cheated on DH - but don't know WHY!

[oracleselfservice]

One night at the weekend I went out with a friend for dinner. His wife is on holiday and my husband is away on business. He said he messaged my H but then realised he was away but did I fancy grabbing a bite and a drink anyway. To be honest my git reaction was "hmmmmm... Bit unsure about this". But when I mentioned to a friend I thought there might be subtext she said not to be silly. So I went.

We had a nice dinner. Talked a lot about our families and work (we work in similar fields and work on projects together) and I have been angling for a job with his firm for ages.

We drank WAY too much (he is renowned for his boozing) and the discussion became quite personal and he told me about some childhood issues, and that basically he was feeling like he was in mid life crisis zone (he is 10 years older than me).

I counselled him not to do anything he would regret and that he shoudnt risk a 25 year marriage just because he was going through some emotional upheaval. When he dropped me home though he went to kiss me and, for some insane reason I responded. I stopped it before it went too far but not before some clothes got removed.

I feel utterly distraught. I am incredibly happy in my marriage and with DH. I love him to bits and the last few months have been brilliant. He travels away a lot and I miss him hugely when he is not here but it would never ever have crossed my mind I could do this. I don't even find said friend attractive, although I like him very much as a friend and have known him years. This is the most awful thing I have ever done. The next day I could hardly bear to look at my children and every time I thought about what happened I felt sick.

My H is very jealous - he would end our marriage immediately if he even knew I kissed another man and has been clear about that all along. Why did I do it? What on earth posessed me? And how can I live with the guilt. I am so disgusted with myself I feel like crying all the time. I hate myself for what I've done. I've sullied my marriage. I've never lied to my husband before.

DH cheated on me with an ex in the early months and I found out. I could not understand how when asked "why?" He could only say "I just don't know". But now I'm in exactly the same boat. My DH told me a lot of lies at the start of our marriage and it took so much work to get them all into the open and now I've put lies back into our relationship. How could I do it.

It feels like a terrible dream but I can't wake up. What do I do. I know I don't deserve sympathy but I can't talk to anyone IRL and I'm so desperate.

Btw not that is makes it any better but I did NOT enjoy it at all and thinking about it makes me feel sick and cringe. I certainly was not overcome with attraction / lust and got absolutely zero pleasure / titilation from the experience. I've never wanted to have sex with another man since I met my husband and I wasn't even attracted to this friend. That's why I am so aghast at myself. If I had been overwhelmed with attraction I would never have had dinner with him at all. But why would I do this with someone I don't even fancy.

I used to have awful boundaries and ended up allowing myself to have sex with people I didn't like just because I wanted to be "nice" back in my early 20s. Can't belive I haven't got over that at my age. I've had therapy and still don't understand why I did this. Wanting to be wanted? People pleasing to a ridiculous extent? Lack of self esteem? Impulsive behaviour? I think controling my impulses is a problem - hence still being overweight.

God I sound like a mess. I am a mess.

I agree with Pawprint - your husband sounds controlling. ' he is very jealous' 'he would leave if he knew'
' he was unfaithful' to paraphrase.
What's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.
Don't tell.

You're not a mess or psychologically disturbed, just a human being who's best intentions go to pot when you've had a few and you're being flattered. Really... we've all been there. We've all snogged someone that looks OK through the beer goggles and then woken up the next morning regretting it badly.

Just be aware that you're human and don't put yourself in situations where it could happen again. If a male friend asks you out for dinner again, stay sober, for example...

No oral sex!!!

Dont beat yourself up.
It was an honest mistake, just ensure to not put yourself in that sort of situation in the future again.
We all screw up from time to time!

Agree with others, keep quiet, put it to one side.
You love your dh, you are happy, this absolutely should not be allowed to balls everything up. It was a stupid, drunken mistake.

As an aside, what's with the 'taken advantage of' nonsense? I bloody despise the eagerness on here to shove women into the role of pathetic little victimised waif.

I don't know cog. I think regardless of whether it's a long drawn out affair, one night stand, or half naked fumble, denying it when asked directly, is an awful thing to do to a partner.

If he never finds out then, yes, it's worth keeping quiet if you can live with it. But in this case there is a high chance he will find out.

Firstly, the om could tell a 'trusted friend' just like OP did. Either 'trusted friend' might tell their partner 'in confidence', etc. You know how quickly news like this travels.

Also, avoiding the man and his wife will look odd and point the finger of suspicion.

Not mentioning what happened, or leaving out certain details is one thing, but outright lying when asked is completely different.

Also, from what OP says, this stopped just short of intercourse. Does that really make such a difference. Where does it say that cheating only occurs when penis is in vagina?

People are minimising, that's all. I don't think posters would be telling a man to lie to his wife, deny, deny, deny. Even if it were the same circumstances and the woman made the first move.

Ha...and now dh is controlling!
Fucking hell...

"denying it when asked directly, is an awful thing to do to a partner."

I said that, should the 'friend' spill the beans, she should deny it. However, I doubt that will happen. I don't suppose Mr Lecherous is sitting home today, agonising about what he should do next.

~Oh my fuck, now the DH is controlling Actually OP, it is all his fault, he hasn't made you feel attractive enough, he forced you into having children and haing to go out to work to subsidise the fact that he doesn't earn enough. No wonder you were vulnerable to the advances of another man, who of course was overcome with your beauty an vulnerability. How DARE your DH even suggest that you be faithful, thats controlling behaviour right there. See, i don't think his infedelity comes into it because according to this thread it doesn't matter anymore.

You should LTB and set up home with Mr Octopus hands as his wife is obviously equally as controlling him and has probably been depriving the poor sod his marital rights!

I said that, should the 'friend' spill the beans, she should deny it

Yes, I know, and from that I took it that you mean - If the friend tells the OP's husband, the OP should deny it to her husband. Have I got that wrong?

If a man had posted the same as the OP I would give exactly the same advice. I am sure there are plenty of men who have kissed and had a fumble with a woman (not full sex) and bitterly regretted it the morning after and realised they were in the wrong.

" If the friend tells the OP's husband, the OP should deny it to her husband."

No you didn't get it wrong. It would make it her word against a so-called friend and I think she'd win the day if she stood her ground and denied it. If the DH had other evidence then it would be best to come clean. But on the strength of this man's say-so... nah...

Hmmm.....Another bit of advice for the OP is to ignore all the MN cod psychologists, moral philosophers, puritans, wounded man-haters etc etc

I think the chances of it coming to light are highly unlikely. Highly unlikely. I have told my best friend. I'm utterly convinced she will never tell anyone. Am certain he won't be saying anything to anyone anytime soon. Its only if my own behaviour gives it away that it will become known. And I just have to manage my guilt and misery about it to be "normal" in every respect.

Guaranteed if DH knew we would be divorced. He would never get over it. No way. He is quite insecure in many ways and is also quite a hot head and I'd actually be worried about my physical safety if he found out. Ballistic isn't the word. He would go absolutely crazy. I'm the measured one in the relationship. Usually!

oracle you aren't exactly painting your husband as a wonderful man here either, theres a subtext to your posts which indicate you may be unhappy in your marriage.

"balistic"
"worried for my safety"
"He's quite a jealous man"

Unfaithful and didn't tell you, you found out.
He's away a lot.
You feel overworked and exhausted.
you have a strong need to please others

Is it any wonder that some posters are telling you to LTB, it's not looking good on paper.

OP your attitude is wonderful IMO.

Take this message from the universe and use it's pain to open up areas in your life that are problematic.

Sorry to sound so mystical, but 'this' is really what it is all about. And if those areas are within yourself or within your relationship, go there.

You sound like a good person with perhaps poor boundaries? Well, start looking at those things, it's important. What is that all about, poor boundaries? Where do they impact in your life? How are they keeping you from happiness? What would you like more of? What is keeping you from that, and how are you going along with it?

People are minimising, that's all. I don't think posters would be telling a man to lie to his wife, deny, deny, deny. Even if it were the same circumstances and the woman made the first move.

Whereas others are enthusiastically maximizing.....and on MN the man's place is in the wrong, it's in the rules :)

Loose lips sink ships.....

Keep stum!

Oh no that's not the case. We have been SUPER happy the past 6 months especially. But it hasn't always been roses and chocolates. What marriage has? DH has been difficult sometimes and we've had our ups and downs but he adores me and the kids and is a very very kind and loving partner. We went through a tough time a couple of years ago because he had some issues with work and his parents but he had counselling and was put on antidepressants to deal with his anger and upset and has come out of it amazingly.

I'm very proud of him and what he has achieved for himself and us. The only point I'm trying to make is that he is not going to be the type of husband who in this situation will sit down rationally to discuss things, work them through or who would be understanding of the scenario. That's not because he is a bad person, its just he would find what I did viscerally unforgiveable. I'm not at all suggesting there is any fault to be placed at my husbands door. Not at all. Just some people are more or less able to rationalise infidelity. He is less.

'Until the next morning, she woke up in bed
With a smile on her lips and an ache in her head
And a beard on her earlobe that tickled and said
"Have some Madeira m'dear...."'

I'm a bit concerned now oracle. You should never need to be worried for your physical safety. Is there a reason why you feel that way?

And no I'm not minimising what you did, but there do seen to be a few deeper issues potentially there from some of your comments.

I think I will do that wellwobbly. My friend has just started seeing a CBT therapist and says she is wonderful. I get several sessions covered by work health insurance. I think I perhaps ought to sort something out. I cannot bear to think I could do this again ever but I need to try to do anything and everything to ensure I have the right frame of mind, strength of character and self worth to be a better person. I haven't had therapy in years but perhaps I need a refresher course in self esteem and boundaries particularly. Might help with my chronic overeating and allow me to finally lose that baby weight instead of yo yo ing 10 pounds each way. There are a lot of things I have been procrastinating about claiming I'm too busy / stressed etc. Maybe I need a shake up to look closer at myself and do better and try harder across the board.

Well, keep quiet, yes.
But - and disclaimer, I am reading a lot between the lines here, and I'm just some