cheated on DH - but don't know WHY!

[oracleselfservice]

One night at the weekend I went out with a friend for dinner. His wife is on holiday and my husband is away on business. He said he messaged my H but then realised he was away but did I fancy grabbing a bite and a drink anyway. To be honest my git reaction was "hmmmmm... Bit unsure about this". But when I mentioned to a friend I thought there might be subtext she said not to be silly. So I went.

We had a nice dinner. Talked a lot about our families and work (we work in similar fields and work on projects together) and I have been angling for a job with his firm for ages.

We drank WAY too much (he is renowned for his boozing) and the discussion became quite personal and he told me about some childhood issues, and that basically he was feeling like he was in mid life crisis zone (he is 10 years older than me).

I counselled him not to do anything he would regret and that he shoudnt risk a 25 year marriage just because he was going through some emotional upheaval. When he dropped me home though he went to kiss me and, for some insane reason I responded. I stopped it before it went too far but not before some clothes got removed.

I feel utterly distraught. I am incredibly happy in my marriage and with DH. I love him to bits and the last few months have been brilliant. He travels away a lot and I miss him hugely when he is not here but it would never ever have crossed my mind I could do this. I don't even find said friend attractive, although I like him very much as a friend and have known him years. This is the most awful thing I have ever done. The next day I could hardly bear to look at my children and every time I thought about what happened I felt sick.

My H is very jealous - he would end our marriage immediately if he even knew I kissed another man and has been clear about that all along. Why did I do it? What on earth posessed me? And how can I live with the guilt. I am so disgusted with myself I feel like crying all the time. I hate myself for what I've done. I've sullied my marriage. I've never lied to my husband before.

DH cheated on me with an ex in the early months and I found out. I could not understand how when asked "why?" He could only say "I just don't know". But now I'm in exactly the same boat. My DH told me a lot of lies at the start of our marriage and it took so much work to get them all into the open and now I've put lies back into our relationship. How could I do it.

It feels like a terrible dream but I can't wake up. What do I do. I know I don't deserve sympathy but I can't talk to anyone IRL and I'm so desperate.

If he is saying things like his wife is controlling and he is questioning the meaning of life then that is not the innocent innocuous chat you said it was earlier. Does your DH know how often you communicate? Would you be happy to show him all the messages? You say part of you is flattered - do you think you might be encouraging him? If you genuinely want this to stop then stop messaging him, it really is that simple.

Don't give this guy power. Threaten to tell his DW if he continues. If you say you don't want an affair then this guy shou,d be backing off and not hassling you. Don't like the over persistence and he is taking advantage of your nice nature which is dangerous.

My guess is that a few people (men and women) make this kind of mistake and genuinely set about putting it right. Yes, the advise on MN tends to be more sympathetic to women but I still think that you have received the correct advice in your case.

Enjoy the weather and your family and don't take crap from this guy.

Try not to beat yourself up much more, okay that's easier said than done. However these things happen and you can't go back in time.
Just keep it to yourself. It's not easy living a lie but what's the alternative "Confess all to your D.H and you lose your marriage.

Ignorance is bliss or if you prefer A little knowledge is a dangerous thing. xx

I really think you should just ignore this bloke from now on. Don't acknowledge his messages and avoid wherever possible. I think he sounds like he is trying to wear you down.
It was a drunken mistake, but one it sounds like he was planning. Distance yourself as much as you possibly can.
I also think that part of the problem is that you are down on yourself and flattered. Do something to give yourself some better self esteem, take up running, get back in shape anything to make you feel more comfortable in your own skin. Don it just for you.

I agree with mootime, re ignoring. And I also think there's no need to beat yourself up about what happened, just try to let it go, you made a mistake, you've learnt from it, learning is the important bit. Becoming less 'judgy', moving into the 'real world' which is grey (and not MN black and white) can only be a good thing.

However, I think there is huge danger here that you will get drawn in again.

There's no need to reply to his messages AT ALL. It won't make any difference if you mention your H, family etc. in your replies. If you keep responding, he will keep messaging. If it's business, then reply as you would to an 'unknown' colleague, just don't mention anything personal at all.

I would also avoid all contact socially if it's just going to be the four of you, I think in a larger group it's OK, but if you value your marriage and your family you really need to be very careful.

I hope it all works out for you.

Hi I've been lurking. I think that if you can I'd call him and tell him to please stop all the messages as they make you feel uncomfortable and are inappropriate . Be very very clear. I think the fact that you feel a bit flattered is going to be dangerous . Write down what you are going to say if necessary and don't be drawn in to any conversation about how he feels etc.

Will definately keep the breezy but too busy to respond line going. I don't know why I feel so unable to "offend" people who I am friendly with. To the point where it feels somehow RUDE of me to not have sex with someone even if I don't want to! That's so screwed up. I'm not like it with strangers and can be quite blunt at work when necessary. It is probably very tied in with the past scenario with my old boss. He appeared very offended / upset if I didn't do what he wanted and used guilt (of offending him) and fear (of losing my job) to manipulate me.

I need to break away from that old pattern of behaviour.

I haven't heard from him today after I totally ignored his "nice being in touch again" comment. Maybe he is getting bored.

To my mind, allowing the BBM messaging because of your work related project was very naive of you. Likewise allowing your ex-boss to manipulate you because you didn't want to lose your job was very naive.

I think in future step back and have faith in yourself. No, is a complete answer. Stick to it, it is YOUR choice.
With regard to this man, do not be afraid of him. Do not allow him to have any power over you. And do not get drawn in to any personal conversations with him. You do not have to justify your marriage to him. He will only see it as a challenge and you will be feeding the monster.

A kiss and a grope isn't the end of the world. During random conversations me and DP have spoke about boundaries, reasons we'd leave etc. I said I'd want full honesty if he made a mistake such as yours and that we could move on. Thing is, I don't think I really would. If it was honestly a one off and nothing more I would rather be in the dark.

So I agree not to tell DP, I would say the same to your DP if things were reversed. It wasn't right, but you stopped it and by the sounds of it your overwhelming guilt is a big barrier to anything like this happening again.

Definitely do not be drawn into text exchanges. If you do you will have learnt nothing from your faux pas. If anything should happen again, even if its just him making a pass I think full disclosure is needed.

I was similar to you, in my youth slept with people I really didn't want to just to keep the peace. I wouldn't now. There's too much to lose. You don't need therapy or to examine your childhood but a bit more self control, (as harsh as that sounds). We all do stupid drunken things and hurt people. Judging by what you've said you've learnt from it and won't put yourself in that situation again. I think you have to just live with the guilt.

I can't believe these responses, of course you should tell him otherwise you'll are willfully deceiving him.

I won't comment on the infidelity but there's no chance of you going to work at the same company mow.

Personally I think you need to stop the BBM messages tomorrow.
Just say you're sorry you don't feel comfortable with it & delete him.

There's nothing to stop him sending you a compromising message, despite the fact that nothing is actually going on, and your husband finding it.

Don't say you're being groomed, you're an adult. If you don't like it, then stop it & be firm about boundaries.

To some guys no means more of a challenge. And the fact that you kissed then stopped has probably driven him a bit crazy.

Be wise, you know where he is trying to take this so nip in the bud now.

You do need to take control of this . Tell him to stop and mean it.

What worries me is that you are afraid of your husbands reaction.

Yes OK if I was to ever do something like this or worse my partner would go off the wall. Swear at the bloke, maybe even threaten him and he'd say he'd want time away from me and I'd grant him that. But I would never have to fear for my safety. Sure if he started to swear I'd understand; he'd be in shock and that's understandable. But if he was to be physically threatening then I think you know as well as I do that is a very inappropriate way to behave.

So in essence he is a bully kept under control. He either is or isn't aggressive and if you are afraid of his reaction, he seems to have aggressive streaks - whether aimed at you or others, it's not the greatest of qualities.

I am sure you love him but honestly, he sounds pretty awful to be honest.

As far as the 'friend' I am sure it was a mistake and alcohol and deep rooted feelings came into play here. I don't know if you should or should not tell your husband, because I'm not you. I couldn't keep it hidden and I don't think holding anything a secret for the rest of your life is worth it, no matter what your punishment is as it can really eat you up inside. I'd rather lose everything than be destroyed, reminded and tortured the rest of my life.

Am I the only one who is also thinking, 'He cheated on her, so what right does he say to pull the plug because she has done the same' because that's what he is saying. It was fine for him to do it and you had to forgive, but for you to do it is unforgivable.

Plus him not being around very much. I just don't see a lot of happiness in the sense of support. He's not around a lot, you feel threatened by him and you're not sure how he's going to react to things. I am sure you love him and I am sure too, that he loves you but it's not a very healthy set up. If you aren't happy as in the distance/not seeing him a lot, you should really tell him.

Auch stop being so bloody hard on yourself! I doubt very, very much that this man will want his wife to find out. It's probably the latest in a long line of dalliances he's had, and I bet he doesn't have any feelings of guilt or self loathing which might instigate some dramatic confession. He and his DW might look to have the "perfect" life, but hopefully this chapter has shown you that appearances can be very deceptive.

On the BBM issue, I'd ignore him until such a point that he actually starts to discuss something work related. If he then starts suggesting "coffee" to discuss whatever project you're working on, don't fall for it. If it's absolutely necessary make sure you bring someone else. Preferably a very keen graduate or newbie, which will kept the meeting purely "on message".

And to all those who say "you should tell him", or, "a man would be told to tell all"- not from me. I have seen first hand the damage loss of trust does to a marriage with my parents. If the risk of anyone finding out is low AND the person in question is suitably regretful and resigned to never allowing it to happen again, then ignorance really is bliss. I have told DP that, I genuinely wouldn't want to know.

So chin up OP, keep working on that self-esteem and do not let this slimey little bugger get you in any deeper than you are now. God, he's aiming to be a guilt shag, how pathetic is that?

If my DH had done this to me, I would rather not know pathetic as that sounds.

BUT - I would rather find out from him than someone else.

If this toolish man is on a MLC path what are the chances he will press self destruct button and tell people? If that happens its much better if your DH already knows. He may talk a big game but the reality of leaving you for this is very different.

PS can you block him on BBM? I have had to block male colleages on other IM things who kept sending me innocuous but imo creepy PMs.

zombie thread

old thread. I'd love to know what happened. probably not much