My marraige is over...

[Lemmingswife]

I know it is for the best, but I am hurting really bad atm & keep thinking of my poor babies.

Ahhh, Tessiebear I love you!
Yes, we would love to come round on Monday.

Smellen - your posts are superb! Thank you.

LOL at 'pop round on your way to conquering the world!

LW - That's a brilliant result with your Mum! It's like toddler taming all over again, isn't it? ignore her tantrums and she will behave nicely. Brilliant. And YOU did it!
Mushy peas, mushy peas.....

Sorry - your achievement has gone to my head!

Mushy peas indeed, Blu!

GF & smellen, what you have described regarding the love bit is spot on.
Obviously there is a side of H that has kept me with him for 10 years. A side that resulted in me hoping & hoping that the changes would happen, hoping that maybe my latest threat would be the turning point for him, hoping that the counselling would provide the much needed miracle that would take away the angry side of him.
On here you hear about H's bad side. His temper & control issues, which have now proved too much for me.
However, H has a really lovely side too & it is this part of him that has kept me here for all these years.
He is in a lot of ways a lovely person. He gets a lot of pleasure out of cooking me a nice suprise meal, makes me sandwiches for work, can be a great support for me when my parents are being nasty, adores his sons & will come home with little treats for them, he loves going out & shopping for presents for me & puts loads of thought into it, takes me out for meals, he calls me his sweetness & I know he loves me a lot.
These are some of the reasons that I have fought & fought to get rid of the nasty side of his persona, but I have now realised that the changes will never happen & I must take the drastic step. It is far from easy though & does feel like a huge bereavement. He has been a huge 10 years of my life.
However I have exhausted all the options & excepted that the changes will never happen. I have reached the end of the road, but it is very sad.

Am really crying now! Best get ready for work & pull myself together!

I am obviously not putting on as much of an ok act at work as I thought, as someone I work with asked if I was ok, when I was in the staffroom today.
I told her I was alright & asked why she asked. She told me that I just didn't look myself.
Thought I was functioning quite well at work.

H was pacing the house not knowing what to do with himself when I got home today. He has gone to see a friend now.
Much as it will be hard & upsetting at first, I think it will kind of be better when he actually leaves the house, as it is really painful having him here.

LW, you are doing so well. My ex-H has a lovely, charming side too & you are right it is that side of them that keeps us hanging around hoping that we can change the bad bits or that they may change it themselves.
Unfortunately, all my reading & counselling & personal experience seems to suggest that without some very major behavioural therapy, these men are just not going to change.
I shall continue to keep my fingers crossed for you.

HiLW. Has he not said when he is moving out, and what is delaying him from leaving.

I have accepted that it will never change now, Bugsy. I cannot stay around wandering when the next outbust is going to happen & I have told him this.
He said to me today "There really is no hope is there?"
I told him that I have tried so many times to make him change his ways, but it never works for long. I have accepted now that it never will & I cannot continue to live this way.

The friend that he is moving in with is apparantly in the process of decorating the room, so it will be a week or two before he goes.
He is taking himself out a lot though, although keeps coming home horribly drunk.
Think it is MY turn to get out for a change now!

Is he ok with you when you say there is no hope of reconciliation and when he comes home drunk. My Ex came home drunk all the time (we lived together for just short of 6 mths when we split) and he was a bloody nusiance.

LW, catching up here and just expressing my admiration for how strong and resolute you are being. Feel very sad for you that a man who has this lovely side has been unable to change the bad part of his character. He clearly realises how much he has lost.
Wishing you all the best and a big hearty cheer for kicking your wretched mother in to touch :)

Don't try & communicate with him when he comes home drunk tbh, spangles!
Monday, when I had the awful day of seeing my HV & then having my mums nasty e-mail, he was out from lunchtime until 11.30pm drinking!!
Yesterday he went out at 4pm & I am not sure what time he came in as I was asleep, but it would have been in the early hours of the morning.
Said he still felt drunk this morning & that I wouldn't have to worry about him soon as he will soon die if kidney failure!

Thanks, Marina.
My mum came round out of the blue last night & actually asked me more of what was going on.
She didn't seem to be listening well though, as she kept saying "Hmmmm - I think you have just fallen out of love with him that's all"
She also kept on about how she had stayed with my Dad when times were bad & that she did it because she thought of her children!!!!!!!!!!

I am the bad guy in all this in my parents eyes!

Well you most certainly aren't in ours. Thats thousands of Vitalumiere wearing, quinoa eating, supportive pals out there versus one mean-minded mushy mother. We win! You are the good guy LW

I tried to tell her about his temper outbursts, but it was a waste of my breath, as she just kept saying that Dad's temper was worse & she had stayed with him!
She said I can't have tried all options because we have not gone to relate.
She then asked if H & I wanted to go along to a friggin air show on Sunday with them!!!!!!!
Erm....No, I don't think we will be doing that somehow!!!

LOL! Thanks, Marina.

I think H may just have accepted that the marriage is over more so than your mother. My Ex used to come home at all hours drunk and even if I was asleep he used to barge into the bedroom and try to start a conversation which usually ended in an argument. That said, we didnt have any children to wake up. Keep strong. Things will be lots better when he leaves. I promise you this. You will be able to breathe again and a big weight will be lifted from your sholders

I hope so, spangles. I panic so much when I focus on the months ahead of me atm.
Can't believe you lived together for a whole 6 months when you split! That must have been very very hard.

This is the biggest, hardest thing I have ever done in my life.

hi,just found this,i will read it when i can,sounds like you are in the shit too!xx

Of course it is! But that said it can also be the most positive and learning experience as well. I went to relate by the way and it was because of the advice of my relate counsellor that I chucked him out in the end. She was a massive support and I have seen her since and she said she used to wince at the way he spoke to me! My X is now banned from relate until he has had major therapy! LOL tell your mum relate sometimes urges you to split up it is not simply about patching things up!

And Relate refuse to try to patch up relationships in which abuse (including emotional abuse) is a factor, do they not?

They do indeed, Blu. That is what the SW told me in the lead up to the intervention thingy.
Relate would be of no use anyway, but you cannot get through to my parents!