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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My marraige is over...

1065 replies

Lemmingswife · 08/06/2006 22:56

I know it is for the best, but I am hurting really bad atm & keep thinking of my poor babies.Sad

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Beetroot · 14/06/2006 16:57

when i split from mylong term boyf, my mohter went int o a spele about

Dont you know how I feel. I have known him for as long as you, who will put up my shelves, it is alalalalalalla..I walked out and didn speak to her for two months

Lemmingswife · 14/06/2006 17:11

The bit of her mail that made me die was "You know me & Dad would do anything for you"
Erm...is this the same Dad that threatened to wash his hands of me if I didn't make my marraige work??!

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Lemmingswife · 14/06/2006 17:18

& that comment was directly after the line about how Dad says she should do even less for me!!!

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Freckle · 14/06/2006 17:37

As I said, you don't need the added stress of coping with your mother's feelings. Tell her to either be supportive or back off completely and let you sort your life out yourself.

Lemmingswife · 14/06/2006 17:40

I have sent done Freckle & have just got a message back which just says "ok"
Think I must have got my point across!

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Lemmingswife · 14/06/2006 17:40

sent done! Sorry, another dodgy typo!

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Freckle · 14/06/2006 17:44

Well done. Let's hope she's not just saying that.

Blu · 14/06/2006 17:49

Ah, but you are magnificent when you are staunch and assertive, LW - well done you!

Lemmingswife · 14/06/2006 17:51

Mailed you the mails, Blu!

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Tessiebear · 14/06/2006 19:45

Think that E-mail you sent your mum was really good LW - sorry i had to rush off _ Bo - Bo was being sick!!!
Am sure it has done the trick for your mum to send such a short reply like that - not like her!!!
I would just keep your distance from her and your dad atm and stay strong - i know you will!

Lemmingswife · 14/06/2006 20:20

Hi TessSmile

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Lemmingswife · 14/06/2006 20:21

Is DS3 okay now?

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LadySherlockofLGJ · 14/06/2006 20:22

Oh LW I am so proud of you. Stay strong.

Lemmingswife · 14/06/2006 20:26

Thanks, LGJ.
Not always feeling strong atm!

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Lemmingswife · 14/06/2006 21:08

I have done the right thing - I know I have.
Going to be very much on my own soon though.Sad

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Lemmingswife · 14/06/2006 21:22

He keeps on about how he was told that I had been seen leaving the solicitors, but tells me I will never find out who told him.

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Smellen · 14/06/2006 21:27

Dear Lemmingswife
Have read bits of this thread and sorry to hear you are having such a crap time ATM.

I don't know the full history of your marriage, but many of the posts explain or imply that you have suffered a lot of verbal and emotional abuse, and do not receive any support from your own family now that the situation is out in the open.

I just wanted to say that I walked out of a long relationship for similar reasons. Thankfully, my parents were supportive of my decision to leave. Even so, it was a really hard thing to do, but I believe that I would have had some sort of nervous breakdown if I had stayed.

After the initial shock of turning my life upside down, I regained the joie de vivre that I had felt as a teenager. I stopped calling my mates in order to cry down the phone. I realised after a few months that I felt literally lighter because of the absence of living with constant tension. I started to believe in my own version of events - because bullies always try to convince you that you are imagining the whole thing. Once I'd decided to go, I never looked back.

Five years later, and life is really good. Your life will be really good too in the future. You've made the first step towards making it so.

I wish you all the best Smile.

tribpot · 14/06/2006 21:39

Great post, Smellen.

LW, don't dwell on the who saw what and when. It just keeps you off balance and distracts from the main issue. Keep on keeping on. xx

Lemmingswife · 14/06/2006 21:42

Thank you, smallen.
I know it is for the best & I cannot turn back now, but I get real down moments & panic about everything.
With my Dads threat on Saturday, I feel like I am caught between the devil & the deep blue sea in a way.
I am so scared of being all alone.

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Lemmingswife · 14/06/2006 21:49

Think it will be best when he just leaves in a way.
I am still ironing his friggin jeans!

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dinosaure · 14/06/2006 22:12

That's a great post, smellen.

Smellen · 14/06/2006 22:14

Don't let fear of being alone hold you back. You are better off on your own than being in an abusive relationship.

A few months down the line - when you are over the shock, and when you are not spending 99% of your waking time going over it all - you will start reacquainting yourself with yourself. And you will like what you find.

When you live with someone who undermines your confidence and tries to control you, you lose sight of who you are and what you want out of life. To pacify and please them, you start wanting what they want. You try not to rock the boat and tread on egg-shells (terrible mix of metaphors!!)

Suddenly you are on your own - and overcome with a sense of euphoria & freedom, but also by fear and doubt. It's normal. This man has been telling you you're worthless and wrong for a long time. Of course you will have started to believe it. But time will heal and you will gradually regain your confidence.

You will make friends and renew old friendships. (You might one day meet someone good and kind with whom you want to have a relationship - but try not to make this the be-all-and-end-all!) You will rebuild your life and the hole that you feel at its centre right now, will disappear as you remember who you are and what you want.

One of my relatives said to me that guilt is a negative emotion - it uses up a lot of energy but achieves nothing. As you move on, try not to beat yourself up for the situation you're now in. It's really early days yet, you're head is probably spinning with everything you're having to deal with. It will get easier. And you will be happy again. (And when you worry about the effect of all this on your kids - well, consider the effect on them of seeing their mother downtrodden and miserable.)

You have a long slog ahead of you - divorces can take ages, particularly if your partner is uncooperative (as he may be if he was a control freak and now feels he has lost his power...)

On a practical level, take notes to meetings with your lawyer (so you don't waste time & money crying!) Jot down notes now of examples of unreasonable behaviour you have experienced. Keep a diary of any harassment you experience from now on. Try to get hold of important documents now and put them in a safe place.

PS If I sound like a dippy-hippy self-help author, I'm not. But I know from experience that leaving an abusive relationship is an empowering act, and that things can only get better. Good luck.

LadySherlockofLGJ · 14/06/2006 22:15

He keeps on about how he was told that I had been seen leaving the solicitors, but tells me I will never find out who told him.

MORE FRIGGIN CONTROL

Freckle · 14/06/2006 22:19

Err, what does it matter that you were seen leaving the solicitor? It was probably him watching you again anyway.

He probably forgot to mention that he'd seen you going to the supermarket, collecting the children from school, etc.

As long as it wasn't your solicitor telling him Wink.

Smellen · 14/06/2006 22:22

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