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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Toothache catches a quick 5 mins to let you all know....

165 replies

Toothache · 08/06/2006 14:18

....that H tried to strangle me and punched me repeatedly in the head on Tuesday night.... as I lay in bed.

He was arrested.... charged with Domestic Assault and has been bailed to his parents town 280 miles away. He'll be sentenced at the end of the month. Sad

We'd just had a lovely 2 week holiday too. He's never done anything like this before, but to be honest I could see him becoming more and more unstable and depressed for a while (as any MN'ers that 'know' me will know).

I'm at work using someone elses log in, my home email is STILL not working and I could really do with you guys of an evening.

Mum & Dad are helping me with the kids. I'm surpsrisingly calm and almost relieved. H has many problems and thankfully now because he finally snapped he will be forced to get the help he needs..... and his parents now will know all this too.

I don't hate him, I do still love him..... but he's gone and will not be moving back in anytime soon. After sentencing (probably a fine) he'll be in a flat of his own up here so he can carry on with his job and still see the kids as often as possible.

It was a real shock when it happened, but am I strange to feel relieved that it did?

Anyway, thats the situation.

Hope you are all doing wonderful. Smile I will try to get a minute to check if there are any Scottish meet-ups coming soon and will do my best to get there.

I MISS MN! Sad

OP posts:
LadyCodofCOdford · 09/06/2006 11:59

i htink youll find that visits wil be monitored and whne its convenient for you.

you must let them happen though

htinkign of you ol mucker

do ring if ou want

Original poster
Toothache · 09/06/2006 12:03

Thanks Cod. I don't know how to manage if he is going to have to stay down at his parents though. We don't live anywhere near the Nursery where the kids go and no buses run from up here in the hills! I'm very isolated and he has the car (I can't drive it anyway.... I know I know!!).
Could he really be sent to prison for helping me transport the kids to and from Nursery? I thought I would have to call the police. Sad

The Procurator Fiscals office told me there are no restrictions on him seeing the kids as long as a third party collects them. Sad

OP posts:
meowmix · 09/06/2006 12:05

god toothache, how awful. hope you get all the support you need.

tiredemma · 09/06/2006 12:06

sorry to hear what a terrible time you are having toothache, was thinking of you the other day, miss your posts.

xx

Bugsy2 · 09/06/2006 12:14

Bloody hell Toothache - you poor thing. I can't imagine how frightened you must have felt. So very sorry that this has happened. Really hope that your H can get the help he clearly needs.
Big huge hugs to you - we miss you here too.

LadyCodofCOdford · 09/06/2006 12:16

oh ok then.

gscrym · 09/06/2006 12:18

Talk to the nursery and explain as much of the situation as you feel they need to know. They may be able to help in someway. Or put a note on their notice board to say you need the little ones picked up and dropped of and would be willing to pay petrol money for the help.

bossykate · 09/06/2006 12:56

very sorry to read this Sad going back to your op, no i'm not surprised you feel somewhat relieved - from what you've shared with us things have been going down hill for a long, long time. wishing you lots of courage and strength at this very difficult time.

Original poster
Toothache · 09/06/2006 14:37

Cod - Can he get arrested for coming up here even if I don't phone the police? Sad

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 09/06/2006 14:38

Thinkig of you Toothache. It can only get better from here.

Original poster
Toothache · 09/06/2006 14:45

I'm just waiting for Womens Aid to phone me back. I've got no support here really.... apart from friends offering help that they can't really follow through with. My Mum is concentrating on talking about how much of a bast*rd H is. Dad is still reeling from the shock that I dared to have H arrested.

The people at work are being the most supportive! But I can't take time off coz I won't get paid. We only came back from 2 wonderful weeks in Menorca last Friday. Sad

When it hits you, it hits you hard eh.

OP posts:
Next · 09/06/2006 14:46

Had things been Okayish since you went offline then?

Original poster
Toothache · 09/06/2006 14:48

Next - Okayish.... we only had one arguement on holiday. And that only lasted one night and by next afternoon it was all great again. We agreed on holiday that most of the horribleness between us had been caused by stress and it reminded me that before all the stresses of life.... we actually quite liked each other!
But before the holiday he'd been getting steadily more verbally abusive toward me. A ticking time bomb.

OP posts:
Next · 09/06/2006 14:54

Thats sad. Did he attend his anger management? (May be remebering things wrong her)

You deserve better, you must be so shocked even though hes never been an angel.

april74 · 09/06/2006 14:54

Hi Tooty, sorry to hear about your problems, email me mate (changed my name) so you wont recognise it, but we were both in the paper :)

LadyCodofCOdford · 09/06/2006 14:55

yes fi they find out deffo
i really woudl ring hwoever se teh bail ocnditions an dask for them to go back to court and get them altered
quite a reg event

LadyCodofCOdford · 09/06/2006 14:55

whoevere "set"

Rhubarb · 09/06/2006 14:56

So sorry to hear this toothy, I did wonder where you had gone but I had no idea any of this was going on! You are one very gutsy lady and if anyone can come out of this on a winner, you can! We're right behind you mate!

LadyCodofCOdford · 09/06/2006 14:56

adand anyway they are for your own safety
he is ahrdly going ot be rational if he comes is he?
lets face it he ahs done wrong he deserves to be inconveneinced.
the kdis will eb fine

my dh is away loadsa dn htey still are ok
really its only a few weeks

Original poster
Toothache · 09/06/2006 15:49

To change the bail conditions do I have to discuss it with H? He won't contact me.

Unfortunately Cod he's not inconvenienced at all. He's in Liverpool, on compassionate leave from work.... with his Mummy.... drinking with his mates and completely ignoring the situation. I'd rather he was in Scotland, in a rented flat, helping me transport the kids, facing up to what he's done. I'm certainly not intending on taking him back for a looooonnnnng time. But I need help and nobody around about me can offer the practical help I need. Sad

I feel like he's getting off scot-free whilst I'm left with all the practical/financial and emotional problems. Totally forgotten by the judicial system who seem to be treating me like exhibit A, placed on a shelf until required again. Sad.

April74 - I can't get your email address as I've got a new PC and can't get online. Do you have Beety's address? She now has my work email.

Hope you are doing great! Grin Good to hear from you again.

OP posts:
LadyCodofCOdford · 09/06/2006 16:27

no way ring him
ring the court office and aks them

SoupDragon · 09/06/2006 18:12

Toothy, either email me on my proper address or huffahorse at hotmail dot com

:)

YellowFeathers · 09/06/2006 18:16

Crikey Toothache.
Hope your doing ok.

{{{hugs}}}

(Nbg)
xxx

peachyClair · 09/06/2006 18:44

I don't know if you have HomeStart Toothy, but we used to quite regularly send volunteers to famillies dealing with the aftermath of domestic violence- people who had lost a partner, been relocated, that sort of thing.

It might help, and they have a website that can put you in touch if there is one local to you

Dior · 09/06/2006 19:10

I was thinking we hadn't seen you on here for a while. Hope you are feeling ok.