stop ironing his clothes though.

Yay

He seems to be well & truly living the life of a single bloke after all & single men do their own washing & ironing, don't they?!

Or get their mums to do it. Bet that would go down well when his mum gets all his dirty washing that you won't deal with. Tee hee.

Hmmmm.
I bet he is interpreting the 'this is horrible' as being 'I'm so sad we're splitting up' rather than' I'm finding it impossible having you in the house'.
I know you are aupset about splitting up, but he needs to know, precisely, the other aspect of it.

Yes, I feel a chill at the thought of the friends wife having a preview of what life would be with the two of them in the house, and issuing a big fat 'NO' as regards having him as a permanent fixture!

tell him the house details have arrived, it's tome for him to move out. Now.