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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found on DP tablet...

348 replies

Kione · 16/07/2013 15:56

A series of flirting conversations with old friends, one or two with whome he's had sex. I have been with him 7 years had DD in 2009, these chats are from 2010,11 Dec. 2013...
and one dodgy conversation about his phone being left under the sofa at one of his colleages (female) house. It might be the night they had the xmas party when he told me he stayed at the hotel where the party was. But I am not sure. Even if it wasnt the night of the party, he has never mentioned going to her house.
If you remember me, we havent been getting on that great, and we went through a stage where I didnt feel like having sex with him...
So I am so confused. Should I confront him? how'??
I only opened his tablet cos our computer is being repaired, fb wad open with these chats. I am sure many more could have been deleted...
I dont know how to feel right now Sad

OP posts:
3HotCrossBuns · 16/07/2013 16:28

Oh Kione I have little advice as I'm only 10 weeks from discovering my own H's affair and consequently the discovery of past infidelities too. I didn't want to ignore your post though and I'm sure one of the many wise posters will be along soon. One thing I would say though is gather your evidence before you confront him - my H was discovered at work (was shagging the office tart) so had a few days to cleanse his phone, our pc etc before telling me what happened. Therefore I have nothing to go on other than his word which is obviously worth bollocks all.

I hope you are ok though - the shock is awful.

Jan45 · 16/07/2013 16:40

Yes you should confront him, what else would you do?

Depends what the messages said and what your definition of flirty is?

Distrustinggirlnow · 16/07/2013 16:42

So sorry to read your post OP. I'm a year or so in and the shock is awful isn't it. She i inadvertently opened a secret email account is was as if the whole world around me went into slow motion and I couldn't stop my hand from shaking. Sadly I didn't have this place for support at that time.

The script for cheating twunts is deny, delete and minimise, usually in that order (apart from hot crossSmile)

So the plan is that you have your evidence carefully copied, forwarded, printed or whatever to a safe place. You may also like to check his email account paying special attention to deleted and sent mail boxes, his texts messages, his Internet history and bank and credit card statements for the period in question.

You need to get this first as he will destroy it all once he thinks you know. You can recover closed email accounts etc but it takes effort!!

Once you have it all then you sit down very calmly and say that you went onto the tablet and saw the FB chats blah blah and then be quiet. He will deny..... Don't say anything, let him talk.

There's a chance that he may drip feed too, so be ready. My DH did this and it set me back months!!

Or he may give rational answers that do add up and you have nothing to worry about.

Thinking of you and here to hand hold Thanks

Original poster
Kione · 16/07/2013 16:49

thank you, went for a walk and I am going back home niw! our main computer is being fixed and they are actuakly checking my email account as I bought an antivirus... so can email stuff to mysekf but will take photos to the screen if that can be done Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Kione · 16/07/2013 16:58

dont think I will get home before him

OP posts:
Original poster
Kione · 17/07/2013 07:59

Spoke last night... the flirting is ok, it was when he felt neglected and its pretty harmless... but there is a conversation with a female colleague that he has been friends with for 10 years that goes like this (after work xmas party where he told me he stayed in a hotel):
DP: dont suppose you have seen my mobile? :-) ?????!
Her: just checked and its under the sofa. Do you need it?
DP: Hahaha I will pick it up tomorrow xxx have fun tonight, couldnt drink if you paid me
Next day:
Her: will be out most of the Morning I will leave it in the porch
DP: Been busy will pick it later

So... it sound so normal but, under the sifa?? wtf? I asked him and he said she must have found it at the party and take it home for safe keeping. I asked why where you not surprised/wondered what on earth was it doing under her sofa??? he said he doesent know, he was really hungover when than conversation took place.
What do you wise women think...?

OP posts:
oracleselfservice · 17/07/2013 08:01

He is lying. He left it at hers. You know this.

Original poster
Kione · 17/07/2013 08:04

Sad its so hard to believe... and the lack of kisses from her makes me doubt a little, but... Sad

OP posts:
TheOrchardKeeper · 17/07/2013 08:08

Taken it home for safe keeping? WTF! You believed that? Hmm

Why would he ask if she'd found it (suggesting he lost it in her presence in a place that was likely only she'd find it...i.e. her place).

You must know this but don't want to face it yet, surely?

Also, he's playing the 'i felt neglected card' already when actually that was just shitty behavior that you don't resort to if you're a halfway decent adult but nevermind.

Sounds like you sort of know he's bullshitting you but are just trying to get your head around it and are still in shock. Good luck Thanks

TalkativeJim · 17/07/2013 08:08

Utter utter bollocks - which you know.

If she took it home - she would have said, 'Yes! Sorry, meant to text. I found it at the party, I've got it here with me...'

I'm guessing they spent some time together on said sofa.

Anyway. It's the usual - lying, minimising.

If you want to get anywhere with this - there's only one approach.

Throw him out. Pack a bag and tell him he's gone, and if he wants ONE chance to fix things, the only thing he can do is get ready to tell the whole truth. Fix him with a stare and tell him you KNOW he has been unfaithful, that much is bloody obvious. So fuck the lies. The only question is whether he can persuade you that he's worth another chance. The only thing which might yet persuade you of that is, for a start, him respecting you and your so-called relationship enough to at least not lie to your face once again.

TheOrchardKeeper · 17/07/2013 08:10

And no, you can't prove it for definite but I'd be pretty certain he'd cheated at least once by this point and be considering my options.

Sorry you found out all in one go. What a shock and what a dick

TalkativeJim · 17/07/2013 08:11

Oh... and the flirting...

Is it ok? Really? Would it be ok with him if you did the same???

It wouldn't be ok with me.

Original poster
Kione · 17/07/2013 08:15

TheOrchard, he says he asked her because they spent a long time talking at the party as they do. I know...
The negkected thing, he was, I didnt feel like having sex and him to find it somewhere else... so thats her excuse and whatever.
But yeah, the phone under the sofa is a different thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kione · 17/07/2013 08:18

TalkativeJim, I know I said that too and he keeps replying "I don't know!" wadls hungover etc.
It is hard to believe because he has always been a really honest bloke, or so I thought, I know. Showed a friend and she is shocked too!
I feel desperatelly sorry for DD Sad

OP posts:
TheOrchardKeeper · 17/07/2013 08:18

There's no excuse for it though. It's a get out free card that is used when they're found out...because it sometimes works.

And if that's the case i bloody doubt it then why did she put the phone under her sofa?

Looking at it logically...and in the context of his flirting and other possible incidents it looks much more likely that he stayed there, doesn't it?

Sorry you're going through this. The lies make it so much worse and messier but I suppose it's worth a shot from his point of view Hmm

Original poster
Kione · 17/07/2013 08:19

Sorry meant: I told him to find sex elsewhere, hence the flirting. He said he is sure I get chatted up to when I go out and its true...

OP posts:
Original poster
Kione · 17/07/2013 08:20

He says she must have thrown the bag in the floor being drunk and it ended up there Sad I know...

OP posts:
TheOrchardKeeper · 17/07/2013 08:24

He's quick on his feet, I'll give him that Hmm

You know, don't you Brew I mean what are the chances...especially when weighed against the whole discovery and the fact you now know he's not as honest as you believed anyway.

I'd be making him leave, at least temporarily, so I could just have the head space to deal with this discovery and not have him obviously lying at me at the same time.

TheOrchardKeeper · 17/07/2013 08:24

You may get chatted up but I doubt you actually bloody go along with it Angry

It's just charming how he's trying to wriggle out of this by blaming things on you...

cfc · 17/07/2013 08:28

There's no way she found that phone at the party and brought it home like that.

Or else the convo would have gone like this:

Have you seen my phone
Oh, yeah, i saw you'd dropped it at the do so i brought it home for you, hang on, let me check where I've put it...found it, must have launched it when i got in, it ended up under the sofa of all places!!
Cheers x

Or something along thise lines. He is lying. The next question is why?

Original poster
Kione · 17/07/2013 08:52

I know, and I said that. He keeps saying "I dont know!" and saying I promise you nothing happebed, promise!
I know tou alk are right but its just so incredible, I just dont know what to do as I wasnt expecting it at all. I know who she is she knows DD. It just all serns unreal.

OP posts:
Wowserz129 · 17/07/2013 08:56

What total bullshit he is saying. As if she took it home for him. He was obviously at hers! If she took it home for him he would have said under the sofa what on earth is it doing there. Please don't buy his petty excuses

Original poster
Kione · 17/07/2013 09:05

I dont understand why I am not angryer? I feel like its not enough evidence? should I ask her? she is my friend on facebook!

OP posts:
Suesue22 · 17/07/2013 09:08

Why would you ask her? She's going to lie same as he is. They will have their stories straight at this stage.

Phalenopsis · 17/07/2013 09:09

What do you think she's going to say? Do you really think that she'll just confess? She'll probably deny it.

And what if she does admit that she and he had sex? Will that be enough for you. From what you've posted I doubt it. I think you'll then try to find excuses such as 'she forced herself on him' etc.