cheated on DH - but don't know WHY!

[oracleselfservice]

One night at the weekend I went out with a friend for dinner. His wife is on holiday and my husband is away on business. He said he messaged my H but then realised he was away but did I fancy grabbing a bite and a drink anyway. To be honest my git reaction was "hmmmmm... Bit unsure about this". But when I mentioned to a friend I thought there might be subtext she said not to be silly. So I went.

We had a nice dinner. Talked a lot about our families and work (we work in similar fields and work on projects together) and I have been angling for a job with his firm for ages.

We drank WAY too much (he is renowned for his boozing) and the discussion became quite personal and he told me about some childhood issues, and that basically he was feeling like he was in mid life crisis zone (he is 10 years older than me).

I counselled him not to do anything he would regret and that he shoudnt risk a 25 year marriage just because he was going through some emotional upheaval. When he dropped me home though he went to kiss me and, for some insane reason I responded. I stopped it before it went too far but not before some clothes got removed.

I feel utterly distraught. I am incredibly happy in my marriage and with DH. I love him to bits and the last few months have been brilliant. He travels away a lot and I miss him hugely when he is not here but it would never ever have crossed my mind I could do this. I don't even find said friend attractive, although I like him very much as a friend and have known him years. This is the most awful thing I have ever done. The next day I could hardly bear to look at my children and every time I thought about what happened I felt sick.

My H is very jealous - he would end our marriage immediately if he even knew I kissed another man and has been clear about that all along. Why did I do it? What on earth posessed me? And how can I live with the guilt. I am so disgusted with myself I feel like crying all the time. I hate myself for what I've done. I've sullied my marriage. I've never lied to my husband before.

DH cheated on me with an ex in the early months and I found out. I could not understand how when asked "why?" He could only say "I just don't know". But now I'm in exactly the same boat. My DH told me a lot of lies at the start of our marriage and it took so much work to get them all into the open and now I've put lies back into our relationship. How could I do it.

It feels like a terrible dream but I can't wake up. What do I do. I know I don't deserve sympathy but I can't talk to anyone IRL and I'm so desperate.

Just someone on the Internet, but...

I would get your husband and your marriage off that pedestal whilst you work out why this happened so that it doesn't again.

He's jealous, insecure, would definitely divorce you if he knew, you'd be physically scared, you're lonely, he cheated...

I'm not saying LTB, I'm just saying it does no relationship any good if you deny it isn't perfect.

Maybe I need a shake up to look closer at myself and do better and try harder across the board

No need to beat yourself up (that's the job of the MN vipers )

You had a drunken fumble, I'd best mot marrieds do something like this sometime, no need to get thee to a nunnery.

Keep calm, keep schtum, carry on.

Always amazes me how blasé some people are about 'drunken snogs' or in this case a 'drunken snog and a bit more'. As if because they were drunk at the time it doesn't really matter, blame the drink.

I guess drink affects different people in different ways. Some people can get totally pissed but would still never have a snog with someone who wasn't their partner, some seem to lose all inhibitions when drunk. I'm one of the former so perhaps don't understand the latter.

Thing is, most people, if they ARE the latter and are married or in a LTR, KNOW they have the tendency to do this and therefore don't put themselves in the situation of having a dinner with a guy they have warning bells about and get pissed.

He has just emailed me asking if we can meet up "to talk about what happened".

I am so totally not being drawn into secret meetings and collusions! It makes it seem even worse that he is now trying to get me to meet him secretly - because it would seem incredibly suspicious to see any of my friends so much in such a short time. I am so NOT going to exacerbate this by having personal conversations with this man that I would have to hide from my husband.

Is he trying to draw me into an affair or trying to make sure I'm not going to mention it, suddenly confess in a fit of guilt or what?! Why can't he leave me alone?!

I replied and told him I thought that was unecessary, that it was a stupid drunken incident, these things happen when far too much alcohol is concerned and as far as I was concerned its forgotten. That I love my life and my family and would do anything not to risk that. I said we should never talk to anyone about it ever again, least said soonest mended and I look forward to seeing him and his wife for lunch or golf when my H gets back.

Did I do right do you think?

Absolutely right.

Yes and now delete the emails.

I'm very unhappy that this man cheated on you and you stayed with him, yet he would leave if he knew you'd cheated on him. He'd be beside himself with fury - did he expect you to dump him when you found out?

I agree that your husband needs to come down off his pedestal. To an outsider, he doesn't sound very nice at all and when you say you'd be scared physically if he found out, well... I wouldn't stay with someone I thought could get violent, no matter the reason.

Yes, you did the right thing. Yes, he probably thinks you have a 'thing' going now.... Why on earth are you joining him for golf? Smirking & winking at you over the tee.....? I'm sure you can find reasons not to be round him.

Yes I will certainly avoid contact as much as possible. I just wrote that to kind of indictate "business as usual" type thing. I can't avoid him and his wife totally as they are very much embedded in our social circle and I do occasionally work with him which can't be avoided. But the aim is to be totally as if it never happened. I seriously hope his MLC diverts him elsewhere rather than makes his fixate on me. I'm also wary of upsetting him - a man scorned and all....

Ugh this is all so so horrible.

I hesitate to point this out, but you've not behaved as though nothing happened. You've given him evidence in writing that it did.

Out of interest as you were both drunk how did you both get back to yours and how did he then leave when you stopped it ? Was there a bit of built up tension in the taxi then snogging on the lawn When you got back ? I ask because he may have seen this as a precursor to something 'bigger' a full blown affair maybe ? I'm worried he'd be feeling scorned ... And was hoping for it to carry on further ? Was he ok when you got him to leave ??

Vivacia has beaten me to it. This man now has written proof that something happened between the two of you while you were drunk.

This may yet come back to bite you in the arse, OP.

Emails all indicate a pass being made "something" inappropriate but are very carefully phrased. He has at least as much to lose as I do. If not more.

By her account, there's nothing incriminating in the exchange.

He asked: "to talk about what happened".

To which she replied that:

"I thought that was un-necessary, that it was a stupid drunken incident, these things happen when far too much alcohol is concerned and as far as I was concerned its forgotten. That I love my life and my family and would do anything not to risk that. I said we should never talk to anyone about it ever again, least said soonest mended and I look forward to seeing him and his wife for lunch or golf when my H gets back."

Which is what you would say to a friend who tried it on when drunk & you declined.

He was ok when I asked him to leave because I suddenly burst into hyseterical tears and sobbed that I loved my husband and he had to go. Immediately. He appeared more worried about me than pissed off. I sincerely hope for him too it was just a horrible drunken mistake. Not premeditated. Really hope. But even so I think I've made it very very clear I'm not interested in anything.

Your husband sounds horrendous actually from all the little hints you keep dropping.

Bad temper, hot head, unfaithful , jealous , you'd ' fear for your physical safety if he found out ' , rolls in pissed out of his head etc etc...

If you're for real then you need to keep quiet. Sounds like you'll be getting a slap and a divorce if it comes out.

But is the content vague enough for a husband very clear in where his boundaries lie?

Probably yes. And deservedly so. But this isn't really about my H who I truly am very happy with. As I said we have had difficulties in the past and he has not been a model husband but we came out of that a long time ago and things have been brilliant and getting better and better for a long time. We are going through a really good patch. Which is what makes this so awful and stupid and pointless.

I just hope to god I can put this behind me now.

Don't know how my H would ever see them. And if he did we would probably have world war three but there's a chance we could work through it. Even if he thought a pass was made and nothing more happened it would be cataclysmic. This scenario is his achilles heel. I couldn't have found a worse way to wound him. As he is away so much he worries I will get lonely and something will happen. Its the realisation of all his fears. I have stuck a knife in his weakest spot. Which I just can't believe I've done. He can never never never find out. Never.

OP, the point is still unanswered though, isn't it? WHY did you do it? I'm sorry, but I don't get the whole "because I was drunk" thing but as I said earlier, clearly different people have different responses to mine to excess drink. Presumably you were aware of YOUR tolerance to alcohol prior to this incident? You yourself admitted you were wary about this dinner invitation. But you still went. And still got to a point of alcohol consumption where you behaved inappropriately (sorry to sound old fashioned but I thinking snogging and taking some clothes off with someone else when you are married is inappropriate).

Sounds as though you've done this as punishment for his previous behaviour ... As you say, it's the worst thing you could have chosen. It would wound him in the same way he once wounded you.
Is that plausible?

Where the hell did I ever say it wasn't inappropriate Jessica?! Are you always so sanctimonious? Never made a mistake? Never got more pissed than you meant to? Perfect are you?

I've said VERY clearly on here that what I did was abysmal, that I am utterly distraught, that I fully intend to go back to therapy to try to get to the root of what went wrong. What else would YOU like me to do? Self flagellate a bit more?

Somewhere, I certainly didn't do that on purpose. In fact I can confess to liking feeling like I was the "good" one in the relationship who had never lied, never cheated, forgave bad behaviour magnanimously (in the end) because I am a "good person" etc.... Well that holier than thou mental smugness is well and truly punctured now. Probably not such a bad thing. I probably needed to be reminded of my own fallibility to get me off my high horse. No one is perfect. And I gave him such a hard time for some of his behaviour in the past. And I was very harsh with a friend recently who confessed an affair to me. Teach me for being so judgemental huh.

Is there something in your childhood that makes you not know how to reject people easily?

saying this as someone who has slept with people i didnt fancy because they came onto me, and i didnt want to make them feel bad

Maybe, I don't know. I've always been like that. I've always wanted to be a "good girl", class swot, always say yes at work even when I'm swamped, previously had sex with people I didn't want to so as to not upset them or make them feel good. Don't know why I do that. And thought I'd make huge strides in changing that about myself. Putting in place boundaries, controlling silly impulses and being a throughly sensible, practical, confident wife and mother. I don't know where this has surfaced from. Its like I just regressed to being 22 again. :(

I had this exact same scenario with an old boss who was also older, married etc who ended up abusing me horribly (sexually too) because I just didn't know how to extricate myself from the situation. I basically LET him do it and repeatedly agreed to see him and continue a relationship with him when I not only didn't want to sleep with him but after he pretty much raped me. I wrote a thread about it a couple of months ago.

And I did exactly the same this weekend. Why? Why would any sane woman do that?

What if his wife finds your email? I wouldn't reply to any other emails from him now.