Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I paranoid or could he be cheating?

289 replies

amijustparanoid · 21/07/2013 18:57

DH and I went to his works summer party on Friday night and something that I witnessed with him and a female colleague has been bothering me ever since. When we got there he seemed to make a big effort to sit us on the same table as her - throughout the meal she seemed ok, they were friendly but not overly friendly but later on when I was away from the table I saw him get up and move seats to sit next to her (it was late and people had started to move around/leave so at that time it was only those two at the table) and as he sat down he squeezed her thigh. It was very quick but it definitely happened. Then as I was watching they sat and chatted and while chatting he was helping himself to her drink. She didn't seem to react to either and didn't look surprised at what he was doing.

When I asked him about it on the way home he denied it had happened and when I brought it up again yesterday and said I'd definitely seen him do it and I thought it was inappropariate, he made light of it and said he was drunk and would just have been being friendly. I said I wasn't comfortable with him being that 'friendly' with another woman - especially one that he spends all day at work with but now he says I'm being ridiculous.

What do you think? Would you do something like this if drunk even if there was nothing going on with the person? He says the drink thing is nothing but I wouldn't help myself to someone elses drink unless we were close and used to sharing.

My friend thinks he was being a drunken idiot and says that if there was something going on with her then he would have tried to keep us apart and not sit us with her but I can't shake how uneasy it's made me feel. Before that night I had no suspicions anything was wrong, I'd never even heard of her before but now I'm sitting here dreading tomorrow knowing that he'll be with her all day at work.

Am I being silly over a couple of minor things or would this bother you?

OP posts:
Mixxy · 23/07/2013 10:22

Perhaps Donkeys. But maybe you also realize that you're married to the office letch. Every office has one. Wouldn't be shining my ring on that one either.

Disrespectful.

BusyCee · 23/07/2013 10:55

Ok, so from all the posts it's still a bit possible either way. Not sure that harassing him will help him 'fess up (or give you confidence in his reply- he's already given you an answer and you're not happy with it). And as earlier post-er said, snooping opens up massive trust issues (and leaves you to make your own interpretations about emails you read without context).

Instead, why don't you take different tack. Tell him one last time why you feel uncomfortable about what you saw, that you're still feeling unsure but that you want him to understand what you think of the sitch. Try to talk about what you think, rather than what you feel, as this is often easier for men to deal with (your OH may be different, but they often switch off when confronted by strong emotions, partic. when they're being challenged). Then you've been crystal clear about what are acceptable boundaries for you, and why you're unhappy. Because, assuming he's innocent, is there anything he could say at this stage to convince you of it? You're looking for evidence of guilt now, not innocence...

Jan45 · 23/07/2013 11:13

I don't think there is an affair going on but it could be the start of one - and apart from that how disrespectful is that kind of behaviour to you, who else saw him and thought that's so and so's husband feeling up another woman - nice. If that's what he does in your presence I'd be worried what he does when you're not there. It's not on, it's showing a complete lack of consideration for you, tell him it better not happen again and I'd be very suspicious of the two of them.

NanaNina · 23/07/2013 14:31

Have any of you noticed that the OP hasn't posted for quite a while! Not reading anything into it, it's just that these threads always get very busy and it can be overlooked that the OP has left the thread!!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 23/07/2013 15:42

NanaNina some contributions since the OP posted less than 24 hours' ago but threads don't always stop while the OP gets on with life. OP can read further and choose whether to post again or not, we aren't setting a stopwatch.

NanaNina · 23/07/2013 16:38

Point taken Donkeys

Thisisaeuphemism · 23/07/2013 16:50

Nobody squeezes my thigh unless we are shagging (or under five years old)
I really can't believe one colleague could do that to another.

clam · 23/07/2013 17:10

I would be watching and listening VERY carefully for the time being, if I were you. I think the casual nature of what you saw is very telling, I'm afraid. Call me a cynic if you like, but I've been around the block a few times.

Original poster
amijustparanoid · 23/07/2013 21:49

Tried to look at his blackberry when he got home tonight - there were 5 or 6 emails from her today but I didn't have time to read any, just looked again and they've all gone. Wish I hadn't seen anything now as I have no way of knowing whether he's innocently sorted a days worth of work emails or deleted a days worth of flirty emails.

And he's just reminded me he's going away on a three day course next week with three others including her. Feeling stupidly panicky about it, a week ago I wouldn't have batted an eyelid but will obviously have no way of knowing what he's up to. I haven't said anything yet but don't see what I can say - he can't and won't refuse to go as it's important for his work.

OP posts:
Thisisaeuphemism · 23/07/2013 21:58

Can you get hold of the blackberry again?

If I were you I would start thinking, and planning how to deal with the worst. It looks bad op. sorry.

JustinBsMum · 23/07/2013 22:19

What do you know about her? Married/single/party goer/career minded/in steady relationship?
Maybe his behaviour was because they/he knew the course was coming up and they have an assignation of some sort.
Private detective??

Silverfoxballs · 23/07/2013 22:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShedWood · 23/07/2013 22:32

Where is this course? Is it far from you? do you have DC to look after?

If not why don't you say "it seems a shame for you to be in a hotel room on your own next week, I'll come up and join you for dinner and stay over" and see how that goes down.

If he's organised/hoping for a bit of alone time with his colleague he will not be very keen on that idea.

newbiefrugalgal · 23/07/2013 23:23

I think offering to join him is too obvious!

If you have funds can you get him followed.
Would give some piece of mind?

Not sure I like the missing emails, is that common to organise them like that?

SawofftheOW · 24/07/2013 00:39

He's having an affair with her. It's already physical. They have demonstrated easy intimacy in plain sight - she contrived to stay at the table when everyone else left to give them the opportunity to whisper sweet nothings whilst making it seem that he was simply being courteous. He's deleting her emails and the mention of the fact that she is away with him next week is a double-bluff - he will gaslight you by telling you you are paranoid and delusional, and then he will be shagging her in the hotel. He is a clever and conniving shit and I suspect this has been going on for at least six months.

I am so sorry to read about what you are going through but I totally agree I would get him tailed by a private detective while he is away next week. I have been where you are - my husband's OW was a colleague who wasn't mentioned but he contrived to ensure we were on the same tables etc at work does. He would stop at a small supermarket on his way back from work/picking up our DC from after school care, having arranged for OW to stop there with her DD. Just so they could exchange a word and linger with each other before each went home to their 'shit' partners and 'crap' marriages.

Funny that neither marriage was that crap for the 15 or so years each had notched up before they met at work and realised they were 'extraordinary' together. The story is always the same, the betrayer's script is always the same, and the agony endured by their partners is uniquely terrible. I am so sorry but you must, must keep digging. X

SawofftheOW · 24/07/2013 00:43

He's having an affair with her. It's already physical. They have demonstrated easy intimacy in plain sight - she contrived to stay at the table when everyone else left to give them the opportunity to whisper sweet nothings whilst making it seem that he was simply being courteous. He's deleting her emails and the mention of the fact that she is away with him next week is a double-bluff - he will gaslight you by telling you you are paranoid and delusional, and then he will be shagging her in the hotel. He is a clever and conniving shit and I suspect this has been going on for at least six months.

I am so sorry to read about what you are going through but I totally agree I would get him tailed by a private detective while he is away next week. I have been where you are - my husband's OW was a colleague who wasn't mentioned but he contrived to ensure we were on the same tables etc at work does. He would stop at a small supermarket on his way back from work/picking up our DC from after school care, having arranged for OW to stop there with her DD. Just so they could exchange a word and linger with each other before each went home to their 'shit' partners and 'crap' marriages.

Funny that neither marriage was that crap for the 15 or so years each had notched up before they met at work and realised they were 'extraordinary' together. The story is always the same, the betrayer's script is always the same, and the agony endured by their partners is uniquely terrible. I am so sorry but you must, must keep digging. X

DfanjoUnchained · 24/07/2013 06:33

Do people really delete boring work emails though? I don't think so, unless they're super efficient

BalloonSlayer · 24/07/2013 06:44

I think 5 or 6 emails from her in one day, that were then deleted, tells you all you need to know. Sad

thismousebites · 24/07/2013 07:08

I really feel for you OP.
Had similar thing happen where I just had this feeling in the pit of my stomach that something about the situation was a bit off.
However your DH will lie and lie all the way home no matter how much you ask him to fess up. Why would he? He knows that up till this incident you were completely trusting of him so will have no real evidence against him.
He put you all on the same table because he wanted to be near to her and he thought you would not be suspicious but the thigh squeeze and shared drink were him letting his guard down. He is now kicking himself for being careless in front if you and has become more careful by deleting the emails as he knows you are on to him.
If you can afford it I would be tempted to have him followed at this work thing. He will never admit anything unless he knows you have proof.

clam · 24/07/2013 17:00

If I get a dull email from work, I close it down to deal with later, when I can be arsed.
I don't delete them.

PlatinumStart · 24/07/2013 18:23

A reassuring thigh squeeze and casual, drink from her glass are absolute giveaways that they are shagging. Alternatively a robust pat/jovial squeeze of the thigh and the acceptance of an offered taste of a new drink is what friends do.

Only you can say which category his behavior fell into

Original poster
amijustparanoid · 24/07/2013 18:45

JustinBsMum - she's younger than us, in a more junior position to DH and has a boyfriend apparently although he wasn't at the party. That's all I could really get out of dh, he initially said that there 'wasn't much to say' about her but I said he must get on well with her to go and speak and be so 'friendly' (his reasoning after all) he just said 'she's ok I suppose'. No idea what he thinks of her professionally.

The course is about 3 hours away - I work and we have a dd so no way I can pay a surprise visit and couldn't afford a private investigator (seems so scary/sad that I'm even considering it)

I have no idea how he normally manages his work email as have never looked at them before - for me it wouldn't necessarily be odd to leave them in the inbox and then delete/move them later when I had time to sort them but I don't think any others had been deleted. I'm not sure what I'd be looking for in emails anyway though -he's told me before they get screened by his IT department so surely they wouldn't be writing anything that revealing?

OP posts:
Original poster
amijustparanoid · 24/07/2013 18:54

Platinumstart - It's difficult as it was such a brief moment and it's been going over and over in my head so much I'm not sure what actually happened and what I'm just thinking happened now.

I'm pretty sure it was the first of your options though Sad There was obviously something about it that has made it affect me so much and I think it's just the way it looked so natural to them - that she didn't flinch or think anything of it, it wasn't like he was being drunkenly lecherous it looked more affectionate.

OP posts:
clam · 24/07/2013 19:05

This is tricky, as there's not much more you can do. You've brought it up, and he's playing dumb. There's no way in a million years he'd admit to anything unless you had incontrovertible proof, and even then, some guys carry on denying anything's happened.

I suppose all you can do is watch and wait, keeping your antennae firmly attuned. Maybe ring him at awkward times whilst he's away? But I don't see how you're going to get any peace of mind though.

Sympathies.

JustinBsMum · 24/07/2013 19:49

Would deleted emails be in the trash folder?