cheated on DH - but don't know WHY!

[oracleselfservice]

One night at the weekend I went out with a friend for dinner. His wife is on holiday and my husband is away on business. He said he messaged my H but then realised he was away but did I fancy grabbing a bite and a drink anyway. To be honest my git reaction was "hmmmmm... Bit unsure about this". But when I mentioned to a friend I thought there might be subtext she said not to be silly. So I went.

We had a nice dinner. Talked a lot about our families and work (we work in similar fields and work on projects together) and I have been angling for a job with his firm for ages.

We drank WAY too much (he is renowned for his boozing) and the discussion became quite personal and he told me about some childhood issues, and that basically he was feeling like he was in mid life crisis zone (he is 10 years older than me).

I counselled him not to do anything he would regret and that he shoudnt risk a 25 year marriage just because he was going through some emotional upheaval. When he dropped me home though he went to kiss me and, for some insane reason I responded. I stopped it before it went too far but not before some clothes got removed.

I feel utterly distraught. I am incredibly happy in my marriage and with DH. I love him to bits and the last few months have been brilliant. He travels away a lot and I miss him hugely when he is not here but it would never ever have crossed my mind I could do this. I don't even find said friend attractive, although I like him very much as a friend and have known him years. This is the most awful thing I have ever done. The next day I could hardly bear to look at my children and every time I thought about what happened I felt sick.

My H is very jealous - he would end our marriage immediately if he even knew I kissed another man and has been clear about that all along. Why did I do it? What on earth posessed me? And how can I live with the guilt. I am so disgusted with myself I feel like crying all the time. I hate myself for what I've done. I've sullied my marriage. I've never lied to my husband before.

DH cheated on me with an ex in the early months and I found out. I could not understand how when asked "why?" He could only say "I just don't know". But now I'm in exactly the same boat. My DH told me a lot of lies at the start of our marriage and it took so much work to get them all into the open and now I've put lies back into our relationship. How could I do it.

It feels like a terrible dream but I can't wake up. What do I do. I know I don't deserve sympathy but I can't talk to anyone IRL and I'm so desperate.

If your DH is very jealous then I would not say that this man tried it on even if you do omit your snogging and fumbling part. By doing this you are setting yourself up for your H challenging this guy. Then all hell could break loose.

I also think that by avoiding his wife you are setting up alarm bells that could be read by her and make your H (and her) suspicious. She may tell the friend you have admitted all to (or another friend who mentions it to her) and it could get very messy.

I would carry on as before - say you went out for the meal, he dropped you off at home and that's it. I am sure that this man will say the same to his wife. If you act strangely or indicate that he tried it on you are getting yourself in even deeper. You AND he acted inappropriately do NOT put the blame solely on the man.

You had a nice meal and that's it. By the way, don't take up any future job offer with his company!

Yes you have to continue as normal. I wonder whether he told his DW that you are having dinner. Be prepared that one day your DH may find you logged into MN and see this thread. Perhaps you will need a new login after this thread?

You know, you sound a little lonely in your op, when your husband is away. Loneliness makes us vulnerable.

I don't know this man but the fact you said to him about not ruining a 25 year marraige and he went on and still made a move on you suggests to me he is a player and in exactly what he is doing. And you being lonely and a little insecure and a lot drunk, responded. Then realised what was happening and stopped it.

I think he took advantage of you. I think he saw your DH away and knew you would be vulnerable and moved in. And I wouldn't be in the least bit surprised if he ha done it before.

You made a mistake. You know it was wrong. You can choose here either to blow your husbands life apart when you know you won't make the same mistake again, or swallow the guilt yourself and get on ŵith it. But if you feel as bad as you do know when he gets home, and he is a naturally jealous type, I wouldn't be surprised if he does get suspicious. Be prepared. And pled try to forgive yourself, you need to do that first so you can move on.f

Your DH honoured you enough to tell you about his past mistake, even if it took some time to extract all the details (I assume he minimalised it).

So surely it would be best to tell the truth (taking into account sensitivities etc).

If this OM is having a midlife crisis, surely he is pretty unpredictable and will most likely press some self destruct button that will 'out' the event.

am I missing something , if one of the DP's of the advisers had done this wouldn't they want to know. or is a little fun on the side allowed as long as we feel awful about it?

oracle I agree with Cogito. Don't build this up into something it isn't.

You've had a short sharp shock where you've learned how easily affairs can happen. It's a myth to think that all affairs happen because there is something dreadfully wrong with either the people concerned or the marriage. Sadly, many affairs happen simply because they can. The opportunity presents itself and people don't think about what they are losing (including their self-respect) if they take the opportunity. Most people simply think "I'd never do that" without really asking themselves how they'd handle the situation if they found themselves in it. If it were that easy, it wouldn't be so commonplace.

Now you know different. Forget about analysing your marriage and stop beating yourself up. The core of you doesn't want to be unfaithful because you stopped yourself. Hold on to that and grow it. The more your sense of self and worth comes from within rather than your relationships with other people, the less vulnerable you will be.

The only thing that doesn't sit well with me about not telling your DH is that the man who took advantage of you (make no mistake, thats exactly what happened and was his intention from the start) had betrayed his friendship with DH and his wife. Remember, your intentions were innocent and you got carried away with the compliments etc - i daresay i would have done exactly the same, especially being the wrong side of a bottle of wine!

This was hardly infidelity, you both went with the booze and the moment, it happens to far more people than will admit it.

Keep calm, keep schtum, don't blame yourself or him, allow yourself a quiet moment of pride that other men still find you hot, 2 stone and N kids later, and carry on..

Oh dear, no one is perfect.

Don't tell ANYONE. You need to put this down to a moment of madness. You have put yourself in a vulnerable position by going out with another man and drinking. Lesson learnt I think?

If I was the DH in this scenario I wouldn't want to know. You feel awful, you won't do it again. Why tell?

If it was something you did regularly or it had gone as far as sex, that would be different.

ofmiceandmen - if she'd actually slept with him I'd agree with you. But she stopped things from progressing. Admittedly way further down the line than she should have as not even the kiss should have happened, but the combination of loneliness and alcohol made her vulnerable and she still managed to stop it. Her core values have been battered around the edges but not completely broken.

Good people can do stupid things. The world is full of otherwise decent people who have really hurt their partners by having affairs. It's because affairs aren't about being being good or bad, they are about the weaknesses of the people involved in them.

It's an unromantic and somewhat cynical view to have I know, but IME most people would be vulnerable to an affair if someone made a concerted effort to play them into it. More people stop for reasons of fear (either their partner's reaction or being socially judged) than because "it's the right thing to do" because ultimately we all decide things on how they affect us rather than how they affect others. Arming yourself against an affair requires some thinking about this. IMO the best defence is to recognise that you will hate yourself if you betray your own sense of who you are.

It's not best to tell the truth in these circs no no no way. You will only cause pain and hurt to your husband and your children, right now you need to rationalise it and carry it.

The distress you feel right now will minimise. But you will need to live with this. I agree with your best friend. But don't think about it as punishment, that will only exacerbate the guilt which in this case is, although not unfounded, is out of perspective because it's so raw right now.

You had a drunken fumble, it was the last 15 minutes of the evening. You are not attracted to this man. You were flattered lonely bored and drunk. No more than that. You can learn from this. Yes make some changes, try harder to lose that weight if you think it will make a difference. Put a little more energy into your marriage, this is a lesson learned in how much you appreciate your man. Show him that and be kind to yourself. A drunken impulse, no more no less.

This is a difficult one. The consensus view is that omission of detail is in best interest of the marriage. Omission can, however, be a form of lying in certain context.

I guess that is a pragmatic choice which many posters are recommending providing that OP has learnt lesson.

It is true that advice for a man and woman is often different as men are less trusted....I guess men are more often the predators.

ofmiceandmen I have learned from bitter experience there is no honour in these things, usually it's just a dissembling of guilt if the partner tells. It's driven by a selfish need to confess and be forgiven.

Dahlen

I actually agree that this is not a a major crisis, and that this was a mistake,

I agree with you all, until the not telling the husband bit.

Yes don't over analyse it.

Yes you made a mistake, but we are human

No it doesn't mean you love your DH any less (people still remain attracted to others even if they are in a loving, trusting, relationship - it's how we respond it them that counts).

and No, I don't think it will end your marriage, it will take time to rebuild that trust as it took you time to do the same.

OP - Your fear is perhaps this now means it will become a tit for tat. that as he is away often and fighting/resisting temptation, he will now have justification for crossing the line and snogging the next attractive woman he comes across on his trip.
You've got to trust each other IMHO

I guess personally - I would want to know, than find out through a third party. perhaps its a rose tinted view.

Going against the grain, I think you should tell your dh. There is a high chance he will find out anyway. The om might tell someone, you have already told a friend.

If he tries to spill the beans, you deny everything completely cog I think this is an awful thing to do. How many threads have there been where women are driven mad by their partners denying and minimising.

And as for JustinB, would you give this same advice to a cheating man?

Well, be flattered, you both had an interesting, interesting in that it got to talking about childhood issues, evening and a fun snog. You are out of practice with the dating game and got caught out!

It was not just a kiss. 'Clothes were removed'. That's cheating in my book and alcohol does not excuse it. You should tell your dh.

"So infidelity is OK so long as you don't get caught?"

One mistake is OK as long as you don't blab about it....

I'm totally not trying to paint myself as a victim or taken advantage of at all. It was MY fault and there are no excuses. However I do think my friend knew what he was doing when he invited me out. I wouldn't have had that gut "hmmm.... Not sure about this" reaction otherwise.

I know now I need to listen to my gut more not try to rationalise my instincts away and doubt myself. If I'd gone with my instincts I wouldn't even have had dinner with him and I'm kicking myself about that too. I shouldn't have gone at all. And I certainly shouldn't have got so drunk. Just a chain of silly stupid idiotic choices ending in even more idiocy.

DH didn't tell me about his indiscretions by the way, I found an incrimiating email. I know for a FACT if he was in my shoes he wouldn't confess. Not that that should influence me.

I just can't see any good out of it. It would ruin so many lives - our family, friends family, polarise our friends, it would be a nightmare of immense proportions. For what? So I can alleviate my guilt basically.

I don't think I ought to tell him and I'm sure my friend won't tell his wife. The best thing I can do is to tell myself I dreamed that entire thing and it never happened. I just need to get over or bury the awful guilt and self loathing I feel.

Hi similar happened to me a week last Friday. I was very drunk with a female friend and had similar encounter. It was odd as neither of us is gay.

I told my dh straight away. He is very laid back and said he wasn't cross. I am sure that it would have been a different reaction had it been a man, which is illogical to me.

Like you, I had the most awful shame and remorse. The day after it happened was one of the worst of my life.

Over the course of the week, things got better. Now I feel ok, although I will always regret it.

Tbh your dh sounds somewhat controlling. He was unfaithful to you - have you worked that out with him? Do you trust him now?

I would put the incident down to the drink. It doesn't sound like your h would be understanding so I would keep quiet about it and avoid being alone with the friend.

Definitely don't tell, you have a very wise best friend. I used to do research into relationships and the motive for telling your OH about this kind of event is purely selfish - it is to relieve your own pain and guilt, and not to 'clear the air' or ensure the relationship is on the right footing. Hang in there, take it as a lesson learnt and focus on your own fa,ily and what is best for you as a unit.

Is there not at least a chance that your dinner companion will tell your husband himself - some sort of guilty confession type thing? After all, he messaged him first so there must be a friendship there? I'm so sorry for you as I can see how this sort of thing can happen. No easy answers I'm afraid.

I think if the OP and her DH had a different sort of relationship I would counsel talking about it. In the rigiht context this is the sort of incident that could actually increase trust and bonding in the marriage.

I don't think the OP has that sort of relationship with her DH. THe combination of prolonged periods apart, his earlier infidelity and that fact that upthread she mentioned that her DH has a problem with jealousy, to me suggests that if she confesses she will simply blow her marriage wide apart.

Shades of grey. One solution does not fit all marriages.

"f he tries to spill the beans, you deny everything completely cog I think this is an awful thing to do. How many threads have there been where women are driven mad by their partners denying and minimising."

This isn't an 'affair'. Chances are this man will keep quiet. Chances are the neighbours will mind their own business. It's a one-off, embarrassing mistake, and should be left at that. If this actually was an affair with the OP and this man meeting up regularly, flirting by FB/text and all the classic behaviours and the DH in this case got wind of something and asked a straight question... then straight answers are required.

Telling her DH she went off the rails for 10 minutes ... what does that achieve? A real risk of a broken marriage or unhappiness & mistrust all round... the kids, the friend, the DH. Why make so many people miserable rather than one.

'Least said, soonest mended'

I may be well off the mark here - but I don't think you truly got over his infidelity. and I don't think him being away so often is helping. perhaps in the back of your mind you are still doubting him and perhaps that led to what happened.

At the end of the day I can only wish you the best of luck. It's happened, love yourself and it will all come good (cheesy, but hey I just followed the fingers) , you know the best thing for your relationship.

Good luck