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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

cheated on DH - but don't know WHY!

148 replies

oracleselfservice · 21/07/2013 07:11

One night at the weekend I went out with a friend for dinner. His wife is on holiday and my husband is away on business. He said he messaged my H but then realised he was away but did I fancy grabbing a bite and a drink anyway. To be honest my git reaction was "hmmmmm... Bit unsure about this". But when I mentioned to a friend I thought there might be subtext she said not to be silly. So I went.

We had a nice dinner. Talked a lot about our families and work (we work in similar fields and work on projects together) and I have been angling for a job with his firm for ages.

We drank WAY too much (he is renowned for his boozing) and the discussion became quite personal and he told me about some childhood issues, and that basically he was feeling like he was in mid life crisis zone (he is 10 years older than me).

I counselled him not to do anything he would regret and that he shoudnt risk a 25 year marriage just because he was going through some emotional upheaval. When he dropped me home though he went to kiss me and, for some insane reason I responded. I stopped it before it went too far but not before some clothes got removed.

I feel utterly distraught. I am incredibly happy in my marriage and with DH. I love him to bits and the last few months have been brilliant. He travels away a lot and I miss him hugely when he is not here but it would never ever have crossed my mind I could do this. I don't even find said friend attractive, although I like him very much as a friend and have known him years. This is the most awful thing I have ever done. The next day I could hardly bear to look at my children and every time I thought about what happened I felt sick.

My H is very jealous - he would end our marriage immediately if he even knew I kissed another man and has been clear about that all along. Why did I do it? What on earth posessed me? And how can I live with the guilt. I am so disgusted with myself I feel like crying all the time. I hate myself for what I've done. I've sullied my marriage. I've never lied to my husband before.

DH cheated on me with an ex in the early months and I found out. I could not understand how when asked "why?" He could only say "I just don't know". But now I'm in exactly the same boat. My DH told me a lot of lies at the start of our marriage and it took so much work to get them all into the open and now I've put lies back into our relationship. How could I do it.

It feels like a terrible dream but I can't wake up. What do I do. I know I don't deserve sympathy but I can't talk to anyone IRL and I'm so desperate.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/07/2013 07:16

You did it because you'd had a few drinks and you acted on impulse... nothing more than that. You live it by being more mature and keeping your head. Minimise it to what it actually was - a drunken fumble - and move quickly along rather than building it up to be some big deal and beating yourself up. Obviously you stay away from this 'friend' because he was clearly on the make. If he tries to spill the beans, you deny everything completely.

Original poster
oracleselfservice · 21/07/2013 07:32

Thanks for the quick response Cogito.

I suppose it might make me a bit more humble and less sanctimonious. I've always been quite judgy about other people doing this and in my marriage I've always been the "good" one while my husband was the one who did things wrong (in the early days). Now the shoe is on the other foot :(

Perhaps I will be less on my high horse the next time he rolls in pissed after a night out with the boys.

I just hate the lies and deciet involved in keeping quiet.

I also hate that DH was right when he said he thought said friend might fancy me. I totally blew off the idea and said he was nuts. I'm still carrying a lot of baby weight, am not the glamourous type and have been married for years. I'm totally not the kind of woman other men try to make passes at.

Maybe I was flattered too. How pathetic. :(

OP posts:
TDada · 21/07/2013 07:38

Sorry to hear. Was it last night?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/07/2013 07:41

Flattery will do it as well. Yes, maybe it'll make you a little less judgemental of other people now that you've walked a mile in their shoes, as it were. But, just because you made a mistake and lowered your standards briefly, it doesn't mean you have to tolerate poor standards of behaviour from your DH.... that would be quite the wrong lesson to learn from this. Two wrongs don't make a right.

Incidentally, you should tell your DH that you had dinner with this lecherous friend but change the ending of the story, of course. If you want to explain why you're giving the lecherous friend a wide berth, you could say he was getting too friendly and made you feel uncomfortable... 'you were right DH, I think he does fancy me'. Be 99% open and the missing 1% can go in a box at the very back of your memory marked 'do not open for 30 years'.

GherkinsAreAce · 21/07/2013 07:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mama1980 · 21/07/2013 07:44

Totally agree with cogito here.

Twattergy · 21/07/2013 07:45

Alcohol is a powerful drug. Flattery is also powerful. Its made you realise how much you value your husband and relationship. See it as a wake up call to ensure you keep this happy relationship.

JustinBsMum · 21/07/2013 07:46

Well, be flattered, you both had an interesting, interesting in that it got to talking about childhood issues, evening and a fun snog. You are out of practice with the dating game and got caught out!

Just be happy you are still fancied by others and move on, it doesn't sound like it will ever happen again. No need for guilt imo.

Original poster
oracleselfservice · 21/07/2013 07:50

Night before. I thought I'd feel less distressed today but I don't. Yesterday (awful hangover) I just wanted to die.

I do a school related social activity with this mans wife. She is a friend. How can I ever look her in the face. There is no way I can continue to see her weekly and smile and gossip as usual. Come September I shall have to find a reason why I can't go.

It will be a punishment in itself because its something I have enjoyed hugely and one of the few things I've done just for me since I had the children.

I feel like there is something evil in me. How could I do that with a FRIENDS husband. Risk my kids happiness. Risk losing my DH who I love to distraction. Ugh.

I know I have to move on from this and try to "minimise" or reframe it so I can deal with it but that in itself feels like a terrible thing to do. What kind of person does this then pretends it kind of OK because we didn't actually have sex. Or we were pissed. Or any excuse really. There are no excuses. Thank god my husband is going to be away for a while and I can try to come to terms with what I've done.

OP posts:
Dilidali · 21/07/2013 07:52

The main thing is that you stopped before it got too far. Take the positive out of this whole mess, you still want to be with your husband. It's a painful lesson.
I would admit I went to dinner and that he tried it on but that's where it stopped.
I'm so sorry :(.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/07/2013 07:54

Not 'evil'.. 'stupid'.... and you're not risking losing anyone provided you keep your trap shut. You're not pretending it's OK, you're rationalising what actually happened and keeping a sense of proportion.

What's the realistic alternative here? Bare your soul and take the punishment? Now that really would be stupid.....

Original poster
oracleselfservice · 21/07/2013 07:57

Posting here has made me feel better.

It wasn't just a snog. If that's all it was I could get over it. It went further than that. But not to the point of having sex. I think somewhere in my mind I didn't want to "offend" him by saying no and wanted to make him happy - I am a massive people pleaser which gets me into trouble all the time because I take on too much and put up with things I shouldn't because I want to "help" or "fix" someones issues.

I called my best friend just now and told her. She is completely trustworthy. She said the same as you. She knows all the parties involved and just said "never ever tell anyone. Your punishment is to live with this".

I'm terrified the neighbours might have seen me kissing a strange man in my garden at 3am (we live in a terrace). Please god no one saw or if they did they don't tell my husband.

OP posts:
TDada · 21/07/2013 08:00

I sympathise and hope that your valued marriage doesn't break. You don't sound like a bad person. Let it make you an even better person.

Slainte · 21/07/2013 08:01

If you both drank way too much, did this happen in a taxi on the way home?

I would do as others have said, and tell your husband that you went out for dinner and that he dropped you home in a taxi. I wouldn't say anything further.

I also wouldn't tell your best friend or anyone else. If it ever comes up just deny it. You are committed to your relationship so shouldn't let a drunken fumble ruin it.

Slainte · 21/07/2013 08:02

Sorry x-post.

TDada · 21/07/2013 08:05

If you are not planning on telling DW, can ask whether this is a name change or a new log in.

TDada · 21/07/2013 08:05

DH

TDada · 21/07/2013 08:10

If you are trying to protect your relationship/husband's feelings, then best to deal with by omission of detail than by lying. So you went out to dinner with him......you DH will ask a bit more.....talk more about him having (childhood) issues etc. if asked whether he was a bit fresh with you might be best to say yes.

TDada · 21/07/2013 08:11

Do you feel as though you get enough attention, compliments from DH?

TDada · 21/07/2013 08:15

Use the power of positive thinking at every point where you face doubt or worry. Be positive and you will create a virtuous circle.......

TDada · 21/07/2013 08:18

Last thing...your DH may ask, if he is jealous why did you go out to dinner with him. You can stick the the truth, which is that you were unsure but then encouraged by friend who told you not to be silly.

LEMisdisappointed · 21/07/2013 08:19

I totally 100% agree with what people here, keep shtum, and move on. Although don't be surprised if he tries it on again, it would be niave to think that his original approach was innocent, he clearly wanted in your pants.

As an aside, if a poster posted this about her DH doing the same, the overwhelming response would be LTB, it doesn't surprise me anymore.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/07/2013 08:23

If a poster knew her DH had done the same thing then he couldn't keep schtum, by definition Hmm . The cat would be out of the bag. The OP is being advised to keep the cat well and truly in the bag.

LEMisdisappointed · 21/07/2013 08:27

That is NOT what i meant, as well you know Hmm

So infidelity is OK so long as you don't get caught? (not that i think that the OP has been unfaithful, just niave)

Original poster
oracleselfservice · 21/07/2013 08:29

DH doesn't know I'm on MN.

He knows I was going out for dinner with friend as I told him I was. No reason not to at that point. I will tell him everything except the last 15 minutes of the evening.

I have certainly learned a lesson.

Even fat, overworked, exhausted mums can be hit on.

Yes I get tons of compliments from DH he is loving affectionate and we have a good sex life. Couldn't ask for anything more. But I have been feeling frumpy and pretty unattractive for a long time - since having DC2.

I work FT and also have to deal with the children and DH can be away a lot so I don't have much time to work on myself. Been trying to shift the 2 stone I put on with DC2 for nearly 2 years and not getting very far.

Life can be very stressful sometimes. Work is v v difficult. I get lonely.

Maybe my "perfect" life isn't actually as perfect as I thought. Perhaps I need to think things through and make some changes. I don't know. Its all just a miserable fog today. I just want to cuddle my babies and bury my head in the sand. Ugh.

OP posts: