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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dating - The Thread. Come and Share Care and Cheer!

999 replies

AWarmFuzzyFuture · 18/07/2013 21:04

The Rules

  1. Develop a thick skin;
  2. Do not invest emotionally too soon;
  3. It's all BS until it actually happens;
  4. Trust your gut instinct;
  5. People vanishing, lying and being generally weird to you are not your fault
  6. They should be trying to impress you
  7. If it's not fun, stop
OP posts:
DadfromUncle · 30/07/2013 21:33

Thanks for the welcomes - appreciated.

ALittleStranger · 30/07/2013 21:38

I don't know if I want to say Dad if half the thread are on it! But I don't think it encourages people to sell themselves well. Small, bad quality photos, too much emphasis on what will only ever be a clunky headline, odd prominence of facts like drinking and drug use, and the actual profiles seem like a badly written after thought. It just seems cheap and thrown together and that's just poor packaging for any product! Smile

scrazy · 30/07/2013 21:39

Bant, of course bringing up the 'where are we heading' chat is to check that the guy considers you to be his 'girlfriend' and is open to a serious relationship. Nothing more disheartening than being told we are great friend with marvellous benefits when you were hoping you meant more, and this is the point the woman should say bye. I know to my cost.

DadfromUncle · 30/07/2013 21:45

ALittleStranger now you mention it, all 100% valid points I hadn't even thought of. 90% of the female profiles (that I've read) say pretty much the same thing - so I guess the bloke's probably do too (or is it 100%). Good shout about the manky headlines etc as well.

KinNora · 30/07/2013 21:51

OWW no sideburns, a hint of (gawd help us all) designer stubble and the second photo was a 'wacky' one with his reading glasses askew Hmm So far I'm not feeling the pull of his bubbling cauldron of skin flakes and brewing bodily secretions.

I find one of the best ways to disconcert a man you're in a relationship with is the time-honoured 'what are you thinking?' Or a cheeky hypothetical question such as 'if we'd met four years earlier and I'd been blonde do you think we'd have got married ?' - the fleeting panic as they mentally attempt to compute the 'right' answer is always funny. Disclaimer, I'm sure this only applies to some men, some men must love that kind of thing.

Hello Ham and Dad

DadfromUncle · 30/07/2013 21:55

Winefiend Your "Dinner for Smucks" M.O. on POF is funny - but has me panicking it has included one of my messages. Interesting disparity - I seem to have a slow trickle of interest - you have a veritable river you can turn on and off.

DadfromUncle · 30/07/2013 21:57

About to do a disappearing act a la POF et al, but must go and feed sister's cats - will be back in a bit.

ALittleStranger · 30/07/2013 21:58

Or a cheeky hypothetical question such as 'if we'd met four years earlier and I'd been blonde do you think we'd have got married ?'

Kin you devil, I may find it impossible to resist the urge to ask this. Grin

Hamwidgeandcheps · 30/07/2013 21:59

Bant - you have a point there. In the past the relationship faltered because he was going through a b difficult career change. Sounds like a cop out bit it wasn't he was a mess. He's been in the career he wants a few years now and is visibly much happier and relaxed about it. I don't want to be too specific it's not fair on him. What's changed in my life is I'm divorced now with dc.
Now I'm talking it through I think maybe he is letting it bob a long. Maybe the conversation made him relax and he stayed relaxed where I didn't. I know know know I am over thinking all this. It's v complicated. It has also transpired that I feel ok about the past break up but he doesn't. There's considerable angst about it which has resulted in a bit of soul bearing from him. I think when I see him I'm requesting an honest chat about things. I guess it's all I can do. I told him if he just wanted to be friends I would get over it but I wanted to know - he said no he was def interested. I feel a bit stuck really. If its doomed I want up crack on with OD (no other option) but I wouldn't do it without a clear brush off from him.
I would do they playing it cool thing but he told me when I was less responsive he just assumed I wasn't interested. Duck knows what's going on really.

Hamwidgeandcheps · 30/07/2013 22:03

Django - re the being back on different terms - only v recently with the suggestive text that came out of nowhere - up until that point he was exactly how I remember him behaving. I don't know what the etiquette is but I have been amused lately that we sit there having posh dinners and grown up conversations when few years ago we were shagging all over the city! Maybe that's part of dating an ex - really confusing boundaries?

OhWesternWind · 30/07/2013 22:12

I quite like PoF though - there are so many bad or, to be charitable, derivative profiles on there that anyone half decent really stands out. Generally the quality of men I've met from PoF has been the same as from Match (paid) but I am picky and have strict search criteria (and no cleavage showing in my photos). Living in the sticks, I need a high traffic site to be able to find any local possibilities at all. You city dwellers don't know how lucky you are.

Hmm, so you are a 51 year old man then Dad? You might regret admitting that as you are much the same age as Alpha so I could be tempted to fire all sorts of questions at you as our new representative of the early 50s male. That's a big responsibility resting on your shoulders you know, no wonder you're running away off to feed the cats Grin

Ham that does sound difficult. I think you have it spot on about the boundaries having been so intimate with someone in the past. If you're both up for an honest chat, that could be the way to go. When are you seeing him next?

Hamwidgeandcheps · 30/07/2013 22:22

Week on Friday is when I'm next seeing him. He works somewhere else and lives in my city. He was here the lady few days but said he had made prior arrangements. I did see him last time he was home and next week is the next period off he has. This is partly why I'm antsy - I want to have the chat now! If he cancels or becomes vague about the next date I'm binning though I already get the feeling that might happen - based on no evidence whatsoever! I'm being a bit hard on him maybe - maybe he's also quite confused about us!

JulietteMontague · 30/07/2013 22:22

I once asked the men I worked with why 'What are you thinking' caused them to freeze. They said it was either because they were thinking a) Nothing. Absolutely nothing, not a thing or b) how they could get some practical chore done in some bizzare way or c) constructing a scenario where they were saving the universe in a starship or some such. They said they also panic because they realise there was a question there but weren't actually listening enough to know about any subtext but just know they could get the answer wrong. Anyone who disputes this hasn't sat amongst a bunch of (highly intelligent) male IT professionals all day for years. I miss them.

Kin was it one of those leather necklaces? and what kind of bossy did he think he was trying and as for the wacky, I wonder if he has comedy day of the week socks as well.

T he knew your had small DC, if he is now saying that is an issue for him then he is a twat

I don't think I've ever had the where are we going convo, hopefully it's obvious that they like me and want to make plans with me (or not). Any sniff that they don't appreciate my fabulousness and my ardour tends to diminish anyway.

Welcome Ham and Uncle Smile

Hamwidgeandcheps · 30/07/2013 22:23

Oh and it wasn't the full on where are we going combo I just said 'what's going on with you and me because I don't understand if you are interested in me or not'

Djangounhinged · 30/07/2013 22:25

I like POF too - I'd agree that the decent profiles do stand out amongst the dross, and being picky is the only way to do it Smile

Ham it's good that he's been talking about his own feelings about the relationship, it does sound like an open chat about it when you meet is the way forward - keep us posted!

Djangounhinged · 30/07/2013 22:30

Juliette that sounds spot on - especially the bit about them not even listening to the question in the first place.... Actually my DS is like that now and he's 12....

Djangounhinged · 30/07/2013 22:30

Wine, you wee soul - how long until you can get back out "there"? Wine

DadfromUncle · 30/07/2013 22:53

OhWesternWind Cats fed (no sign of 'em but it is night) - happy to (try) and answer questions posed to a 51 YO Dad.

Hamwidgeandcheps · 30/07/2013 22:57

And thanks everyone - my blood pressure has dropped just writing all that down Grin

DadfromUncle · 30/07/2013 22:57

RE: What are you thinking - always tricky as it is usually something to do with engines or sex (ooccasionally both) in my case but I don't want to own up to it. One of my best exes cured me of the fear by admitting she was always thinking of some mundane domestic issue when we were in the deepest throes of "it" - now feel free to think about engines, although may lie to try and save feelings.

KinNora · 30/07/2013 23:05

Juliette like this feels a bit queasy , he was more 'hey yah so I went travelling and found this uh-mazing beach in Thailand and I met these fantastic Australian girls and they just couldn't believe I was 48 becuause they said I was just so, like young and rrrrreally cool ' wacky rather than days of the week socks wacky. The bossy thing just provoked a Pavlovian response in me, never really enjoyed being told what to do, ever by anyone, then Spud did it and oh my bloody hell, what is going here, sex klaxon, sex klaxon!! - it was quite a revelation.

DadfromUncle · 30/07/2013 23:10

Just had a message on POF - she's very monosyllabic - no picture, not a lot in her profile (I might get into trouble for this) she's a bit short, too. The thing is, it's easy to say to people we don't have much in common when it's obvious, but she isn't giving me anything to go on. (BTW I have a strict policy of replying to anyone except very obvious scammers). This is her second message - her first one was "I like to chat to you" to which I answered that she wasn't giving a lot away - she still isn't - she is either and exceptionally slow typist or (perhaps) doesn't speak much English.

bigstrongmama · 30/07/2013 23:10

Ham, Juliet and bant re: the 'where are we going' question

I've never asked it, never cared before...but really want to know where I stand right now with this guy. 2nd date this weekend coming, lots of texting, lots of innuendo...and I'm starting to wonder if he is just after sex...how can you tell without asking?! I don't want to sleep with him and then get binned...

Ham, your man sounds terrified of rejection - so he likes you but he is trying to play it cool so he doesn't get hurt. Rekindling a past flame is always going to be complicated...

T - I have small children, great childcare. I have decided I only want to date men who are fathers, because I don't think I'd have much in common with anyone else at the moment. Think you need to be picky to find someone when you have little ones. I am very upfront about my children coming first and hyper-alert to the possibility of dodgy men. I am trying to demonstrate the lack of problems with childcare by being available -but keep failing at the last minute!

Hamwidgeandcheps · 30/07/2013 23:18

Just had a text from hot and cold man asking for my child free dates in August so maybe I am just paranoid and mad!
Terrified of rejection - that sums up how he was in the past Grin

DadfromUncle · 30/07/2013 23:30

bigstrongmama "how can you tell without asking" - this is a (true - as in Joseph Heller true) Catch 22. You can't tell - a bloke who is just after sex might tell the truth or he might lie whether or not you ask the question and in any case, might change his mind.

Thinking about it - it's not actually the same as catch 22 but it's not far off. Working out if a bloke is only after one thing is about as easy for a woman as it is for a bloke to work out if he could get it.