cheated on DH - but don't know WHY!

[oracleselfservice]

One night at the weekend I went out with a friend for dinner. His wife is on holiday and my husband is away on business. He said he messaged my H but then realised he was away but did I fancy grabbing a bite and a drink anyway. To be honest my git reaction was "hmmmmm... Bit unsure about this". But when I mentioned to a friend I thought there might be subtext she said not to be silly. So I went.

We had a nice dinner. Talked a lot about our families and work (we work in similar fields and work on projects together) and I have been angling for a job with his firm for ages.

We drank WAY too much (he is renowned for his boozing) and the discussion became quite personal and he told me about some childhood issues, and that basically he was feeling like he was in mid life crisis zone (he is 10 years older than me).

I counselled him not to do anything he would regret and that he shoudnt risk a 25 year marriage just because he was going through some emotional upheaval. When he dropped me home though he went to kiss me and, for some insane reason I responded. I stopped it before it went too far but not before some clothes got removed.

I feel utterly distraught. I am incredibly happy in my marriage and with DH. I love him to bits and the last few months have been brilliant. He travels away a lot and I miss him hugely when he is not here but it would never ever have crossed my mind I could do this. I don't even find said friend attractive, although I like him very much as a friend and have known him years. This is the most awful thing I have ever done. The next day I could hardly bear to look at my children and every time I thought about what happened I felt sick.

My H is very jealous - he would end our marriage immediately if he even knew I kissed another man and has been clear about that all along. Why did I do it? What on earth posessed me? And how can I live with the guilt. I am so disgusted with myself I feel like crying all the time. I hate myself for what I've done. I've sullied my marriage. I've never lied to my husband before.

DH cheated on me with an ex in the early months and I found out. I could not understand how when asked "why?" He could only say "I just don't know". But now I'm in exactly the same boat. My DH told me a lot of lies at the start of our marriage and it took so much work to get them all into the open and now I've put lies back into our relationship. How could I do it.

It feels like a terrible dream but I can't wake up. What do I do. I know I don't deserve sympathy but I can't talk to anyone IRL and I'm so desperate.

The hypocrisy on this thread is laughable especially from some posters. Would most people have advised the DH to keep quiet and deny deny if someone starts to ask questions?

Your DHs cheating some years (20?) ago does not mean he should be more understanding when it comes to infidelity.

I question how this 'jealous' DH could let you have dinner with a man he knows wants to get into your pants.

What makes sense is the 'people pleaser' bit?
This links with how you've mentioned a few times you are the 'good one' in the relationship.
This links with, even though your fumble didn't feel good, you continued it so you can maintain peace.
This links with how when you were younger you slept with guys just to please them.

You need to learn/practice being assertive with people before something like this happens again.

And don't be silly about telling your DH..

Where do you get twenty years from arsenal? The OP's children are still small.

I do wonder why the jealous DH was so content to let you go out for dinner with a man on your own, OP.

Do you think she should tell her husband? Even though she is physically scared of his reaction? Even though he'd done much, much worse himself?

He isn't controlling, he is jealous - ie he thinks men are going to find me attractive or hit on me when I go out - which they never ever do by the way! But he would never dream of stopping me from going out. Nor I him. We socialise with this couple together often. Although he says "x fancies you" I don't think he SERIOUSLY ever thought that - in a "dangerous" way. Certainly I never did. Friend is totally unsleazy, really nice genuine person, very respectable and I always kind of envied his perfect life (seemed still to have a wonderful loving marriage, lovely grown up children, amazing job, very well off - textbook). That's why this is so like something out of invasion of the body snatchers.

If tables had been turned and he and friends wife had been here it wouldn't have seemed odd for them to go for a game of golf together. They are our friends. Were. Oh its all so unreal.

I've never given him any reason before to be controlling I guess. Unless we socialise together I only ever go out with female friends or work colleagues and that very rarely - I have toddlers. I don't flirt (wouldn't have the confidence) and its literally never crossed my mind to cheat. Never even thought about finding another man attractive since I married. DH used to be really pathologically jealous when we first met (think screaming temper tantrums) but hasn't been like that for years. He was very insecure given some bad experiences in past relationships. But as I said I never gave him the slightest reason to justify that so it stopped. I suspect something like this would quite instantly trigger the screaming again though.

hi oracle,

just wanted to add my support and echo the posters saying CUT YOURSELF SOME BLOODY SLACK! You had too much to drink and got it on with some predatory male sex pest. Nobody is perfect. Don't even punish yourself with the guilt - people do a lot worse, believe me. Don't let this minor blip define you as a person.

I thought I read married for 25yrs.. My mistake.
Anyway it's just the hypocrisy on this thread.

I agree with the keep your mouth shut, but they is no way a fellow MNers would've been this understanding had the OP been a man.

Anyway back to the OP, she needs to deal with the whole people pleasing issue.
It reminds me of my ex. who was a people pleaser.
We were close friends before we started dating, she used to complain how guys never approached her but she slept with the guys that did approach her because that's what was expected after so many dates.
She used to complain how one of her juniors was touchy but she didn't want to report or do anything because he'd make things awkward.
Up today, I have no doubt that if someone puts enough 'pressure' on her she'd sleep with him.
She was very judgemental and made me a bit insecure and I could never be myself.
She was a great girls but that relationship was a total nightmare, all our arguements were based on "I don't want people to think..."

I once got asked outright about someone else who I had had an encounter with - slight overlap with OD decisions oops! I was totally honest at the time. However, the response was interesting in that he thought I should of lied as it was no longer a relevant feature and that offloading the guilt had the effect of causing unnecessary anguish to him when there was no way he would of found out otherwise. His advice being on the receiving end was therefore, what's the point other than to make yourself feel more honest whilst at the same time upsetting the other person. I can see he had a point but till then had never considered it that way.

I can see why people would say to keep it quiet and not tell your DH, but i wouldnt reveal some of the story if youre not willing to tell the whole truth. I know he made the move but it seems wrong to say he got fresh and it went no further, therefore blaming the event entirely on him and lying. Also, (and obviously i dont know your DH) but there may be a chance he could confront this man about 'getting fresh' with you, only for this guy to reveal what actually happened. If possible i wouldnt mention any flirting at all. Also, if it does ever come out it will look worse that you have twisted the truth.

Give yourself a break, people make mistakes. Try to carry on with your life and learn from it. Good luck OP.

Put this behind you, yes you cheated and acted in a way that you shouldn't but you had a lot to drink, personally no amount of drink would allow me to do that but we are all different, I think you were feeling a bit lonely and your past experiences with men would indicate you find it hard to say no, both not a good concoction when meeting up with a letch of a man. You've punished yourself enough now so move on and I wouldn't recommend telling your OH either, what would that achieve, perhaps he's been in a similar situation, who knows, again would tell him the same.

You sound a lovely person and we all make mistakes, I doubt you will be repeating it!

Trust me, I would have said 100 percent that I would never ever do anything like this, not for any reason, drunk, drugs, hypnotism, blackmail... You name it. But I did. I can't believe it but I did. I've never lied to my husband, never imagined in a million years I'd do what I did. There but for the grace of God....

Friend has not been back in touch thank goodness. I'm starting to feel less hysterical and it doesn't intrude into my thoughts permenantly. Hopefully when my H gets back in a few weeks I will have been able to convince myself it was all a dream (nightmare!).

I have made some positive steps forward though. Joined weightwatchers. Cleared off some of the to do list I've been procrastinating about, spent more quality time with the children. I actually feel more appreciative of everything around me after the shock and terror or risking it all for no reason whatsoever. But if I could turn back the clock and never say yes to that bloody dinner invite I so would.

Thank god H isn't back for a while yet :(

Update:

Avoided friend for several weeks. Then he sent me an email basically saying "we haven't spoken in a very long time which isn't usual. Let's try to get back on a normal friendly footing". I agreed and sent back a short email asking about a work project we both happen to have involvement in.

He said, add me on BBM so I can give you the inside track on that project - there are some political issues holding it up. So I did.

Now he is messaging me every day just saying "hi how's your day going" etc.

This is way more than we ever communicated before and I feel incredibly uncomfortable with it. Even though the messages are very innocuous about our families, friends etc. The frequency is in itself inappropriate - I don't even speak to my mother or best friend every day on IM.

But the comments are so innocent and friendly it would seem really rude to ignore them - as if I'm making something out of nothing and being a bitch.

I almost feel like I'm being groomed. Its horrible. I feel constrained by my own politeness from not replying. And I don't want to say I feel uncomfortable because that implies there is some kind of subtext (which there is but I don't want to reference it because it makes it seem like "we" are complicit).

He has also lent my husband his car while on holiday which I hate because I feel like he is trying to make me feel indebted to him. I feel very manipulated and as if I'm being carefully "herded" towards a level of intimacy which I absolutely don't want.

I can't just cut him off because we have so many mutual friends and work on projects together. I just want him to leave me alone and get back to being friendly in a distant, group way like we were. But I don't know how to get him to do this. I feel so trapped and harassed.

What do I do?

I think that you should BBM him to say, I don't have time to reply to all you messages but all good here. If he persists in anyway then you need to push back harder. He has taken you to secure location (BBM) and now he is taking another step...testing the ground so unless you give him the red light he will interpret it as green light.

He clearly wants to have a clandestine affair and you need to say to him in a clear way whether or not you are interested and then move on.

How are things going for you at home.

I think it is back to the problem about asserting what YOU want.....and if you don't this guy will exploit it. If you don't want an affair then he needs clear signal as he isn't as nice as you are.

Send polite but short responses and send them at least a few hours after he has sent the message. Don't give him any reason to pursue this with you.

Your gut is correct, he is grooming you. Don't get into a conversation about what gas happened but make it clear you are not available. Ignore messages if not important or about work. Just don't reply, he'll get bored eventually and move on to his next target.

I have already told him unequivocally I love my husband and family and 100 percent will do anything not to risk that (aside from what I have already stupidly, idiotically, insanely done - what a fool!). And that what happened seemed like a terrible dream. And refused to meet to "talk about things". And burst into tears and made him leave that night. He MUST realise I don't want anything further with this. But I feel like he is cleverly trying to manipulate me into, at minimum, an inappropriate friendship / an emotional affair to probably be pushed into the physical.

So far I have taken the approach you suggest. Many hours between messages and referencing his wife, my H, our children etc in my responses wherever possible.

Hopefully it will just peter out if I don't give him any encouragement at all.

He mentioned yesterday meeting up for a drink. That is just NOT happening. But we do have a group social function coming up where I will see him and both our spouses will be there. We live in a small insular part of the country and our social circle is incestuous.

Ugh. I know its all my fault to have got myself into this mess but this is EXACTLY how it felt 15 years ago when my boss at work manipulated me into an affair. I was 22 then and stupid. I'm nearly 40 now and it appears I'm still as stupid as I was then!!! Why do I get myself into these situations?!

Agree with green. Ignore messages that are chit chat. Don't be caught again by your polite/people pleasing instincts.

You do not have to reply.

the hypocrisy of this place stinks some times - if this had been a woman posting about her dh cheating on her and lying about it there would have been an avalanche of messages saying ltb, hes controlling, doesn't respect you, what an arsehole of a man yada yada yada...

you cheated and you have lied - your guilt will catch up with you...

Things at home are fine. H is back and we are getting on OK. I just want my safe little contented life to go on the way it is. I don't want complications or excitement I just want to live day to day and enjoy my kids and my friends.

This cannot be the first time he has done this. He claims to be lacking in confidence and monogamous for 25 years with a controlling wife and suddenly questioning what the meaning of life is. But the more I see of him the more it seems he is an accomplished player who knows exactly what he is doing.

The worst bit is though amindst the panic and anxiety and fear I do feel a tiny flutter of being flattered that I am the object of someones attention, at my age. I really am pathetic.

Have you managed to start any counselling?

There are obviously issues going on with you - I think the past incident with your older boss where you were sexually abused is hugely relevant here.

What's BBM? I would delete it and if/when he asks why, say it was causing problems on your computer/phone whatever. Perhaps even open a new email account and start using that day to day with people but DON'T give it to him or his wife. Mention casually to people that you've been having problems with your computer/phone.

Stop replying to things from him: emails/texts or whatever. Then send a quick reply after a week or so saying 'so sorry not to reply to this, I've been so busy' but don't engage with the content of his message. then don't reply any more. Be very bright and breezy when you do see them.

He WILL get the message. He WILL back off. Don't be afraid that he won't, be confident.

You don't have to be in contact with people at a level you don't feel comfortable with. You made one mistake, but that doesn't mean you owe anybody anything as a result, least of all this pest of a man.

Yy to civil, polite ice queen. That is now you.