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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I paranoid or could he be cheating?

289 replies

amijustparanoid · 21/07/2013 18:57

DH and I went to his works summer party on Friday night and something that I witnessed with him and a female colleague has been bothering me ever since. When we got there he seemed to make a big effort to sit us on the same table as her - throughout the meal she seemed ok, they were friendly but not overly friendly but later on when I was away from the table I saw him get up and move seats to sit next to her (it was late and people had started to move around/leave so at that time it was only those two at the table) and as he sat down he squeezed her thigh. It was very quick but it definitely happened. Then as I was watching they sat and chatted and while chatting he was helping himself to her drink. She didn't seem to react to either and didn't look surprised at what he was doing.

When I asked him about it on the way home he denied it had happened and when I brought it up again yesterday and said I'd definitely seen him do it and I thought it was inappropariate, he made light of it and said he was drunk and would just have been being friendly. I said I wasn't comfortable with him being that 'friendly' with another woman - especially one that he spends all day at work with but now he says I'm being ridiculous.

What do you think? Would you do something like this if drunk even if there was nothing going on with the person? He says the drink thing is nothing but I wouldn't help myself to someone elses drink unless we were close and used to sharing.

My friend thinks he was being a drunken idiot and says that if there was something going on with her then he would have tried to keep us apart and not sit us with her but I can't shake how uneasy it's made me feel. Before that night I had no suspicions anything was wrong, I'd never even heard of her before but now I'm sitting here dreading tomorrow knowing that he'll be with her all day at work.

Am I being silly over a couple of minor things or would this bother you?

OP posts:
Inertia · 21/07/2013 23:47

I can understand why you are upset . The drink sharing and thigh squeezing seem overly intimate to me, but more worrying is the fact that he tried to lie about it.

NanaNina · 22/07/2013 00:20

Thank goodness there is at least one other person Selba who agrees with me. I think if people are having an affair they will stay apart from each other at functions so as not to make anyone suspicious. Everyone is asking stuff about his denial etc. and saying he lied about it, but he didn't - he said he was drunk and couldn't remember which is probably the truth and is now fed up of all the questions.

I am worried about why so many MNs are saying this would concern them. Have you never been drunk and been "over familiar" with someone and yes even picked up their drink, or anyone else's for that matter!!

ItsAFuckingVase · 22/07/2013 02:20

I'm the only woman in my department at work, and have this sort of relationship with my colleagues. We all work closely together for over 40hrs a week and are totally comfortably in one another's company. It honestly wouldn't occur to me to be shocked or otherwise if one of them touched my thigh, I'm quite a touchy feely person anyway. And we've been know to share / swap drinks when we're all out.

On the other hand, a colleague is having an affair with a woman from a different department, and always sits far away from her at networking events, parties etc

EBearhug · 22/07/2013 02:31

I'm the only woman in a department of men and the only way one of them would get away with squeezing my thigh is if I wanted to sleep with them - and in a situation with other colleagues around, probably not even then. (All bets are off when I drink, which is why I'm teetotal these days.) An arm round the shoulder could be matey, but a squeezed thigh is rather more intimate to my mind. But maybe I have different views on what is acceptable.

Longdistance · 22/07/2013 02:56

He's got some brass neck sitting you with the ow. Who is he? Hugh Heffner?

I'd be kicking off a lot more. Sharing her drink, I'd be going mad. That's really intimate. I wouldn't even share a drink with my dh, but that's cos he can bloody well get his own.

joblot · 22/07/2013 06:23

People who are having affairs can let their guard down, all people are different. I experienced colleagues who denied to the hilt but who I witnessed on nights out behaving inappropriately when they thought noone waswwatching and they were drunk.

To the naysayers- this isn't Disney. If there's no affair then there's ultimately no problem and op and h will sort it. Questioning odd behaviour isn't a hanging offence, it's responsible and necessary

ChristineDaae · 22/07/2013 07:00

The more I think about it the more I think actually there has been 2 colleagues I would act like this with. One became my housemate and was genuinely like a big brother to me. We have shared a bed after a night out (before we shared our house) we shared drinks/food, and if he squeezed my thigh I honestly wouldn't have blinked. But there was never ever anything going on! Another is a man I work with now. We often touch etc when talking.
Both are totally innocent, am actually friends with ones wife and both have become friends with my DP over the years.
I would think hard before you decide to go digging. Do you really have enough of a reason to snoop? If you snoop, and he's innocent and finds out, there's going to be a lot of trust issues flying round your house.

DfanjoUnchained · 22/07/2013 07:30

So why did the ops H wait until she was away from table to approach her and squeeze her thigh and share her drink?

My H and I have many friends who are women and he will approach them for a chat and hug infront of me.

ChristineDaae · 22/07/2013 07:41

I got the feeling from the OP that he moved over when there was space me t to the woman as people had started leaving and she was left sitting alone? Plus it would be pretty rude to leave his wife at one side of the table and move away to talk to someone else at the table.
I'm not saying there 100% isn't something going on, I just don't think it's enough to go on and assume there is something going on. It could very well be innocent.

DfanjoUnchained · 22/07/2013 08:12

Did he talk to her at all while you were at the table op?

Mixxy · 22/07/2013 08:39

I think the point is christine that the OP never heard of
of this woman before. Surely if you were on a thigh-squeezing, drinks- sharing basis with a co-worker, her name would have come up?

MadAboutHotChoc · 22/07/2013 08:48

Has he changed at all at home - become critical, grumpy, picking petty arguments?

MadAboutHotChoc · 22/07/2013 09:10

When my DH had his affair, he made a rather intimate gesture when he thought no one was watching him closely and he already had quite a bit to drink - I didn't think much of it at the time as they were very good friends.....

EBearhug · 22/07/2013 09:30

I suppose it also depends what he's normally liked when he's very drunk. Some people do get a lot more touchy feely, and if that's how it normally is when he's that drunk. She might have not reacted because she felt it was the easier way than making a fuss.

RoooneyMara · 22/07/2013 09:36

Sorry, from what you posted this sounds very much like it has been going on for a while.

Not so much the thigh but the putting her in plain sight, and the sharing of her drink.

At best it's desperate flirting and at worst it's already a physical affair.

Sorry xxx

NanaNina · 22/07/2013 11:54

OMG sorry but this "sharing the drink" thing is getting really ridiculous. He picked her glass up for god's sake, he didn't take a sip and slip it into her mouth while they were kissing! No Joblot I know questioning odd behaviour is not a hanging offence and I don't think I or anyone else has inferred that it is!

I think OP that you need to set it all out again, maybe in bullet points because there are still Qs coming about when exactly did he move to sit by this woman, was she sitting alone and how did she react to the thigh squeeze, why did your DH try to lie to you (even though you have already explained that, and why has he not mentioned this girl before and god knows how many more Qs!!

MissStrawberry · 22/07/2013 12:06

I disagree with your friend.

I have read too many time about things being in plain sight so that the cheater can plead innocent.

I would make it very clear that he is not to treat you like an idiot, you know what you saw and if there is anything going on he needs to show you the respect you deserve and admit it now. Make it clear that if you do find out and he has lied to you then there will be consequences.

I would try and see his phone again and not worry at all about messing up his work emails. If he won't allow you to see his phone then that would be a warning sign for me.

I am really angry for you and think he is a completely prick.

clam · 22/07/2013 12:55

I went on a course recently, that dh was running. None of the other participants knew we were married and I didn't feel the need to tell them. At one point, dh was circling the room during a discussion and lingered at our table. As we were all talking, he leant forward and picked up my water bottle and took a swig. This is, of course, entirely natural for us, but there were a fair few Shock faces around the table, prompting me to explain our relationship. It was quite funny actually.

The point is that I think that one, unconscious act on his part, plus the thigh squeeze, is a massive klaxon warning sign. There is no one on this planet whose glass I would take a sip from apart from dh's or my dcc's. Not my parents/siblings/close friends. I'm not talking about someone offering me a taste of something, although even then I would have to know them very well.

Listen to your instincts here. Your h's irritation is telling too. He's probably kicking himself that he slipped up.

malphale · 22/07/2013 13:22

Once you start heading down the route of checking his phone, it won't end up good for your relationship, even if you don't find anything. Anytime anything happens you will want to check it, and at some point you will get caught.

Thisisaeuphemism · 22/07/2013 13:38

I agree with miss strawberry - something is up...

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 22/07/2013 15:25

Okay let's say it was all innocent. Out of all the people there it just happened to be this colleague's table he brought OP to and sat at, this woman rather than any other workmate he moved closer to, her thigh he squeezed and her glass he drank from?

She didn't react surprised or burst out laughing in a "Cheeky devil, hands off" way.

He didn't indulge in 'harmless horseplay' when everyone was in full sight.

clam · 22/07/2013 19:30

And he (and others) can swear til they're blue in the face that it was nothing/just being friendly/whatever, but your gut is telling you otherwise. And I'd listen to it.
I can be flirty/friendly, but I can't imagine doing this.

Original poster
amijustparanoid · 22/07/2013 23:45

Thanks for the replies everyone. I really hope I am being silly and I know those two little things are quite minor really it's just they've really got to me. I'm not used to seeing him behave like that with anyone else as he's not generally touchy feely and he wasn't stupidly drunk, I'm pretty sure he knew what he was doing.

To answer some questions - during the meal they were talking but as part of the conversations going on with the whole group, they were large circular tables and she was sat across from us so it wasn't really possible for them to speak without the whole table hearing. When he moved to sit next to her it was because they were the only two left at the table and that bit didn't seem odd to me.

I haven't noticed that he's changed very much - been a little grumpier and more stressed but I put that down to being busy at work. I think I may remember him mentioning her before now I've been thinking about it but only in passing and he never made out that she was at all significant to him.

Haven't had chance to look at his phone yet

OP posts:
Mixxy · 23/07/2013 08:34

Keep us posted. I'd be very interested about this situation.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 23/07/2013 08:44

I'd put money on not being alone in this : I'd rather for your sake it was all a storm in a teacup and nothing like a red flag.

One of the biggest pitfalls in any relationship is complacency. So if once or twice we catch ourselves wondering, "Whoa what just happened?" it doesn't mean we're jeopardising what we think we have by questioning something.