My marraige is over...

[Lemmingswife]

I know it is for the best, but I am hurting really bad atm & keep thinking of my poor babies.

Hi LW, I have read bits of your posts on and off and don't really know the full details of what is going on but some of the things you describe regarding your H touch a nerve with me.

I have an xh who had similar temper problems, i was always nervous about what I said and did because he would explode unpredictably. We had been together for 10 years (no children) when i left. We still loved each other a huge amount and leaving him was extremely hard, its the hardest thing I have ever been through in my life and took me one hell of a long time to get to the point where I was strong enough and ready to leave. You are incredibly brave and strong to be doing this. XH did the same as your H, was wonderful after I told him I was leaving until I moved out. I cried a lot for a long time after. But believe me it does get better, you, your friends and family will see you develop again as a person, in your confidence and happiness.
I am extremely happy now, I never imagined or though I deserved to be so happy. I wish you the same happiness.
Fortunately for me I had a family that didn't interfere with my decision or pressure me. Why should you stay just because your mother stayed with your father - its time to break the pattern so your children don't think that this is normal and acceptable and live in the same abusive relationships.
I wish you lots of strength to get through this difficult time, lots of luck and happiness for your future.

Thanks, leogaela. I am pleased to hear that you are happy now.
Estate agent is downstairs taking photos of kitchen. This feels very horrible.

HI LW,
I've also been following your thread and think you're doing great! Your mum's argument that you should stay with dh because she stayed with hers is non-sensical. So because she's suffered, she wants you to suffer too? Misery loves company I guess. I'm sorry you're not getting the support you deserve, but you ARE doing the right thing.
{{{hugs}}}

Hi LW. Hope your feeling ok.I think that you woll feel better when H leaves.. you wont feel like your walking on egg shells and though it may seem quiet and empty without H around I am sure you will feel more relaxed. Stay strong.

"will" even

Thanks, spangles.
Agents gone now & H has gone to a friends. He was pacing around & was crying as he left the house. I am crying too...lots. Can hardly see the keys to type. This is just too horrible.

House is going on the market.

LW, sorry if I have missed something - but why are you putting the house on the market now?

HV reccomended that we put it on the market. It could take a while to sell & is far too big for me to manage on my own.

I hate this miserable house & feel I need to get out of it.

cry as much as you need to LW, its good for you. Moving house will be good for you, get away from the memories and start fresh.

In a way I wish I had attempted to go to work today, but feel I wouldn't have been able to do my job properly today.
My stomach hurts & I am an emotional wreck!

do something for yourself. get out of the house, go for a walk, go somewhere you can have some peace and quiet to relax, don't fight your emotions.

OK, fair enough. I hadn't realised that you felt so strongly about the house. It is alot of extra stress though. You don't think it would be worth getting through the separation business first?

Think I may go for a walk in a bit, leogaela. I don't know what to do with myself.
H has been escaping to friends for the last week & drinking & I have been stuck in this depressing house.
The big reality of what is happening has just hit us both in a huge way. It is the first time I have seen H really crying through all this.

He just wants to crack on with things, Bugsy.
He said he would move out on the understanding that the house went up for sale.

I have never settled in this house. We moved last summer when things were so up in the air. I kidded myself that it all might fall through, as there were problems - but then one day we were suddenly signing contracts & I was too scared to turn round to him at this point & say I didn't want to move. He would have gone SO mad.

Thinking of you too LW,theres NO pain like itis there?Theres always a brighter side to come!xx

It sounds like he wants to move out on the understanding that he will be able to liberate his share of the equity from the house fairly soon. I assume you have covered with your solicitor how this equity actually should be divided up for the time being (bearing in mind you will have to provide a home for your boys).

I would try and make sure he doesn't find out until after he's moved out that the settlement may not go the way he thinks - am concerned that realising he's not going to get all of 'his' money back is going to make him flip.

There is no pain like this, tyedye. I hope you are ok atm.
Yes I did discuss how the equity would be divided, with my solicitor. She said it could be divided 60/40 due to the fact he earns lots more than me & because I have the children to look after.
At the moment he is being very reasonable & says that he will make sure that me & his boys are well looked after.

LW and tyedye, big hugs to both of you. (Big hugs, what am I like, DS3 watches too much teletubbies that's for sure!)

Well, out of all the posters who've come on here, nobody has said "Well, I got out of a relationship with my abusive H, but actually I'm kind of sorry I left, I should have stuck it out for longer and tried harder". Which might sound like a statement of the bleeding obvious, but I actually find it really hopeful and illuminating.

That is a very good point, dino.
I just need to get through this very horrible, painful bit first.
I am going to have to inform the boys this week.

LW, when you type HV, are you referring to your health visitor? If so, I would be very careful about taking advice from her when it involves your legal situation. You really should be discussing all this with your solicitor. Tbh, 60/40 to me sounds considerably in favour of your H. Depending on how much you need to rehouse yourself and the boys, you could be looking at more than 40%. Once 60% of the equity has been handed over to H, it would be very difficult to try and get it back because it turned out that your needs were greater than you originally thought.

I assumed 60 for LW, 40 for H, Freckle. Or is that just me being hopelessly naive?