Am I paranoid or could he be cheating?

[amijustparanoid]

DH and I went to his works summer party on Friday night and something that I witnessed with him and a female colleague has been bothering me ever since. When we got there he seemed to make a big effort to sit us on the same table as her - throughout the meal she seemed ok, they were friendly but not overly friendly but later on when I was away from the table I saw him get up and move seats to sit next to her (it was late and people had started to move around/leave so at that time it was only those two at the table) and as he sat down he squeezed her thigh. It was very quick but it definitely happened. Then as I was watching they sat and chatted and while chatting he was helping himself to her drink. She didn't seem to react to either and didn't look surprised at what he was doing.

When I asked him about it on the way home he denied it had happened and when I brought it up again yesterday and said I'd definitely seen him do it and I thought it was inappropariate, he made light of it and said he was drunk and would just have been being friendly. I said I wasn't comfortable with him being that 'friendly' with another woman - especially one that he spends all day at work with but now he says I'm being ridiculous.

What do you think? Would you do something like this if drunk even if there was nothing going on with the person? He says the drink thing is nothing but I wouldn't help myself to someone elses drink unless we were close and used to sharing.

My friend thinks he was being a drunken idiot and says that if there was something going on with her then he would have tried to keep us apart and not sit us with her but I can't shake how uneasy it's made me feel. Before that night I had no suspicions anything was wrong, I'd never even heard of her before but now I'm sitting here dreading tomorrow knowing that he'll be with her all day at work.


Am I being silly over a couple of minor things or would this bother you?

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Please excuse the bluntness but assuming you still sleep together I personally would want to make very sure of my personal health even ahead of any future sibling for DD.

A work affair with a colleague would be a cheap date: they'd see each other 5 days a week, minus dreary domestic scenarios. Coincidental late nights working or random sickdays are handy excuses for a rendezvous. Anything like late nights working or weekend crisis meetings that ring a bell since pre Christmas? It was 9 months since they started working together?

I don't know anyone in rl who ever arranged a private eye to track a partner. Your best bet is to keep watchful. It is usually a bad case of hand-glued-to-Blackberry-itis that prompts a bout of suspicion or the involved overdone excuse for a simple misunderstanding or abnormally high phone or credit card bill.

[thismousebites]

Did your DH tell you she had a boyfriend or do you know this to be true from another source? If from DH then it sounds like he's trying to put you off the scent by sticking a bogus boyfriend into the mix.
And as for the outwardly disinterested comments when you asked about her, could also just be his way of acting nonchalant in front of you.
You say this incident happened so fast that you are starting to question yourself over what you actually saw. However it has left you feeling unsettled and IME intuition is never wrong. Whatever has made you feel this way is obviously different to how he has behaved in the past where up to now you have had complete trust in him.
Think you need to look deeper into his behaviour over the past few months not just this one evening. If he has been seeing her for a while then his attitude towards you will have altered over that period.....you just haven't noticed it till now.

[SawofftheOW]

'She's OK I suppose' - a very casual remark designed to diminish, both your doubts and his alleged opinion of her. Yet again an attempt to divert you. You are being, as i said before, gas-lighted. My DH shared the same script as yours. When I commented that his work colleague was a particularly attractive woman who must get lots of attention from the men she worked with, he replied 'can't say I've noticed her really'. At that point he had been shagging her for months and they had also looked at property to buy together, schools for our DC and hers. Their plan was that he would be so able to rubbish me due to my regretable habit of being the major wage earner in the family, which led me to have to work very long hours and travel a great deal with my job, that he could ensure the children would live mainly with him and his OW. She was going to claim similar things about her DH. All very cozy. OP, I am so so sorry for you as this has every warning bell in the book ringing. Have you read Shirley Glass's 'Not Just Friends..' - your DH's current behaviour and script is in there. Reading it will help you understand how these work-based affairs begin and how to deal with it. Thinking of you tonight and rooting for you. X

[amijustparanoid]

Had another go on the phone and found an email - all the ones before it had been deleted but it was a trail of probably about twenty starting at 8 this morning with the latest one 30 mins ago so they've been emailing back and forth all day.

It's basically one long, slightly flirting chat. There is nothing that suggests anything has happened and nothing about seeing each other (dh travels between a couple of offices and wasn't in the same one as her today) but it's all very 'friendly' and she was teasing him about his new glasses (he spent £200 on them at the weekend but now says he doesn't like)

Don't know if l can even say anything about this as there's nothing that stands out as that bad - he'll just claim that it backs up his story that they're friends but is it normal to be emailing female colleagues all day and into the evening when you're at home with your wife and dd?

[mrscraig]

I think my advice would be to trust your instincts. I have recently uncovered my dh's affair with a colleague. I wish I had trusted my instincts and not doubted myself. In the end I found out as my instinct was screaming at me to investigate further.
Emailing and texting that early is not normal.
I'm sorry you're in this position. Don't let him distrust yourself.
Sending you lots of love. Be strong.

[Thisisaeuphemism]

No it's not normal. I'm sorry op.

[amijustparanoid]

mrscraig - how did you find out for sure?

[mrscraig]

He always had his phone on him. Even first thing in the morning. I didn't know the pin, so watched carefully. Then one morning sneaked a look and found a long stream of texts they'd been sending each other over the course of a day and night, including one at 8.15 that morning. And photos too. Have you checked those?
The shock I felt left me reeling and I was physically sick. If I had had the presence of mind I would have checked further.
It was more how he'd been behaving more than anything else. The texts just confirmed it. I had thought I was going mad.
What are your instincts telling you? Put your trust in them. My husband was someone I trusted above anyone which is why I doubted myself for so long. The only person to trust is yourself. Good luck x

[LilyAmaryllis]

I'm very sorry - that IS a lot of emails in one day. One of my colleagues gets a bit chatty/flirty in emails/texts from time to time but I always feel a little uncomfortable about it and usually close the conversation down/forget to reply. It would never get to a string of 20 emails in a day.

It might not be a physical affair but it does sound at least quite like an emotional affair. The work trip away is a bit worrying. I'm sorry I have no idea what you should do.

[Notafixer]

I don't think that volume of emails is normal I'm afraid. The only time I've sent that many to a single colleague is if we fancy each other! What's your DP's job like, is it unusual for him to be able to twiddle his thumbs and send flirty emails all day, or is he prioritising contact with her?

[MadAboutHotChoc]

Get this book:

shirley glass

It could be an emotional affair that's about to become physical although I am not sure because of the thigh squeeze and sharing of drinks that they haven't shagged yet...as it is he is investing more energy and time into her than in his marriage and that is a huge red flag.

[bico]

I work in a very male dominated business and view male colleagues as friends. However if one of them squeezed my thigh and drank some of my drink I'd be saying loudly what on earth do you think you are doing? It isn't the usual behaviour of a work colleague no matter how many hours you spend together per week (and I travel a lot with my male colleagues and have many hours alone with them as a result).

I'd add that I would only expect to hear from a married male work colleague in the evenings if it was work related and that would be very apparent from the email content. Not unusual as the business I work in means we are on call 24/7. Social chitchat with female work colleagues is usually on BBM as it doesn't leave a trail that the IT dept can read.

[onefewernow]

20 emails after what happened ? And after he said " She' s ok I suppose".

You know that isn't normal. It isn't, is it?

[Twinklestein]

20 emails in 12 hours would be fine between partners.

He should be sending those emails to you.

[thismousebites]

With regards to his work mates. do you know any of them or their wives/partners? Are his friends your friends? Would any of them tell you if they had noticed any funny goings on between your DH and this woman?

[WinkyWinkola]

You're not paranoid.

You're very astute. Squeezing thighs is a big deal IMO. And the rest. Emailing one person so much. Gosh. Who has time for that?

Perhaps a "I know what's going on. Have a long hard think about what you're going to lose"conversation is necessary. Because I will get what is best for my children." conversation is required.

Scare him a little. Does he know what he has to lose?

[Smilehappy]

Doesn't sound to good. I don't think I could deal with him going away on business with her keep us updated, I truly hope it is nothing!! Hand holding Xxx

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

she's younger than us, in a more junior position to DH which will make him look bloody silly if it does all happen to be innocent looking increasingly unlikely but he's bombarding her with emails not to mention being flirty at the office party. Employers these days normally take a dim view if their staff complain about harassment.

That might be a way to raise the question. Innocently put it to him that something someone has said to you (on MN but don't mention that bit) makes you wonder if she 'might have a thing for him'. Point out he'd better be careful when working away with her next week. It is nice for her to have an older man as a mentor but could look very awkward if there's any sighting of them cosy at the hotel. If someone got the wrong idea it could lead to trouble especially in a gossipy office where people tend to think there's no smoke without fire.

Btw are you sure he doesn't know you post on MN? Are you careful logging out and deleting history?

[clam]

As someone else pointed out, he's got a lot to lose. You and daily access to his dd, first of all, but also possibly his job. Might be worth mentioning that to him.

[Apileofballyhoo]

I'm sorry OP. All that emailing is definitely something. Would you ask him straight out? How is your relationship in general?

[Aldwick]

Do you have a good friend you could confide in who could go to the hotel for you? I'm so sorry you're going through this - I sadly think your instincts are spot on.

[mrscraig]

Aldwicks suggestion is a good one.
How are you feeling this morning?

[joblot]

You don't email anyone that frequently UNLESS you want to impress and flirt or somethings very amiss. So either they are having an affair or they're about to- it's most unusual behaviour

[Eglute]

I felt sick myself after reading that they send 20 + emails even when he is at home.

Sorry to say that but if you think that it is normal you must be really blind. If they were not physical yet they will be soon. So you better talk to him about it but I am afraid it doesn?t look good..

I have been cheated on in the past and I know how horrible it is. That's why I never checked my ex's phone. I didn't want to find anything that could hurt me..

And finally I decided to stay single. I have been single for more than 2 years now and have never been happier in my life :) As long as you have single friends life is really great :)

[Oscalito]

Agree with others that it's a flirtation and possibly more. It's a gut instinct thing, having been there myself, you know when something is up.

Sending emails back and forth all day and teasing about new glasses etc is not work banter, it's flirting. Plus his deleting them shows he has something to hide.

I'm sorry. . I know how shit it feels.

He may just be caught up in a stupid flirtation he hasn't thought through properly. I agree with aldwick that it's worth reminding him of how much he has to lose. Try and stay calm and look after yourself and your DD. He's being a bit of an idiot but you don't know for sure he's having a physical affair with her.