Am I paranoid or could he be cheating?

[amijustparanoid]

DH and I went to his works summer party on Friday night and something that I witnessed with him and a female colleague has been bothering me ever since. When we got there he seemed to make a big effort to sit us on the same table as her - throughout the meal she seemed ok, they were friendly but not overly friendly but later on when I was away from the table I saw him get up and move seats to sit next to her (it was late and people had started to move around/leave so at that time it was only those two at the table) and as he sat down he squeezed her thigh. It was very quick but it definitely happened. Then as I was watching they sat and chatted and while chatting he was helping himself to her drink. She didn't seem to react to either and didn't look surprised at what he was doing.

When I asked him about it on the way home he denied it had happened and when I brought it up again yesterday and said I'd definitely seen him do it and I thought it was inappropariate, he made light of it and said he was drunk and would just have been being friendly. I said I wasn't comfortable with him being that 'friendly' with another woman - especially one that he spends all day at work with but now he says I'm being ridiculous.

What do you think? Would you do something like this if drunk even if there was nothing going on with the person? He says the drink thing is nothing but I wouldn't help myself to someone elses drink unless we were close and used to sharing.

My friend thinks he was being a drunken idiot and says that if there was something going on with her then he would have tried to keep us apart and not sit us with her but I can't shake how uneasy it's made me feel. Before that night I had no suspicions anything was wrong, I'd never even heard of her before but now I'm sitting here dreading tomorrow knowing that he'll be with her all day at work.

Am I being silly over a couple of minor things or would this bother you?

Yes, that's true what Matilda said re. Her texting. She's clearly an active participant too.

Would he get in trouble at work for this?

If, as DH states, OW put a stop to this a while back, why has she been texting/emailing him all weekend.
Full story not being told here. Your DH is holding stuff back......again.

The 'fumble' (aka sleeping in same bed/kissing/oral) was apparently a month ago. I have no idea what she thinks she's doing, he says she wouldn't go further/repeat the physical stuff but the flirting/emails/texts/phone calls never stopped and the other time they kissed was since then so it could have been building up to happening again (at the course?)

I don't know if he would be in trouble at work - don't think it would look good considering his position but I don't think there are any formal rules there against being a twat

He's here now - I don't know where he would go. No one apart from one of my friends knows and i'm not ready to tell other people at the moment.

When he told me that i believed him but i'm doubting it all now - is it really so unlikely that it would have just happened once do you think? Even if it did he as good as told me that he was actively trying to make it happen again.

You are covering for him, love

why ?

You have nothing to be ashamed of. This is his fuck-up.

I would be singing like a fucking canary. But I guess you would have to have decided it was The End for that.

Keeping his dirty secrets is all part of brushing it under the carpet. You are playing right into his hands, I am afraid.

AIJP - I am so sorry you are going through this. It's a very confusing time. It was my H who did a 'timeline' for me. I think he found it helpful too - I don't know what your H is like but mine is useless with dates and being confused about what happened when added to my feelings of being deceived. It also meant I could match up what was happening in our parallel home live too. Some of that was v hurtful to realise but at least I wasn't 'going mad' with doubting myself.

ISawOffTheOW has made a very helpful post on my thread and on here, together with others. I would ask H to leave - mine went to a b&b a few miles away for the first 2 weeks, his mum's for a few days at week 5 and he's currently at a local Travelodge as we are tearing strips off each other at home . I'm about to go away for a month with the kids too and I think both of us are desperate some real 'time out'. From my own experience getting some space is vital. Hopefully it will help you think more clearly and allow you to look after yourself. Take care.

trust your gut. the greatest truth will come to you with objectivity and space from him. When someone is with you you are encouraged to believe them because we have an honesty bias especially towards those we care about. But it does all sound kind of unlikely. Please please will you try and ask or just take email text and billing evidence. You cannot trust him at the moment.

I believe what he says about not wanting to be with ow and not wanting to lose you and dd over this.
It stinks of mid life crisis to me, and I think he was flattered by her becoming involved. I think she was flattered by the older man and possibly moving in circles beyond her level at work if that makes sense.
He needs to be worried he will lose you as his behaviour was totally unacceptable, but atm I would believe him about it not being an affair.
You are hurt and rightly so, he has to know how much his silly school boy fumblings have upset you.
It seems like your relationship is being tested here, Good luck OP.
Give him hell until he realises the pain he has caused.

How did he come to be sleeping in the same bed as her? Was this on another work trip?

I agree that you shouldn't feel you can't tell people. It is shitty that you have been wronged and feel you can't use your usu support networks because if his feelings and sensitivities.

What about you? You don't owe him.

I have to admit that over time I hid it less and less. Although to my shame I have not been too open about that with him, not that he asked. It isn't worth the stress, and he would not understand the female need to talk to best friends and family.

morethanpotatoprints - I do think that's what it is, if what he's saying is true it's a pathetic attention/flattery thing. What's an affair and what's not though? Maybe it isn't the right word but it was more than 'school boy fumblings'.

I'm going to ask him to go through it all again like you suggest with the timeline 3hotcross - there's been so much drip feeding over this weekend

Still not sure about telling more people - my friend who knows has been away this weekend so have only spoken to her briefly. Am going to see her tomorrow

Yes it was a work trip clam - them and lots of others which makes me wonder if it's known about where they work and makes me feel more of a fool having gone to that party.

Got work tomorrow and can't sleep

Don't let him deny its an affair. He's spent the last few months having a secret And physical relationship- he's told you you're being ridiculous yet has been pursuing her on a daily basis.

Unless he accepts this I can't see how you will get anywhere with him.

If this summer party hadn't happened he'd have gone on that work trip this week and you'd have waved him off oblivious to any situation. You and DD filling the time leading your lives and H and OW off on a paid jolly.

Had you not accidentally seen something amiss the email exchanges this weekend would have been off the scale.

I think in your shoes getting rl support is the healthy thing to do - choose carefully but talk to someone.

That sort of sexual activity 'everything but', I don't know about other people, aside from my own friends/acquaintances (thinking of oral) I'd find more intimate than actual intercourse, and something which would be a stage or so after sex.
But it's utter tosh that they haven't had sex. Even so, the mind boggles that he's saying it's not an affair! Wondering what the criteria would be to qualify exactly

He has Simply. No. Idea. what he's done, has he? I was going to say that it doesn't matter whether he calls it an affair or not, but actually, it does. If he seriously thinks that he can share a bed with another woman, fool around with her sexually (whatever that means), exchange numerous texts, yet regard it as just "getting too close to someone," then he is on another planet.

Not to mention lying to you and accusing you of obsessing and being paranoid.

Sorry you are going through this hurt but glad the truth is coming out at last. He's had sex with her so he's had an affair, only stopped by you probing - he says she meant nothing which is even more worrying, would he just jump into bed with any woman who offered it up to him, sounds like it. I don't know how you will get past this, maybe you will but just remember you deserve better than a guy who so easily drops his pants and the drink sharing and thigh squeezing is just the ultimate nastiest thing to do in front of you, what a lovely pair they make eh, are you sure he's not still lusting after her, I know he says not but I'd be inclinded to take whatever he says as the opposite.

Perfect storm, in one of my earlier post I offered my support and granted is was different from the majority? in fact everybody?s, however, for me in an earlier post I offered an immediate coping strategy ? others thought it was a 1950?s outlook and you choose to call it game playing.
Hilary Clinton and Victoria Beckham are examples of smart women with coping strategies? examples of women that we have all heard of, and, not what Betty down the street did when she found out her husband had cheated.
Victoria is a rich women in her own right as is Hilary Clinton, I am sure, that if now - should they both wish to end their marriages they could ? but on their terms!.
When you get blindsided, hold off and develop a coping strategy. Both women are now in an even stronger position. Victoria now has her own fashion line and Hilary has had a significant career boost .. and yes Victoria does look miserable on camera, however, in her private life ? she?s a Five Star General with a wicked sense of humour to boot. She has an incredible business head, everybody gives her the credit for the Spice Girls getting as far as they did, allegedly she engineered for a previous manager to get sacked ? so I?ve read. They are just example of smart women ? don?t take me literally I know it?s not the norm, on a more realistic level as I suggested in a previous post - get that degree as one example, become that hairdresser, set your shop up ? is that game playing ? or survival for yourself and children?
I felt everybody else has given enough of their moral and emotional support but there is only so much somebody needs to hear of other people relating to their own experiences and examples of others ? although very supportive ?. didn?t help with the NOW of her situation. You are asking me to give her support. I was giving her very realistic support, just not in the vein of this thread. Choose another thread to post in? ? getting chucked out of the ?playground? - am I getting passively bullied? I say let everybody put their own personal views on the situation out there without the risk of being shot down.
I was very much focussed on OP situation and her needs ?. my message was .. go and get your husband back?. at least for the time being.
Perfect Storm - you referred to my own fantasies? Given the opportunity the majority of men are serial adulterers. Sex is as necessary to men as food and water is to us. Men don?t have sex with other women because they don?t love or want to be with their wives ? they are genetically programmed to have sex ? who was porn invented for, why do we have Babe Station on our telly, why do we have brothels ? The internet ? Illicit encounters ? the U.K. largest dating site for married men?.... and although ? of course I wouldn?t dream to underestimate the devastation a woman feels when her husband is unfaithful ? should we be really surprised when it happens to us or it is a fantasy to think it won?t happen to us?. Any man can be seduced and it?s not because of any failings on a wife part.

OP ?.. I will stick my neck out again?. If you want to lose your husband ask him for all the minute details?..as some have advised - for sure it will drive him away.. is that what you really want? When a wife is giving a husband/tat/cnt a ? hard time? at home and the mistress/lover/slut is all ? love, sweet and happiness?.because she wants your life-style ? she?ll get it?all your emotional, physical, financial investment in your marriage ?. could be at her discretion.

Are you for real, Deb?

debi - totally disagree with your whole perspective, you talk about men and sex like they have no control over their sexual urges at all, what a load of bollocks, they have a brain as well as a cock - if a man truly loves their partner then they have no interest in having sex with anyone else. Are you sure you are not a man lol?

he risked his family for "nothing" ?

he really is a woman-hating piece of shit, isn't he ?

if my H ever strayed, I would prefer it if he gave the other women at least some respect

yuk

debi would like to pit women against each other in sexual competition to win the booby prize of a faithless man

not my idea of a healthy relationship, but it works in some circles, I believe

The reason you can't get it all straight in your head is because you know on some level it doesn't make sense. Because he's leaving stuff out or outright lying. It doesn't matter whether he calls it an affair or not (it is). That just shows how deluded and far from wanting this out in the open he is. He just wants it swept under the carpet. He cannot seriously expect to go away with her. Yes it may be known about where they work, not at all unlikely, and that is his humiliation not yours.

Oh lord OP I wonder if all these posts are making you more confused that you already are, and then posters disagreeing with each other doesn't help I'm sure. There will always be the "LeaveTheBastard" people on this kind of thread and how anyone can say that just by a few lines of text on a screen I don't know.

I see you said you were going to ask him for a timeline which is a good idea, but I don't see much point in all this "was it an affair/friends who got too close" or whatever. The important thing is that he has been sexually intimate with another woman and whatever it is called is really a mater of semantics, and this will have left you with a myriad of emotions. The emotion I displayed most when it happened to me was anger and more anger but the anger was really covering up the huge hurt and sense of betrayal that he had caused. It was incredibly hurtful to know they had been "here or there" together and then fitting in what I was doing at the time. I think looking back I would have preferred not to have had all the details.

I agree with 3hotcrossbuns it would be better to be apart while the situation is so raw, and he could stay in a Travel Lodge couldn't he, or with a friend, but then I guess you would be wondering if he was still seeing the OW. I know that's what I'd think. In my view in general the male ego is a fragile thing and is susceptible to flattery, and yes yes of course that's true for women too, before anyone points that out to me!

I think the thread must be helping OP as you are continuing to post. It would be better though if you could talk to someone in RL and you mention one friend, and maybe you can confide in her.