My marraige is over...

[Lemmingswife]

I know it is for the best, but I am hurting really bad atm & keep thinking of my poor babies.

This is what has made it all crystal clear in my head that whatever happens, I AM doing the right thing.
Thanks for your post smellen. It has given me hope!

Thanks for that, smellen.

Have to agree with the other posts.. tribpot.LGJ and freckle.. what difference does it make that you were seen leaving the solicitors? He is only saying that to make you wonder who told him and who is "against you" . Its irrelevent. He knows you have seen a solicitor and thats all that matters. Smellen is spot on with her post... there is light at the end of the tunnel but you just can't see it yet, but life will be fantastic for you . It will start to feel better the day he moves out. take care

Yes, he is obviously annoyed that I saw the solicitor & he didn't know about it first.
He has accepted that there is not a glimmer of hope left now & he is sleeping in the room downstairs.
I know things will get better, spangles. This is the worst bit - especially having to battle with my parents too.
I am very yo-yo like atm. Never up up, but there are moments that I seem to function quite well with it all & then I will suddenly sink right down for a bit.

just keep making plans for you new life. did he tell you that you were seen leaving the solicitors or did he only tell you that after you had told him. personally i dont think he could have kept that info to himself if he did know

No, he told me first. I didn't mention anything about the solicitors to him.
He probably searched my bag & found my little appointment card. I wouldn't put it past him!

mine searched my car LW and found the parking ticket from the solicitors street and then out of the blue got me in a corner and said I know you have seen the solicitor and wouldnt tell me how he knew! I have been there and was totally wondering how he knew until I realised my carhad been searched.

In the beginning I thought every little thing mattered including the horrible letters from his solicitor but I have learned to ignore them. It has taken a long time adn both of us have been conditioned to these men. THere are layers of that conditioning behaviour to take away before you can leanr to just shrug these things off but it is slowly starting to happen to me after 8 months and I am sure it will for you too.

My ex used to spy on me during my lunch break from work... convinced I was seeing someone else. He thought he was on to something when I walked up a particular street where a mate of his lived but was dissapointed when I was only going to the butty shop for a butty and packet of crisps. He also searched my bag and purse but never found owt

Great posts Smellen.

I really like "guilt is a negative emotion - it uses up a lot of energy but achieves nothing" .

Yes, I agree about the continuing control thing - 'someone' told him you had been to the solicitors, but he won't say who. 'someone' told your Mother about your posts, but she won't say who....two peas in a nasty pod, both out to control and guilt trip you. Pathetic mind-f**ck games.

H would have known that trouble was brewing after his behaviour, and had a good snoop.

You're growing from strength to strength, LW, I'm full of admiration.
XXXX

Your right Blu... no wonder H and mother get on... both out to control you. It makes me wonder what strokes they will pull next to make you behave yourself, unless they have just accepted the inevitable.. that you are now controlling your life... not them. good on ya girl

great post Blu!

It really doesn't matter who saw you at the sollicitor's and you shouldn't waste any time and energy worrying about it, as it will detract you from the real issues.

Over the next few months, mutual friends/acquaintances may well see you doing all kinds of things and report back to h, or he may keep an eye on you himself. It really doesn't matter. Once he realises that you couldn't care less who sees you doing what, as it is nobody else's business but your own, then he will stop mentioning it.

They are both peas in a nasty pod, Blu. Good description! It seems I am being spied on from every corner atm.
Heard nothing back from my mum since yesterdays e-mail, so think she may have got the message now. She will be feeling very wounded though!

Spoke to the SENCO (my line manager) today & explained everything to her. I managed to stay very calm throughout & explained about both the seperation and my family causing me extra stress.
She asked me if I felt I needed to reduce my hours & I told her that I didn't atm & that work was a great distraction for me.
She said she didn't know how I was doing it & that it may be useful for me to tell the woman I work alongside, as she will be supportive.

Been kind of okay at work today, but feel all horrible again now I am home. Told you I was a yo-yo!

Not worrying too greatly about the whole solicitor thing. It doesn't matter now whether I was seen or not!

I think yo are doing marvellously. You are staying so strong and throughout it all you know you are doing the right thing. Well done and keep it up

Thanks, Beetroot. I have moments where I feel quite strong & other times when I feel like a weak emotional wreck!!

My manager thinks I will end up so much stronger when I come out the other side of this. I guess she may be true, but I have to get there first!

Was meant to say "guess this may be true"

It is true LW it really really is. I have learned so much about myself and who I am and frankly it has been a blessing a very very hard one. Not only will you be stronger but you will be happier even though at the moment it doesnt seem that way at all at times.

I am so glad that you are so much happier, GF.
I know that the next few months are going to be ultra hard. Sometimes it all gets too much to take in & my brain won't allow me to believe all this is happening. Does that make any sense?

Loads. For the first few weeks I felt I had run into a train! I couldnt eat or sleep and most of the time it was like in a dream. Everyone said take pills and I didnt however hard it got.

I think there was a part of me that wanted to feel everything to show myself that whilst everyone said he was a bastard, I had really loved him if that makes sense and my marriage had meant something. If I had felt nothing what would that have said about 16years?

We need to feel low and depressed about this imo in order to come out stronger and I think not fighting the emotion is the best bet. Sometimes people make us feel that we shoudl be being happy because we are out from an abusive relationship but as I have said before there are layers of conditioning to get through and we need to think it meant something as well.

I am constantly amazed at the resilience women show in the face of tragedy and betrayal and how strong they are. We get on with things and put things back togethe,r mend our hearts and keep our families going no matter what. That has been so for centuries.

I know that in the end things will be ok for you I am an optimist and whilst it is going to be really hard I think you have been so strong and have stuck with your decision in the face of enormous pressure.

My mum has phoned tonight. She didn't get on at me, or mention anymore, just asked how the boys were.
Maybe my harsh mail has actually made her think a little!

All you have described sums up exactually how I feel, GF!

Lets hope your mum has seen sense LW mine didnt and we no longer speak! Her loss!

LOL LW at "peas in a nasty pod"!!! Your H is just mad that you took the initiative to see a solicitor BEFORE him (i bet he has seen one now!) You are just one step ahead of the game my love - i KNOW you will be ok - you are SO much stronger than you think and i could cry at how much i bloody admire you for the person you have become and the SHIT you have taken from you H!!! You will come out of this and conquer the world!!! Do you and DS's want to come to tea after school on Monday btw???

I'm really glad that you are getting lots of support here on MN.. also it sounds like you have a good friend in Tessiebear. Maybe your mother has realised just where her loyalties should be.. to her lovely daughter and Grandchildren. Are you getting any support from your sister or is she afraid to stand up for you in case she upsets your dad?