My marraige is over...

[Lemmingswife]

I know it is for the best, but I am hurting really bad atm & keep thinking of my poor babies.

Come on, LW, don't let them get to you like that...I know that's impossible, but they really don't present a world that anyone should live in...you're the one who is living in the real world, not them. You're the one being a GOOD parent.

I hope the week is better - work, your work colleagues, etc.

You've had SO much on your plate, it's normal to be tary and down.

XXXXD

er, 'teary'

LW, based on what is written here it seems that your parents have a similar relationship as you and your DH. Which would mean that your father obviously cannot understand why you are splitting up and your mum is defensive as she made the decision to stay with your dad despite his temper so you splitting up from your H is, in a way, an implied critisism of her parenting - ie.e you are protecting your sons from the sort of upbringing that she didn't protect you from. Not sure if that makes sense, but I think the only way she can deal with it is if you don't separate from your H which is why they seem to be on his side.
They won't change easily so you will only cause yourself more hurt if you wait for them to support you. Stay in contact but try not to rely on them for any emotional support - how is your sister responding to all of this?

LW visualise waking up without fear,no longer trying to read his face/mood.whatever it is you can no longer live with,close your eyes and SEE yourself no longer dealing with it!this helps me a great deal-i actually physically feel the weight lift a little.its all ive got at the moment.Do you keep a journal?write down your feelings-hopes-practical worries etc....i draw in mine,stick cuttings in etc,THEN I HIDE IT [GRIN]XXXXX

LW visualise waking up without fear,no longer trying to read his face/mood.whatever it is you can no longer live with,close your eyes and SEE yourself no longer dealing with it!this helps me a great deal-i actually physically feel the weight lift a little.its all ive got at the moment.Do you keep a journal?write down your feelings-hopes-practical worries etc....i draw in mine,stick cuttings in etc,THEN I HIDE IT [GRIN]XXXXX

OOOPS.

I don't keep a journal as such, tyedye, but have talked about loads of incidents on MN over the last 18 months & sometimes I read back on them to remind myself how bad things can be.
He is actually being all nice & caring at the moment (but then I guess he would be!) & it is kind of making all of this feel more painful.
I know I am doing the right thing though.
My sister is being by far the most supportive member of my family, eefs. She is sad that it has all come to this, but understands that I have been struggling for quite a while.
She asked whether we had considered counselling as a couple & I told her that it would do no good & that Relate wouldn't touch us anyway. She asked why & I explained that because of his severe anger probs I was told they wouldn't touch us & I was told this by a SW.
She looked a bit taken aback & said "Oh"
She has been in contact every day since returning from London (she was working there all last week & getting in late) & I saw her yesterday. She obviously knows what nightmares my parents can be!

I am so pleased you have your sis at your side, LW. XXX

Its nice to hear that your H isn't kicking up a fuss too, LW. It all seems to be going quite well (as well as it can) Don't mean that in a flippant way either, its just good to hear that he is accepting of it an dnot making things more agonising for you.

He is being okay tbh. He knows he has messed up over the years & said that he knew when he started his counselling that he was doing it too late & that he should have done it years ago.
He apologised to me the other day for being a jerk & said he wished I had nicer parents to support me right now.
As I said before - when he is nice he is very nice, but when he is bad he is a monster!
His monster side has proved too much of a challange for me though.

I guess he is going to be all sweetness & light atm, isn't he?

LW it is like I said when you torture someone you have to stop every now and then otherwise there is no point. I so agree with smellen here that he may not know it but this behaviour too is about control.

Even though I am going through hell in court at the moment I would still leave my abusive x and have the life I do now. It has been very very hard but it is so worth it! I promise it will get a little tiny bit better steadily and then one day you will think blimey I have been happy and sorted all day!

Thank you, smellen.
Yes, H has temper & control issues & I have exhausted all options to try & make things better & get him to change his ways.
We have been very near seperation in the past & he begs me to stay and for a month or so I would see huge change & he would appear the model husband - but things always returned back to the horrible state after a few months.
It would be all so easy for me to save myself heartache & tell him I had changed my mind, but I know that would get me nowhere - I would be back to square 1, waiting for the next outburst & I am pretty sure that outburst would happen. I have been here too many times over the years.
I am not being hard on my Mum, but could do without the extra stress of her going on at me too & making me feel like a really bad person.
I will just try to communicate as little as possible with my parents re all this atm.

Thanks, GF. It feels like I will never feel happy again atm, but I guess one day I might.

There can be times when we can go 2 months or so of all being dandy, but when he goes he really goes IYKWIM?
I know the overly nice bit will be a bit of a show. He knows my parents are giving me a really hard time & wants to come across the good guy in all this, like he is my main support.
He even came out with the "Poor you - you have been controlled all your life between your parents & me, haven't you?"
I guess he is still kind of messing with my head.

Thank you, smellen.
I have been with H for 10 years & married for 7 years. Throughout these years I have got myself in many states as a result of his temper.
He used to tell me that he would say the most nasty thing possible to get to people when he was annoyed & this was exactually what he did...but it did hurt, even after hearing that this was how he worked & he may not always mean it.
He has got me in horrible states that no one else can & I know this is not right. (I am quite a toughie in lots of ways & it takes a lot to break me) I cannot go back now.

My friend (Tessiebear) made an interseting observation. She read my post about H's positives & said they were pretty much all things he could buy - expensive presents, posh meals etc.
She is pretty spot on here.

LW you have a lot of people on here who will support you adn I have to say that that support has been invaluable to me. Even at the worst times at 3am there are still people up who you can talk to!

Smellen is right though. As my Barrister said to me today he controlled you in your marriage and now he is trying to manipulate you in court! Be prepared for a fight they dont let go easily at all these sorts of men.

She is also right that there are others out there who are nice, supportive and not manipulative and who have a sharing adn caring realtionship. I only have to look at Beetroot and see her relationship to know that is true!

Thanks, GF.
I have received loads of wonderful support here, for which I am SO grateful. You lot really keep me going through some pretty tough times and reinfourced the fact that I AM doing the right thing regardless of what H or my parents may say.

I know what you mean about seeing others healthy relationships. I have often envied my sister & BIL's relationship and there were times where I would even look envious at old couples who looked so in love!
I am glad beetroot has someone who treats her so well. I hope you are soon happy too, GF.

Ohps - should say "feel envious of old couples.."

Will need MN to keep me strong over the coming months, as this is going to get harder when he actually leaves.

Have had to cave in & phone in sick today. My IBS has flared right up & I am very emotional this morning. Don't think I would be capable of putting on my ok front.
Agents coming round in half an hour.