Am I paranoid or could he be cheating?

[amijustparanoid]

DH and I went to his works summer party on Friday night and something that I witnessed with him and a female colleague has been bothering me ever since. When we got there he seemed to make a big effort to sit us on the same table as her - throughout the meal she seemed ok, they were friendly but not overly friendly but later on when I was away from the table I saw him get up and move seats to sit next to her (it was late and people had started to move around/leave so at that time it was only those two at the table) and as he sat down he squeezed her thigh. It was very quick but it definitely happened. Then as I was watching they sat and chatted and while chatting he was helping himself to her drink. She didn't seem to react to either and didn't look surprised at what he was doing.

When I asked him about it on the way home he denied it had happened and when I brought it up again yesterday and said I'd definitely seen him do it and I thought it was inappropariate, he made light of it and said he was drunk and would just have been being friendly. I said I wasn't comfortable with him being that 'friendly' with another woman - especially one that he spends all day at work with but now he says I'm being ridiculous.

What do you think? Would you do something like this if drunk even if there was nothing going on with the person? He says the drink thing is nothing but I wouldn't help myself to someone elses drink unless we were close and used to sharing.

My friend thinks he was being a drunken idiot and says that if there was something going on with her then he would have tried to keep us apart and not sit us with her but I can't shake how uneasy it's made me feel. Before that night I had no suspicions anything was wrong, I'd never even heard of her before but now I'm sitting here dreading tomorrow knowing that he'll be with her all day at work.

Am I being silly over a couple of minor things or would this bother you?

He denied it on the night when he was drunk. When I said about it the next day he made out he couldn't remember but then said he was just being friendly and it didn't mean anything

I have asked him not to text or email her in the evening but he works with her - there is no way that he can stop contacting her completely and no way for me to really know what's going on during the day

This is at least an emotional affair if it has not YET become a physical one--sorry OP

I'm sorry, OP. He didn't react in a very reassuring way when you talked to him. Did he agree to no contact outside of work hours? Hope you're ok.

Why does he have to contact her in the evenings about work?

I'm sorry but I too think he's lying. Of course men and women can be friends at work or outside, but thigh-squeezing and glass-sharing is crossing a boundary. As someone else said, it's so casual it's eye-poppingly intimate. Which is why it leapt out at you from across the room.
I don't know what you should do. Maybe the chat you've had is enough to make him stop and think, so that if it's just at the very early flirty stage he can put an end to it. But that would only happen if he wants it to, and values you and your marriage above her. Let's hope he still does.
Or, if he's telling the truth and they are just mates, then it shouldn't be any hardship for him to keep his distance to avoid upsetting you. This happened to us once, years ago - I got irrationally paranoid about some random woman dh knew, and chucked my toys out of the pram. There really was nothing going on but because I'm not usually the jealous type, dh was horrified to see me so upset and dropped her straightaway. As he said, he barely knew her although she was good fun but the odd drink after work with her (and others, as it turned out, was certainly not worth it as I came first. I really hope your dh can do the same thing.

He doesn't have to contact her - the evening ones were not about work

He says he won't anymore

Yes he will... he will just be more clever so you won't catch him. Please do not let your guard down.
The with level of contact that he has had recently outwith work is huge and will be a very hard habit to break.
Has he made any comment about working with her ? will he continue to go for lunch etc with her, will he continue to squeeze her thigh when they meet up outside work.
Be wary OP very very wary of the promise.

OP I think that Mumsnet can be VERY poisonous about this kind of stuff sometimes. Seriously - you've had people say 'I'm sure they're shagging even if you're not yet' and telling you to leave him or make him leave. Really - based on barely any knowledge of the people involved and zero evidence that they're having an affair. Be very careful about reading too much into these replies.

He did a couple of inappropriate things whilst drunk, yes - I've seen tons of men be a bit too 'in your personal space' when drunk and that could easily include the squeeze and the drinking from someone else's glass. Not acceptable but not an affair.

And the e-mail swapping - they like each other. Is that really a crime? Ask yourself again if ANYTHING in this would make you feel uncomfortable if this was a male colleague - it wouldn't, would it? Your problem with her rests solely in the fact that he likes her and that she has a vagina. You've even admitted to going for lunch with male colleagues. How is this different?

Why is it a problem for him to contact a friend from work after work? They're not saying inappropriately flirty or intimate things, they're just chatting. Plenty of blokes would text or e-mail colleagues after work about non work-related things. Your jealous behaviour is the most damaging thing going on here.

I just read this thread.

I sometimes e-mail in the evenings with work colleagues (95% of which are male), just for banter. I would (and do) go out to lunch with my closest work colleague, who is a happily married man with two kids. I am happily married with children. I would drink from his drink (tho would probs tell / ask him first!). He prob wouldn't squeeze my thigh - I can't imagine him doing that. There has never been anything sexual between us, and I have know him for years.

I guess I am just saying some of this stuff sounds a bit circumstantial and/ or normal to me. The thigh squeezing does seem a bit out of place from what you have said. And also he hasn't known her that long so I can see why you would query the basis for such familiarity.

But he could be telling the truth!

That's you, though, Silver - that doesn't mean that if a man gets drunk and a bit over friendly or that if work colleagues enjoy a bit of e-mail banter during the day/eve that they are definitely shagging and that she should leave her partner!

Mittens- try a bit of reading between lines. Why post if your gut hasn't lurched? And if it lurches, usually that's because you SENSE something is amiss. But yes indeed it's a much happier outcome if shes wrong/has diarrhea.

Human relationships aren't black and white, and when you've been on the end of lying and cheating you realize that the gut is your friend, despite what your dp says

mittens

"He did a couple of inappropriate things whilst drunk, yes - I've seen tons of men be a bit too 'in your personal space' when drunk and that could easily include the squeeze and the drinking from someone else's glass. Not acceptable but not an affair."

riiiiiiiiiight mittens, so you've seen TONS of MEN be a bit too much blah blah blah whilst drunk. fair enough. that could EASILY include the squeeze and the drinking from someone else's glass yadda yadda.

bet the OP's husband wouldn't be quite so keen if he'd witnessed a male colleague squeeze his wife's thigh and blithely drink from her glass.

I'd be mortified if one of my long-standing male colleagues (that I treat as a really good friend now, we text, email regularly etc) touched my thigh or drank from my glass.

Sorry you are in this situation, it's shit. Have you thought about the possibility that actually there is no interest from her side at all, could just be that being friendly with a more senior colleague might be good for her career. Also, she may feel that if she said something to hom about 'friendly squeezes' etc it may be bad for her career. Might actually be nothing going on at all, doesnt make his behaviour acceptable though

It's incredible, Kittens, that you can say: "OP I think that Mumsnet can be VERY poisonous about this kind of stuff sometimes." and then give your interpretation of events: "Your jealous behaviour is the most damaging thing going on here."

I can't think of anything more poisonous than to dismiss someone's very realistic concerns as paranoia.

Op, when you confronted him, he was 'worried, fidgety, shifty'. Doesn't sound like an innocent friendship. You know you husband and you know something is up. In fact, you said you know it was obvious he was lying.

I don't think he will tell you the truth - I suppose the alternatives at this stage are taking action without any hard evidence - although your intuition is very powerful - keep digging or to do nothing. Good luck OP.

@Thisisaeuphemism: I was going to exactly the same thing Euphemism re Kittens' comment. The OP's concerns are absolutely valid, to suggest she's merely jealous is disgraceful.

Clearly, there's no hard evidence of cheating and I really hope he isn't. But this is a situation that he needs thoroughly to step away from to reassure the OP.

The OP is paranoid and jealous??? Thigh sqeezing, sharing a drink, 20 texts a day even though they work together starting at 8am into the evening - yeah sounds really normal and innocent.

If they've not slept together yet, it is only a matter if time, I'm afraid.
He acted shifty and looked worried when you asked to see his phone. If he has nothing to hide why act that way?
We all email our work colleagues if we are friends, but every evening and only to her? No way is that just innocent shit.
You should have made it clear to him that if he did not stop twatting around with her like some teenager with a stupid crush, then he would find you and DC gone as you refuse to be treated like something that fell off a Christmas tree.
You have let him know that you are suspicious about him and her, but you should have gone in harder. All that will happen now is that he will try to be more careful and will email in private and delete quick.

Good move, OP, hopefully it will die a death now.

Yes I was going to comment on the absurd remark by kittens that it was the OP's jealousy that was the problem, but see other have already done so.

I think AIBP that the most telling thing is that he was looking "shifty" "worried" and I think you said uncomfortable when you were looking at the phone and about the lunch. I think we can tell such a lot about what people are saying by their body language. OK there are some generalisations, but the eyes tell you a lot, and people who are lying often have lids closed for just a bit longer than normal, or look in the opposite direction. Arms outstretched and open palms usually indicates truthfulness. Sorry I know this isn't much help, but you already know for yourself that he was lying about the lunch and I think it's important that you saw that for yourself, because no matter what we all say, we only know about these details from a few lines of your text.

I think the people urging you to leave him etc will always be around and of course that is a complete over reaction. However I do think AI that you are to some extent in denial and are pushing away the thoughts that there is something not right here, and that's a common defence mechanism when we are trying to protect ourselves from hurt.

Lets hope that the talk you had last night will bring him to his senses, but there is no knowing about that. I so hope it does.

I have to attend functions with colleagues through work and I work with plenty of men who I am good friends with. I, however, would have a shit fit if they tried to drink from my glass or squeezed my thigh. Totally intimate behaviour and I reserve this intimacy for my DP.

Despite what Mittens thinks, if your senses are screaming that something is wrong then you are not a paranoid jealous wife but somebody who has noticed something inappopriate between her husband and another woman.
Your instincts are there for a reason and your husbands behaviour has set alarm bells off.

And the difference for the OP going for a lunch with a male colleague is that she told her husband. My DP knew I went for lunch with my male colleague, i told him the day before and he was fine with it.

I dont know if he is sleeping with her or they are having an EA, but if your gut is telling you something is wrong then listen to it.

And you are calmer than me, if my DP did that to another woman in my sight i would have been over there in a flash and demanded to know what the hell was going on.

Allowing for the right of all OPs to have editorial control over relating what happens etc etc and from a standpoint of taking what any OP discloses in good faith, it seems her H didn't call her paranoid or jealous when she broached the subject.

Initially he "made light of it," then he "acted like he couldn't remember it," then he "got a bit annoyed" when she asked more questions about it.

You see, how much more reassuring would it have been for the OP if, when she'd pointed out what she'd seen, even if he couldn't remember it happening (which is a load of shite by the way), he'd have said something along the lines of, "You're right, that probably was inappropriate, I'm sorry you were upset, it won't happen again."

I feel there is too much focus on him and not her on that particular night, was she drunk - is it appropriate behaviour for another woman to allow a man to drink from her glass in front of the wife?.
Sitting next to her - could be a smoke screen.
You need to look at other behaviours on a daily basis. Kissing and affection becomes less. They become more involved in their appearance - little changes like shopping for new underpants. The other woman usually doesn't make contact at weekend it's understood as family time. He'll keep his mobile close at hand and with a PIN lock. They start doing and saying things that seem a bit odd, they can't give straight answers or give a confusing answer. When you question them they answer slowly - they have to think about what they are saying, their hand usually goes to the back of the neck and they look up to the right. They answer with questions - so you thought I drank from her glass? - playing for time need to think how to reply.
If you should see any odd behaviour, try don't confront him but silently observe, if he feels you are on to him he will be more careful with his actions making it harder for you. The less you say the more likely he will make slips. Hire a private detective during certain times such as when he is working away, times when it's highly likely he has the opportunity - not during work hours. Does the front passengers get adjusted and you have to readjust it.
Above all else be extra nice to him, by confronting him and being angry will drive him to the other woman if in fact there is another woman. Give yourself some thinking time and a plan. If in fact he is having an affair - and this becomes the really really hard bit. Very calmly confront with the evidence and ask him to leave...... wait...... if he's yours he'll come back if he's not then this exercise will have saved you months of heartache. When he comes back .. forgive... and seek marriage counselling. It's easier to work on the life and the husband you have than to start a new life and a decent new man .....
Men can separate love and sex. This is all intended to help ... I've been there.